#18

Dude lemme tell you something... or many things.

I don't have plans for today. Saturday. Weekend. Except for waiting for my praying garments to arrive in the afternoon. 2 and 4 hours left.

Also, waiting for a sponsor to give details so that I can proceed to produce some videos for them. Ya Allah, please please please have them send to me today because I wanna have time to make them.

I'm not good at doing reviews, but I'll do my best. Not just because I want the money, but it's experience, and for myself. For my betterment, really. 

So since I don't have anything to do, I was planning to just sit down in front of the PC, and write something. NOT mindlessly scrolling on IG or FB to stumble upon anything so that I continue endless scrolling. No, please no.

So yeah, here I am.

I know I feel kinda empty not having to live stream. Like I don't have anything to do, ya'kno. That's what I wrote earlier. But then I know I don't wanna live stream, I know I'd dread to live stream. Because I don't have the obligation to do so. And live streaming is actually an after party. 

I kinda have some things happening since I started live stream only once a week. So an after party of live stream would be great. Just not a 'Hanging Out' live stream... not yet. 

I don't know if I'm still good at ML anyway.

What I do know is that I miss live streaming in the morning and reciting du'a for people. I don't know how that makes me feel good. Is making du'as like food to your soul? Subhanallah. 

Maybe because missing it, that I can wake up every morning for Subuh and not sleep afterwards. Because right now? I didn't get enough sleep. I just don't know what makes me want to stay awake. 

Is it to embrace the moment, cherish the time, spend it well? I don't know.

I don't like to see live streams of other streamers. Just like how I don't like to see updates of the people I follow on IG, especially those who are not related by blood. Because I think I'd start to compare. And I guess comparing means you're not being grateful. Whenever I decide to click on my friends' or other streamers' updates, I tell myself beforehand, to stay positive and pray for them, that it's their rezq. It's a constant battle to betterment myself. It's an exercise that I need to do. And that's okay.

So it's an exercise? Life is about process. I was thinking, while I clean the kitchen, that I wish everyone knows how to clean so that I do not have to clean it EVERYDAY. Like every time I see it so dirty, I feel SO angry and sigh heavily. 

But Allahu, that's the beauty of these people existing in your life. So you can go through this process every single day. Testing your patience, testing your sincerity, testing your perseverance, and many other things. So that when you face other music, you have it altogether, or maybe you don't, but it would feel similar, and it is engrained in you that you respond in a certain way, because you have been there even though in a different situation. 

What I'm saying here is that every time I have to clean the kitchen after someone make a mess, I do zikr. Or actually istighfar. I think I prefer istighfar over everything even selawat. Kinda bad but that's what I feel. Because I feel so angry like why do people don't know how to clean up?!?!?!?!??! asjdhfjaksldhfjkalsd and all the angry feels. So that's why I prefer istighfar. You know, I'd like to think, even if you don't actually selawat in your mind, but you do think about Rasulullah SAW and Allah SWT, that this also counts. Because as everytime I do istighfar, all the good things running through my mind. Subhanallah. 

And you know, Allah is the one who moves your heart, your mind to think and feel about things. Especially the good things. (I really don't know about negative things because isn't yang buruk itu datang dari diri sendiri, yang baik itu datang dari Allah? Wallahu'alam). 

What I'm saying here about this is that, there are so many things Allah have blessed me to do move my heart to do good. Also I was reading again AA Love Letters about this. And more so, that for example, you thought about reading the Quran, just thinking about it, but still feel lazy? You fight against that laziness, and go for it. And more good things will fall through, Allah will bring more goodness to it. Subhanallah. 

Sorry I got distracted. I was scrolling FB and a post caught my attention. It's something about children learn by modelling. True indeed. And that reminds me of another post on previous day I found it, that it says something like a wife follows what her husband does. Just like kids. It's true, so true. If you don't follow even the littlest things your husband does, then, subhanallah you're a strong woman. 

Because, dude, I... can't help but follow this bad trait, which is cussing. I guess. It doesn't feel good cussing. I mean, yes, it does. But tranquility beats it, yakno? Meaning here, it'd be better if I just istighfar instead of cuss. But maybe also, that this requires both parties to improve each other. It takes two to tango. 

I have so many things to say, huh? But it's all not one topic. All jumbled up. This is how my thought process during live stream if I wanna share things during the live in the morning. Can you tell what kind of person I am? xD

It's 10:57AM now. 

I realise that I was tired doing live especially because I talk too much. It drains me out. I don't know if it's the introvert thing, but really, it was just one day on Wednesday, and I'm done for the week. Alhamdulillah KOL don't have any more task xD I miss to do live, but still I'm glad I don't have to. Once a week is good. It's like episode or drama series. Once a week. Wow! That's a good idea. 

Because you know, after all this thought process writing, I don't feel tired. Yes I'm sleepy, but not tired. Because actually talking versus writing are so different.

I thought of just do a hanging out live stream with supporters but then it'd be just the same with talking. I'd still feel tired even though talking to only supporters. 

The dream of not having to play ML everyday for 120 hours finally came true. But what do I do now?  

I'm sorry I can't be good in ML anymore. I'm so dependent on Ha's gameplay now. Sigh. I'm sorry.