#40

Right. I guess I'm no different than an evil person. I'm not kind. I'm not a good person. I have no empathy. I'm sorry. I'm always a burden.

It's always me who cause conflicts and destructions. I wish I'm gone so I don't hurt the people I love. 

Yes, I can't. Life must go on, and there is hereafter. 

I just really hate it when it happens. I just don't know what to do in this world. 

I'm irrelevant. How dare a friend says, you wish me raya, hence you're not irrelevant. Dude, that just means I'm irrelevant.

I'm glad people are starting to unlike me. I hope more people do. Until there's no one left. 

And I'm sorry if those who support me, read this. Because I just feel irrelevant. 

#39

 I wanted to share on my profile about these two posts.

Kosmo on E*SI Tournament for Ladies

MyGame*On on WR Tournament

but then I thought... what's the purpose and intention? I really wanna renew my intention on that, to inspire, but I'm afraid that it will eat me up inside, that it can take over me. So I let it pass, but save it as PDF for my memoir. Haha

Also I'm here because I wanna talk about something. About the conflict between Isr and Pales.tine. I know the basis but I just wanna know why they insist and still argue. 

It's like how I was searching for the answer about why Allah SWT even bother to create us all? I wasn't asking the purpose why we live, but why, The Most Greatest, want to create us? Yup. There's a story behind it, and alhamdulillah I accept it.

I mean, sorry for being curious, like pondering and reflecting ^^" 

So I pray that Allah increase us in knowledge.

#38

You see how I’m so worried everyday about being out there? I look at numbers and when it doesn’t hit a certain level, I’d be somehow down and affected by it. But then I really pray that I don’t and really trying hard not to care.

Maybe it’s the wish. Maybe it’s the quality of the photo. Maybe it’s just me already being irrelevant.

Whatever it is, dear Erin, syukr. Alhamdulillah. It’s a test in this dunya.

Focus on obtaining His redha and blessings.

#37

To have this realisation about hereafter and jihad, like really see it, almost to complete realisation, is a blessing. Like masyaaAllah. I've gained so many during Ramadhan when I thought I'm just the same person before.

Like what I saw a post on IG explore, what I can do in my control, is being a good person, a good Muslim, a good servant of Allah, and make lots of dua for our brothers and sisters. That is our jihad here, if going there physically is out of our control. And Allah sees our deeds even as big as zarah, a particle. 

And what I have, the things I see, ponder and reflect, most people don't see it, especially during this end of time (akhir zaman). I mean, there are a lot more that I don't know, but Allah grant me this realisation and I'm always sharing it with my husband. 

I am a sinner. I sin. But I have the realisation. So it scares me. But still you need to have faith in Allah.

The approach to the people in this era is just, be good to people, show goodness and kindness, pray that there are no ill thoughts and that we do this for the sake of Allah.

I've been feeling this way since I had to read the translations of Quran because I was in menstruation. I never did. Although I only read the surface, and not dive into deep on the bigger meaning of the stories in the Quran, I still get what basically it is trying to say. So I hope I am always reminded, always turning to Quran, as Quran is a reminder to us. I pray it's not just during Ramadhan, but until the end of dunya.

So it also scares me for my brothers and sisters, but I try, the least I can do, is just do good.

Actually, I am here, because I feel empty. Like I have nothing else to do, like I'm also scared for tomorrow to work, because streaming, putting myself out there is just something else. If it was Ramadhan, I'll be trying to read the Quran and its translations. I did some, but some stories are just too heavy that I have to stop ^^"

The other reason I'm here is because people are busy beraya. Video-calling each other (because of covid) or physically visiting each other. So here we don't have anything else to do. Because everyone has their own thing. Don't tell me do activities with your husband. Dude, we do everything together. 24/7. I NEED PEOPLE.

I feel guilty to reach out more to my girls because I don't feel I deserve their little time. So a wish would suffice I guess. 

You know what, since I'm here, let's talk about the blessings of today. 

Subhanallah. SO MANY. Although it only lasted from Subuh to 12pm, still, alhamdulillah.

- I woke up for Subuh! 
- Dua rakaat before Subuh
- I was able to do this because of my eagerness to really, really Solat Raya because from what I can remember, I only did twice in my lifetime. One was in Melbourne, two was in Perak. And I can't even remember the sweetness of those, or if I have ever felt that sweetness, if I have ever felt to appreciate Aidil Fitri.
- I learnt about Sunnah on Aidil Fitri, which alhamdulillah we have done most of it. It's sunnah to wish each other <3 <3 Subhanallah, how I have neglected that because I thought it's just another day~
- Another sunnah, eat before solat raya!
- Another, wearing new clothing.
- To be able to video call my in-laws
- WhatsApp video call with my parents <3 How they looked so happy that we did :') :'( <3
- Husband cooked mihun xD
- Sister in-law sent us laksa dan nasi goreng sedap!!!
- Makan nasi goreng for dinner and also teh tarik! Bless everyone who cooks for people from their heart <3

Welp. Alhamdulillah

#36

بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Honestly I've been so down with the numbers and statistics in this live streaming world on Facebook. The hint of being in stunted growth was there since July 2020. It's the worst today. But still alhamdulillah not back to how it was before December 2019. I should be more thankful.

Because now, people know us. But people refuse to watch us. I'm there on the right time, but not the right month. Mornings in Ramadhan. And maybe I'm not as semangat as I used to be in previous two or three months. Where is the loud Erin that people know? I mean, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm still that loud person but statistics tell otherwise.

Look at G. He's consistent. But subhanallah, I couldn't do some of what he does. It's against my faith and beliefs. Some things like teka-teki or giveaways, that can be taken into account again. 

And I don't know how A'an just said the right words at the right time without her knowing the context. Allah really knows. I didn't even pray to have someone to say something to me. I just felt so low. And Sara Nat*lia came into picture, that made me ask An about her instead of other persons. Which has lead to her just saying what she thinks, because of the things that I just casually wanted to share with her. 

It's because I have been feeling impatient lately. I do not blame menstruation. Nope. This feeling this time, is just so immense I could not handle it. I cried when I started reading the Quran today. Allahu, alhamdulillah for my husband who always prays me well, so that I'm granted sabr. 

And a friend who wishes the same for me. 

And maybe, this impatience radiates through my stream, the negativity in me, radiates, even it seems like people see good, but I don't feel so. I just want goodness for people.

And that's another thing.

Being an entertainer in live streaming. In Ramadhan. It seems as though at night, 12am+ is the best time (which is also a good time outside Ramadhan). But knowing that it's Ramadhan. Allahu. What more good you could do but to turn to Allah? 

Side note:

All the things I write here in blogs or in anywhere in private, I do it with a niat to tell Him. So that I can see the written words of my concerns in this world and my self being. It's not about complaining about life, telling the whole world. No, it's like journaling your thoughts, just like how some AA Champs do it. If by any chance anyone is benefited from these, then alhamdulillah. I hope these only bring you good and reflect.

So despite from me being impatient, the timing for me to live stream in Ramadhan is just not right. I don't like to disturb the night where you get closer to Allah, to do more ibadah, instead of watching me playing games or talking of some sort other than remembrance of Allah. I just want people to be reminded of Allah. 

Being in menstruation this year in Ramadhan is a blessing because I have never read translations of the Quran so focused. Like now alhamdulillah Allah has moved me to do so, when He knows that I could not bear doing tadarus with people. But still praying that my hard heart to be open to it. That's why I just make myself present without even hearing them because there is barakah even when you are present in an event like that. That's what Adli said, that's what Aida said.

So yeah. I pray we'll meet lailatul qadar. Amin.