Jul 26, 2017

#448

Mom: Cuba bagitahu. Bagitahu je. Tak payah simpan.
Me: Dari sebelum tunang dulu, Erin tak nak kahwin.
Mom: Sebelum tunang? Kenapa kamu tak bagitahu dulu? Kalau dulu, boleh je tak payah kahwin.

Right then it hit me to the very core that agreeing to marry was the stupidest decision in my entire life. 

I'm suffering. And my husband is in the same condition. You might see that I don't give a damn. But inside I'm broken. It also affects me and my life and my work. That's why I always have no mood to work even though it is the place where I can escape my personal life. 

I guarantee you that this has no third person in the picture. It's just me. I do not want to get married yet. Not because I'm not ready. Because I don't love husband as I used to. I do not care for him as I used to. 

It is crazy to force myself to love him. Before I got married, I was afraid that I would get revenge on him. I tried to console myself, remember Him to istighfar and calm down. Think straight. Pray to Him. 

But then, I was defeated. My fear became reality. I get mad at husband because of the decision I have made myself. 

Again, if this still goes on, I would be pasrah. Redha, it might come later. Lowkey I still want this to go on. Because my husband is the so perfect you could not find another person as unique and good as him. That's the thing, I don't want him to get hurt. It is not fair for him. He loves me but I neglect him. It's hard to do good deeds. I know I have sinned since the day it became sah. But then it is so hard for me to force myself to love him. How do people do all these things without love? I have, in my mind, multiply killed him and my parents. And then killed myself. I could go crazy. Idk.

Nevertheless at the same time, since my parents knocked some sense into me, I am doing my best to be a better wife. But dear husband, my heart is lost.

#447

I don't hate marriage. I only hated weddings.

But then. Forcing myself to rekindle the sparks. This is sick. How long can I force myself :(

*mentally killing myself thousands of times*

Jul 17, 2017

#446

Things I've achieved:
- no high heels; wore boots instead
- no heavy makeup 
- no inai
- no princess crown; flower crown instead
- no meleret dress
- usable dulang hantaran i.e takyah susah nak bawak balik dulang dulang, tak mahal pun the bekas hantaran
- no potong cake
- Ha punya baju melayu and suit below 300 in total
- Ha bagi hantaran reused stuff lol bagus save duit dia
- no official salam & du'a after nikah (kelakar sebab entah, at least ada la doa from Ha; tapi takde cam ok je)
- great photos
- great photobooth 

But I'm not sure I want to post anything

Jul 12, 2017

#445

My BDO colleagues/friends are soooo kind. Dari mana diorang tahu aku kahwin pun, Idk. Maybe facebook and words of mouth la kot kan but still, diorang nak datang to congratulate me lagiii

Gosh I feel so evil

Tapi sebenarnya memang nak invite! but limited kan :( dah almost terlebih invitation pulak tuu.

Anyway, yang from BDO, Nabil je. Itu pun cam tak kira sangat sebab dia from UiTM gak. So from BDO cam takde :/

Rasa cam nak invite BDO peeps untuk yang Ganu punya. I know cam jahat je, sebab jauh kan. Tapi that’s not the point. Aku memang nak ajakk. Tu pun kalau Ha bagi.

FREAKS