#45

A few things crossed my mind.

One thing when I was about to think of the title number, I thought, I only had 44 posts in 9 months. How detached I am with journaling my feelings here.

Then before that, I saw Mad's latest post. I haven't read it but I can't wait, I'm excited. No matter what kind of story, hers will always be heartfelt.

And actually, I forgot the other things, the main reason I wanted to write this new post today...

Ok I remember now. I just looked back at my phone, on what made me want to straight away go here and write something.

It was the calamity among my siblings, that has been lifted up. Alhamdulillah. Which it is included in the blessings that I have this year. That my two siblings are now in peace with each other. Alhamdulillah.

I thought it was gonna be forever, or a veeeery long time. I couldn't do much but du'a. And alhamdulillah.

Actually, I think it was since laster year... or the previous year... I can't remember. But then again, I'll include that in the list of blessings I have this year, 2020.

This blessing is related to the time that goes so fast this year and how less I do reflections on blogger. So many things have happened.

I am forever grateful that my husband is with me all through.

Alhamdulillah.

#44

 It started with me just voicing out that I have a class on Allah's name, At-Tawwab, The Most Forgiving.

Which could easily relates to Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim. Rahmat Allah. Sejauh mana. Kepada semua manusia, baik Islam atau kafir. 

And suddenly it led to the answer I have been looking for for so long... subhannalah. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah. 

To why are we even created? Not what's the purpose of us in this life, but it's why even want to create us humans?

My husband shared what he has learnt from Dr Zakir Naik on YouTube. 

About roh in luh mahfuz. Etc etc. I don't wanna go into detail on that, unless I have found the source. But may Allah reward my husband for this sharing. I cried. MasyaaAllah. 

All this while, all I know is to just do good and I will be rewarded. I did not feel the sweetness of it all. The real sweetness.

Maybe I only felt that really deep connection only at the moment I cried, and while I am writing now. But I hope I will feel it again, and continuously seek for it. Because Allahu, it is such a good feeling. 

In this dunya, it's not always rainbows and butterflies, like Jannah. In Jannah, we only feel good things. But not dunya. So I do expect that that sweetness I felt when Ha was sharing the story, would not last. It is a constant and insyaaAllah istiqomah thing to seek for.

So alhamdulillah for the feeling that I have felt even for a minute. 

May we be istiqomah in our journey to seek His blessings.

#43

 

Subhanallah. My intention was never to take anyone from anyone. All I ever intent, the ultimate intention is to obtain His blessings.  

My intention, our intention, is to inspire people, through showing good and do good, be good and kind. If anyone is ever inspired by that, then alhamdulillah.

It's like how a teacher teaches his students, and then the students use the knowledge to apply in his daily life, to improve his life, that benefits him. 

To be fair, would you feel the same way if I were other celebrity? No, right? :) Because it is impossible.

And masyaaAllah sister, you cannot force people to accept someone. "If you are still single awak boleh terima dia." Girl, how can it be that easy when you yourself feel affected and hard to let him go.

I want to say something about this because I feel affected. I feel affected because it's not what I want things to happen. I want people especially women to feel confident in themselves and do good be kind to people, always. Even when people do bad things to you. MasyaaAllah, Allah will reward you for that. 

On a side note, I'm trying to be an inspiration, not just with how I bring myself and the clothes I wear, but also charismatically, how I talk and such, like Aida Azlin. I'm still trying to hone that skill insyaaAllah for the better. Because I do think I can. Allah has gifted us sets of skills and it's up to us on what we're gonna do about it.

Despite everything, what you see, I may look perfect but subhanallah, I am not. Kita nampak hebat dan baik sebab Allah tutup aib kita. Kalau Allah buka aib kita.. percayalah, sahabat baik, keluarga kita dan pasangan kita pon lari tinggalkan kita. 

Put that aside, this is not the first time I received this kind of message. There was even a married woman who DM-ed me to stop getting to her husband. Like... subhanallah. To be fair, what I see from my side, I never had a content that was 'menggatal'.

And take Nabil Raja Lawak for example. He was always mengusik Neelofa. But he's married. It's all about content creation. Be it a man or a woman.

For everyone who feels insecure seeing their partner falling or having a crush on a person you see ONLINE, we need to be confident in ourselves, despite our imperfection. What you are feeling is insecurity. Doesn't mean I look good, talk good, that I have a good heart, because only Allah knows, and no one is perfect. Always rely on Him. And I always pray good for everyone, for the ummah, insyaaAllah.

Again I say, I'm not perfect as you see. We are destined to know each other for a reason. Alhamdulillah.

Update

17 September 2020, 12:09pm

I'm not saying bad stuff here but... turns out she's also sharing a guy's live stream with captions like, "xxxx hensem" or "xxxx cute". Like, girl... and then you mengadu like this to the page. Maybe you need to have a reflection, muhasabah diri. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but that's what I see, as a stranger to your situation. And then what more, you want to be insecure. Subhnallah *pening gw*

#42

Whenever I don't know what more to do in my life, I'm always reminded for the people who exist in my life, for their du'as. Their du's even when they don't know whatever troubles I'm facing. I also pray the same for them. 

For their support. For their support of time and money. Subhanallah. I'm actually thinking of our supporters, who Allah has gerakkan hati diorang untuk spend that money to support us. Supporting us so that we can move forward, continue our journey to get His blessings, masyaaAllah.

Also to anyone who has invested their time to support us.

Despite that, thanks to my family. They don't directly support me, because they were not the first persons whom I tell about my work to. But still, when they knew, even when we still have not got any money out of it, Mom still supported me. Mom was so happy too, seeing I kinda did modelling, even when I did it for one or two instance haha. 

Really. Alhamdulillah. Don't forget to mention Him. Whatever your situation is. Innallaha ma'na.

#41

I wish I can end my life

It’s just a feet away

To jump

Maybe you don’t even need to jump 

The knife would suffice