#49

 I just thought about pet peeves and reminded me of Mad.

Some of our pet peeves are similar.

For now I could think of:

- Really bad unalligned teeth
- Bad grammar, like even the simplest example, 'you depends on someone'. Dude, no D':

So yup haha

#48

 Oh Allah, please keep me steadfast in thanking You for everything that has happened in my life. 

Everything that people praised me for, is because of You. MasyaaAllah.

I can't sit still right now because of the praises and notifications coming in. There will be challenges in the future, or people who don't like you in secret. So just pray for the best. Remember Allah. 

I'm about to write thank you letter for supporters now. Just a short wish to be sent on WhatsApp.

Also, yesterday's AA email on 17th June 2021, Aida said,

Whenever I need to "offload" certain emotions that are overwhelming me, I'll either write it out or talk it out with Allah SWT on the prayer mat through a Dua. As we go on with our day to day, we will pick up or develop certain feelings that we can't quite explain what it is, and I think sharing it with Allah SWT really helps process it all.

So MasyaaAllah. it's the same. We journalise our du'a. 

Update. 

Tbh I’m so overwhelmed by the comments coming in rn. It’ll die down eventually. Just like any other photos I’ve been posting. But... I need to chill and learn to chill. 

Sigh 😔 

#47

Bila call ayah masa sedar, ayah cakap sempurnakan kerja disana kerana Allah. Hidup ini satu perjuangan.

— Ebit Lew

I loooove his dad's advices. I never (or forgotten about) Dad's advices. Because I seldom call him. I miss Ayah. Why am I not calling Ayah -.-

#46

I’ve come to a conclusion on how people would feel in general when they see me playing ML. 

I can safely say that it’d be the same as how I’d feel when I am beside Ha when he’s playing games while I’m doing something else. When he gets mad or frustrated or just negative feelings over the game, I’d feel the negative vibes. In a way he’s emitting negative vibes.

That’s where it’s bad for viewers. If I show that how Ha did to my surrounding, then my stream wouldn’t be as fun. 

So what I need to do? Be happy. 

#45

Dude. If I’m not happy then how do I entertain people. I mean it’s achievable but inside I just don’t feel good. I want to feel at least peace before I try to stream. 

Please Erin, never go out there not putting the best smile you can give. Think of the people out there. Think of Allah SWT. 

I felt low today. I felt lower when I see others are improving in their own way but I know it would be the way that I would not follow. 

I’m not good at words as a “motivator” but I try to convey it the best way that I can, taking into consideration of different perspectives. 

I was angry at Ha because he’s happy while I couldn’t be happy when I’m with him. But then I pujuk myself, alhamdulillah that he’s happy, that I should be happy that he’s happy. So you’ll just need to find your own solace. And it’s okay. 

It was indeed a misunderstanding. And I’m glad I pujuk myself before I got angrier. 

Anger and patience are my problems now. Ya Allah please grant me patience and realisation that you love those who are sabr.

#44

Subhanallah. AA's email today got me feel soooo masyaaAllah.

One, it's about AA suggesting us to journal our week, or just telling Allah SWT about it. And yes, last night, I did just that! Journaling with the intention to tell Allah. Because I kinda dislike to just say it without writing it down. Writing things down make things seem clearer to myself insyaaAllah.

Second, it's about a du'a for people who make dua's in secret for you. Like masyaaAllah :') I've been struggling thinking what can I do for people who secretly do something for me. Like who else knows and who else can reward them? Allah. May Allah reward them in abundance. Amin. 

#43

 So many things to reflect today.

I was distracted with work, I should have stopped and reflected instead. Sorry, dear Erin.

One of it was the most recent, that I got to attend tadarus today, but I didn't recite, just went for the reflection xD Sorry though I really honestly love reflection at this point because Astaghfirullahalzim, I couldn't make myself to read the Quran today. So yeah. I was listening to the reflection while I was browsing Facebook anyway. May Allah still reward me for my efforts ><

But yea I got to learn there are a few girls who are working as external and internal auditors, and also now an ex. And being an ex, having more time for yourself, i.e. joining AA Plus alhamdulillah.

Earlier, I didn't listen to a reflection that was going on, but suddenly Aida was giving like a quiz and I like to interact and bacot so she was asking from 1 to 10, what is your patience level. I answered 3. Beacuse Allahu, I've been impatient since Ramadhan. Allahu Akbar. Can't deny that it must be something that I want in this dunya that I couldn't get... Always pray for patience, for sabr.

The next one is when my favourite streamer, ga*ba said thank you to me, saying, "Terima kasih Erinnn. Mesti Erin tak tahu apa Erin buat kan tapi terima kasihh." Something like that and she left me in wonder. Like, subhanallah, whatever that I have helped... alhamdulillah, it's from Allah. 

Then another streamer, idk who he is but he was on my explore or maybe shared by a friend so it appeared on my timeline, that, he was happy when I stopped by. Dude, I like to make people happy and smileeeeee <3 The joy in them makes me feel happy too alhamdulillah masyaaAllah.

Then today's ranking session during live stream alhamdulillah it was good. I learnt while I stream and that's good. Met Mal*i (Ziq) in same team, then Tom*n and Ach*ai as opponent. And the fact that how Ach*ai kinda underestimated me being in low rank, lower than MG 600 points xD because he's 1k points while T is 700ish. Like dude, can't I be high ranking? Haha. Also he was like, popol ni tak kacau, yang kacaunya Beatr*ix. Like dude, I jaga my carry baik punya, buka-buka map, stun, amek orang belakang, poke, so that my Beatr only died once. See, people don't look at tank's sacrifice. Haha

Oh and then after the game with Mal*i, he stopped by me stream and said "Hi Estes" :3 So another friend checked!

I'm so overwhelmed by everything alhamdulillah.

I got takoyaki today. I got to finish tomyam today. I got a streamer's merch!

Also, thanks to my beloved VIPs that they respond positively on the lanyard designs. 

Okay time to hit the sack.

And I don't know from where, but my mind goes back to my parents. I pray you both are in the pink, always <3

#42

I actually have another concern today. 

I think that people see me as a low knowledge person. Like, I don't have input on many things. If I do, I don't show it, I don't post it, on my photo captions, or on my IG stories. 

Like dude, you see me here, talking about everything and yet what I say on my business IG or FB is only that. 

Sometimes I talk about things during live stream, but I don't fully discuss it, only talk about it on the surface. 

Because, what actually do we want to achieve?

Spreading good.
Tak borak kosong.
Tak sampaikan benda tak pasti.

In the end, I couldn't speak entirely freely. I do speak freely, and I know how to. Like, I will say it's my opinion and also I would know that it's logic and not cause any racism or whatever negative things. 

#41

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

So watching how Kim RS*'s CCV has risen up got me in the feels to be honest. Coz they won the season, there's a mic check where he was the funniest, he's playing some surah or qaseedah as background music (good for him, he seems to be prone to that since he always share posts about the deen), and lately for a few months or days he has constantly streamd after Subuh like what I have done.

His views skyrocketed. Rezeki dia. Rezeki awal pagi lepas subuh. Tapi rasanya dia dah live sebelum subuh lagi.

Also, if not about all those struggles and work mentioned above, it's his rezq. 

Seeing this, if even I was announced as one of them as a content creator, I won't put my hopes too high.

This thing was lingering in my mind last night. Like I couldn't sleep because of it. 

It's already hard to meet the watch minutes required. So to get that partnership for the next year? I pray so. If that's the best for us, ya Allah, ya Muhaimin. To be honest I only started doing things for myself just this year. No more depending on our friend or even the significant other. Only depend on Allah, but seek for help and advice.

At the end of the day, it's you who need to go through it. 

So what I'm telling myself is, you need to chill, do your best. Don't neglect your responsibility for W*VS. 

I know I have a whole lot potential that I haven't shown or nurture or hone to get that popularity. A good kind of popularity. Just to spread good. In the end I just wanna help people. 

It felt so bad in August 2020, but May 2021 is the worst. We might go worst than this but only Allah knows best. Again, I just need to move forward and give my best to serve the community. Like Adli said, this is good for the community.

And like speakpureislam said, we need to talk to ourselves out of something or into something. 

That's what I always do. To convince yourself not to do or do.

May Allah guide us on the right path.