#106

Being at home not working feels silly. Coz we actually have so many things to get done, but then I'm here at home, chillin'. I want to work, to help my teammates.

I don't know what they think of me now. Am I the person who does not get things done? Skipping work and such? Where is my working ethics? Do they think that I am not competent? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid. Overthinking. Overthinking kills...

I've been complaining that I had to work late, to take the train to go to work, walk so far, etc. But then the truth of the matter is, other people have it worst. See. It really looks like I am not grateful of what I already have.

Hidup ni pun kena la cari rezeki, bukan goyang kaki, dapat duit. Mencari rezeki tu pun bukan semudah tu. So I need to stop complaining about this current job.

Or is it that because of this current team, that I feel so burdened to go to work?

Sigh. What the heck. This is life. Everything does not go your way. You need to accept that. Learn and grow.

#106

I have a thing with regret. I let myself be haunted by should'ves, would'ves and could'ves. Just because I do not learn from my previous mistakes. Eurotrip, the concert, now the hiking.

I don't know if my problem is after the incident, or during the incident. Was I not living the moment? Was I not taking all in? If I did, why am I not being grateful for the experience, even when I didn't immortalize it? What is actually my regret? What is actually my definition of having the best experience? What is it that is not enough?

To think about it, manusia tak pernah berpuas hati. I keep telling myself that, and also the fact that I need to be more thankful for everything that I've gone through. I feel like this has something to do with my heart and my imaan. I should feel tranquility, not regrets.

The thing with myself is, I get jealous too easy. I get jealous of photos of other people. The fact that they have great pictures, while I don't, even when I was with them at that moment. It's stupid. This feeling is silly.

Like seriously, for instance during the hiking, I know you need to enjoy the moment, but it's so tiring that all I wanted to do was just take photos of the scenery without the need for me to pose and show in the picture that I was doing fine.

My friend was right about one thing. When you see people taking photos of themselves, it would seem so disingenuous. What he said, to prove one thing, that a picture could mean a thousand things, and you wouldn't know what exactly happened. (This would look like just me comforting myself but what the heck.)

But all in all, I'm still glad that my friends would once in a while ask are you doing okay? Aren't you going to eat? Let's selfie, etc.

In a nutshell, it might be myself who was affecting my own mood.

***
Update:
This might have something to do with posting photos on instagram. Might be the sole reason why I am always feeling this way, hesitating to share photos. Just might be.

#105 Eurotrip2014

I say I didn't have the best days of my life there. But when I look back at the photos, I should be more thankful. I've been there. We got some awesome photos tho not every single one or moment. We got some videos. And I miss everyone in the photos I have. I miss them. This is a sudden heart ache. I miss everyone.