#51

12:29PM

I don't know how many times that I have to reassure myself to always be thankful, always be motivated and semangat. It's tiring to fight myself. It's tiring to fight back the weak version of me.

All I want to do is just vanish, because it seems like I don't give any positive impact to a community, even my mom and dad. This statement seems selfish, but I just so rarely keep in touch with my family, hence does my existence matter?

I might have lost myself in the pursue of good performance on statistics. I was high spirited, especially at night, as Ane*q said it. But what happened now? I can't use Rina as an excuse. Heck, I feel like I want her to disappear, so that I become one. Because she is me and I am her. 

I think I have mistaken myself with her. All my light has gone to her and that's why people want her more than they want me. Why care what people think of you, when you can become yourself, the Rina in you?

I hate how I always wanted to ask my supporters, but Ha said, there's no need. But lately, he wants me to ask them. Like, really? I hate how he changes in his principle. I have always. always wanted to ask them, especially those who I have been PM-ing coz I feel closer to them. But Ha didn't let me.

I feel like having this deep conversation with them, not only would benefit me, but also to them. Because I feel so lost right now. 

*few minutes later*

Just realised I couldn't solat and dah masuk waktu, so I was forcing myself catching up with AA's love letters. That's good though, food for my soul.

3:23PM

Finished lunch with husband and some reflections. Well, Rina is actually me with husband so I can't actually show that character in front of people, but as a different persona, which is... Rina herself haha

It's true though that I can actually be some of Rina, because that's basically me. I'm actually crazy and crack and happy-go-lucky I just overlooked myself yakno.

Actually I miss being crazy during live stream. These 2-3 months, I've been kinda reserved...

Whenever I start to feel I'm unworthy, I always force myself to say Alhamdulillah. Grateful that I have things to do. Grateful that my time is not idle. Grateful that this way, I can serve. Grateful that I can be out there. Grateful that I actually have EVERYTHING I NEED to live, because that's all I want, the things I need, not the things I want. 

With the "wealth" that I have, I want to give back to the community, to my family, to make people happy, to make especially my parents happy, because Allah loves it. This is one the sharing from Neelofa. 

Grateful that Allah gives me this 'hardship' because He is purifying me, testing me, for me to be better. Even though it does not seem as hardship to other people, but inside, mentally, you are struggling, so appreciate and don't put away that feeling, because you need to go through it.

Grateful that He gives this hardship, to also test you, do you rely on Him? You do your best, you do your part, then surrender everything to Allah, not to human.

But really though, how do I know if I have surrendered everything to Allah after I've done something? Hm

Anyway, I couldn't rest last night, because I think too much, worry too much. I depended on Ha to ease me, to give me ease of words, but he did not. So I just listened to random Quran recitations and persuade myself to ignore your husband and rely on Allah. Alhamdulillah I had a good sleep and did not feel bad when I woke up. I did not feel lazy when I wanted to wake up. Alhamdulillah.

Really though, yes they are the people who Allah lent you for your comfort, but you just can't depend on them.

I'm just blabbering as usual, hence there's no conclusion to this. It's what's been on my mind. So adios.