#530

I think I have been writing especially in my diary since I was little. The earliest I could remember is when I was 14. Because I wrote A LOT about my crush, DZ. And he found out the nickname I gave for him. DZ as in dizzy. Lol!

Anyway, I don't know why people make blogging/journaling like a huge thing. But maybe because it is uncommon. Some people love to write, some people just don't. I fall into the former category.

Also, is it wrong that whatever I share, I don't think of its benefits to other people or whatever? I just want to give ease to myself, without hurting other people's feelings. Because people on IG always talk about, does my post give benefit to others? Like, I don't care. I post for myself. I don't give stories. That's just for me.

#529 Avi's 30th

I was wondering today, why April 17th was familiar.

I know 20th April is Alia MN's, 1st April is Akhyar's. Others?

Then I saw a series of photos posted by Avi Kaplan about his merchs.

It's his BIRTHDAY!!!!! AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. But it's maybe already 12am, April 18th already there. But well, it's his 30th birthday :)

#528

I was reading Module 1.3 for AA Consistency Class, which somehow talks about what you are or what are your cores. I know I'm not a good student. But from the two sub modules and half of Module 1.3, something crossed my mind:

Things I like that I don't do anymore, but want to! SO badly

• Reading books
• Practice dance moves from most saved videos on my laptop/IG
• But I also like ML!

How do I divide time between these three? Reading is easy to slip in. But dancing is hm. I need to change into proper clothing. Stay in my room or the small room. Maybe I can use the time where I feel so sleepy after work, for dancing! Do something instead of sleeping or taking that nap. So that I would get tired fast and sleep early, to wake up for the next day. 

This is what I always say to myself lol making mental notes. But then I never wrote it down. Also, it is so unfair to myself that I wake up late for work, I sleep more than 5 hours a day, but then I still sleep after work.

It's bad. I don't like it. I like how productive I was in high school MRSM. My Chemistry teacher, Puan Lela Meon, said she always have 5 hours sleep for a day. And she maximises the remaining 19 hours of the day. 

I'm only 26 years old. Not 60. I can still do things like I used to.

I remember in Ramadhan, where after afternoon prep would be so tiring, you just want to sleep in. But no, I forced myself to go out to beriadah. Meeting boys helped me to get there lol Also I made a mental note to myself that, this way, I would be tired at night, and sleep would be easy. To wake up early for subuh, and having that fresh energy for classes.

Damn, I was that disciplined. Wahahaha.

Anyway. I'm gonna try to do it today.

#527 SOCKS!!!

At 11am today, I was like, why not do this pros and cons list for the socks? So I did.

Why should I buy the socks from @_kaeki?

1. I can't find it on lazada or shopee. Can you find it in Korea though? A'an is currently there but I don't want to burden her.
2. I like sparkling socks, like the one I bought in Cotton On in OZ for only AUD$1?!
3. I only have one pair of red socks and orange socks.
4. I have been thinking about it since 1st April 2019. More than two weeks HAHA

Why shouldn't I buy the socks from @_kaeki or any new socks?

1. I already have too many, especially from H&M.
2. When am I going to wear them?
3. I haven't actually rotate all the socks since I rearranged them according to colours :(

Conclusion at 12pm: I bought them. PLUS a pair of nude handsocks and black saeri leggings. I only had one pair of light grey saeri leggings. Thought of buying nude leggings but that would defeat the purpose of covering because it is kind of our skin colour. Unless you're very dark. So yeah. Total of RM125.

3 pairs of basic socks RM47 (red, orange, black)
1 pair of handsocks + 1 pair of leggings RM78

#526

Refer Post #508

No matter how many times I question why we were created, it already happened. People are born into this world. People already exist. So I kind of couldn't dwell on the past. To know that He simply can create and then give purpose to His slaves.

No matter how I wish I could die, planning of suicide attempts, I couldn't easily die.

It all leads to, "A person has no choice in this life but to strive towards the right path and to do good deeds."

#525

I was selfish on my wedding day. Those whom I invited, would they still be the friends I invite when I'm old? Would we still stay in touch?

I should have let mom and dad invite theirs instead.

I have said this before, but I can't help that my regrets intensified as I edit these wedding photos. I know for a fact that photos could deceive. But still, seeing your parents' happiness captured in photos, as they let you go.

#524

My one regret for our wedding ceremony is that I invited so many of my friends whom I don’t even stay in touch. I should have just let my parents invite the people they know. Or even more of our relatives.

#523

One thing I can guess about my death is that, no one would actually in honest way, say good things about me. For example, if I was loved by everyone, if I was kind. People might just be silent about it. They wouldn’t say anything except dua, and takziah. 

Because honestly, I have not done so much for anyone, even for myself. I’m beating myself up, huh? I know I make peace with myself. But that’s what I think I am.

There was a survey, it has a few topics like career, relationships, hobbies, etc. I can’t remember. It’s a solid Yes or No survey. And unsurprisingly, I ticked mostly No’s in my relationships. Friends and family. Oh gosh. Especially family, my parents and siblings! When they’re the most important people, I don’t even bother to mend things.

And that’s how I see my death would be like.

But at the same time, I always pray that I’m in your dua.

#522

One thing I feel useful for today is that I did proofreading for a short clip. That I got to detect some errors. But now I still doubt that the word ‘inputs’ is grammatically correct. I think input is an uncountable noun. Hm k

#521

LM viral post. Yeah I agree why people are mad. Because of that one statement, one sentence. True, she did not thoroughly review the things she would say, or else she wouldn't have come out with that statement. In all honesty, I was shocked too when I heard the statement LIVE. But I brushed it off because I understand the whole point of the video and the all other videos. She's just trying to help, giving advises, collected from real experiences.

I mean, to me, she never included Islam exclusively, in all of her talk. Because the advise is general even for non-muslims. And I agree, because I always thought of how Posh Beckham is still with David Beckham, and the fact that someone (my friend maybe?) said something like, "Ye la, tengok la camne dia jaga suami dia." Yakno? So I don't get why people are saying, penunggang agama? She didn't relate most or anything to agama? As far as I remember. Because honestly, I was always questioning why she didn't include words from Quran or Hadith when she gives talks.

She is the owner, the boss, and maybe her husband didn't even get to review. Thus the video was posted. Because she thought nothing was wrong in that video. She turned out wrong. But she admitted it. And I know the issue is very sensitive. So sensitive because victims are barely cured from the trauma and experience. True.

I don't think it's wrong? To advise people on rejuvenating marriages. To spread the stories from couples who have experienced hardships etc. I mean, sometimes it's hard to know some problems exist, until there is a channel to tell you so. And the worst things exist, people. And she's helping us to prevent or cure that.

I don't know man. Maybe you'll say aku menjunjung sangat dia, taksub dengan dia dan agenda dia. But I don't think I am. I am fully and well aware of the rapists issue. And it is definitely wrong.

To me, people make mistakes. No human is perfect. People accidentally say things, rational or irrational.

I still look forward to her talks and advises that are related to my situation. Coz her stories she got from other people really help. I think people who are very long in a marriage could agree on her advises.

#520

I know I'm not using my knowledge and skills to the fullest. Not in terms of accounting, not even in terms of photography, or even in terms of being able to do what runners can do. 

Rugi la. Kamu dah dapat pelajaran tu. Orang lain bukan susah lagi nak dapat.

I know he is right. But then I remembered a conversation between me and Nuroule. I think I said something like, I want to settle for less. I just want to be an accountant. That's it.

But of course, she is very the opposite of me. She has visions and missions. While I don't. My vision stops there. An accountant.

To think back, I might have only thought about being an accountant while also being in charity stuff. Since I was in high school.

I don't know why. No one from the corporate (or maybe anywhere) ever motivates me to work more than what I want. I know I can do better. I know those positions are easy to get. But I just don't go for it?

Am I doing this wrong? I know for a fact, I actually need to have a full-time job. Not a part time. I don't know where I'm going with this company, but I'm still here alhamdulillah. I do feel useless, no blame on any employer. Like I don't use my brain, like how my cousin sister always say about her job. She got paid, but her brain doesn't do much work. I know that everyday goes by, I thought, I want to do more. Just maybe not accounting? I don't know.

I hate that Dad is right. I know I have gone through a lot to finish my professional course, to just throw it away? But, I just can't, Dad. How do I explain this?