#26

Yesterday I thought to myself. In the bathroom. 

What legacy do you want to leave in this world? What do you want to leave behind in this world? What do you want to be remembered about? 

(Something like that, sorry my English has gone down the drain). 

So I thought, nothing. I’ve always want to be remembered in nothing. I hope no one remembers me, but Allah and His Beloved SAW. 

But then, I thought again… A legacy I want people to know, or remember, is this blog and my written diaries. I may not have expressed everything here and there. But I guess they are gems to me, so dear to me. It is me. My own being, bared here and there. 

Maybe this crossed my mind because of simplysajida’s writing, saying that she would do annotations on the books she has read so that when she leaves this world, her kids would be able to read it and know their mother better. 

So yeah maybe I have the same thought about my blog and my diaries. 

But it’s for the people I dear most. My friends and family, kids soon amin. 

But maybe especially for my sister. 

#25

I’ve looked upon sweet moments and texts from my lovelies or between us, and I’ve decided to just let go of every thing they have done that make me terasa. I don’t even know the story so let’s be husnuzon insyaaAllah <3

#24

 Make me love for the sake of Allah SWT 

#23

Okay so I've learned backbiting (mengumpat) has its requirements.

If you don't mention who, then it's not mengumpat. And your intention is just sharing and just to show lessons to be learnt, then it's not mengumpat. Wallahu a'lam. 

I've been talking about some brands here on my blogger. Is talking bad about a brand counted as mengumpat? Is not that my feedback? Am I being defensive on a sin? I don't know.

So here I want to tell you about a streamer on fisbuk. 

How upset I am of her approach. SO upset. I wouldn't mind if she asks with structure. Tolong memang boleh tolong, but YOUR MANNERS.

Like, dude, MANNERS MAKETH MAN.

I asked Ha if I should say something to my supporters only, or say something to her. But he said just let her be. What I think is, on our side, kita takde kaitan apa-apa pun. Walaupun dia pergi blast kat semua nombor dalam group tu, which is related to me. Sigh.

Nasib ada supporter yang faham. Bukan pasal tak mampu dan tak nak tolong, tapi cara dia tu. 

Dia rerjah camtu je kat semua orang. Takde perkenalkan diri, page apa, link page dia. 

Saya perkenalkan diri kat streamer lain pun, elok-elok. Bagi salam. Cakap hi. Kenalkan diri siapa nama. Siap dengan link page. Sama la dengan beberapa streamer yang buat camtu, beretika.

Ini tak. Takde etiquette. Sedih. Upset. Disappointed. As a human being a person, moreover a streamer, patut tahu lah nak deal dengan orang, perkenalkan diri elok-elok. 

Cakap la awak dapat nombor dari mana? Dari supporter group WhatsApp EKG.

Dapat nombor dari mana. Saya ni siapa. Page link saya apa. 

Saya sendiri baca ayat dia bagi kat semua orang, saya fikir saya kena scam. 

Nak kenalkan diri tu bukan sahaja nama, tapi juga berserta dengan page link supaya orang tak ingat awak tu scam. I think she lacks of EMPATHY. Dia tak fikir dulu, kalau dia text camtu kat strangers, apa impact dia, apa orang tu akan rasa, dengan wordings dia guna, dengan cara dia type.... Apa yang saya nampak kat sini? Dia kalut. Fikir duit je. Tak fikir perasaan orang, tak fikir privasi orang. Terus terjah buat satu perenggan camtu, terus blast. 

Dulu ada jugak streamer lain yang minta bantuan jadi supporter tapi dia structured dan hormat privasi orang. Siap minta izin kat saya untuk post dalam group ni pasal jadi supporter dia. Erin okay je. Tolong je. Tapi cara dia, buat saya rasa terkilan. Macam tak nak fikir panjang, tahu nak duit duit duit. Sigh.

ANA SOIMUNNN ANA SOIMUN ANA SOIMUN. Ya Allah, Engkaulah pemegang pemilik hati ini. Please please please mend my heart and show me tell me what to do because I feel so angry and upset with this person. Kalau libatkan saya sorang je takpe (macam streamers lain, ada yang tak ada manners gak). Tapi ni melibatkan orang-orang yang mengenali saya. MALU. 

Saya masih tak tahu nak tegur dia ke tak. Sebagai rakan sekerja? Sigh.

Dah la mengaku 'sy kwn kar*a'. Like DUDE?!?!?!? IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND, YOU'D SAY, 'Saya kawan erin'. I LEGIT TOLD YOU MY NAME IN OUR CHAT. NAMA PANGGILAN SAYA. UGH -.- Even if I did not tell you my nickname that my FRIENDS call me, you should have the decency to RESEARCH so that you can approach people in a better manner. WHAT ASJDFHSAKDJFHKSAJD I just can't. 

Memang saya pun ada meminta dengan supporters sendiri. Tapi dengan cara yang elok la. Bukan terjah camtu. Ya Allah T_T 

Tak nak pulak pergi ke supporters streamer lain yang besar-besar untuk buat macam tu. Hai, saya kawan soloz. Minta tolong. Tak nak pulak?

I am so taken advantage of this :( 

#22

What / who was the first thing / person who brought you closer to Islam?

I can’t remember actually but I think being in MRSM was the first baby step for me to be closer to Islam. WAIT. NO. 

I was thinking, it’s actually arwah Cik Idah. But then no. She’s actually the influence or catalyst for me to change along the way after MRSM, because of the du’as, Quran recitations and IKIM FM. But I was jahil at the time. 

So it started with MRSM. Surrounded by people who were learning Tasawwuf. masyaAllah. I was leaning towards BADAR but failed 😂 because of them, I change my way of clothing. 

From tudung pendek to a more labuh tudung although tak labuh gila. Biasa je tapi tak singkat. 

From malas Handsocks to rasa wajib Handsocks. 

But socks are always there. Sampai UiTM. 

Then kat anugerah kat Dewan Maluri yang ada Syawalina, she asked me rajinnya pakai Handsocks. Wajib ke pakai? 

Me: eh takla, dah terbiasa. 

At that time I thought is she really asking that kind of question? And that kind of tone? From a girl who is statistically clever than me? It’s aurat… but even then I did not respond in anger. I understood.  

Then in UiTM I remember that my clothing wasn’t perfect. Ada baju ketat sikit kadang nampak side boobs even though “labuh”, ada nampak bontot, ada tudung jarang, ada yang nampak wrist. 

Then MAYBE after becoming closer to Hannan that I bought and wear clothes which are more loose. By then I was exposed more to social media on how to wear proper modest clothes. And what poses are appropriate so tak mengundang fitnah. 

I remember because I was around a lot at home, suka pakai socks, mak pun ikut sekali. Mula-mula socks nipis, pastu lama-lama socks biasa, tak perlu tebal. She even loved it when I gave away my H&M socks ♥️ I didn’t offer because before that selama tu, I knew that mom wouldn’t want it. But then eventually she did. Lagi lagi bila Cik Ta always promote her fashion to her sisters. 

To my situation, wearing modestly makes me one step closer to Him, although I remember that I was always horny masa UiTM. I ain’t perfect. 

I just remembered some people in MRSM. Cikgu English form 5, Ustazah muda, Attira yang suka pakai Handsocks. And kat sana memang suasana yang mengingatkan tentang Allah. 

Pastu 1-2 tahun nak habis kat UiTM, memang dah menutup elok. Alhamdulillah. Sampai sekarang. 

The next thing, AA Tuesday Love Letters and AA Plus tahun 2018 selepas dah habis masalah tu… 

I know I have so many sins, and there’s this particular big one that I have yet to overcome… it’s hard and that’s why I try to multiply my other good deeds especially aurat. In hopes and prayers that while doing other good deeds, I could eventually overcome that sin. Allahu. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. 

#21

You know how easily I compare myself and look down on myself? Sigh.  

I need to realise that I’ve chosen this. I’m not a content creator nor an influencer. I don’t create motivational posts. I don’t create tips and tricks. I don’t suggest stuff. I don’t follow the fashion trend nor content making trends especially TikTok. 

I do write but for myself. To be honest, my words are so soothing, to myself. They’re even witty sometimes. And it is  shown and proved from my tweets back then and even my blog now. Just that I don’t think it’s suited to be published out there even when I know the words aren’t wrong i.e. they’re not memesongkan. 

I just be. 

A good photo, a good pose, some message, some of my favourite colours and clothes style that I like. And I hate fashion trend. So I need to bear with it. 

I  don’t have to wear trendy things for people to like my photos. I don’t have to write motivational quotes. I just be. 

I don’t have to think what kind of post would make the post have high engagement. Because the goal of each post is that I, just, be.

Good characteristic, good manners. 

The least I can do for dakwah. 

Be strong dear Erin. Fight the demons in you. 

#20

Today's challenge is no social media day. Errr I think that's not gonna happen haha

Night challenge is, "What is the best gift anyone has ever given you?"

Tbh, I can't remember. It's hard to recall... but I guess it's dua's, the prayers, the supplications, kind gestures, kind words. I couldn't say material things as a best gift. It doesn't fit the mold, doesn't feel right, coz in the end those items only give temporary joy.