Dec 29, 2013

anything can happen

When you open your heart to someone, you’re jumping into the risks that:
You could lose him because of death anytime
or that he’d find someone more interesting than you in the future
or that suddenly his parents give no blessings
or that he’d have an arranged marriage
or that he has forgotten about you because of mental problems
or that his heart just changes..for whatever reason
or many other reasons

It’s about taking the risks. And embrace it. Maybe that is what you should do, if it gives you happiness. Although you know, someday…anything can happen

Comfort zone

I know I’m wasting my time
But deciding to be involved in some activity is so hard I afraid I wouldn’t get those long sleep I’ve had since class ended. The feeling of no urgency and all. And I’m afraid to let those go.
I guess it seems like I’m afraid to be out of my comfort zone

And soon class will begin.

Dec 14, 2013


Sometimes it sucks to be the one who tries to mend everything. It's like you're not important enough to be thought about. And yet you still try.. How long can you hold on?

Dec 13, 2013

Unfateful journey

Actually the main reason I'm bawling right now is because he's going, and I'm not. Jealousy everywhere. It's like I want to be where he is. Aaaaaaaaaa. I could just take a cab, go to the bus station, randomly buy a ticket, and off to the destination. But no, I can't. I couldn't. Family holds me back. And with mum's worry of flood, the picture of me being stranded and such; mum won't just let me. And I couldn't let her worry. She has worried enough for my anxiety over my exams.

Another is the fact that.. I just... I want another journey. A journey with friends. Last year it was Port Dickson. But this year... I ain't going anywhere with them. I'm just going to be here at home, doing what I don't know. Some are going to Singapore. Some are in Terengganu. Others I don't know.

And the fact that my batch mate was getting married (already married now), really adds up to the whole journey that could have been! I'm a I-could-go-anywhere-anytime without family things or just without other stuff. But this time it's different. I'm stuck here.

Well, if something does not go your way, enjoy it anyway. Make every second counts. You don't want to be this pathetic girl who is so lifeless mourning on not getting what she wants, while at the same time, other people are having fun. Just prove to yourself that you can still have fun, no matter where you are. C'mon. I need to bear that in mind every single time, ugh.

Anyway, at least I could meet up my friends back at home. I'm looking forward for it.

Dec 8, 2013

Half a day

When there are only two papers, it’s easier to decide which you want to read first. You can easily and quickly catch up for the other subject. But if three papers? That’d worry you. You’re reading one subject and you know you have the other two. Like you think you won’t have enough time. The thing is, taking only two papers does not put much pressure. I’m sinking. Thinking that I could survive.

It’s just foolish to sleep twelve hours a day when you are nearing the exam.

Sweetness of examination

One of the worst things that could happen during the exam in the exam Hall is that your mind wanders off to what you are going to do after the exam is over.  Like listing things and smiling to yourself,  and think when the exam is going to be over, praying time to be faster
Like I wanna be done with this shit

Not sure because you have written enough answers or
You just don't know the answers that you think you already given all of what are in your head

Actually it bugs you the fact that your answers are you short that maybe you should have written your answers with big letters and wide spaces
You just couldn't stand the pressure anymore, you want it to end,  the exam to end
And the sound of buttons clicking
The sight of people determinedly writing
Just does not help

Sigh I am going to face this music

Do pray for me

Nov 17, 2013

A t t

Oh boy. You are becoming more attractive than ever. And you are not even mine. But I could still be proud because you are my close friend, couldn't I

Nov 9, 2013


It sucks to lose a friend you have always talked to. Suddenly he just passes by and never say a word. Hah

Oct 31, 2013


“You are in every line I have ever read.”
— Charles Dickens, from Great Expectations
In fact, in everything I see. Everything I hear. Even when the eyes are closed, images of you are so crystal clear. Your voice echoes in my head. Your words affect me wholly. That smile of yours, can I make it forever? The sight of you is so vivid, how to shake it off? Would I even want to shake it off? *Chuckles*

Tried to sleep. But I failed tremendously. This is not healthy

Oct 25, 2013

yet another wed

And we got to play dress up

Oct 24, 2013


If I lost him, who would I have?
For I have given up everyone
Isolating myself
Passive as I am
I refused to enjoy the gift of friendships

When there are so many potential persons you can clique with
You chose to be this

Who else can change that but you?


It has been long since I acted crazy. My friends. Myself. Where do I find? How is it lost?

Oct 18, 2013


I read somewhere that one can never complete another. It's a constant strive in a relationship.

That's how it works in relationships. Because each partner would try to complete another, over and over again, though they know it can never be achieved. Still it is done, until death due them apart. Until jannatul Firdaus, insyaaAllah.

October 17th

Going back to campus just for a two-hour class. Ate lunch at the hotel, and waited for the bus.

As I waited, I was contemplating on whether I should stay for a while, or should I just go home, run from reality? Because the house never feels like home. It's an agony to stay there. People don't care. And it's stupid not to

My heart was somewhere else tho. So staying was not an option.

The whole journey was peace. The bus was not crowded with people. The train was acceptably silent from the voices of people. Having a car stopped because it was a zebra crossing, made it better. Bless that person, for making a person's day better.

I skipped the part where I got to meet my niece. Should it not be a pleasant incident? Why am I not thrilled? Detaching myself from the world, from my family; I have never liked the surrounding when it is near to a wedding ceremony. Being alone, I am used to.

Shall I realize one day that, family, is where you go to in the end, always. At least in my case, that is. I hope it won't be too late to realize their importance. Maybe I realized, but the change is difficult. And change is always difficult. A hardship that one needs to go through.

And always remember, what goes around comes around. Would they treat me how I've treated them now and before?

Oct 9, 2013


And nothing can ever give full contentment except Allah swt
May all be fine
May all be good
May things work

Oct 5, 2013


She couldn't help but looking at the downside of the relationship. Like making assessment of possible risks; the probability for the risks to materialise, and the impact to her life if those risks really happen.
She couldn't help but being pessimist.
Because all of this came down to, is this for Him, or is this for lust?


Don't dwell when you yourself chose to isolate yourself from the world, from the people. You make the choice, you bear the consequences.

Oct 3, 2013

MRSM dan makan

Rasa bersyukur bila masa duduk MRSM dulu, dapat makan enam kali sehari. Forever lapar tapi forever perut penuh jugak. Ada pulak peluang nak bersukan setiap petang. Semua benda senang.

Sep 14, 2013

the good

Think about the goods we've been throughNot letting the bads affect the goods

Sep 7, 2013


All this time I injected this thought into my brain, that he was never a part of any surprises I got on that day. And not even an early wish.

How could you not feel upset about it? It was a huge disappointment. But I moved on.

Til one day, after months went by, a friend responded differently to my statement. The different kind of respond when it has to do with him. I was bewildered. But rethinking, I didn't want them to know that I didn't know about it. So I shut.

I started questioning things. 
That the present was maybe from him. 
Who else in that place would ever celebrate me that way, 
after how I am to them?

Maybe he asked someone to buy it for me.

It was possible. 
But he let it hung. For months 
I thought he never cared. 

Aug 27, 2013

Change: Feminine

So a friend told me that I've become more feminine. Like cakap lemah lembut.. as compared to previous two semesters. Now, I wonder why I've changed :"

Aug 26, 2013

Housemate #6

Seeing how my new housemate behaves towards me, it really reflects how sombong I am. Ugh

Aug 25, 2013


The truth of the matter is, the more packed my schedule is, the better I am in arranging my own revising sessions. Busy for me is a good thing. So for this semester, I sense lacking of motivation to study. Work has not started yet, which I hoped to have started since day one, but no. And I am just going on a cruise on a slow pace. Leisure.


I have these wide choice of shawls. Which I know some of my house mate would want to borrow certain of the shawls; which actually I don't usually wear them. So instead of letting them unworn for ages, I brought them here.


Try not to spend too much time on finding faults on others. Spend more on your own faults instead.

Aug 24, 2013


It has been a while since you were around. I hate to say I'm wrong, but I missed you. I should have not taken you for granted.
Whatever you do, be positive

Aug 22, 2013

Hold on

You never knew. But every second, the heart yearns; every second, the heart feels pain. Something the logic questions the heart, every second. But it holds on; out of fear, fear that great things won't happen twice. When the truth is, nothing happens the exact same way. For every second, the heart feels it in every way

Aug 15, 2013

Kemewahan dunia

Kemewahan dunia ni distract umat Islam dari isu isu sensitif macam isu Palestin dan lain lain. Serius, aku mana ada didedahkan benda benda camtu. Yang aku tahu, nak hidup senang je. Istighfar.

Nampak tak permainan hiburan orang barat? Orang bukan Islam? Saja nak alihkan perhatian kita daripada benda benda ni. Haih.

Apa yang boleh aku tolong? Apa? Hm

Tapi memang tercatat pun dalam al-Qur'an yang dunia ni akan jadi bagai nenek bongkok tiga. Betul, kan? Kalau silap, tolong betulkan kesilapan saya ni.. What we have to do is strive towards a better world, although we know that the world is going to an end, anyway. We still have to face the apocalypse; and Dajjal. The signs are obvious, since years ago. We just need to be prepared.

Lepas satu negara, negara lain kena kacau. Umat Islam kena kacau. Israel yahudi tak akan suka pada Islam. Itu pun tercatat dalam holy al-Qur'an.

Bila fikir pasal benda ni, takut sebenarnya. Nak kiamat. Bagusla, kan? Maksudnya kenala persiapkan diri dengan akhirah, bila dah sedar tu.

Seaman-aman Malaysia ni, kena ingat jugak saudara kat luar sana.. Hmmm mungkin caranya selalu update diri pasal isu isu ni. Jangan buat bodoh je. Saudara se-Islam kenala tolong.

Macam sejarah negara, kena tahu jugak walau sikit. Penting sebenarnya sejarah ni. Kalau tak, orang membuta tuli nak mempolitikkan semua benda. Ni random je cakap ni, gua pun tak berapa tahu sejarah. Just a reminder for myself too.

Mungkin ujian mereka, kena ancam; ujian kita ialah kemewahan hidup. Hm

The undead lived

Every time I switch on my laptop, I become paranoid. Whenever the screen is black for too long, I got paranoid. It doesn't let me live normally. It can crash down for good anytime. But I hope the previous crash was just some false alert. Please laptop, don't leave me.

Aug 14, 2013

Rambut hiasan wanita

Sejak guna hair conditioner and hair serum, senang je rambut nak bentuk balik jadi tak penyek, bila lepas buka tudung. Even lepas ikat rambut pun, okay je. Nampak tak perbezaan setelah jaga rambut tu

Aug 13, 2013


Tapi aku selalu doakan moga aku dimatikan dalam iman, dengan cara yang baik, dengan tenang.

Ke salah cara aku doa ni? Salah ke eh mintak dimatikan begini?

Ye lah, pada aku, aku nak dimatikan begitu, bukan dengan mayatku cerai burai. Wallahu'alam.

Aug 12, 2013

RIP laptop

All abroad

Nanti Mad fly.. A'an fly.. Atul fly.. Qila study jauh.. Ainaa pun lama dah fly, susah nak balik.. Ja'i pun takde.
Habis tu, nanti nak lepak dengan siapa kat KL ni?

Aug 11, 2013

Ayra #1

Hahahahaha lawak gila
Anak saudara gua nak tidur. Dia pun baring la atas gua yang tengah baring, tengah sedap sedap tidur. Dia letak la kepala dengan tangan kat perut gua. I was like, dia ni nak baring ke? Maklumla tak reti dengan bebudak. Pastu ayah pun kata, dia nak tidur tu, penat main dah.

Pastu gua pun bagi la dia baring, gua edjas edjas posisi badan, nak bagi anak buah gua selesa. Dia pun edjas edjas la jugak nak dapat comfort. Tapi tak comfort gak. Dia pegang pegang badan gua, tulang je dia dapat. Hahah. Gua tak boleh la nak buat apa. Dah memang takde lemak. Lagi lagi masa puasa ni. Meeeemang keding.

Serius, masa nak edjas diri dia tu, dia cam edjas bantal, tapi takde ke-empuk-an. So dia pun pandang gua pelik like…’Asalla tak lembut pun Mak ni…’

Haha of kosss. Mak dia ni lagi berisi, lagi sedap ah. So dia pelik kenapa tetiba Mak berubah camtu. Teori kitorang sebenarnya adalahhh anak akak gua ni ingat gua ni Mak dia. Sebab muka kami sama. Bila gua tak seempuk maknya… Dia pun pelik haha

Itulah al kisah gua dengan seorang bayi..

Aug 4, 2013

Adult and shoes

Be an adult and throw away that sports shoes if you are not running. Wow terasa. But wait, I'm still a kid! Yeayy

Alaa. Maria Elena pakai sports shoes pun lawa je. Hannan pun. Even some arabics do. So it fits. *shrugs*

It's him

What can I say more.
Thanks Ann, Mad, and Atul.

Coz I can't post too much on tumblr.

Iftar 2013

Breaking the fast with these retards haha
Friendship doubles your joy
and divides your sorrow.
Kindly make your way to my tumblr for more of our awesome photos. Pun intended.

Aug 3, 2013

The other half

Hihihi kbye
"I know that you’re the better half,
I’m just glad I’m the other half."

Aug 2, 2013


Guys or girls with rings on them actually look very attractive


Here, a good leader means knowing most of the students, what the activities they’re doing, and thoughts about the course, the problems. And he’s doing it behind the scenes, that no one knows that he knows.
It’s really good. And he would always ask people, random students, about this and that; the things he could help with.
He wants to know what the people want. He wants to listen. Such leader we miss.

Aug 1, 2013

Housemates #6

I would love a home, just us, known to each other. And when we want to do some occasion, we'll wait for one another and look after one another. We don't leave out anyone. We'll go to places together. We'll try to have iftar together.

Not this kind of home. Some people in this 'home' want to get out and never want to feel belonged. Not even think of sympathy towards your friends. It's sad, really.

Only if most of us were kicked out together at the same time

Housemates #5

Life has been much better without strangers, unfamiliar faces lingering in your house; a place you call home, to settle, to just be you.

Turning 20

Trade in the canvas back pack for a leather briefcase. Be an adult.
- Sincerely by @GentlemenWear
Well, it gets to me. Coz it’s like saying trade in the canvas back pack for a leather HANDBAG or women slingbag. Be an adult WOMAN.

I sensed this since yesterday, hanging out with the Iridiums. All the girls are so girly, I mean the girlfriends of the guys. And I’m there, with a sling bag, and Nike sports shoes like… okay
And anyway, being friends with Teha, with her loving to express how lovely things look. For instance, a lovely handbag when she sees one. And it’s actually true. Something in me loves handbags, Certain handbags, But still they’re called handbags. Maybe I’m close to that phase now. I even loved my sister’s handslingbag. Very lovely. But I’m still not with the handbags with short string. Haha I’m becoming a woman. I’m 20 years old for god’s sake.

Jul 29, 2013

Wearing my stuff

I don't quite like it when people wear my stuff. Especially when they look better on them. It would just emphasize my insecurities. But whatever.

Jul 28, 2013

Homies #4

You visualized the whole of us  going to the bazar Ramadhan together and to break the fast together under one roof. But things came up. Plans were not met. So we part. The sad part is, that was the beginning of the whole of us going separate ways.

What has brought us together was only desperation, no love and willingness to each other. Some give no much care, but just to have a shelter to live in.

So never think that things could last, or go your way, of how you thought it would be.

Jul 27, 2013

Oblivious #2

The most frustrating thing is that a person retweet or reblog some negative post that is meant for him/her. And that they thought it’s for your own self, not them. GO RUN YOURSELF INTO THE WALL PLEASE

Jul 25, 2013

Midnight remedy

Coz I was upset. And Teha felt the same way too, towards hers. So this is our remedy. And sahur. And it was really good remedy.

The eggs look so little for three people, no? Well, it is very enough, even had some surplus. Moral of the story? Don't judge the amount of food by its appearance. Coz well, we thought of cooking a telur dadar but then we refused to, sebab telur dadar tu sekejap je masak. Jadi, kalau nak lagi, boleh je masak lepas tu. Nasibla tak masak. Banyak lebih!

Some other time

Give them the things they deserve, coz something cannot just be pulled off at "some other time".

Jul 24, 2013

Love prevail

As much as I love them, I hate it when they bombard the organization I am in. They don't know what actually happened. They don't know the things behind the scene. I am actually quite surprised that I felt this way. All along I hated it. But when I've looked things in a positive way, letting things in, letting them in... I feel so angry to whom saying bad things about this board. I felt wrong to just play along with their bombarding the board, in which I am in. I should feel ashamed.


Terkejut kan tengok rumah kitorang.
Kritikal dah rumah ni
Lol rumah bujang la. What do you expect
Ahaa syik asyik condemn apa yang dia cakap saya ni. Orang yang sama pulak tu. Kau ni tak suka orang cakap buruk pasal rumah hang kee sebab hang tak suka dia
Fikir balik

Lecturers and quotes

I don't know why, but I just love to jot down some things that my lecturers say. Like some inspiring quotes they randomly said out loud to the students. I am impressed. It may be that those words really come sincerely from them, their own words, their own experiences.

Jul 23, 2013

Early sleep

No I don't understand why some people are shocked when someone is going to bed at 11. Freaking 11. As if it's too early. Cmon. Enough sleep it's a good way of healthy life. It's a beauty sleep anyway.

Asking 'nak tidur dah?' in such a way is very unpleasing. As if all this time you have slept late...

Jul 22, 2013

Kain sembahyang

Situasinya sipolan nak solat. Atas dah menutup aurat. Tapi bawah masih terdedah sikit. Maka sipolan pun amekla kain telekung, pakai kain tu untuk tutup aurat.

Tapi masalahnya kain tu diikat kat pinggang seketatnya supaya tak lucut. Punyala ketat sampai nampak bentuk punggung.. Tak cantik beno ghupenye. Pelik. Padahal orang pakai telekung untuk tutup bentuk badan. Tapi ni jelas nampak bentuk punggungnya. Namun sipolan masih meneruskan menunaikan solatnya..

Punye le idok kume gemor nengok oghang pakai ghupe gitu.. Kalau nak menutup tu, tutup lah dengan caghe yang betoi.. Sensitif kat tempat tempat berbonggol tu..

Ini kume beringatkan pade diri sendighi juge.. Kadang tu kite idok peghasan

Less fortunate

Why is it that the older I get, the less I want to eat for breaking the fast? But I noticed that since in MRSM. I ate less. That time, maybe because of time constraint. But now, I don't know if it's my lack of appetite, or I just don't think eating too much at one time would help or cover up the whole day's meal.

And I have this feeling, sympathy, empathy for other less fortunate people. What could they be eating, when we have good food to churn?

Jul 21, 2013

Jobs and Partner




The Cupid Effect #1

Just like I didn't particularly like girly girls; girly girls didn't particularly like ungirly girls. Which was cool. As long as we both stuck to our respective areas of expertise - her: hair, make up, boys, me: science fiction, psychology and using my brain.

Shit happens

I dont actually like you
And then you said you were just joking. Wth? You even said seriously. Or am I wrong here. But the way I read it, the serious part of that you don't actually like me. I actually don't mind that, but the fact that you said you were just joking. WHAT THE HELL?

What actually the change you want in me? What is it in me that does not satisfy you? What actually the guys have been saying? If not in front of me, but to you? Coz what I know, I never terasa by anything they said. To hell what they say. I know what I'm feeling. I know what I'm thinking. I know myself. I know the truth. Let them be entertained with what they tease me. Let them make me as a toy to play with. Sounds cheap don't I? Maybe you should tell me what they have been saying. Be frank.

Why do you always resist to tell me what they said? Maybe I'm too easy for them too. Maybe I'm too easy for you too. And that comes the boring part.

What do you want me to change???? Why???? If you're saying I should change how I am with people, and not follow my moodiness all the time, then sure. I agree with you. If you say I should learn how to cook, yes, I agree. I should. Learn more on our Deen? Yes. I should. Cooking, Deen, how to behave with anyone... these kind of things that a wife or a mother should have. I should have those. Even if its not you, I still needed to have those. But if the change in how I react to those guys? Why care? I don't terasa AT ALL.

It's like you want me to change who I am. It's like I'm not perfect for you. It's like you don't accept me the way I am. It's like all this while you are just loving the IDEA of me. The me that you built yourself in your head. Maybe how I react to them is a shame to you, that means I am a shame to you.

I could go on telling what I think, because you are not being frank. I could assume so many things, until you just say it out. Maybe I'm too cheap, too easy for you. That I bore you.

I'm not arguing, because you are right. I am never good at arguing anyway. I always lose. I am the stupid one when it comes to arguing. My facts are foolish and childish. I've always lost. With every single person I encounter.

Maybe I'm just not what you want. Maybe you got the wrong person. But this is how am with people. I am boring. I don't tell jokes. I can't do jokes. My friends don't see me as the friend to have fun with. Coz I'm flat. I'm serious. Hambar. It's only sometimes that I can be a joker and fun person. Well I do know how to have fun. But I can't help being boring. Maybe you don't want a boring person in your life. So many other girls that could make you happy, make you smile, make you laugh, constantly. But it seems that it's not me. 

You want me to remind you why me?? Coz you're getting bored don't you? You wonder why do you even like me at the first place. You are afraid you'll forget why. And of course when you ask me that, you've already forgotten why. But I can't tell you why. It's something you only yourself know. That's why you hoped that the feelings stay. Coz it's fading, right? Coz you feel that it's fading.

You never liked me don't you? You seem to be forced to like me. Or maybe you aren't. It seems like you regret liking me.

You don't need to feel sorry for my being of boring. I'm the one who's boring here. But I'm sorry. By that I meant I'm sorry for you that you feel bored because of me. Too bad. I can't entertain.

You make me feel I'm unworthy of you. You always want me to change. Constantly saying you want me to change tho not drastically. But the fact that it's a constant reminder, you want me to change so bad. It's frustrating. Tho I know you know that I'm trying my best.

All I know is that you want me to change how I deal with work together with people. Fine. But what is deal about last night? Why do you want me to change? Why can't you accept? Accept just the way I am? Stay with who I am? What if you never knew these things about me?

Maybe we meet each other at the wrong time. Maybe the future me is already so good. That I don't need to constantly listen to your 'change for the better' lecture. I AM naive. Call me that. It's not soft. It's not kind hearted. It's naive. I might be younger than you, less experienced than you. You might have gone through more shit than I do. Coz I admit I AM naive.

And now you're acting like nothing has happened. I hate you so much. I'm so angry. So mad at you. Why can't you just accept?

Jul 20, 2013

Telling God

It's not about not telling God the problems we are facing; that other places like blogs and social network to be the place to express our problems. No, it's not about that. People have different ways to express. They may already express it to God; then they may also need to express it somewhere, and to someone. Because that's just the way it is. People express things in different ways.

Housemates #3

You know what sucks? When you're really in need, but there's no one in particular that could be there to listen to you

Jul 19, 2013

Back again

Yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I'm happy !!! *happydance* Thank you soo much.

And my dear Mad, I really appreciate that post. I cried :') Thank youu

Jul 18, 2013

Housemates #2

I guess it's hard for me to get used to new housemates. Nasib diorang friendly.

Cook #3

Hahah I tried to cook bendi sambal or whatever the name is, and it was an epic fail. The ikan bilis are burnt. Bendi bendi tu pulak berlendir masa masak. Sebab tak basuh selepas dipotong. Haa memang. Sambalnya pulak melekat kat kuali. Rugi betul. Dan ini lah hasilnya. Gambar pun diambil sebab nak tunjuk kat emak haha. Jadi, ni yang lebih lebih je. Tapi kawan saya kata sambalnya boleh improvekan lagi! Yeayyyy!

Jul 17, 2013


So tell me, who doesn't want to brag about how good a person is? When you are so proud of him/her?

Jul 15, 2013

Fashion police

I asked for the second time, Who actually said it? Not because it was out of jealousy or furious that some people were checking out on him. But because I want to prove to myself that he is more than what he was before. Still, I didn't make that change. He did. Only few words told, and he is how he looks now. Maybe I'm the cause, maybe I'm not. But I proved myself right.

Jul 14, 2013

Cook for people

It's the full moon cycle. And I'm so excited coz it means that I can cook and taste! And to even cook for my homies! You just cannot let go of this opportunity #letsdothis

Jul 12, 2013

Registration Day

Ehh gambar Kowi takde. Well, this is us on registration day, July 8th, out for a movie Despicable Me. Oh, and we celebrated Mad's birthday at night. I love the shawl very much. Worth the expense. Photos will be uploaded!

Jul 10, 2013

Yours quite good too

Since they mentioned him, praising his looks, he seems to be lingering on my mind the whole time. And he wouldn't quit. He wouldn't.

Jul 8, 2013

Good person

Orang yang baik adalah untuk orang yang baik
I guess that really shows in the past engagements and marriages. O Allah.

Jul 6, 2013

Maybe being crazy won't do

A bring the craziness in me. Since the first semester of ACCA knowing him closer, I was like.. okay. I got more tomboy look. I got crazier. I laughed harder. I enjoyed life. Too much I could not stop laughing. I got used to more guys of his likes.

It’s like that when I was with AA. But with the likes of both of these boys, it never worked out. They’re too outgoing, because I am too, maybe.

But then came this guy, innocent, down to earth, rarely speaks; a white horse. There’s a reason they called him a white horse. He is light skinned. Like really. So much contradicting my brown skin. And that makes him so beautiful. Like how beautiful a horse can be, with that swooshing hair, which he has on him recently.

And he is all this good of a guy you could hardly find nowadays. You’d feel so lucky to have him. Despite anything, you will just try not to lose him and make it work, insyaaAllah.

He does not bring the craziness in me. I don’t mind. Instead he makes me more girly than ever. I behaved, because to behave in a good manner would be calming to me, I admit. It’s not because nak control ayu. No. And I hope no. But because the serenity he’d given me, the atmosphere he brought to my life.

Of course, he has his flaws. He is not all the perfect. I’m not. You have to accept the flaws of your one other eventually, right?

By all means of the love stories, I hope this lasts.

Sacrificing holidays

It's a pain in the ass to work on your HOLIDAY. I mean, it's HOLIDAY. Why do you need to work on your HOLIDAY?

That's how previously the organizing board couldn't provide advanced information for students to have better planning of their daily lives.

People like me won't sacrifice HOLIDAY for work. You finally got your day/days off after a loooooooonnnnnng time. And what, you want to sacrifice that? No. You make full use of your holiday. And not by doing the work in the office, nope. You see, that was why when all of the committee in the organizing board like me exist, which none are willing to sacrifice their holidays, the advanced information could not be achieved. It's sad. Really. As a student myself, I'm upset.

But with someone rather devoted and committed to her work, things are better. I respect and salute her commitment. But never will I have that kind of commitment until I actually work and get paid.

I'm that berkira person. It's bad. Like no sincerity. But for now, it's how I see it.

Thankful to the people

I could be so thankful how people enter my life, leaving meaningful knowledge to me, but I could be so passive on expressing how grateful I am to have them.

Is that ego, I sense? Or is it natural for some people to behave this way? Maybe.

Into idioms

I was that freak who high lights a novel, even expensive ones; highlighting attractive and interesting use of idioms, figurative and literative use of words and phrases. And then jot them down so that I won't forget. Or so to use them in my essays. I was that freak, to produce a beautiful lovely page-turner essays. The freak to enlighten people up with adventures carved into words. To let them the chance to live and experience a new life. And having better perspective.

Plainly those are what story books have given me.
I thank mostly to Puan Lidzawati, who inspired me. Thank you.

Wishing birthdays

When you want or have a thought crossed your mind to wish someone birthday, don't procrastinate. Like, I'll wish him later. There won't be a later. Usually you'd forget about it until the day, or days, have passed. Then only you'd going to be to yourself like, Oh gosh I totally forgot to wish him! Bummer.

Just something happens everytime


It's funny how you only quote the things from a book that are only related to you. That might actually benefit other people if you have had quoted other things about life.

Jul 4, 2013

Wasted times

I hate it when you have important things to do, but you couldn't. Let's say you don't have the help (your father) in order for you to do it. You end up having to spend your days at home, doing nothing of importance. That any important thing that might have been, would not be so important because of the more important things you have to do.

Jul 2, 2013


If you still see me as that top student who beat other top students, which has shocked you at that time.. Well, know that that you should not be shocked if failure comes my way.

I'm drowning, going astray. It's difficult.

Kata ganti nama diri

Sometimes it doesn't feel right to use Aku Kau among girlfriends in public. It sounds too harsh. Maybe because I'm already used to Kita Awak.

But listening to Mad and Atul using other than aku kau with me, it somehow bothers me. Coz I'm not used to that. Lol. Well, whatever as long as it's comfortable.

Jul 1, 2013

New entrants

Dulu sewa rumah RM230 sebulan (masuk bil semua). Sekarang dah turun ke RM150 (tak masuk bil semua). Alhamdulillah. Tapi tak tahu gaya hidupnya macam mana. Tapi insyaaAllah okay. InsyaaAllah.

Jun 30, 2013

Quran recitations

Bila dengar orang baca Quran atau berzikir, rasa tenang je hati. Takde nak mengelupor, macam bila dengar lagu yang melaghakan ni.

Tapi lumrah manusia suka dengar lagu lagu macam tu. Susah nak elak. Tapi boleh cuba. Boleh cuba.

New hair

First time to go for a hair treatment in a saloon! Gosh it was so good. Thanks to atul. I need to take care of my hair! It's an essential. Maintenance perempuan ni tinggi!

Studies affected

I told them that this might affect my studies, that I'd blame this if really my studies were affected. But that sounds childish to them. It is unnecessary that this could affect my studies, they say.

But maybe they're right. Maybe the actual thing that has been affecting me is my distant relationship with The Creator.

Women and clothes

Since after reading about women in Syria... I thought... there are other unfortunate Muslimah who are abused and raped to death like in massacre, while here, we are busy thinking and worrying on what clothes to buy or how to get money to buy those beautiful dresses when actually you already have lots of clothes you can wear. Since then, every time I wanted to buy some clothes... these unfortunate women crossed my mind.

It happens especially since Being Me Conference. I couldn't buy any. But to be honest I bought a niqab and  unique socks and that's all I bought (which are categorized as clothes). Others are just buttons.

But well, plainly because I already have too many clothes and the rotation is just so not frequent. I have to resist buying new ones.

And Yusha Evans said, we are one ummah. One body. If any part of the body hurts, you cannot sleep well or be okay with it, you just could not sit still. And there are so many brothers and sisters suffering out there, which we should be reaching out for them, pray for them and do something.

Yet I still could not find a way to help. How?

Jun 28, 2013

Seek knowledge

You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, and the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, breath of the fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner.
You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and the colors fill your mind
- Jac Vanek 


Beli kain sama jenis dengan yang dijual. And tunjuk gambar tu kat orang buat baju, minta dia buat sebijik macam dalam gambar tu. Seems legit.

Padahal curi idea orang haha

Jun 26, 2013

Living Diary

This is how it feels to have a living diary. They tell you, respond to you how foolish you are to keep telling the same stories and even the morals itself but never learn from them.


And until today, it has become a secret. Unspoken. Never will it be let out. And my dear, I wish I could have just told you.

Jun 24, 2013

Wedding Epi

I feel guilty. To not put all my happiness to my brother's wedding. I was too busy worrying on my finals. It was somehow not fair for my brother. I still tried to play along, coz I knew, that what goes around comes around. You need your family most. Remember that.

Here is the day of joy.

Jun 21, 2013

Guys and problems

To guys, they won't see the matter as a problem, unless it is really a problem.
Well, girls are complicated. Everything seems to matter, big time.

Jun 20, 2013

Joyful mum

Seeing mum happy is the best thing ever. I hate to see her looking sad and sick. It feels good to see her joyful like a kid getting a candy. I love you, Mum

Jun 12, 2013


I've decided. That Imma post about my life here, including photos. Not intended for public, not intended to capture any attention, to troll anyone, or tag the posts so people can find it. Nope. It's the kind of posts that I know I'm telling certain people about myself and my life. Intended for a chosen group of spectators, at least that's what I thought whenever I'm writing.

Official dates?

So I'm the first among us. I never thought I'd have one as early as this. Well. I'm glad and happy to spend the days with you.
Alah bajet
Gedik nak edit camni

During brother's wedding..

And still I couldn't get to actually tell mum and dad

Jun 10, 2013


There's a group that I was invited to, which I'm already in. And the name is Xtahu. How cute for my MRSM Kuantan friends to create that.

And back at the time, I just couldn't care less whether I could join them or not. I was too ignorant. Maybe I still am. I'm such a bad friend.

Jun 8, 2013


Saja la tengok cara jawab yang betul. And I got those wrong. Haha spoil mood holiday.

Mungkin gagal F9. Tapi semestinya tak nak gagal. Nak lulus.

Harap semua pass. Aameen. Nak over confident pun tak boleh. Nak kata ada fail pun, tak nak fikir camtu.

Tawakkal je lah

That sweat

I cleaned my room and the kitchen and part of the living room!!! Mopped some part which have been bugging me since. Hahh what a bliss! What more having to sweat as if cleaning was an exercise.

The arrangements are still the same, still looks untidy. But at least I know the dusts or stains are cleaned up.

If Mum knows, she must be like, 'Kat Rumah tak nak pun buat!'

Haha kat Rumah ada Mak, jadi malas nak buat. Teehee.

Jun 7, 2013

Bye June 2013


Now I can talk to you all day long

Haha k

Thank you my bebehs for the prayers v

Jun 5, 2013

x marks

I felt dumb, I felt stupid. Which my marks didn't even portray my 'cleverness', instead I'm just a fool. I couldn't compete with that cleverness. I wouldn't. Might as well just run away from it.

Chances and change

It's stupid for crying over this. It's stupid. It feels so stupid when there's still time to change anything. There are still chances. Just how well do you take that chances to good?

Jun 4, 2013

Eerily silent

I couldn't. It's just the way I am with every one. I stay low. I say nothing. I just sit back and watch you grow, be happy when you are and be melancholic when you're down. And you're always in my prayers, conscious or not.

It's true, I've felt that there are so many people who are better than us out there. And it makes who I am now. I couldn't, with the least confidence to speak up, instead I just stayed low.

Because their presence means a lot more than us chasing for strangers adoring us

Do pray for my exam

Hello darlings,
It's time to put it to use. My dear darling once told me ask the whole world to pray for you.
Well I hope you pray for my best, for this finals. I can bear no more failures.


Jun 1, 2013

It's time

All the people went,
'Have you a boyfriend?'
'Where's your boyfriend?'
'I saw you just nowwww~'

This time I couldn't lie, I couldn't say no. All I could do was smile, and be as thrilled to have someone like you.

And they came

I’m happy mostly because my darlings came to ‘my’ place

May 29, 2013


Yeay favourite people are coming!

May 27, 2013

Being too comfortable

“Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn’t feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn’t even bother to try. You know why? Because they’re comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you’ll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren’t afraid to lose them because they’re yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have.”
- Anon

And this is what I'm always afraid of; relationship in young age.



May 25, 2013


I hate photos when I'm not happy and reluctant to be there

We invited you first, but you’d rather go with them. I’m not even mad. NOT EVEN

Baby (:

I don't need to say who. You already know.

May 24, 2013

Missing me

Not flattering myself, but it feels good knowing someone misses you

Down the road to failure

Bila baca F5/F9, mesti tercuba nak applykan F8 dalam masalah tu. Hmm F9 ke laut, tak tipu.

May 21, 2013


I want to tell you how I actually was looking forward to see you at home, roomie. But I hate to say it. I'd turn vulnerable. I'd let you in. I'd just create someone whom I think I'm the closest to her, which I am actually not. I'd depend on her too much. I can't.

Well, it turns out that you have gone home. That's a shock. Hmm not exactly. Who wouldn't want to go home if there ain't no classes?

May 20, 2013


Irony how you could dream in the same location, building and surrounding, the place you've been, in reality, from the past, way past.

May 19, 2013

Star Trek

After all these years, I just understood what the purpose of star trek is.

They freaking explore the universe.

What have been holding me back to actually watch this movie is that it has weird looking creatures that mingle around with human, like pointy ears. And that the graphic makes them look worst.

But this, into the darkness, I’m glad I’ve watched it. No regrets. I’d pay to watch it, if no one were to treat me a movie. It’s worth the money

And why do Khan have to be so crual and ruthless?! Such beauty but a waste

Years of closeness

Read our conversation. And I actually miss you, lad. There are so many things to update. Things I said to tell later but haven't... I hope that will be one day.

May 18, 2013


I miss having to talk to you about girls. Usha awek ni usha awek tu. Haha. No wait. I actually miss seeing you being that way. You've a girlfriend now. It's hard to tease you on that nowadays. Well things change.

But I'm always the same person who talks about guys. Habits die hard.

May 15, 2013


Sejak semalam. Tak tahu ni sebab terlampau sejuk ataupun terlampau panas sampai mucus cair dan macam selesema je sekarang ni. Sejak belakangan ni pun kahak menjadi jadi. Lepas main tenis, bangun pagi pagi tadi, sekarang ni. Haih. Nak buat camne, dah anak Mak kan. Hmm

May 14, 2013


It feels lonely to eat alone. It feels like you don't have anybody else, you just want a companion. At least someone.

May 9, 2013

Yo own stuff

It sucks when other people wear your stuff prettier than you do

May 8, 2013


I remember asking a foreign couple jut a random stuff. I dunno, maybe coz they seem friendly, they appeared to be so, and perhaps these people are known to be friendly because of how they are, perceived by locals. There might be a chance that foreigners love to be approached. Just that simple acknowledgment changes things, changed my mood.

May 6, 2013

Fatal truth

Maybe I asked too much from you. I should just shut it and accept whatever you do. Some things really meant to be left unsaid. Sometimes utter truth just makes things worst.

You don't want to be a burden to someone. You just want them to treat you because they want to. Not because they have to.

May 5, 2013

I'm a sucker for you

May 4, 2013

But do you ever appreciate my existence? Being a part of your life?

May 3, 2013

It's very unlikely that you will take me. Very unlikely. You're there, and I'm here. Those fairy tales never happen til now. For all I know, she's actually the one that captures your heart.

May 2, 2013

Face is not all when it comes to photos. The surroundings could capture the attention too. The nature, the beauty. It sums up all of the parts. You don’t have to just focus on you.

Now.. How can I have fun in the other side of the world, without you around?

May 1, 2013

Can I just keep all your beauty and your beautiful soul to myself

It's not cool to end your conversation with negative feelings. It's not cool to feel that way and bring it to sleep. It's like the extra bad toppings to the rotten meal

Apr 28, 2013

Dulu kat maktab, setiap pagi baca asma ul-husna. Ni dah dua tahun dibelenggu maksiat. Kurang mengingati Allah swt. Istighfar :(

It's so easy to talk about it, now do we? As if we're so sure that we'd end up together, which would be the loveliest thing that could happen in my life.

Apr 27, 2013


The feelings I feel for you. The things I wish to have. But do you even feel the same?

Apr 25, 2013


Sometimes I wish we go back to the times when we were together
And that I freeze those moments with pictures
So I can reminisce them when I miss you
Because I always miss you

Somehow I regret, but it's the thing that keep my heart from breaking into more pieces than if the pictures exist.


She was there, happy to see you, mesmerized by the sight of you, shiver being close to you
For you, just to see you.


To give away pieces of yourself, to bare your soul, you've let yourself appear vulnerable to that person.

Before even tying the knot

1. Solat
2. Cintailah ilmu
3. Manfaat orang lain
4. Akhlak
5. Relationship dengan Allah
Marriage is not about LOVE, it's about making UMMAH.
And I'm still learning how to love but for Allah swt. It's just difficult to grasp sometimes.

Living in committee

When Atul enters a committee.. even far away from home.. it makes me wonder, why do I hate this so much?

Apr 24, 2013


If you have accidentally fallen for someone else, even if you convince yourself that you won't, then maybe, maybe we are not meant to be

Apr 22, 2013

The beast

It's like beauty and the beast. And the sad part is, I'm the beast.

Apr 18, 2013


It's the fact that you have the other heart to worry, to take care of, when you couldn't even handle yourself right. Your soul is already full of miseries. Adding others to your concern adds it up. And it's difficult for you, because you worry too much.

Apr 17, 2013


Wahai hati, kenapa benda kecil pun senang terusik? You are not strong enough. Even at this young age. So how would you expect that you could handle that in the future? Be strong for yourself. Other people are the least of your concern. Please, build a stronger concrete wall.

Every second of worry

I know why you're a distraction, a huge one indeed. There are always days when I feel like things are left unsaid and hanging, and that's when I start to worry. I worry too much. Maybe it's nothing for you. But me. I worry too much. It's a constant fight against this feeling of anxiety. And it disturbs me so bad, having an immense effect on my focus on more important things. Yes I should not think too much. But that's how I am. And I can't expect you to always sooth me down. I'm not even rightfully yours for you to absolutely take care of me.
Sometimes you are not a disturbance. But when you are, it hurts. Blaming you when you are not to blame. This doesn't seem to be a healthy thing for my mind. I cause myself pain. And it's not even you.

Apr 14, 2013

Heart Attack

I wish to be apart, coz I'm afraid to lose you or be away from you. So let me have that prepared, before I get a heart attack

Apr 13, 2013

That girl

That strong feeling of curiosity in everything she does, that girl he talks to.
My days are so unbearable knowing I'm the cause of your pain


I was too blind to see that you never really loved me the way you loved her

Apr 12, 2013

Not again

Indeed we are too similar in things, we think the same things. We understand each other. Since then, no grudges kept. No unsatisfactory. It's okay between us now. But that doesn't mean I have to break down my wall. No. I won't let the same thing happen again. I'll build it up high. Just enough for this heart to not take seriously everything you do

Everlasting beauty

You are a beautiful sight I want to look at for the rest of my life

Apr 8, 2013

Maybe this is how it is

I made a constant reminder to myself wake up and that first thing I wanna do is to perform Subuh.
Before sleep, I tried to zikr until I fell asleep.
The dreams weren't scary, instead they were the things that I want to do on the next day.
I woke up to the sound of athan, which usually I wouldn't even hear the slightest of it. With will power, I woke up and straight away perform solah. It was a good feeling.
It may be because of excess caffeine. But I believe that is not the case. I've been caffeinated before, my usual Sundays. But this time is different. Because I feel good about today. I look forward to it.
Maybe this is why all these days I've been able to listen to azan and straight away wake up.

In my head

I contaminate myself with the thoughts of you, and indirectly I neglect Him.
Though no matter how far I want to run away, I always want, you.
So I pray. But I always pray that it's you.

Apr 3, 2013

On mind, off the deen

Sometimes I think it's fatal to have a person always lingering on my mind. To have scenes running vividly through your mind. Sometimes against the Deen. When it just doesn't feel right. You think you just have to stop it before it gets worst.
That's why it can't be just the two of us.

Mar 30, 2013


The tight in the chest. It weighs too much. Sobbing too much.


It's cruel to let things hanging
It's cruel to make one suffer
Even for just some while
Pain. It's a constant fight against pain

Those days when all I want is to be with my Mum

Mar 29, 2013


Darlin', as bad I want to be around... there's nothing for me to do there. I'll just be here then. Till next time


I know their position, and mine to his. I'm no one to stop them, what more to stop him. I have to contain this. He's not mine to belong. It's his social life anyway. Let him live his life. I've nothing to do with it. All I could do is just sit there and swallow. It's my own suffering. I couldn't let him know.


I think I'm not ready for audit. I'm not ready to go through again that phase in the exam hall. It's frightening. As I read through the past year questions, I couldn't actually answer. For six weeks, I don't think it's enough for me to cover all.

I'm just so hopeless

Mar 22, 2013


Maybe you are the reason of failure. Maybe you should stop this. It's you who is constantly looking for him. It's you who is creating disturbance to yourself.

So now you know why people become apart. But still, in your hearts you know that it's true. So you don't need to be apart. You just don't have to constantly know of each other.

Coz in your hearts you know it's true.

Mar 20, 2013


If it just takes you further from Allah, then stop what you are doing. For the sake of Allah, you sacrifice for Him and not your own love for the dunya

Mar 17, 2013


I'm tired of crying
But it seems like it would never stop
It keeps on pouring
Tell me now how to make it stop


I know they didn't do much, but just hang around and chill. But that's what makes it fun, just to hang around and chat.

It's the fact that I missed the hang out with the persons I dear, regardless of how they are. Because they're still fun and loving to be with.

Mar 15, 2013


I love it when you call me that name. I just never hear it live

Mar 14, 2013


So I just don't know how to have fun when I don't go around taking pictures

Mar 12, 2013


And it seems like you don't know that I actually treat and appreciate you more than just a friend.

Mar 10, 2013

Guy friends

And so I realized a group of guy friends are the bomb, if and only if you choose the RIGHT group of guys.




Find love

Irony how mum and dad are not looking for happiness on the mutual thing they love. They find it separately, not together.

And so I'm afraid, would we be that way? I thought the most happiest thing is being it with the one you love?


Shut up b!tch. Who's the one changed plans last minute? I don't even care if there's food or not for me. If you're talking about money, then it's not a big deal for me to pay you back. Well then the wasting part would go back to me, I hold that sin. Not you.

Who the fck changed plans? When I've given my whole heart to today? I've packed my bags, I've gotten ready to mandi and lepak there. I was excited. When 2 am in the morning, getting the new that you changed plans, not gonna lie, I was kind of happy, but then I thought, it was upsetting that my plan for today have to be cancelled. I couldn't go there by myself. I don't know the way. I don't care if you say I'm so childish and what not, coz I won't go alone looking for the way. No.

I guess I have to be ready of what they might tease me badly. That maybe my life will be as how the ones who left are.

Indecisive b!itch. Hahah you can call me that. I know. But seriously if all the fuss was about the food and money, I never wanted the food. I don't even care. Why did you guys even gave me hope that you'd come here and we'll go together there? :(

Nevertheless, seeing how you texted me, it's because of the food. Mainly and maybe only. Haha.

Blame me, I don't care.

Mar 5, 2013

Well done

If you want her to feel pain, congratulations, you did it. She's miserable for all you know. You treat anybody else good but not her, intentionally, don't you? Congrats again for giving pain.

If she's the cause of everything you lack of, well, congratulations for making her feel like she just makes your life more of hell. If she's the reason you were not on track. If she's the reason for all your disaster. If she's the reason that you couldn't focus on more important things.


She feels so helpless to hold a heart, but unable to mend it; 'cause it just won't let her through. It just won't.


You doubted yourself but people see your potential.
Still they couldn't see the inside, of what you really feel. People don't know that you couldn't handle stress that much.
But still you won't back off because you don't want them to be left hanging. Who could possibly be helping them if not you?
You know you are kind of having regrets for turning that opportunity down. It seems like the work she gets is still the only bit of what you do. You still have huge responsibility.
Maybe not being at upperhand ease a bit of burden. But you still don't know the work you have to do. It may be bigger than what you already have. You don't know. Every thing is unsure. Just be ready that it might be heavier than you thought it'd be.
You can't have ever thing your way. Ni la namanya kuli. You just
do what the upper management tells you to do. You have been wanting to be low anyway. Just don't regret later. And it's too late to regret anyway.

Mar 4, 2013


Don't complain. Cos others are feeling the pressure too. It's just how you handle it.
Oh by the way, I miss you

Mar 3, 2013


She has come to the extent that she's ready for a huge loss, because things are getting harder between the both of you. It hurts her to hurt you, and to see you hurt. She never intended anything, it's just how she is. Then she knew, she just isn't worth to be loved by anyone else, and you.

Maybe this is how God shows that it's not the right thing.
Maybe it also means both of you have to fight harder.
Or maybe,  you just deserve someone so much better.

How long?

How long will you keep it bottled up? How long will you just be patient for all the things? How long will you let her torture you inside? You've done so much for her and all she knows is to take, and never give. How long?

Feb 25, 2013


I guess I'll never learn how to cope myself with this constant stress and pressure and burden and such huge responsibilities with huge burden that sometimes I have to carry it by myself that it's all in my head like it's gonna burst

I get it. Hardships, then comes the good part where all your hard work comes to a good outcome. It's the satisfaction. But somehow I'm not satisfied at all. There's nothing to be satisfied until I get back what I always wanted. To not be a part of this shit.

Think all of the good stuff, the good you do to people. But I just don't want it.


It's so hard to contain this jealousy.. It builds up so high, too much, you just couldn't bear to hold it in. You love to see him happy. But it breaks your heart that it's not you who makes him so.

Feb 23, 2013

Give and take

And sometimes he's being unpleasant. Sometimes you feel like you're being used. But then sometimes, you owe him things. It's about give and take. Learn that.

Couldn't shed a tear

Emotionless or cold, I just couldn't shed a tear for anyone who's leaving Malaysia. It's not that I don't feel sad. I do. But that's just me. Say anything you like, cold hearted and what not, I just couldn't.


The days when I can have you all by myself


Kids stress about having to go with the rules mostly at school and from parents; having to do things parents ask to do; that they can't go anywhere and do whatever they please. They want a freedom life to be able to do anything they want

Whilst adult teens, adults, they wish to be kids, to be problem free. No stress. Just fun. No huge responsibilities.

Well either way, in any age you are, you are still stressed. Kids don't understand how their life is so fun at that age. They couldn't. Mostly only when they grow up, they come to realize, they should've fun.

Feb 22, 2013


I don't think I deserve all your kindness. I don't think I could actually give you happiness. When I'm always like this. This is not how it is. I can't fake my sadness when around you. And that's bad. You are always happy with other people. And I'm always gloomy. And you don't deserve to be treated that way.

There are times in days that all I want is to see you from afar, seeing you with smiles and laughter. Because that's the only way that I could see you being joyful, in which when I'm not around. 

Feb 20, 2013

Hecka life

He doesn't tell you don't post that kind of photos. And some people even liked it; didn't oppose it. The fact that it's not only one group, but a gather of many groups together. It shouldn't be a big deal. But whatever, it lasted long enough. I actually wanted to change it 2 days after that, but is too busy with life, and the fact that I'm scared to browse through my pc. I'm actually not the one to be blamed. It's between the guys. The guys are too fragile inside

Organising board

I hate this body representative. I hate it

Feb 19, 2013

Quality pass?

The question is, do you want plainly for just passing,

Or do you want to have a quality pass? In which you learn until you really get it, in result getting high marks insyaaAllah.

And so I'm confused. Very confused.

Female and talks

I know I don't talk much. But the fact that I'm a female species, I still do talk A LOT, especially with the people I trust and the people I'm comfortable with. There are just so many things to talk about; I don't even know if they give a blitz about my ramblings. Sometimes I feel like people would say, Gosh when is she ever going to stop talking

 Being said this, I'd try to control myself. I'd try

Feb 17, 2013

Only that moment

You miss how everything is so great at that moment. Even if it happens again, afterwards, things go back to all the bitter cold

Feb 16, 2013


So after what happened, do I still mean this much to you?


I know I'm not ready. Neither do I want hopes to be shattered.

Feb 14, 2013


That sucks. But you can't please every one. I'm trying, and I see that she is doing the same too.

For all I know, she never disturbs your private space. Like how I try not to.


Sometimes you know your thoughts are just so awesome, like the words are nicely put, that you just need to immortalise those words in any form. That you just feel if you don't do it then, you might forgot your amazing thoughts. You just HAVE to put it down.


The worst birthday is that you don't officially get a birthday wish from the person you most hope to get from, regardless the fact that other loved ones celebrate your day.

It may sound so ungrateful. But you can't help how you feel.

Feb 12, 2013


There’s a reason why my close friends and I are in different ways. My best friends are hardly around. It’s hard to always contact each other. So they don’t know how I actually am like.

I just tend to hurt the people close to me. I become so emotional, angry or sad, I let it out to them. I over acted. I over acted til it hurts them. It really hurts them, I know. And I’m always too late to take back those words. It’s so stupid, I’m an idiot.

My girls don’t see this. How could they anyway. A part of me wishes that this friendship just stays this way. That I don’t need to hurt the people I love.

That’s the reason. To be apart, so that I can’t hurt them.


You don't appreciate enough the people who want the best for you. You take them for granted. How can people help you when you're not helping yourself?

Feb 11, 2013


I slept my nights, skipping family dinner which is so important to my brother. I was being a douche and selfish. I don't know what went through me. I was just so exhausted doing nothing.

Maybe this failure tires the hell out of me. I'm just so foolish. Idiotic.

Feb 10, 2013


It sucks that sometimes people don't know the certain things they do actually really hurts. Because of the past, because of what happened in the past.

It just hurts so much.

Even after anything, even if you really mean no harm.

Feb 8, 2013


See what my homies made me do. I hate chu haha
Gotta love these boys. The things they do.
People may not read this. But I appreciate everything you do. The wishes on Twitter and Facebook. And the texts I received. Thank you. You guys made my day.

Feb 7, 2013


And you left without a word. You might not feel anything. But she does. She's hurt.

Feb 6, 2013


I'm sorry for today is such a waste. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. You could have been home by now. In fact, by hours ago. In the end, we got nothing. I'm sorry.


I think I should just get away from everybody. It’s maybe happening. Maybe.
Were there any misunderstandings tho? Maybe.
This is not a very good parting. I’m home with uneasy feelings.

Feb 5, 2013

Carry on

What if thìs all only stays as 'cinta remaja'? What if it wouldn't blossom? What if?


And you always worry about the uncertainties. Would this all feelings go to waste? You don't know. You just don't know. Only Allah does.

Feb 4, 2013


It was brief, but that was all I wanted. To feel again how it was to have you around, us, and them.

Feb 3, 2013

Dear you

You didn’t even try to ask me out. It’s like for you it’s better that I’m not around, that you try so hard to not invite me, that if I’m around, it’d be awkward.

The least you could do is ask. But you didn’t. Terasa sangat. Luka masih belum sembuh. And it's not even you who wounded me.

Everything you do, I remember. The things you like. The things you try. Your habits. Your behaviour. I’m just so sad that it all come to this, after everything we’ve been through together. It’s hard to let go.

But I was never a good friend. I judged you so bad. Even now. All you wanted was someone to lend their ears. I did, but I judged you. Sigh what even

Jan 31, 2013


If this all wouldn't happen... if this all go to waste upon a day... then know that you're breaking me apart. All the years that I'd spend to wait for you... oh Allah... cure this soul

If it's good for me, then make it easy for me.
If it's bad for me, then, please, make it hard for me.


Dah takde Husna nak tolong balutkan buku
Dah takde Hannan nak geng bangun tidur
Dah takde Durrah nak tolong basuhkan pinggan (haha)
Dah takde Yana nak ajar makan dalam bungkusan mee
Dah takde Echa nak lawan annoying
Bukan tu je. Banyak lagi sebenarnya. Satu tahun pun banyak benda terjadi. Mestilah kan haha
Tetiba emosi (:

Jan 29, 2013

Money and Frustrations

Money can cause frustrations, deep frustrations. So many things to pay. So many things to buy. It all goes down to how you manage your money.

Jan 25, 2013

Seeing the obvious

I worry your position. You might get hurt. Why do you have to believe in a guy such as him? It's so obvious the likes of him is hazardous for your heart.
And since you already know the slight, more to the utter truth about his love life, why are you still putting hopes?

Jan 24, 2013


I don't want people to know. I want to stay as low as possible. As invisible as possible. Let people not know my existence.

Jan 20, 2013

Partner in job

When I worry too much on our tasks, my partner is always there to say that it's okay. That I need to chill down a bit because what we got, are sometimes so irrelevant to the situation. And that's why you work in two.

Jan 15, 2013


I'd rather fall than be caught by hand and at the back, from falling. I'd just rather fall.


I wonder... am I a huge bother to them? To always be around? To always want to tag along? That they think it is inappropriate? Who am I to them?

And why do I care and worry so much on who I am to them?


It disturbs me how they are more important to you than us. That you express your fondness on them, but only once in many blue moon on us. Hardly that we know, you think about us. Maybe because the photos are not many to choose. But maybe because the love is not huge enough to be let out.

And pardon me. This is the envy writing.

Jan 12, 2013

More to bring

New solid wardrobe, carpets, new shoes, new bag, new mattress, new pillowcase, new bed sheet. Ahah, just to satisfy the needs.


She knows her root. She got stronger when both of us left. We still mean the world to her. The people she's now with? That shows how strong she is to move on with life. You just can't blame her if she expresses that love more to other people and not us. We just have our different ways.


Do you know how I went to be the crazy girl? It was with you. You taught me that. To be myself. But now...
Where is the extremist me that I know? Where is that me who lifts up her cloth up to her face when she is embarrassed? Where is the me who does the 2 1/2 fingers thingy? Where is everything I was? Where has she gone?

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to feel like you're not trying hard? Is it wrong to feel so, because you know I'll wait for you? Because this flattering feeling I feel, makes us grow apart

Jan 11, 2013

Twins of Faith 2012

By various persons.

**This is what I learnt and got the chance to jot down. It may not be in  sequence. Do correct me if I'm wrong. All the bad is from me, and all the good comes from Him. 

  • Don't be happy that you have no hardships. But be worried that you're not tested. This EASY life IS a test.
  • In life you must have Imaan, Ikhlaas, and Correct.
  • Smoking, its harmful to life, like committing suicide You have to know where you're money earned come from. You also have to know how do you spend your money. For instance, you spend your money for the Astro? Satellite TV with various channels? Those are full with haram and waste of time.
  • And also ask yourself, how do you act upon your knowledge? All the knowledge you've learnt?
  • Dunya; it smells like hell, but tastes like paradise.
  • The women, are the princess.
  • Life is worthless without the chance to see Allah. Everything you do, seek the face of Allah.keep reminding yourself of Jannah. It's how you get real sincerity. The love for dunya destroys sincerity. The love for dunya, for example, that you're afraid of what people will talk about you or criticize you. This fear, contradicts sincerity.
  • Nothing should consume your mind but Allah! To be successful, put that moment, the moment where you are in front Allah, and ask yourself what you're going to say to Allah if you do this or that.
  • Ask yourself, 'What is my intention or motivation? Due your action?' It all must be down to ikhlaas.
  • For example, niat for sadakah must be right. Niat for everything you do must be for the sake of Allah. Not riak and such. Hide your good deeds. Quality of your deeds depends on your level of ikhlaas.
  • Look everything in perspective of Islam Have fun in halal way. Have fun in Islam. Fun is in our blood and so is Allah and so is Islam. Start by doing small things. Like joining a conference, be a volunteer.
  • Journey is not always the way we want it to be, it is always with trials. If you do things out of sincerity, Allah will send you people that will keep you going.
  • All of us are created for Jannah. What we have to do is make it back home.

Jan 10, 2013

I was just thinking

If I wait for you longer, my affection is stronger.

Jan 8, 2013


If you're scared, then let us be apart.

Jan 6, 2013


And all she wants is you. Regardless how many times things bounced back. All she could think of is you.


Maybe she will run away if you never showed how much you want her in your life. Maybe you can't blame her if she really did.

Jan 5, 2013


It's a long way to go. But I want you to know this is how I actually feel about everything. So you can see how I don't take you for granted.

Have me

I feel like taking back my words. But really, all I want is for you to trust me, and take me. Tie the knot. Have me.


If at home, I don't mind. As lonely as I'd feel, I had mum and dad. But this. I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice and see your face. I never knew I wanted these.

Jan 4, 2013


So I put away the pain that I want to give. I couldn't give it. Because the joy in me, it got out. It wanted to be free. And you knew, all along, that they do no harm to you, internally. All this while, it's just the jealousy that you felt. Maybe the bond that they have. You harmed yourself with envy. It's not them. But it's you.

Maybe you are the future

You should know that he was the pain. That I think I could not bear it no more. And I'm just waiting for you, now. Just you. Maybe this is it. Maybe you are the future.


I love to hear everything about you. Your pain, your sorrow, your happiness, your joy. The things you do. Coming from you. Everything.


Smoking? In front of your friends? Us? Girls? It's not about you not being hypocrite, that you are not afraid to show your true colour, your true self. It's not about all that. But it's about respect. You should know that the smoke you exhale harms the people around you who involuntary inhale that smoke. A secondhand smoker is more dangerous than you are. I just don't see the appropriateness in the fact that you, the likes of you, smoked cigarettes in front of us. At least find a place far from us, which is not harmful to us. I feel so upset.

Jan 1, 2013

Twins of Faith 2012: Purification of Soul

By an American lecturer Omer Suleiman.

**This is what I learnt and got the chance to jot down. It may not be in  sequence. Do correct me if I'm wrong. All the bad is from me, and all the good comes from Him. 

  • The greatest enemy is your free time. Spend your time on good things.
  • Guilty conscious are not there when you let yourself towards sin. Learn to stop the sin the second you remember Allah. Don't let bad things, example, gazing, entertains your thoughts.
  • Standards change in accordance to the people around you. Your view and standards change.
  • Thus change the environment. Distant yourself from the sin. If the medium of your sin is Facebook, then deactivate your Facebook account. Make sacrifice for Allah, leave the sin. Leave the things that lead to sin.
  • A believer is the mirror of a brother. People can point out to you what you can't see. Surround yourself with people who love you and tell that you're messing up. Surround yourself with people that care for you. That point out your faults in a way that they care.
  • Good deeds lead you closer to Allah. It makes you aware of yourself. But do not be proud of your good deed.
  • The sin that make you taubah totally is a good thing, that you're forgiven of that sin, because of that sin, you changed for better.
  • Be engaged in purifying yourself, that you try and strive to be closer to Allah. That when explaining your deeds, you can say, 'These are the things I did, and I have tried my best for You.'
  • Tell kids with positive enforcement, make 'em feel good for what they do, for example solah. You should say A'uzubillahiminash shaitaanirrajiim, and tell them, don't be lazy. Instead of telling them that they're lazy and shaaitan is influencing you.
  • We get closer to Allah through our sin. We should recognize our imperfections and strive for perfection.
  • Feeling good about your good deed is good. It means you're still alive, your spiritual. But don't be proud of it. The deed should not make you feel like you're better than anyone else and make you do less deeds.
  • Fear that you're not as good as you are in private.
  • Turn towards Allah, as long as you're moving in the right direction. Allah patches up for, make excuses for you, for the sin you made. Allah covers up your sin with your voluntary deeds.
  • Allah, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. The basis of these words is Ar-Rahmah, which is motherly love.
  • Those who are accustomed to failure, so dependent on others and like to blame others, and actually knew their potential but procrastinate.
  • Avoid minor sins which are intentional and consistent. Paradise of certainty inside you heart, which is Allah. Just ask Allah, speak to Allah. Lord is willing to forgive you and show you mercy.

That is all. Till then. Salam.

Twins of Faith 2012: Blissfully married & Happily divorced

By an American lecturer Omer Suleiman.

**This is what I learnt and got the chance to jot down. It may not be in  sequence. Do correct me if I'm wrong. All the bad is from me, and all the good comes from Him. 

Lailahaillallah keeps us going.

Choosing a person based on deen and the character that you like. A quote says, "Tongue its a spoonful of heart." Good tongue possibly has a good heart. But a bad tongue has a bad heart. This must taken into consideration too. But don't choose a hypocrite. Like, saying, "Islam will make its way later after married," is not a good thing. It usually could destroy your marriage. This is about how you interact during marriage. Deen helps you get through marriage. It holds the marriage together and for to seek blessing. It's about learning each other's character, the internal beauty (khuluk).

  • Parents should help and be involved in finding the spouse for children. Like, give advice, but not force them.
  • Before marriage, ask about serious things in an appropriate situation, i.e there's a mahram near you to watch you. Discuss about serious matters and the conditions you want when you're married. If you want your spouse to change for the better i.e stop from doing a bad habit, you need to tolerate with that by offering him a favour of your own. For example, wearing hijab.
  • But don't ask about past tense, their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, their previous relationships. Leave the past behind.
  • A wife can tell the husband don't marry another woman, but this must be told early, when in discussion.
  • Attraction is important, to most people. Though attraction is not all. The attraction of your spouse, it guards your gaze. It'll just create distraction.
  • People should read on their responsibilities in a marriage, not their rights in a marriage. It is not about claiming your rights in a marriage, it's more to your responsibilities in a marriage.
Once you've discussed with each other on what you want in a marriage, then comes the Istikharah, for guidance. Pray to Allah to make it easy for you if it's good. And to make it hard for you if it's bad.

In marriage: 
  • Ensure your family is compatible with your spouse and does not make your spouse's life miserable. Be separate from in-laws; have separate houses. Give your spouse (wife) privacy as much as you can. Create space between your family and your spouse. But reconcile with both parties that seeing them cold with each other is making your life miserable. Perhaps they could learn to like each other for you.
  • Don't take sides between your family or your spouse. Do not belittle your spouse.
  • Identify each other's space, the boiling point. Take time to distant from each other when in a severe argument or about to have one. Remove yourself from striking. Do not talk it out at that time, when you're fully emotionally charged. Stop the argument, recite Istighfar, and make wudhu'. Reconcile with each other, but not fighting.
  • If once violence started, don't think it's gonna get better. It is not going to get better. Stay away from violence. Don't let your kids being exposed to it.
  • This all relates to al-Mujahidah, which is, based on what Imam Raghib Asfahani wrote, 'the concentration of all your efforts to face the enemy', the shaaitan.
  • Wife must obey the husband, but only unconditionally(?). Men are to make decisions, but also decisions that held with accountability, to deen.
After divorce, you should cut all the communications with your ex-spouse. Unless for necessary things for instance, regarding kids.

That is all. Thanks. Salam.