#67 charity

I hate how to move forward, I need to... show people that I do good especially in charity :( Yes with good intention etc, it can be done. but really. I hate to be out there for that.

#66

I want to say, that today, I strongly feel that I have failed as a friend. Not only in this small circle of friends in streaming world, but also outside of it.

But then, when I think about it again, I have failed many times over... and I've let that break my heart over and over again. It's definitely not them, but it's me-

Whom maybe is also overthinking. 

But I'm just saying. I'm just letting this out, without knowing how to comfort myself. Myself is out of words. Le sigh

#65

When I started, I knew I couldn't have a 'community'. I just want to spread good and that's all. I'm no good in engaging with people, keeping in touch with people, keeping people like #friendsforkeeps.

They are indeed friends for keeps. But I know I don't have the ability to do so. Effort, affection, and love show through your actions. But simply, I just don't. 

I am this way. It may be even weird being this way to the most important persons in your life, your parents. But maybe my mom and dad know their child so well, that they are okay on how we keep in touch with them. 

InsyaaAllah to my parents, I'm doing more than usual no text or call for more than 6 months. I think I used to do that... realising how wasted time I had not keeping in touch with my parents.

All I'm saying is, I hope I don't get drowned in worries of how so little engagement that "my" "community" has. They say, your character attracts the kind of same trait as you. So maybe that's that.

#64

Sometimes when I feel like I'm losing friends, I'm like, or is it me? Is it me who's not moving on with my life? Moving on, as in, not going to another phase of life? Is it necessary to go to another stage of life? Or just doing new things suffice? Like, there's so much to learn in this world. Isn't that counted as moving on too? Improve in yourself? 

Why do I worry that my friends are slowly going away because they have moved on to another phase of life?

I shouldn't. In fact, they are still your friends. They are still in your prayers. Good times in the past. It's okay that you couldn't relive it. You find something else to find yourself, again and again. 

I'm rambling lol

Sigh. In the end, it will always be with Allah SWT. In Him you find solace.

I just remembered the word 'sahabat'. Sohabat. To pronounce it correctly too. Heard this lecture on IKIM.fm. How beautiful is the Arabic language. Ada maksud bahasa dan juga maksud istilah. 

Sohabat > Rakan 

I'd love to think... even though I don't ask my friends for help, or so rarely, that I do have sohabats. 

Indirectly each of them reminds me of Allah. That suffice. Alhamdulillah.

#63

You know. Alhamdulillah for everything. Allahu Akbar.

Yes. For today. I feel.. okay. I feel good even, right now. While listening to Stay by Kid Laroi. 

Maybe it's the PMS but well, alhamdulillah still. Tomorrow will be puasa tasu'a. Approaching good things.

Also, today, good stats, good friends, good companies, good mood, good song.

A few things that I love today.
- Got the opportunity to gift my dear Teha,
- then our agent delivered good news which is our cover photo and profile photo. In which he advised to post at when my audience is at most active but... I couldn't wait so I just changed hahahaha sorry. I actually thought of that audience and engagement thing but please, malas nak tunggu uwu
- despite knowing some truth about me, some people really just stay <3 
- my family got my cookies
- my supporter bought the new cookies! First customer everrr alhamdulillah
- my supporter is okay with the new cookies
- good food, good chef

Thank you husband <3

Also, I miss mom and dad haha

Praying that I'm able to make it home this weekend!

#62

Okay so I got it after I performed Maghreb. But still I refuse to think this was all PMS. Hm >:(

And I just posted a promise that I will be live tomorrow morning... while right now as I'm typing, as usual... the period pain is a huge pain in the ass *sobs*

Ya Allah, please ease our day today and tomorrow and especially during our livestream.

Also, I notice that I hate to be in a surrounding where it is so negative, like ada maki hamun sana sini, dengan mencarutnya. Allahu. Just think how bad it feels for kids in a house to be in that situation everyday :(

I hope my presence give people good feelings instead of resentment. 

But you know what? It can't be just kids. Adults are humans too. We deserve to be in a positive surrounding. Really. Hm

#61

I know my menstruation period is near. But I just woke up crying. After I read some texts. 

I responded by allowing huge emotion of disappointment of myself pouring in my soul. When in fact... it's just human nature to do mistakessssssssss hasjdkfhajksldhfjkas is it PMS? I refuse to think so.

Also, I highly believe that I'm not mentally ill or depressed or kena saka. I'm normal insyaaAllah. It's just that I pamper myself too much. 

This' my struggle. I know it looks silly. I'm just... meh -.-

#60

No one can mend yourself but yourself. Of course you keep praying to Him and just move on. But it hurts. It hurts thinking you don't deserve the people around you. To think you failed to create a safe space for them. No one is in favour of you. I can't say much. I like to be out there, but that's it. I serve no purpose. Nothing you get is beneficial from me. 

But feeling this way is unfair. Because I have everything. It's like mocking the gifts you've been given. 

Maybe it's the guilt that has been piling up since. 

#59

Maybe I'm not affected by the death of an artist because... I just don't follow her life story and also her story the moment we were all told she was affected by covid. 

But my supporter, Ag*us, I was indeed affected. And today I had a question going through my mind, how is it that dia terbuka hati untuk jadi supporter. 8 March 2021. I mean, I really don't remember going to his life stream before that date, or even gift him stars. I'm just. Allah has sent good people our way. MasyaaAllah. Subhanallah. To get to know him even just a little, even just on the surface, feels so honoured.

Allah wants to remind me that, you are needed, you are not useless, He created you with Love, you should not look down upon yourself. 

We tend to forget, every day when we wake up. So that's why, every day when you wake up, you say alhamdulillah, immediately remember Him, renew your intentions. 

Agus is an example of whom has entered my life without even having a conversation with me, but still giving an impact to my life. One obvious reason is his death. There are so many more small things that I came across, that might have also given impact to me, even when I didn't realise it then and now. Alhamdulillah still.

It just reminds me, of how everyone that knows me, and that if I notice them too, without knowing their names, that... each of them has an impact in my life, has a purpose. 

Like my friends from SG, I don't actually have long conversations with them, but only some brief ones. And casually doing research of their background, somehow, maybe, that has positive impact on my life.

It's things like that, yakno. Whatever bad people, my friends do, I just pray for them, and I take the good things from them, learn the good things from them. That's how I cherish a friendship even when people don't know or don't notice xD

Honestly tiha and aunty are always at the back of my mind and in my prayers. They linger there even though I don't actually consciously pray or think of them. Get it? Haha

So, alhamdulillah. 

Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't

#58

Okay. It's still about death. But not my friend. 

It's about my silly principle, that, when I die, I don't want people to know. 

But Ha said, no, you can't be like that. Orang barat je fikir macam ni.

In fact, spreading the news of death is a kebaikan. It's the dua from people for the dead that is a good thing. Lagi-lagi orang ulama'. 

Ha told me again, there was a person asking UAI, takpe ke orang terlampau memuji/memuja orang yang dah meninggal? UAI replied that it's good, orang mendoakan dia, dan takde orang nak buka aib dia, cakap buruk pasal dia, tapi hanya kebaikan yang telah ditinggalkan.

And you know what? People praying for the dead, their prayers, di-amin-kan juga oleh para malaikat kepada diorang balik. Also cerita kebaikan pasal seseorang dan juga doakannya, mengingatkan juga kita kepada mati. 

That's what I think. 

I just... Allahu akbar. How I wish just no one knows of my death but Allah knows best ^^"

#57 death

Dude. Reflection of today. A supporter, a friend, lost his life today. 

It affects me, because maybe I wanted to know him more. Bulan ni, ada niat untuk bagi dia gift. Tapi rupanya dia tengah fight for his life. 

I might not have looked at his struggle as a serious situation, but I still wished him to get well soon. 

Sorry, but I couldn't express how I actually feel... this is not exactly what I wanted to share lol tak sampai ke point dia. 

Anyways. Really, death is inevitable. And you don't know when. You just don't know. So what you can do is remember death, but also continue to do good to please Him, move on with your life. Pray and live life so that when you die, you have tried your best, so that you leave this world in a condition that Allah is pleased with you, amin. 

That's why some people seem strong, just go on with life. Because of the ultimate reason, to please Allah. 

Nevertheless, you can not ignore the sad negative things you are feeling. Toxic positivity is not the way. Acknowledge it. It's how you deal with it. But of course, easier said than done. What you can do is be there for the person. Be there for yourself too.

#56

Of course I want a good relationship with 'employer'. I just asked without the intention to ajak gaduh :( Am I wrong though? If I'm wrong, then maybe it's only wrong in terms of how I question what they do.

I hope I improve in social skills. Sigh

#55

I am so well aware that my struggles are not as bad as other people's problems that I know of. What more if I compare to our Prophet SAW. I know that I am privileged, like, apa je struggles aku? Camtu la. 

But that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the what-I-think-are small tests. Because Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286). To me, all these small test are a struggle, man. In my shoes, in my own situation. That you could not compare mine to yours, vice versa. Though I will always admit that others have it worst. 

It makes me feel so scared, that I'm categorised in having istidraj. 

But you know what? Alhamdulillah that even writing this, Allah has shown me, moved my heart to realise and recognise of this so I am aware and scared to disobey Him. Allahu.

#54

I was feeling empty. I told that straight up to Ha. I don't know. I just miss being in the zone, feeling His barakah, that feeling. That feeling is sooo hard to obtain :( So I asked to solat jemaah with him. It's one of the effort that I can do to obtain that and masyaaAllah, I did, even if it so small. I barely felt it tbh. Like my head and heart were not there. But that's what it's all about. To gain that hidayah, that sweetness of Islam and His Love, you need to make an effort. It doesn't come just like that, I guess. 

I can't blame anyone. I seldom read the Quran. I guess I never read after Ramadhan :( Even if I say this now on blog, I don't know when I will start again.

But, let's pray that whenever we think about Quran, we try to reach out to it, and read even for one ayah. Amin. 

Also, to topup the effort, I finally joined weekly class on AA Plus, but just to listen to it. Usually I will join, but go AWOL. But now, I'm here for the reflections, and I got some, alhamdulillah. Of course, I feel lazy to listen to everything. So I persuaded my heart to let's try and stay for a while, and listen to some.

Alhamdulillah, I learned something from this class today, even if it's just a bit.

#53

Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I received an email notification from my favourite streamer :') saying a parcel is scheduled to be shipped soon. 

I don't know why, but I just genuinely smiled and almost cried. Because... I had a rough day. Despite we've won the next round, I hated myself during towards the end of our stream (which was before our tournament).

So this notification really made my day even if it's at the eleventh hour (11:55pm). The email was at 9pm though, I just checked it just now. 

Small things like this really make someone's day. Alhamdulaillah. Jzkk ga*ba ^^

Eventhough I don't show it, I'm a fangirl of her haha