#63

10:16pm

Should I try to write something or play games eh... haha

1st January 2021, 3:06pm

I played WR until 2AM last night. With only one victory like what the heck. I feel so down man. Like, what good do I do in this life???????????????????????

Maybe I should have focused on thinking what to write for my first post on IG.

Writing captions is so hard. So I'm gonna start with pouring my heart out here.

And... funny thing is, I don't even know what to write as reflection here. Lately I don't have reflections. All I know is how bad I am in everything. 

As I see my group is so active with supporters chatting with each other, I'm happy for them that they found each other. Coz I can't do much. I can't say much. I'm not an inspiration, I don't help them, I don't give them advices, I don't teach them anything. I just exist. I'm the cold person whom when I enter the room, everything feels gloomy, the vibe is so dull and no one knows what to say. Yes, you are who you think you are. All these negative thoughts instilled in my mind maybe have made me who I am. Who I feel I am.

And tbh, the above paragraph is not something that people want to read. 

I read a journey post from Fr*zo. He mentioned me, but at the end the post, I was not a big impact to his life. I'm a nobody. I only gave two sentences to make him feel appreciated and that was it. See, I don't affect people.

But Allahu, I should be thankful. I should see that, even that tiny effort, simple words of motivation, could make him feel even the slightest appreciated, is already a blessing. You should know that Allah sees, Allah knows. Even one person who is affected positively from you, even though the slightest, is a blessing, Erin.

I'm still struggling in talking and being witty on and off the screen because I'm just really bad at processing words. I don't know if I'll ever get there. But I'll try. 

I'm so ashamed when I read AA's love letter to her email Supporters whom she calls as 'Guardians'. She's so positive with the people that supported her. While I, question people why do people want to support me, my cause? What do they want more from me? I don't deserve them?

But AA, she is so positive, so thankful. Husband always tell me the same thing, I always tell myself the same thing, but the weak in me always tell negative things. Fighting your own demons is so mentally exhausting. That's why the happiness I see in the group keeps me going. Because it balance out my exhaustion with positive things and energy from them.

Which make me so guilty to them, because what could I offer? I do not engage much with them, but I'm happy that they interact with each other, alhamdulillah.

So I just don't know where this is going. All I wanted is a caption for my post *sobs*

Let's start with what I want to achieve.

- gain weight and maintain. Why? To have a healthy lifestyle, not feeling lethargic, to be able to serve more to the community, especially in this streaming industry.

- wake up in time for fajr!

- stream daily at 6:30AM

Other goals are actually pretty hard, like:

- to be able to speak fluently on and off screen, in English and Malay

- To visit family more

It's 5:47PM and I still can't get any caption in mind ARGH

6:41PM HAHAHAHHAHA ALMOST GIVING UP