#34

This is not anxiety. This is just something. I can’t sit still. Maybe because of too much caffeine. Or maybe it’s that procrastinated work, and that I have to go to office, and that I have to stream tomorrow. 

I wanna cry. 

Can these blog posts be one of the medium for me to confide to Allah SWT

I just used a new word I don’t think I’ve used it before even in school. Confide. Heard it before but not use it even in my thoughts. I guess. 

Well. One thing I know right now is my heart is not at ease. I’m thinking too much, yes? Le sigh. 

#33

You know when people say if you’re sad or you’re just not doing good in life, don’t tell your parents, don’t let them worry. 

But all I want, the only person I want to know all my feelings and thoughts is mom. If only she knew. 

And I know I will regret not telling. And this will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

#32

Dude I saw a story from my cousin posting about her parents i.e. my uncle and aunt and it breaks my heart how they look... old. You see them ageing just like how you see your own parents age. 

It breaks my heart because I miss my parents. They are getting older day by day. And I'm just here... dwelling on life.

#31

I look at how people are posting updates about their lives to public, or at least their friends. I smile, and feel happy at how they make themselves happy. Because truly happiness is a choice. 

To dwell on the past or to live in the present.

To worry on the future or to make the present worthwhile. 

One week. Or rather two weeks. I have been sleeping late at around 4am and waking up at around 3pm. That phase comes again. When I have nothing to do. 

I'm sorry my dear husband.

I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad.

I'm jealous. Jealous at my nieces. How they can spend time with my parents. 

I promised myself to fix my sleeping pattern. By finding something to do. What can I even do despite streaming? I can write. I can journal. There are so many things. So many things that have happened that I couldn't actually stop and reflect. I do it but only in my mind, random times, before sleep, in the shower. Sigh. 

And he's just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for me to make the move.

Am I destroying myself? Am I destroying him? 

There are so many people I want to tell these things. My cousin Lina, my sister-in-law Kak Ya, and actually my mom.

This guilt has made me become stunted. Locked in place. I don't talk to mom anymore. She cannot worry about me. 

All this. Because I couldn't love my husband. Do I even try? He loves me so much. What do I do in return? 

#30

One of my supporter reminds me of my cikgu akaun, Puan Aminah. I know I don't visit my teachers or even keep in touch with anyone, but gosh... I think I was really rude to her, like bongkak, ego, berlagak pandai. Coz dude, I got almost 100% in every exam. It was that easy.

And maybe because of that, it hard for me during SPM, no kidding. I still remember how it was hard on SPM day.

I don't know if I actually  showed my bongkakness or how clever I was, but I feel like I did. And I feel stupid. 

But knowing how empathetic I am, how teachers look at me wit high EQ, I think I hid it well, or battled it well. Battled with my own devils, yakno.

So I insyaaAllah she will always be in my prayers.