#525

I was selfish on my wedding day. Those whom I invited, would they still be the friends I invite when I'm old? Would we still stay in touch?

I should have let mom and dad invite theirs instead.

I have said this before, but I can't help that my regrets intensified as I edit these wedding photos. I know for a fact that photos could deceive. But still, seeing your parents' happiness captured in photos, as they let you go.

#524

My one regret for our wedding ceremony is that I invited so many of my friends whom I don’t even stay in touch. I should have just let my parents invite the people they know. Or even more of our relatives.

#523

One thing I can guess about my death is that, no one would actually in honest way, say good things about me. For example, if I was loved by everyone, if I was kind. People might just be silent about it. They wouldn’t say anything except dua, and takziah. 

Because honestly, I have not done so much for anyone, even for myself. I’m beating myself up, huh? I know I make peace with myself. But that’s what I think I am.

There was a survey, it has a few topics like career, relationships, hobbies, etc. I can’t remember. It’s a solid Yes or No survey. And unsurprisingly, I ticked mostly No’s in my relationships. Friends and family. Oh gosh. Especially family, my parents and siblings! When they’re the most important people, I don’t even bother to mend things.

And that’s how I see my death would be like.

But at the same time, I always pray that I’m in your dua.

#522

One thing I feel useful for today is that I did proofreading for a short clip. That I got to detect some errors. But now I still doubt that the word ‘inputs’ is grammatically correct. I think input is an uncountable noun. Hm k

#521

LM viral post. Yeah I agree why people are mad. Because of that one statement, one sentence. True, she did not thoroughly review the things she would say, or else she wouldn't have come out with that statement. In all honesty, I was shocked too when I heard the statement LIVE. But I brushed it off because I understand the whole point of the video and the all other videos. She's just trying to help, giving advises, collected from real experiences.

I mean, to me, she never included Islam exclusively, in all of her talk. Because the advise is general even for non-muslims. And I agree, because I always thought of how Posh Beckham is still with David Beckham, and the fact that someone (my friend maybe?) said something like, "Ye la, tengok la camne dia jaga suami dia." Yakno? So I don't get why people are saying, penunggang agama? She didn't relate most or anything to agama? As far as I remember. Because honestly, I was always questioning why she didn't include words from Quran or Hadith when she gives talks.

She is the owner, the boss, and maybe her husband didn't even get to review. Thus the video was posted. Because she thought nothing was wrong in that video. She turned out wrong. But she admitted it. And I know the issue is very sensitive. So sensitive because victims are barely cured from the trauma and experience. True.

I don't think it's wrong? To advise people on rejuvenating marriages. To spread the stories from couples who have experienced hardships etc. I mean, sometimes it's hard to know some problems exist, until there is a channel to tell you so. And the worst things exist, people. And she's helping us to prevent or cure that.

I don't know man. Maybe you'll say aku menjunjung sangat dia, taksub dengan dia dan agenda dia. But I don't think I am. I am fully and well aware of the rapists issue. And it is definitely wrong.

To me, people make mistakes. No human is perfect. People accidentally say things, rational or irrational.

I still look forward to her talks and advises that are related to my situation. Coz her stories she got from other people really help. I think people who are very long in a marriage could agree on her advises.

#520

I know I'm not using my knowledge and skills to the fullest. Not in terms of accounting, not even in terms of photography, or even in terms of being able to do what runners can do. 

Rugi la. Kamu dah dapat pelajaran tu. Orang lain bukan susah lagi nak dapat.

I know he is right. But then I remembered a conversation between me and Nuroule. I think I said something like, I want to settle for less. I just want to be an accountant. That's it.

But of course, she is very the opposite of me. She has visions and missions. While I don't. My vision stops there. An accountant.

To think back, I might have only thought about being an accountant while also being in charity stuff. Since I was in high school.

I don't know why. No one from the corporate (or maybe anywhere) ever motivates me to work more than what I want. I know I can do better. I know those positions are easy to get. But I just don't go for it?

Am I doing this wrong? I know for a fact, I actually need to have a full-time job. Not a part time. I don't know where I'm going with this company, but I'm still here alhamdulillah. I do feel useless, no blame on any employer. Like I don't use my brain, like how my cousin sister always say about her job. She got paid, but her brain doesn't do much work. I know that everyday goes by, I thought, I want to do more. Just maybe not accounting? I don't know.

I hate that Dad is right. I know I have gone through a lot to finish my professional course, to just throw it away? But, I just can't, Dad. How do I explain this?