#106

I have a thing with regret. I let myself be haunted by should'ves, would'ves and could'ves. Just because I do not learn from my previous mistakes. Eurotrip, the concert, now the hiking.

I don't know if my problem is after the incident, or during the incident. Was I not living the moment? Was I not taking all in? If I did, why am I not being grateful for the experience, even when I didn't immortalize it? What is actually my regret? What is actually my definition of having the best experience? What is it that is not enough?

To think about it, manusia tak pernah berpuas hati. I keep telling myself that, and also the fact that I need to be more thankful for everything that I've gone through. I feel like this has something to do with my heart and my imaan. I should feel tranquility, not regrets.

The thing with myself is, I get jealous too easy. I get jealous of photos of other people. The fact that they have great pictures, while I don't, even when I was with them at that moment. It's stupid. This feeling is silly.

Like seriously, for instance during the hiking, I know you need to enjoy the moment, but it's so tiring that all I wanted to do was just take photos of the scenery without the need for me to pose and show in the picture that I was doing fine.

My friend was right about one thing. When you see people taking photos of themselves, it would seem so disingenuous. What he said, to prove one thing, that a picture could mean a thousand things, and you wouldn't know what exactly happened. (This would look like just me comforting myself but what the heck.)

But all in all, I'm still glad that my friends would once in a while ask are you doing okay? Aren't you going to eat? Let's selfie, etc.

In a nutshell, it might be myself who was affecting my own mood.

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Update:
This might have something to do with posting photos on instagram. Might be the sole reason why I am always feeling this way, hesitating to share photos. Just might be.