#72

"dc dah berhabuk"

I've known that but when someone said it out loud, it hurts my feels so Imma delete that for me. 

Sigh I hate it 

#71

We have achieved everything that we wish for in this dunya, the worldly matters, that we have felt that we're already in a perfect condition, to the extent that... we just feel lost :( Allahu.

I mean, of course, I know. I even mention "dunya". Yes, we still lack of akhirah. With the time we have, the luxury of time. We should be doing more to seek His pleasure. 

How hard it is to take that one baby step.

I know I already took that one baby step. But I'm just at a stagnant stage now.

But then. I just wanna say... all these negative feelings I feel, is because I feel lost because of we're in a perfect condition. (Despite not having a kid yet).

Well, that's that.

#70

This. And another thing that has been running through my mind is about... community. 

I've known it from the start. But it gave a huge impact and pang of realisation when I saw how people are so into Discord to build a community and share things.

Like... I knew from the start, that I couldn't build a community, like other streamers, like AA too. What I strive to do when I first signed up, or even when I have wished so long ago since school, is to just be.

Be the best that I can be, a good example to people. Without me needing to say much... because I lack that, truth to be said. InsyaaAllah just by showing that, it affects people in a positive way. I'm not good with motivation words, words of wisdom, words of advise. I'm just... me.

If you wanna hang on discord, I wouldn't want to, because I wouldn't be comfortable with you. You are outside of my bubble. 

Unless, as usual, if there's a person whom I so comfortable with being there, and I just join in, and stay there without saying a thing. I'm that person. 

If I'm not yet comfortable with you, I only talk when there the two of us. But if I'm already comfy with you, I'd talk to you even when there are many people in the room. 

Sorry, but I like comfort zone. And subhanallah. If you're a comfort zone even when the first time we hang, you get that aura. 

I just need to convince myself that numbers don't matter. You post things not to impress people, but to have good in yourself. (example, IG stats)

I also need to convince myself that it's okay that I couldn't get a community, especially on discord. Because... that's just you. Things around you reflect of who you are. And that's what you wish anyway. But if some people are together because of Him, through me, then masyaaAllah.

#69

Yes, an introvert can thrive in anything. Doesn't mean you need to change to be an extrovert. 

Yes, maybe even though in a way that you still maintain your modesty, that you could still be out there and be more well-known and well-liked. 

But Allahu, I have been doing this for more than 2 years and... I have not improved so much on that part. Also, prior to this, 3 years of working in corporate world did not help.

So, what I'm saying here, that alhamdulillah, even though I could not be out there to be in big events like the allstar funmatch, alhamdulillah still.

We tend to forget the blessings and opportunities that we already had. Manusia mudah lupa. Bila dah dapat, tak bersyukur sepenuhnya, maka rasa sedikit tamak dan nak lagi lebih dari itu. Mula lah rasa kecewa. Mula lah rasa I'm not good enough. 

The blessings that I'm talking about here is that, we actually had the chance to experience to be in such show even though it was a bad experience. 

Just in one year, from zero, from a nobody, not even a pro-player, not even an instafamous, to become a somebody out there. And to take into account that me, being an introvert, difficult to mingle around, has become somebody out there. Even when I don't say much, even when I don't share much, even when I don't motivate or inspire much. Because Allahu, that's what I think I can do best, to show good manners even though I'm not peramah. 

Coz dude, I'm not good with small talks and a crowd, even with my real friends. But I'm always chatty when it's just the two of us. I mean like, if you're judging, it's just only you who's judging. There's no third person. So yea. Thank you for anyone who bear with my awkwardness xD

And to be fair, they have been around out there longer than I do. They are active out there. People already know them, so it's fair that they have more reach and engagement. While I have only been here for more than 2 years. 

So.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.