#52

I like to think the worst of what people can be, and I know the worst that people can think about women/men, even when they are fully covered #shrugs people who play victim need to rethink their defences. 

#51

I will ALWAYS wonder if she thinks of me. I mean I know she has family and kids. But you know… as a distant sibling, I still crave that sisterly love 

#50

Yes, train yourself to be happy for people when they post happy things. But it’s so toxic for me. I’ll just mute everyone for the better of my own mental health & train myself, battle in silence ❤️‍🩹

#49

A comment on struggles of lgbtq+. It said something like nak anak, tapi takut tak adil dekat pasangan sebab takde nafsu dekat dia. And that’s why Allah SWT comes into the picture. 

You may marry that person, you have children with that person, but you don’t love them, you don’t have lust for them, you still struggle with your perasaan songsang. But it’s the acceptance by your spouse and your own, that even if you don’t love him/her, you love Allah, you do it because of your love for Allah and that’s what makes you move forward even if it hurts yourself because you can’t experience “real love”. Real love is the love for Allah, to obtain his Redha and Blessings. Knowing you struggle to fight the feelings, knowing that Allah is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim, that He sees and knows your every struggle. I mean I’ve seen and heard about this story. And it’s beautiful, when you put Allah first. 

It’s easy to say and talk about it. But it’s hard to implement it to my own. Le sigh. 

#48

Personally for me for my situation, suicidal thoughts are normal. It’s not a sign of depression. I would say to myself that alasan je tu nak kata diri sendiri depressed. I guess so. I never been to a therapy but I don’t think I’m depressed. I go about life as usual. Whenever suicidal thoughts cross my mind, I still think of Allah, my sins, wanting to do repentance, the fact that I haven’t actually do the repentance. 

It’s easy to say and talk about it. But it’s hard to implement it to my own. Le sigh. 

#47

Dude I miss mom. It’s rare to see her smile with teeth showing in photos. And when she does, it’s just so beautiful. She must be really content ♥️ but here I am feeling hopeless ❤️‍🩹

#46

Unnecessary things I do but it makes my texting experience smoother:

Memorising the placements of emotes 🫠 

#45

Me bila sambil drive, cari dan nak pilih kedai makan yang best: 

 - Hm kedai ni macam tak meriah je sikit je orang 

*teruskan judge scan satu kedai dari jauh*

 - Eh tapi ada akak cantik!! (yang jaga kedai tu) 

 - Boleh lah try makan sini

😌 

#44

Munton asks for simple streamer data and numbers. While I go extra miles to provide them many things 😂 I guess the accountant in me can’t be tamed. Habits die hard. 

#43

I’ve watched people’s live stream on TT. Lately more to chatting rather than games. And I find myself comparing still. 

I thought I would just compare if it’s an ML live but no. I also compare myself if the person is doing chatting live. 

I realise I don’t know how to make small talks, how to make myself interesting, that I’m not an interesting person to talk to. 

Only one person that I know who would listen to me babble even when I’m not funny—my husband. Not just because I’m his wife but as a person. 

Well you know what? Other than my mom and my close friends if we got the chance to have that time together 🤍

So I’m worried that I’m not interesting to people, that I don’t know what to talk about, that my tone is monotonous, or that I don’t speak clearly. That every time I live, I try to make people like me, try to entertain people, by not being myself?

I’ve been through this pep talk with myself, that just be yourself. But suddenly I’m overwhelmed by the comparison I made on myself. I couldn’t handle to fight it for now and that’s why I’m here. 

The world is temporary, just obey Allah. It’s so easy yet we make it so difficult to live in it. Sigh. 

#42

Suicidal thoughts are so easy to come by. I am useless in this house. I am unable to bear a child. I ignore my family. I ignore my extended family. I’m not doing good with the company I’m working with. I’m not handling the ‘fame’ well. I abandon my friends. 

Actually for everything above, it’s because I am unable to be a good wife. 

* * *

The writing was paused for a while. 

But now I have a lil bit of time to write. I remember a video on TT saying you can count all the bad things happened or happening in your life but Wallahi you cannot begin to count all the blessings Allah has given you because it is countless. 

#41

It’s tiring watching people easily expose themselves and me feeling angry and hatred towards what they do. 

So in the end, anywhere on the internet and social media, be it IG, TT, FB, I just block them. I don’t want them to appear on my explore or FYP. It’s exhausting.

#40

I realise it’s hard for me to do hablum minannas. I’ve become this person who doesn’t want to care about anyone else other than my husband, my parents, parents in-law. (I was always that way but this time the vision is the most clearest).

Even if you look at sunnah, he SAW had companions. But here I choose not to. I do think about them but I do not want to care. I can’t have being an “introvert” as a reason behind that, yes. 

But to be honest I do think about my close friends and my in-laws and my siblings. Always. 

Just that it hurts. So I’m just gonna come back whenever I want and be gone whenever I want. No hard feelings. And I promise I won’t have any hard feelings if the same happens to me unless it’s from those 5 persons I mentioned. 

You see, when I say close friends or best friends, I don’t mind if we do not have mutual feelings on that. Coz to me, they are whom I feel to myself. And that’s what matters to me now. 

#39

I was asked, “Erin dah siap ke?” for an engagement ceremony, when I was wearing this high-side-slits long-sleeved dress, moss crepe material, with a frikin matching coloured cargo pants, and a printed leopard pashmina. 

Sigh I didn’t have my full ootd picture. But that’s what I was wearing. 

So here I was kinda judged BUT I don’t blame her, I don’t hate her or dislike her for that. She’s just curious. And if she did judge, it’s the stereotype thinking that I blame. The norm that society brainwash you. Y’kno what I mean

So yeah. Reminds me of my outfit during my best friend’s sister’s wedding too. What more a wedding! Lol.

But still I liked my outfit coz cargo pants was so useful, I could keep my friend’s stuff like tissues, mobile phone and what nots. 

And dude I also wore loafers! Hah! What an outfit. Defo won’t be praised by women as omg cantiknyaaaaaaaaa HAHA and I’m glad that I won’t get those. I know my ego wants it but it’s good that I don’t. 

#38

I like conspiracy theories. It’s fun to think of mysteries. 

#37

Whenever I have conversations, I don’t know how to make it relate to just logic or morale; I just can’t help it but relate it to Allah SWT, to Islam. Idk. Maybe coz it’s the way of life. So it’s like I could be boring to most people because this is the only way that I talk.

By the way it’s already nearing September and I only have 37 entries. Wow. TikTok really made me forget to do reflections - muhasabah diri. Hm

#36

“Saya jual the vamp je bukan buat maksiat.”

Lepas tu video menari. Allahu sister. Sedih tengok. Memang Hidayah itu milik Allah. Dan sesungguhnya maksiat itu luas maksudnya. 

#35

3 July 2022 at 5:35 PM

I’m gonna talk about this later. 

Okay I’ve so many points in my head and ice talked to Ha about it, idk if I could remember them all now xD

Anyway. Point dia last sekali tu macam invalid. 

Lain kali tanya seller dulu sebelum rating. 

Even you already tell me everything about it, it won’t change my decision. I still don’t like the candies. 

I would change what I write though, like, additional of “seller told this and this but still I don’t like it, it’s my personal taste. So the rating is only 1 star. And the fact that you as a seller a businessman responding like this, Seller service is also 1 star.”

Pastu takde mitigation proses ke? Kenapa seller tak bagitahu awal-awal cara nak bagi candy tu tak liat. Dah tahu orang pernah cakap liat kan? Takde tulis kat description sale item? Adakah cara tu boleh ubah candy tu jadi sedap?

Kalau ada pun, kenapa saya nak susah susah nak go through proses of bagi candy tu tak liat, sedangkan kat luar sana ada candy yang SEDIA ADA lagi sedap dari yang ni.

“Kami tak nak customer terima barang dalam keadaan cair sebab tu dia liat.” 

Dah satu minggu lebih dapat candy ni, kenapa masih liat? Rasa masih sama, takde rasa sangat? Keadaan candy tu masih tebal. 

“Produk dari Turkey”

Jadinya maksudnya produk tu tak sesuai la dengan taste saya. Dah produk dari Turkey. Awak bagitahu saya pun, sama jugak saya bagi rating 1 star sebab memang says tak suka candy tu. 

Dah la BM nak type berterabur. Nampak sangat ikut kan emosi tu.  Memang nak elak max characters tapi???? Boleh reply panjang la sebenarnya. 

Sebab liat adalah kerana–

Liat sebab produk–

Pastu signs short form. Pastu takde koma, pastu tanda noktah pun jarak. Tulis dengan emosi eh. 

Dah la pergi wasep pastu cakap nak refund 50%. Bukan sahaja refund 50% je, dia minta lagi tukar rating jadi tinggi. 

Satu, refund 50% je. Orang lagi-lagi bab makanan ni refund 100%. Dah saya tak boleh makan candy tu, tak sedap bagi saya. Macam tak ikhlas nak jual barang. *dah lupa point apa yang strong kat sini tapi ni la dia setakat ni. 

Dua, minta tukar rating. Tak nak????? Awak suruh saya tipu orang yang candy ni best?????? Bagi saya tak best, kenapa nak bagitahu kat orang yang candy ni best? Tak boleh terima kritikan ke. Manja sangat. Saya pun bagitahu terima kasih seller sebab free gift, 5 stars untuk sellers service tapi bila dia cakap camni, terus 1 star. Rating overall yang orang nampak adalah tentang item yang dijual. Jadi relevan lah saya bagi 1 star sebab memang candy tu tak best bagi saya. 

Dah lama tak rasa tak puas hati dengan seller. Last sekali rasanya pasal penjual-penjual baju kat IG.  Ni kat shopee pulak. 

Saya dah letak rasa empathy dah dekat seller ni, fikir in his perspective. Dan kalau saya di tempat dia, memang saya tak akan cakap macam tu. 

I put effort in writing my rating and I feel that people deserve to know about it. Bukan nak menjatuhkan tapi nak awak improve lagi lagi dalam seller service. 

Cakap la something like, “Terima kasih untuk rating anda, sangat bermakna untuk kami improve kekurangan kami. Maaf kerana ia tidak mencapai taste cik. Produk adalah dari Turkey, etc etc. Terima kasih.” 

And so many other pep talks actually that we’ve discussed together. 

Update Friday, 8 July 2022, 2:07PM

LOL ya Allah kak tolong kak tolong lah jangan bagi ruang untuk saya komen lagi pasal akak….. 

Saya tahu saya ada kekurangan juga tapi tu lah Komen akak ni lucu lah. 

Bila orang guna duit dia, walaupun RM1, kena lah jadi fussy. Dah la description tulis guaranteed sedap, HIGH QUALITY. Walaupun RM4.95 je untuk mini pack. Masalahnya apa yang saya dapat tiga-tiga pack semua tak sedap tak “rich in flavour taste” langsung. 

Lepas tu kata kita rude. Saya bagi Komen saya, takde mencaci, siap terima kasih bagi gift. 

TAPI KAN TERIMA KASIH BAGI EFFORT DAN MASA RATING SAYA ♥️ SEMOGA AWAK BERJAYA DUNIA AKHIRAT AMIN. 

#34

This is not anxiety. This is just something. I can’t sit still. Maybe because of too much caffeine. Or maybe it’s that procrastinated work, and that I have to go to office, and that I have to stream tomorrow. 

I wanna cry. 

Can these blog posts be one of the medium for me to confide to Allah SWT

I just used a new word I don’t think I’ve used it before even in school. Confide. Heard it before but not use it even in my thoughts. I guess. 

Well. One thing I know right now is my heart is not at ease. I’m thinking too much, yes? Le sigh. 

#33

You know when people say if you’re sad or you’re just not doing good in life, don’t tell your parents, don’t let them worry. 

But all I want, the only person I want to know all my feelings and thoughts is mom. If only she knew. 

And I know I will regret not telling. And this will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

#32

Dude I saw a story from my cousin posting about her parents i.e. my uncle and aunt and it breaks my heart how they look... old. You see them ageing just like how you see your own parents age. 

It breaks my heart because I miss my parents. They are getting older day by day. And I'm just here... dwelling on life.

#31

I look at how people are posting updates about their lives to public, or at least their friends. I smile, and feel happy at how they make themselves happy. Because truly happiness is a choice. 

To dwell on the past or to live in the present.

To worry on the future or to make the present worthwhile. 

One week. Or rather two weeks. I have been sleeping late at around 4am and waking up at around 3pm. That phase comes again. When I have nothing to do. 

I'm sorry my dear husband.

I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad.

I'm jealous. Jealous at my nieces. How they can spend time with my parents. 

I promised myself to fix my sleeping pattern. By finding something to do. What can I even do despite streaming? I can write. I can journal. There are so many things. So many things that have happened that I couldn't actually stop and reflect. I do it but only in my mind, random times, before sleep, in the shower. Sigh. 

And he's just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for me to make the move.

Am I destroying myself? Am I destroying him? 

There are so many people I want to tell these things. My cousin Lina, my sister-in-law Kak Ya, and actually my mom.

This guilt has made me become stunted. Locked in place. I don't talk to mom anymore. She cannot worry about me. 

All this. Because I couldn't love my husband. Do I even try? He loves me so much. What do I do in return? 

#30

One of my supporter reminds me of my cikgu akaun, Puan Aminah. I know I don't visit my teachers or even keep in touch with anyone, but gosh... I think I was really rude to her, like bongkak, ego, berlagak pandai. Coz dude, I got almost 100% in every exam. It was that easy.

And maybe because of that, it hard for me during SPM, no kidding. I still remember how it was hard on SPM day.

I don't know if I actually  showed my bongkakness or how clever I was, but I feel like I did. And I feel stupid. 

But knowing how empathetic I am, how teachers look at me wit high EQ, I think I hid it well, or battled it well. Battled with my own devils, yakno.

So I insyaaAllah she will always be in my prayers.

#29

The more I try, the more I feel lost.

I feel unworthy and it's nobody else's fault.

I'm sorry mom.

#28

A really good post appeared on my timeline and I’m thankful that I did not unfollow her. Because I believe she’d share food for my soul.

Sometimes I feel guilty to mute everyone except for my family and extended family from mom’s side. Even my close friends. But I know that I don’t like how I feel when I see other people’s updates. My thoughts are devil and I don’t want to wish bad upon people nor I want to compare or feel sad about myself. 

Or if a post makes me angry because how unempathy someone is. It’s called penyakit hati as the above post stated. 

So I mute. 

And again as the above post stated, it’s better that I look at other people’s kekurangan supaya saya dapat lebih bersyukur dan juga mendoakan orang tu dan juga mendoakan sesiapa yang terlintas di fikiran yang saya dah mute tu. 

So unfollowing, blocking, unfriend, mute — it’s not wrong. And people shouldn’t feel offended if someone does that to them. 

Everyone has their own shit to deal with. Shrugs. 

#27

The other day I realised that if I don’t feel like I can be close with anyone, to tell anything without the fear of being judged… it’s my cousins. This raya made me really see that and that I’ve neglected my family and extended for such a long time. Sigh. If not them then who? 

#26

Yesterday I thought to myself. In the bathroom. 

What legacy do you want to leave in this world? What do you want to leave behind in this world? What do you want to be remembered about? 

(Something like that, sorry my English has gone down the drain). 

So I thought, nothing. I’ve always want to be remembered in nothing. I hope no one remembers me, but Allah and His Beloved SAW. 

But then, I thought again… A legacy I want people to know, or remember, is this blog and my written diaries. I may not have expressed everything here and there. But I guess they are gems to me, so dear to me. It is me. My own being, bared here and there. 

Maybe this crossed my mind because of simplysajida’s writing, saying that she would do annotations on the books she has read so that when she leaves this world, her kids would be able to read it and know their mother better. 

So yeah maybe I have the same thought about my blog and my diaries. 

But it’s for the people I dear most. My friends and family, kids soon amin. 

But maybe especially for my sister. 

#25

I’ve looked upon sweet moments and texts from my lovelies or between us, and I’ve decided to just let go of every thing they have done that make me terasa. I don’t even know the story so let’s be husnuzon insyaaAllah <3

#24

 Make me love for the sake of Allah SWT 

#23

Okay so I've learned backbiting (mengumpat) has its requirements.

If you don't mention who, then it's not mengumpat. And your intention is just sharing and just to show lessons to be learnt, then it's not mengumpat. Wallahu a'lam. 

I've been talking about some brands here on my blogger. Is talking bad about a brand counted as mengumpat? Is not that my feedback? Am I being defensive on a sin? I don't know.

So here I want to tell you about a streamer on fisbuk. 

How upset I am of her approach. SO upset. I wouldn't mind if she asks with structure. Tolong memang boleh tolong, but YOUR MANNERS.

Like, dude, MANNERS MAKETH MAN.

I asked Ha if I should say something to my supporters only, or say something to her. But he said just let her be. What I think is, on our side, kita takde kaitan apa-apa pun. Walaupun dia pergi blast kat semua nombor dalam group tu, which is related to me. Sigh.

Nasib ada supporter yang faham. Bukan pasal tak mampu dan tak nak tolong, tapi cara dia tu. 

Dia rerjah camtu je kat semua orang. Takde perkenalkan diri, page apa, link page dia. 

Saya perkenalkan diri kat streamer lain pun, elok-elok. Bagi salam. Cakap hi. Kenalkan diri siapa nama. Siap dengan link page. Sama la dengan beberapa streamer yang buat camtu, beretika.

Ini tak. Takde etiquette. Sedih. Upset. Disappointed. As a human being a person, moreover a streamer, patut tahu lah nak deal dengan orang, perkenalkan diri elok-elok. 

Cakap la awak dapat nombor dari mana? Dari supporter group WhatsApp EKG.

Dapat nombor dari mana. Saya ni siapa. Page link saya apa. 

Saya sendiri baca ayat dia bagi kat semua orang, saya fikir saya kena scam. 

Nak kenalkan diri tu bukan sahaja nama, tapi juga berserta dengan page link supaya orang tak ingat awak tu scam. I think she lacks of EMPATHY. Dia tak fikir dulu, kalau dia text camtu kat strangers, apa impact dia, apa orang tu akan rasa, dengan wordings dia guna, dengan cara dia type.... Apa yang saya nampak kat sini? Dia kalut. Fikir duit je. Tak fikir perasaan orang, tak fikir privasi orang. Terus terjah buat satu perenggan camtu, terus blast. 

Dulu ada jugak streamer lain yang minta bantuan jadi supporter tapi dia structured dan hormat privasi orang. Siap minta izin kat saya untuk post dalam group ni pasal jadi supporter dia. Erin okay je. Tolong je. Tapi cara dia, buat saya rasa terkilan. Macam tak nak fikir panjang, tahu nak duit duit duit. Sigh.

ANA SOIMUNNN ANA SOIMUN ANA SOIMUN. Ya Allah, Engkaulah pemegang pemilik hati ini. Please please please mend my heart and show me tell me what to do because I feel so angry and upset with this person. Kalau libatkan saya sorang je takpe (macam streamers lain, ada yang tak ada manners gak). Tapi ni melibatkan orang-orang yang mengenali saya. MALU. 

Saya masih tak tahu nak tegur dia ke tak. Sebagai rakan sekerja? Sigh.

Dah la mengaku 'sy kwn kar*a'. Like DUDE?!?!?!? IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND, YOU'D SAY, 'Saya kawan erin'. I LEGIT TOLD YOU MY NAME IN OUR CHAT. NAMA PANGGILAN SAYA. UGH -.- Even if I did not tell you my nickname that my FRIENDS call me, you should have the decency to RESEARCH so that you can approach people in a better manner. WHAT ASJDFHSAKDJFHKSAJD I just can't. 

Memang saya pun ada meminta dengan supporters sendiri. Tapi dengan cara yang elok la. Bukan terjah camtu. Ya Allah T_T 

Tak nak pulak pergi ke supporters streamer lain yang besar-besar untuk buat macam tu. Hai, saya kawan soloz. Minta tolong. Tak nak pulak?

I am so taken advantage of this :( 

#22

What / who was the first thing / person who brought you closer to Islam?

I can’t remember actually but I think being in MRSM was the first baby step for me to be closer to Islam. WAIT. NO. 

I was thinking, it’s actually arwah Cik Idah. But then no. She’s actually the influence or catalyst for me to change along the way after MRSM, because of the du’as, Quran recitations and IKIM FM. But I was jahil at the time. 

So it started with MRSM. Surrounded by people who were learning Tasawwuf. masyaAllah. I was leaning towards BADAR but failed 😂 because of them, I change my way of clothing. 

From tudung pendek to a more labuh tudung although tak labuh gila. Biasa je tapi tak singkat. 

From malas Handsocks to rasa wajib Handsocks. 

But socks are always there. Sampai UiTM. 

Then kat anugerah kat Dewan Maluri yang ada Syawalina, she asked me rajinnya pakai Handsocks. Wajib ke pakai? 

Me: eh takla, dah terbiasa. 

At that time I thought is she really asking that kind of question? And that kind of tone? From a girl who is statistically clever than me? It’s aurat… but even then I did not respond in anger. I understood.  

Then in UiTM I remember that my clothing wasn’t perfect. Ada baju ketat sikit kadang nampak side boobs even though “labuh”, ada nampak bontot, ada tudung jarang, ada yang nampak wrist. 

Then MAYBE after becoming closer to Hannan that I bought and wear clothes which are more loose. By then I was exposed more to social media on how to wear proper modest clothes. And what poses are appropriate so tak mengundang fitnah. 

I remember because I was around a lot at home, suka pakai socks, mak pun ikut sekali. Mula-mula socks nipis, pastu lama-lama socks biasa, tak perlu tebal. She even loved it when I gave away my H&M socks ♥️ I didn’t offer because before that selama tu, I knew that mom wouldn’t want it. But then eventually she did. Lagi lagi bila Cik Ta always promote her fashion to her sisters. 

To my situation, wearing modestly makes me one step closer to Him, although I remember that I was always horny masa UiTM. I ain’t perfect. 

I just remembered some people in MRSM. Cikgu English form 5, Ustazah muda, Attira yang suka pakai Handsocks. And kat sana memang suasana yang mengingatkan tentang Allah. 

Pastu 1-2 tahun nak habis kat UiTM, memang dah menutup elok. Alhamdulillah. Sampai sekarang. 

The next thing, AA Tuesday Love Letters and AA Plus tahun 2018 selepas dah habis masalah tu… 

I know I have so many sins, and there’s this particular big one that I have yet to overcome… it’s hard and that’s why I try to multiply my other good deeds especially aurat. In hopes and prayers that while doing other good deeds, I could eventually overcome that sin. Allahu. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. 

#21

You know how easily I compare myself and look down on myself? Sigh.  

I need to realise that I’ve chosen this. I’m not a content creator nor an influencer. I don’t create motivational posts. I don’t create tips and tricks. I don’t suggest stuff. I don’t follow the fashion trend nor content making trends especially TikTok. 

I do write but for myself. To be honest, my words are so soothing, to myself. They’re even witty sometimes. And it is  shown and proved from my tweets back then and even my blog now. Just that I don’t think it’s suited to be published out there even when I know the words aren’t wrong i.e. they’re not memesongkan. 

I just be. 

A good photo, a good pose, some message, some of my favourite colours and clothes style that I like. And I hate fashion trend. So I need to bear with it. 

I  don’t have to wear trendy things for people to like my photos. I don’t have to write motivational quotes. I just be. 

I don’t have to think what kind of post would make the post have high engagement. Because the goal of each post is that I, just, be.

Good characteristic, good manners. 

The least I can do for dakwah. 

Be strong dear Erin. Fight the demons in you. 

#20

Today's challenge is no social media day. Errr I think that's not gonna happen haha

Night challenge is, "What is the best gift anyone has ever given you?"

Tbh, I can't remember. It's hard to recall... but I guess it's dua's, the prayers, the supplications, kind gestures, kind words. I couldn't say material things as a best gift. It doesn't fit the mold, doesn't feel right, coz in the end those items only give temporary joy.

#19

You know what's sad? That when I just wanna talk, have a conversation about my well being, he doesn't wanna actually listen. Me before going back to work. The only time that I have to talk to him, he doesn't wanna engage in it. And then when I'm doing some work on the computer, he'll come to me saying he misses me. What about the times when I want to talk to you? The times when I went to office when I want to chat with you? You did not try to really engage in those.

Tak nak baca post awak, nak dengar awak cakap, luahka kat Ha.

That's what you said. But then I couldn't talk to you. I even told you the points to engage in the conversation that I want to have. I told you to ask me, how did I get my lips to be itchy again. But then you still did not engage. You still ask different things, terus shoot ke doctor. 

When I think about it again, it's like you're dismissing my health problems without wanting to listen to further explanation. And to think about it again, even doctors ask in details if possible, what are the causes, what's the story behind it.

And then when I give you the disappointed look after the things I try to engage, you gave me back the cold look. 

Karma. Kifarah. You get what you give. Maybe that's how I've been treating Ha for the past 5 years, hence that's how he's behaving now.

All I can do is move on with my life, daripada sakit lagi hati ni. Setiap hari sakit. Ada atau takde stream? Pun sakit jugak. 

True how only He can mend everything.

#18

Dude lemme tell you something... or many things.

I don't have plans for today. Saturday. Weekend. Except for waiting for my praying garments to arrive in the afternoon. 2 and 4 hours left.

Also, waiting for a sponsor to give details so that I can proceed to produce some videos for them. Ya Allah, please please please have them send to me today because I wanna have time to make them.

I'm not good at doing reviews, but I'll do my best. Not just because I want the money, but it's experience, and for myself. For my betterment, really. 

So since I don't have anything to do, I was planning to just sit down in front of the PC, and write something. NOT mindlessly scrolling on IG or FB to stumble upon anything so that I continue endless scrolling. No, please no.

So yeah, here I am.

I know I feel kinda empty not having to live stream. Like I don't have anything to do, ya'kno. That's what I wrote earlier. But then I know I don't wanna live stream, I know I'd dread to live stream. Because I don't have the obligation to do so. And live streaming is actually an after party. 

I kinda have some things happening since I started live stream only once a week. So an after party of live stream would be great. Just not a 'Hanging Out' live stream... not yet. 

I don't know if I'm still good at ML anyway.

What I do know is that I miss live streaming in the morning and reciting du'a for people. I don't know how that makes me feel good. Is making du'as like food to your soul? Subhanallah. 

Maybe because missing it, that I can wake up every morning for Subuh and not sleep afterwards. Because right now? I didn't get enough sleep. I just don't know what makes me want to stay awake. 

Is it to embrace the moment, cherish the time, spend it well? I don't know.

I don't like to see live streams of other streamers. Just like how I don't like to see updates of the people I follow on IG, especially those who are not related by blood. Because I think I'd start to compare. And I guess comparing means you're not being grateful. Whenever I decide to click on my friends' or other streamers' updates, I tell myself beforehand, to stay positive and pray for them, that it's their rezq. It's a constant battle to betterment myself. It's an exercise that I need to do. And that's okay.

So it's an exercise? Life is about process. I was thinking, while I clean the kitchen, that I wish everyone knows how to clean so that I do not have to clean it EVERYDAY. Like every time I see it so dirty, I feel SO angry and sigh heavily. 

But Allahu, that's the beauty of these people existing in your life. So you can go through this process every single day. Testing your patience, testing your sincerity, testing your perseverance, and many other things. So that when you face other music, you have it altogether, or maybe you don't, but it would feel similar, and it is engrained in you that you respond in a certain way, because you have been there even though in a different situation. 

What I'm saying here is that every time I have to clean the kitchen after someone make a mess, I do zikr. Or actually istighfar. I think I prefer istighfar over everything even selawat. Kinda bad but that's what I feel. Because I feel so angry like why do people don't know how to clean up?!?!?!?!??! asjdhfjaksldhfjkalsd and all the angry feels. So that's why I prefer istighfar. You know, I'd like to think, even if you don't actually selawat in your mind, but you do think about Rasulullah SAW and Allah SWT, that this also counts. Because as everytime I do istighfar, all the good things running through my mind. Subhanallah. 

And you know, Allah is the one who moves your heart, your mind to think and feel about things. Especially the good things. (I really don't know about negative things because isn't yang buruk itu datang dari diri sendiri, yang baik itu datang dari Allah? Wallahu'alam). 

What I'm saying here about this is that, there are so many things Allah have blessed me to do move my heart to do good. Also I was reading again AA Love Letters about this. And more so, that for example, you thought about reading the Quran, just thinking about it, but still feel lazy? You fight against that laziness, and go for it. And more good things will fall through, Allah will bring more goodness to it. Subhanallah. 

Sorry I got distracted. I was scrolling FB and a post caught my attention. It's something about children learn by modelling. True indeed. And that reminds me of another post on previous day I found it, that it says something like a wife follows what her husband does. Just like kids. It's true, so true. If you don't follow even the littlest things your husband does, then, subhanallah you're a strong woman. 

Because, dude, I... can't help but follow this bad trait, which is cussing. I guess. It doesn't feel good cussing. I mean, yes, it does. But tranquility beats it, yakno? Meaning here, it'd be better if I just istighfar instead of cuss. But maybe also, that this requires both parties to improve each other. It takes two to tango. 

I have so many things to say, huh? But it's all not one topic. All jumbled up. This is how my thought process during live stream if I wanna share things during the live in the morning. Can you tell what kind of person I am? xD

It's 10:57AM now. 

I realise that I was tired doing live especially because I talk too much. It drains me out. I don't know if it's the introvert thing, but really, it was just one day on Wednesday, and I'm done for the week. Alhamdulillah KOL don't have any more task xD I miss to do live, but still I'm glad I don't have to. Once a week is good. It's like episode or drama series. Once a week. Wow! That's a good idea. 

Because you know, after all this thought process writing, I don't feel tired. Yes I'm sleepy, but not tired. Because actually talking versus writing are so different.

I thought of just do a hanging out live stream with supporters but then it'd be just the same with talking. I'd still feel tired even though talking to only supporters. 

The dream of not having to play ML everyday for 120 hours finally came true. But what do I do now?  

I'm sorry I can't be good in ML anymore. I'm so dependent on Ha's gameplay now. Sigh. I'm sorry.

#17

I follow this FB page:

Introvert Problems

And well there are so many posts regarding pretending to be all bubbly and happy in front of people, and then the image afterwards.

Like, it's true. And I dreaded it when I was in University when I was in APAcS, a student body council, or something like that. I told Teha that. Like, you need to pretend but actually inside you just 'f- off people' or 'i hate everyone'. 

But then as I enter this industry, I realise, it's not about us, about yourself. It's about what you can serve the community. How your existence make an impact on others. And to know that Allah SWT rewards you for that. 

For being kind, for being sincere. 

It's like serotonin. If you make others happy, naturally, you will feel good. Because it's engrained in our system, in our being, our soul. 

Because we are made of Love, by our Rabb who is Ever-Loving, the source of Love.

One, you naturally feel good about it. Two, you know Allah rewards you for it.

Subhanallah. 

#15

Okay so malam nisfu sya'ban... encouraged to do zikr and istighfar and make lots and lots of du'as. 

I, did not know what to ask. So after reading AA's email, she talked about journaling her days, i.e. reflecting upon yourself. 

Yup I do journal here. But only sometimes. Not everyday. You know by the frequency of my posts here. 

So here I am, trying to journalise my days and thoughts for the past, idk how long. Like really really muhasabah diri. Because through this, I know what to ask from Him.

Of course He already know what we want even unconsciously. But the act of really asking from Him is vital. Word it out even in your head. 

I always pray that I have that deep love for my husband, for the sake of Allah. That's my everyday hope since ever. May it be instill in my heart for You. I know love is commitment, I read it from my supporter's post. But how far can I commit without the deep feeling?

Next, I guess I just want to be more patient. I can't change my significant other but to just let him grow in his own pace. It's true, how you want him to be better than you, teach you, and stuff. But he's just being him. You know he lacks that, so you improve yourself first. And the thing is, maybe he's better than you because sincerity and matter of hearts, only Allah knows. 

That leads to me being dreamy about the beauty of tahajjud. I always read about spouses performing tahajjud. Praying to Allah SWT to give guidance to the wife or the husband. Because He is the owner of hearts. Always, always turn to him. 

Semoga diberi hidup yg berkah, di jaga dari pandangan buruk orang lain dan segala fitnah.

#14

I realise, I always don't know how to praise someone with really bombastic words, because I think I don't want those praises on me as well.

For example I read a content on IG about beauty with brains, a phrase or quote that society has put and implant on us. 

Like... there shouldn't even be a stereotype anything including BEAUTY and BRAINS, even if it is a positive quote. Like, 'good vibes only'. Nah. 

People should let people be. Le sigh

#13

New post coz I wanna see the timestamp, how my feelings change so quickly.

Ha always say, it's okay, she has a different characteristic while you are a whole different person.

I never actually really put my effort into editing my VODs, because I might feel cringe on myself from the beginning, since before I feel like I have become hambar. 

Like before this, people commenting saya main santai, relax. Now I'm not. I'm so serious and focused. Because Ha taught me so.

I have stopped being an entertainer. Which actually along the way, Ha also taught me how to be an entertainer. But since idk when... he made me serious and focused :( 

He doesn't care anymore. 

Or maybe that's the real me. Passive, serious, focused, reserved. But at the same time I still feel bubbly when I stream, I still feel happy, but not while playing games because it's too serious. 

So yup. I've no talent in that sense. Even in life, I fail. 

What even people see me as idol? 

I owe people so much. I can't bear it. 

Is the burden of streaming really lifted? Even after I ended the contract?

Sigh

#12

 Again I let myself see things that can make me look down on myself... 

Looking at people's feed doesn't inspire me. I make comparisons and it's bad for my mental health. Yes it's good to pray for them. Turn your jealousy to du'as. But I just can't handle it right now.

After realising I was drowning in the thoughts of comparison, I brought my thoughts to, Erin, what that happened today that you can be happy about?

"My new clothes."

And I think again in a split second.

"In fact, not just material things in the world. But to be you and do you."

And so I feel thankful, closed the app and just reporting 'Not interested' to those kind of feed. 

I'm just an introvert who just shares whatever without giving tips and selling stuff I guess.

And still my supporters, my subscribers who subscribe each month are one of the pillars of my strength. So I need to stop thinking bad about myself because they don't. It really seems like they don't.

Why do I tell myself I need to stop? Because even your loved ones can be annoyed and f-ed up when you always downgrade yourself. 

Welp.

#10

I always fail to stop comparing myself and stopping myself from feeling that tid bit of jealousy. 

Maybe that's the exercise that I need for my soul. Because every single time it happens, I need to do that exercise, to fight my evil thoughts and feelings and replace it with dua's for them. 

Is it actually the numbers that bother you? The friendliness? The community? The amount of comments? The amount of likes? And your page lately is just... in huge downfall. 

Remember who are still with you, Erin. And one person suffice to be as a reminder that the amount is not important. 

And be thankful, as Allah has given you so much more than you know and see.

#9

Now I understand why I couldn't or stopped watching chick flicks films. And even chick flicks drama or series. Because I hate feelings. It brings me to a dark place. I'd rather animes like Attack On Titan no kidding. I mean, there are feelings involved in animes but that's not the theme, like the obvious drama series ya'kno what I mean?

The closest I am to chick flicks is songs now. Itu pun I'm trying to always listen to Quran recitation for most of the time. It's not that I don't acknowledge the *feelings*. It's the fact that I acknowledge them well enough to control it by turning back to Him.

May He always guide me in everything I do. 

#8

I wonder who's the 1 and only viewer on my blog. It's definitely not Ha. Anyway. 

It's the time of the month, and I'm at work, and I feel very emotional. I decided to listen to my liked songs on Spotify since 11:30am and it shuffled to a song... Never Seen the Rain by Tones and I. It resonates so much on whatever I'm feeling and going through right now. Not being ungrateful but really, something just feels off. And I've been putting the song on loop for a few hours now.

It feels heavy. And I know, and always know that songs other than messages from Allah, especially the Quran, would divert you, from remembering Him. So this song, I just make it so that it relates to Him. Lean on Him. 

On the way to work, we were talking about celebrating Aidil Fitri in Jannah. Amin. Like, to think again about it, it's true, and it's fine. Because, just like how those people in Pal3stine suffer, they get to celebrate in Jannah.

Allahu. I just miss... life.

#7

Don't think too much of how much people appreciate you. Don't be into deep on how much people praise you. It's gonna eat you up inside with ego and pride, riak, ujub, dan takabbur. So pray, that you are prevented from that.

Don't yearn on people's praises, but Allah's.

Okay, Erin?

Ya Allah, jauhkanlah kami dari sifat riak, ujub, dan takabbur.

#6

The death of a friend, shows that what you own, the material things in this world, mean nothing when you’re gone. 

But what impact you give to people, does. 

Idk what I’m doing with my life. I just hope it’s for the better of people. 

Hablum minallah. Hablum minannas. 

Please forgive me. 

#5

After I entered this industry, I got to know this amazing person.

Recently she sent a long text which included really important stuff. And I felt not just obliged, but also honoured and responsible for my reply to her. Because truth is, I never written solely from my own words to most of the people in this industry. So, I wrote a huge one, with in mind that I should not be about me or I. It should be about her and her beloved. 

And it struck me that, I guess we are the old school kind of person. Like, I miss emails. You wouldn't be expected to reply after a reply. Like, that's it, ya know. You don't need to reply with an emoji or whatever word. 

But then, when you know you have mutual feelings about it, I guess one or the other wouldn't feel burdened to reply. 

Mutual feelings remind me about Atul and Mad. I didn't know Atul was gonna be there only after Adli mentioned it. I was kinda bummed honestly but then I chose not to go. But please though, I hope there are more invitations even though my stupid lazy ass is hard to be convinced to go outside with my friends, because Ha is okay with it. So I should be able to push myself. Like you need to understand, introverts need pushing. It ain't about not being sincere. 

Welp. I had many things in mind but I haven't performed Maghreb prayer so insyaaAllah will update soon.

Oh, it's about... despite me being so anxious about how people have taken advantage of me, Allah has sent more reminders to come back to Him and remind me to keep doing good. That's what I always tell myself though. Do what Allah loves. And that's what arwah always tell the people around him subhanallah. 

she did not mind much about her anonymity lately though. 

#4

I feel like there’s so much hatred in my heart right now that I feel so distant from Allah. I hate this negative feeling towards people… not just people but specific people. May Allah give me ease and soften my heart ❤️‍🩹

#3

 I hate people.

Maybe because I hate myself. 

You've been strong, though, my dear. 

#2

Tournmnt women from this Organizer. I mean. In the end, they have achieved what they wanted. 

MORE ENGAGEMENT AND REACH.

Orang kecoh dan tak puas hati sebab ada laki, walhal ada dalam T&C dan R&R. Lepas tu kena fikir yang tourney tu nampak sangat dia nak marketing sebab invite pasukan dari Streamers. 

The issues were raised in public channel in DC. I'm sure other regions have seen it. But I'm not sure if they understood what was happening because all was written in Malay. But at least I think IDs got the gist of it. 

But really, that's what the organisers want, even though they are not managing well xD

#1

Wow first post of the year. Bismillah 😂

I have known about my voice for my whole life.

So people talking and questioning about how rough or deep my voice is in a negative way? since the beginning I showed up on screen till now? I'm used to it.

And they don't understand how blessed I am to have a voice like this. How blessed I am to be skinny.

It's so difficult to be consistent in good deeds and amal ibadah so alhamdulillah I have these two that I can control and be consistent on.

I'm not shaming women who has that natural soft voice, like, check, we are women, that's natural.

But so happen that there are also women with my kind of voice. We are built like who we are for a reason. It's the one thing that I don't have to struggle and worry about. It's not like I can't be soft. I can. I'm a women. I don't have halkum 😂 kan? Hahah

Allah does not burden a soul beyond it can bear.

And another ayah I'm reminded about is Fabiayyi ala irobbikuma tukazziban. An ayah idk why that's easy to remember. "Mana nikmat Tuhan kamu yang mana lah yang kamu dustakan?" A quote also that is framed in our office-bless him!

I mean, you have akal. To think. So why people are so easy to give negative remarks without really digging deeper into it? Like this comment?

And well. That's about it. A topic about my voice that I never share on screen. My logic says the topic sounds kinda sensitive to people. I'm not affected by it, but to other people. So I just pray instead.