#36

بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Honestly I've been so down with the numbers and statistics in this live streaming world on Facebook. The hint of being in stunted growth was there since July 2020. It's the worst today. But still alhamdulillah not back to how it was before December 2019. I should be more thankful.

Because now, people know us. But people refuse to watch us. I'm there on the right time, but not the right month. Mornings in Ramadhan. And maybe I'm not as semangat as I used to be in previous two or three months. Where is the loud Erin that people know? I mean, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm still that loud person but statistics tell otherwise.

Look at G. He's consistent. But subhanallah, I couldn't do some of what he does. It's against my faith and beliefs. Some things like teka-teki or giveaways, that can be taken into account again. 

And I don't know how A'an just said the right words at the right time without her knowing the context. Allah really knows. I didn't even pray to have someone to say something to me. I just felt so low. And Sara Nat*lia came into picture, that made me ask An about her instead of other persons. Which has lead to her just saying what she thinks, because of the things that I just casually wanted to share with her. 

It's because I have been feeling impatient lately. I do not blame menstruation. Nope. This feeling this time, is just so immense I could not handle it. I cried when I started reading the Quran today. Allahu, alhamdulillah for my husband who always prays me well, so that I'm granted sabr. 

And a friend who wishes the same for me. 

And maybe, this impatience radiates through my stream, the negativity in me, radiates, even it seems like people see good, but I don't feel so. I just want goodness for people.

And that's another thing.

Being an entertainer in live streaming. In Ramadhan. It seems as though at night, 12am+ is the best time (which is also a good time outside Ramadhan). But knowing that it's Ramadhan. Allahu. What more good you could do but to turn to Allah? 

Side note:

All the things I write here in blogs or in anywhere in private, I do it with a niat to tell Him. So that I can see the written words of my concerns in this world and my self being. It's not about complaining about life, telling the whole world. No, it's like journaling your thoughts, just like how some AA Champs do it. If by any chance anyone is benefited from these, then alhamdulillah. I hope these only bring you good and reflect.

So despite from me being impatient, the timing for me to live stream in Ramadhan is just not right. I don't like to disturb the night where you get closer to Allah, to do more ibadah, instead of watching me playing games or talking of some sort other than remembrance of Allah. I just want people to be reminded of Allah. 

Being in menstruation this year in Ramadhan is a blessing because I have never read translations of the Quran so focused. Like now alhamdulillah Allah has moved me to do so, when He knows that I could not bear doing tadarus with people. But still praying that my hard heart to be open to it. That's why I just make myself present without even hearing them because there is barakah even when you are present in an event like that. That's what Adli said, that's what Aida said.

So yeah. I pray we'll meet lailatul qadar. Amin.