#31

I look at how people are posting updates about their lives to public, or at least their friends. I smile, and feel happy at how they make themselves happy. Because truly happiness is a choice. 

To dwell on the past or to live in the present.

To worry on the future or to make the present worthwhile. 

One week. Or rather two weeks. I have been sleeping late at around 4am and waking up at around 3pm. That phase comes again. When I have nothing to do. 

I'm sorry my dear husband.

I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad.

I'm jealous. Jealous at my nieces. How they can spend time with my parents. 

I promised myself to fix my sleeping pattern. By finding something to do. What can I even do despite streaming? I can write. I can journal. There are so many things. So many things that have happened that I couldn't actually stop and reflect. I do it but only in my mind, random times, before sleep, in the shower. Sigh. 

And he's just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for me to make the move.

Am I destroying myself? Am I destroying him? 

There are so many people I want to tell these things. My cousin Lina, my sister-in-law Kak Ya, and actually my mom.

This guilt has made me become stunted. Locked in place. I don't talk to mom anymore. She cannot worry about me. 

All this. Because I couldn't love my husband. Do I even try? He loves me so much. What do I do in return?