#77

So I’ve been following an IG account, a digital content creator I think. I followed her because she's like Aida Azlin but on IG stories but TBH actuallyyyy I followed her initially because of the “Add Yours” sticker because she had the most good ones hahah. But then slowly and at the same time her content interest me. So yeah. 

I’ve shared this below with her and I wanna put it here :)

I’ve never liked the term best friend since primary school. I prefer close friends. 

Also, I have close friends for different interests. 

And I’m okay with it and they’re okay with it. I have totally different interests with my two closest friends (even though it might not be a mutual feeling 😂).

They have their own circle of friends where they most do activities together. but we talk about mostly everything when we had the chance. And still never judge each other and understand each other masyaAllah. I’m not the kind who we do activities together although I really love to hangout and travel with them but masa mencemburui kita. Haha. 

Not talking down on myself but I’m kinda the bad introverted friend who just wanna be alone 😂 and subhanallah they never complained once we have reached a certain age and after years knowing each other. 

About never expecting any replies: 

Ngl I’m that kind of friend too. I’m late or just forgot to reply coz life ✨happens✨. I do text them asking how they are sometimes because I know how good it feels suddenly a friend text you. It gives you feeelsss. And still I don’t expect any replies. 

I’ve learnt about this kinda early during high school because of my older sister. Because she has that kind of friendship. “Kitorang dah biasa tak reply each other.” And they are still close friends till now masyaAllah :’) 

But then like you said earlier never judge someone’s relationships, you are not worst or better than the other. Everyone has their special conditions. 

I was thinking have I ended any friendship ? I think I’m not that close to anyone to ever end a friendship. But then when I think about it again. Kinda so many friendships I’ve ended and there remains my two close friends even though if they don’t feel mutual but they definitely will be there when we have the chance to talk. I always pray for them 💕

#76

I wanna tell you something that I think you've heard of.

Jangan terlampau nak kerja kerja kerja sampai tiada masa untuk keluarga, sama ada ibu bapa, isteri dan anak-anak, adik-beradik, saudara mara, sepupu, keluarga terdekat, dan sebagainya. 

Masa tidak boleh dibeli. Tengok tengok, kita dah tak cukup masa untuk diorang.

Anak tiba-tiba dah besar.

Ibu bapa tiba-tiba dah tua, tiba-tiba jatuh sakit, tak sihat.

Isteri pun, tiba-tiba ini itu. 

Dan sebagainya.

Kita tak tahu. Kita tak tahu.

Dan jangan disebabkan dari jauh kita nampak keluarga kita nampak okay je, kita takeadvantage of that, tak kisah untuk meluangkan masa dengan mereka.

Allahu.

So I'm afraid that I'm like that. Like, masa jadi Auditor walaupun dah kahwin, masih lagi boleh jenguk mak ayah. Allahu, kalau setiap minggu boleh balik, baliklah. Abang ipar saya selalu pesan benda tu. Apatah lagi kita yang duduk dekat dengan mak ayah ni...

Alhamdulillah masa kerja Auditor rajin buat camtu. Aku tak buat camtu kat sahabat-sahabat, dan aku tak nak rasa bersalah sebab tak dapat luangkan masa dengan sahabat, sebab the battle within yourself is so brutal. So alhamdulillah at least aku dapat luangkan masa dengan mak ayah.

Tapi sekarang bila kerja yang ni, disiplin saya dengan masa tiada. Jadinya, jadi tak sempat nak jenguk. Macam-macam alasan dalam kepala. Allah. Apa la perasaan Mak Ayah. Aku tak salahkan sesiapa tapi diri sendiri. 

Memang benar akan hilang satu nikmat bila mak ayah takde. Sekarang memang rasa takde apa, tapi bila aku bayangkan benda tu, memang perit. Tapi walaupun dah bayangkan benda tu, masih di takuk yang sama. 

Jadi, apa masalahnya di sini? Diri sendiri. Diri sendiri.

#75

Dude. Today a viewer and supporter asked about me being praised. Like masyaaAllah. I know I have a good answer or debate on that. But I couldn't answer it well that really really comes from my heart. Okay not come from my heart, I mean the serious answer like what I'm about to write right now.

"Erin tak suka pujian ke? Like cakap awak cantik comey dan sebagai nya?"

I like praises. And it's human nature to like good things and praises. And of course this is also true:

Mungkin Allah temukan saya ke awak untuk puji awak untuk buat awak lebih semangat, kita tak tahu orang tu down yesterday ke apa ke thats why puji orang supaya bersemangat dan more confident with what they have 

Like *check*. It's true, brother. Praises are not wrong. Allahu, if something makes a person feel better, then that's good! But why I'm afraid of praises, is that I'm afraid of myself. I know, I well know that Allah SWT is above everything. But I'm always afraid of myself, of my heart, of the evil in me. That sifat riak is damn real, walaupun sebesar zahrah. It always creeps me in the littlest noises in my head and the cure for it is to istighfar. 

Talking again about praises and boosting people's confidence, bringing them up when they feel down, that's absolutely true. Yes I've witnessed that some people need it because they are not confident with themselves when actually they look good. 

But me, it's hard to handle praises. Takut diri terlampau bangga, melupakan siapa yang Esa. And I'm so awkward at receiving praises about my looks. Like, what should I say, yakno? I'm not the kind of person who response like, "Aww gorlll you're prettier!" "Thank you cantikkk" "No, you're prettier!" "Biasa2 je". Like masyaaAllah. "Biasa2 je" pun macam dah deny and reject people's praises and Allah's creation (you). So that's why I just say masyaaAllah. What more do I need to say? Every time people praise, like I get it sooo many times I just afraid that it's a too repetitive response that it'd become awkward. But I just don't know what more I can say xD 

But really, I don't despise it, like, I won't tell people, stop praising me, I hate you, stop. No, I accept it, and praise back to Allah. And thank the people who praise for being so kind.

Also, posting stuff on social media? You can't run from praises. 'Cause posts are like invitation of praises, yaknow? Even when you just wanna post something and with a mindful caption. People say what they wanna say, so it's up to us on how to react to praises. 

One of the things that AA talked about, in two emails, is about being kind, show appreciation to your loves ones, give thanks and give credit. 

So alhamdulillah. 

Tbh, not to boast, but I know I have good looks. That's why praises on my looks don't affect me. Because I'm afraid I will be berlagak. Like look at me, bask in my glory. Like, no. Haha. 

So the kind of praises that moves me are those praises on my character. Like, I am so not peramah in real life and it's hard to be that in front of camera. Or maybe praises on other than my looks. My laugh, my voice. Both of these mostly affect me if you praise me on that. Like really, it's an honour. Like masyaaAllah alhamdulillah Allah has made me this way. So what do I do with it?

Like, you won't look young forever. Eventually when you reach a certain age for example 60s, you'd still look like 30s, not the 19s. You get what I mean? Youth is not forever. So use what you have right now the right way, for the sake of Allah. So if you are the type that does not age well, you'd be grateful that you have served well for the community or your family, and even yourself (which is the most important). 

I feel like sharing this tomorrow on stream after Subuh, insyaaAllah :D

#73

Ha doesn't read anymore coz he wants me to be and practice to be more expressive verbally like lol ok whatever. Imma just continue writing and journaling because like I said, since I was a kid, writing makes me feel better like it's a therapy. It's like a love letter to Allah too. 

Anyway I wanna talk about how negatively moved I am when someone make a TT content about me, defeating a "top global". Malas nak cakap banyak sini buat masa sekarang sebab dah borak dengan Ha. 

So but then, thinking again about it, I should not be looking at praises too. Like, treat those two just the same, triumph and disaster. 

And Ha also said, on the bright side, I am that worthy to be made a content on TT, that someone is so proud to defeat me. Lagi lagi perempuan xD

And tengok video tu, dapat banyak views sebab mention my name, and yes Allah has moved it but yeah. The name came from Him too. So yup.

#72

"dc dah berhabuk"

I've known that but when someone said it out loud, it hurts my feels so Imma delete that for me. 

Sigh I hate it 

#71

We have achieved everything that we wish for in this dunya, the worldly matters, that we have felt that we're already in a perfect condition, to the extent that... we just feel lost :( Allahu.

I mean, of course, I know. I even mention "dunya". Yes, we still lack of akhirah. With the time we have, the luxury of time. We should be doing more to seek His pleasure. 

How hard it is to take that one baby step.

I know I already took that one baby step. But I'm just at a stagnant stage now.

But then. I just wanna say... all these negative feelings I feel, is because I feel lost because of we're in a perfect condition. (Despite not having a kid yet).

Well, that's that.

#70

This. And another thing that has been running through my mind is about... community. 

I've known it from the start. But it gave a huge impact and pang of realisation when I saw how people are so into Discord to build a community and share things.

Like... I knew from the start, that I couldn't build a community, like other streamers, like AA too. What I strive to do when I first signed up, or even when I have wished so long ago since school, is to just be.

Be the best that I can be, a good example to people. Without me needing to say much... because I lack that, truth to be said. InsyaaAllah just by showing that, it affects people in a positive way. I'm not good with motivation words, words of wisdom, words of advise. I'm just... me.

If you wanna hang on discord, I wouldn't want to, because I wouldn't be comfortable with you. You are outside of my bubble. 

Unless, as usual, if there's a person whom I so comfortable with being there, and I just join in, and stay there without saying a thing. I'm that person. 

If I'm not yet comfortable with you, I only talk when there the two of us. But if I'm already comfy with you, I'd talk to you even when there are many people in the room. 

Sorry, but I like comfort zone. And subhanallah. If you're a comfort zone even when the first time we hang, you get that aura. 

I just need to convince myself that numbers don't matter. You post things not to impress people, but to have good in yourself. (example, IG stats)

I also need to convince myself that it's okay that I couldn't get a community, especially on discord. Because... that's just you. Things around you reflect of who you are. And that's what you wish anyway. But if some people are together because of Him, through me, then masyaaAllah.

#69

Yes, an introvert can thrive in anything. Doesn't mean you need to change to be an extrovert. 

Yes, maybe even though in a way that you still maintain your modesty, that you could still be out there and be more well-known and well-liked. 

But Allahu, I have been doing this for more than 2 years and... I have not improved so much on that part. Also, prior to this, 3 years of working in corporate world did not help.

So, what I'm saying here, that alhamdulillah, even though I could not be out there to be in big events like the allstar funmatch, alhamdulillah still.

We tend to forget the blessings and opportunities that we already had. Manusia mudah lupa. Bila dah dapat, tak bersyukur sepenuhnya, maka rasa sedikit tamak dan nak lagi lebih dari itu. Mula lah rasa kecewa. Mula lah rasa I'm not good enough. 

The blessings that I'm talking about here is that, we actually had the chance to experience to be in such show even though it was a bad experience. 

Just in one year, from zero, from a nobody, not even a pro-player, not even an instafamous, to become a somebody out there. And to take into account that me, being an introvert, difficult to mingle around, has become somebody out there. Even when I don't say much, even when I don't share much, even when I don't motivate or inspire much. Because Allahu, that's what I think I can do best, to show good manners even though I'm not peramah. 

Coz dude, I'm not good with small talks and a crowd, even with my real friends. But I'm always chatty when it's just the two of us. I mean like, if you're judging, it's just only you who's judging. There's no third person. So yea. Thank you for anyone who bear with my awkwardness xD

And to be fair, they have been around out there longer than I do. They are active out there. People already know them, so it's fair that they have more reach and engagement. While I have only been here for more than 2 years. 

So.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

#68

I wanted to share something. I forgot what it was. One thing, was about the fact that I couldn't sit tight, peacefully. Like, something's not right. 

Means... I'm the kind of person who needs something to do xD Which I don't want to be this way but welp

#67 charity

I hate how to move forward, I need to... show people that I do good especially in charity :( Yes with good intention etc, it can be done. but really. I hate to be out there for that.

#66

I want to say, that today, I strongly feel that I have failed as a friend. Not only in this small circle of friends in streaming world, but also outside of it.

But then, when I think about it again, I have failed many times over... and I've let that break my heart over and over again. It's definitely not them, but it's me-

Whom maybe is also overthinking. 

But I'm just saying. I'm just letting this out, without knowing how to comfort myself. Myself is out of words. Le sigh

#65

When I started, I knew I couldn't have a 'community'. I just want to spread good and that's all. I'm no good in engaging with people, keeping in touch with people, keeping people like #friendsforkeeps.

They are indeed friends for keeps. But I know I don't have the ability to do so. Effort, affection, and love show through your actions. But simply, I just don't. 

I am this way. It may be even weird being this way to the most important persons in your life, your parents. But maybe my mom and dad know their child so well, that they are okay on how we keep in touch with them. 

InsyaaAllah to my parents, I'm doing more than usual no text or call for more than 6 months. I think I used to do that... realising how wasted time I had not keeping in touch with my parents.

All I'm saying is, I hope I don't get drowned in worries of how so little engagement that "my" "community" has. They say, your character attracts the kind of same trait as you. So maybe that's that.

#64

Sometimes when I feel like I'm losing friends, I'm like, or is it me? Is it me who's not moving on with my life? Moving on, as in, not going to another phase of life? Is it necessary to go to another stage of life? Or just doing new things suffice? Like, there's so much to learn in this world. Isn't that counted as moving on too? Improve in yourself? 

Why do I worry that my friends are slowly going away because they have moved on to another phase of life?

I shouldn't. In fact, they are still your friends. They are still in your prayers. Good times in the past. It's okay that you couldn't relive it. You find something else to find yourself, again and again. 

I'm rambling lol

Sigh. In the end, it will always be with Allah SWT. In Him you find solace.

I just remembered the word 'sahabat'. Sohabat. To pronounce it correctly too. Heard this lecture on IKIM.fm. How beautiful is the Arabic language. Ada maksud bahasa dan juga maksud istilah. 

Sohabat > Rakan 

I'd love to think... even though I don't ask my friends for help, or so rarely, that I do have sohabats. 

Indirectly each of them reminds me of Allah. That suffice. Alhamdulillah.

#63

You know. Alhamdulillah for everything. Allahu Akbar.

Yes. For today. I feel.. okay. I feel good even, right now. While listening to Stay by Kid Laroi. 

Maybe it's the PMS but well, alhamdulillah still. Tomorrow will be puasa tasu'a. Approaching good things.

Also, today, good stats, good friends, good companies, good mood, good song.

A few things that I love today.
- Got the opportunity to gift my dear Teha,
- then our agent delivered good news which is our cover photo and profile photo. In which he advised to post at when my audience is at most active but... I couldn't wait so I just changed hahahaha sorry. I actually thought of that audience and engagement thing but please, malas nak tunggu uwu
- despite knowing some truth about me, some people really just stay <3 
- my family got my cookies
- my supporter bought the new cookies! First customer everrr alhamdulillah
- my supporter is okay with the new cookies
- good food, good chef

Thank you husband <3

Also, I miss mom and dad haha

Praying that I'm able to make it home this weekend!

#62

Okay so I got it after I performed Maghreb. But still I refuse to think this was all PMS. Hm >:(

And I just posted a promise that I will be live tomorrow morning... while right now as I'm typing, as usual... the period pain is a huge pain in the ass *sobs*

Ya Allah, please ease our day today and tomorrow and especially during our livestream.

Also, I notice that I hate to be in a surrounding where it is so negative, like ada maki hamun sana sini, dengan mencarutnya. Allahu. Just think how bad it feels for kids in a house to be in that situation everyday :(

I hope my presence give people good feelings instead of resentment. 

But you know what? It can't be just kids. Adults are humans too. We deserve to be in a positive surrounding. Really. Hm

#61

I know my menstruation period is near. But I just woke up crying. After I read some texts. 

I responded by allowing huge emotion of disappointment of myself pouring in my soul. When in fact... it's just human nature to do mistakessssssssss hasjdkfhajksldhfjkas is it PMS? I refuse to think so.

Also, I highly believe that I'm not mentally ill or depressed or kena saka. I'm normal insyaaAllah. It's just that I pamper myself too much. 

This' my struggle. I know it looks silly. I'm just... meh -.-

#60

No one can mend yourself but yourself. Of course you keep praying to Him and just move on. But it hurts. It hurts thinking you don't deserve the people around you. To think you failed to create a safe space for them. No one is in favour of you. I can't say much. I like to be out there, but that's it. I serve no purpose. Nothing you get is beneficial from me. 

But feeling this way is unfair. Because I have everything. It's like mocking the gifts you've been given. 

Maybe it's the guilt that has been piling up since. 

#59

Maybe I'm not affected by the death of an artist because... I just don't follow her life story and also her story the moment we were all told she was affected by covid. 

But my supporter, Ag*us, I was indeed affected. And today I had a question going through my mind, how is it that dia terbuka hati untuk jadi supporter. 8 March 2021. I mean, I really don't remember going to his life stream before that date, or even gift him stars. I'm just. Allah has sent good people our way. MasyaaAllah. Subhanallah. To get to know him even just a little, even just on the surface, feels so honoured.

Allah wants to remind me that, you are needed, you are not useless, He created you with Love, you should not look down upon yourself. 

We tend to forget, every day when we wake up. So that's why, every day when you wake up, you say alhamdulillah, immediately remember Him, renew your intentions. 

Agus is an example of whom has entered my life without even having a conversation with me, but still giving an impact to my life. One obvious reason is his death. There are so many more small things that I came across, that might have also given impact to me, even when I didn't realise it then and now. Alhamdulillah still.

It just reminds me, of how everyone that knows me, and that if I notice them too, without knowing their names, that... each of them has an impact in my life, has a purpose. 

Like my friends from SG, I don't actually have long conversations with them, but only some brief ones. And casually doing research of their background, somehow, maybe, that has positive impact on my life.

It's things like that, yakno. Whatever bad people, my friends do, I just pray for them, and I take the good things from them, learn the good things from them. That's how I cherish a friendship even when people don't know or don't notice xD

Honestly tiha and aunty are always at the back of my mind and in my prayers. They linger there even though I don't actually consciously pray or think of them. Get it? Haha

So, alhamdulillah. 

Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't

#58

Okay. It's still about death. But not my friend. 

It's about my silly principle, that, when I die, I don't want people to know. 

But Ha said, no, you can't be like that. Orang barat je fikir macam ni.

In fact, spreading the news of death is a kebaikan. It's the dua from people for the dead that is a good thing. Lagi-lagi orang ulama'. 

Ha told me again, there was a person asking UAI, takpe ke orang terlampau memuji/memuja orang yang dah meninggal? UAI replied that it's good, orang mendoakan dia, dan takde orang nak buka aib dia, cakap buruk pasal dia, tapi hanya kebaikan yang telah ditinggalkan.

And you know what? People praying for the dead, their prayers, di-amin-kan juga oleh para malaikat kepada diorang balik. Also cerita kebaikan pasal seseorang dan juga doakannya, mengingatkan juga kita kepada mati. 

That's what I think. 

I just... Allahu akbar. How I wish just no one knows of my death but Allah knows best ^^"

#57 death

Dude. Reflection of today. A supporter, a friend, lost his life today. 

It affects me, because maybe I wanted to know him more. Bulan ni, ada niat untuk bagi dia gift. Tapi rupanya dia tengah fight for his life. 

I might not have looked at his struggle as a serious situation, but I still wished him to get well soon. 

Sorry, but I couldn't express how I actually feel... this is not exactly what I wanted to share lol tak sampai ke point dia. 

Anyways. Really, death is inevitable. And you don't know when. You just don't know. So what you can do is remember death, but also continue to do good to please Him, move on with your life. Pray and live life so that when you die, you have tried your best, so that you leave this world in a condition that Allah is pleased with you, amin. 

That's why some people seem strong, just go on with life. Because of the ultimate reason, to please Allah. 

Nevertheless, you can not ignore the sad negative things you are feeling. Toxic positivity is not the way. Acknowledge it. It's how you deal with it. But of course, easier said than done. What you can do is be there for the person. Be there for yourself too.

#56

Of course I want a good relationship with 'employer'. I just asked without the intention to ajak gaduh :( Am I wrong though? If I'm wrong, then maybe it's only wrong in terms of how I question what they do.

I hope I improve in social skills. Sigh

#55

I am so well aware that my struggles are not as bad as other people's problems that I know of. What more if I compare to our Prophet SAW. I know that I am privileged, like, apa je struggles aku? Camtu la. 

But that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the what-I-think-are small tests. Because Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286). To me, all these small test are a struggle, man. In my shoes, in my own situation. That you could not compare mine to yours, vice versa. Though I will always admit that others have it worst. 

It makes me feel so scared, that I'm categorised in having istidraj. 

But you know what? Alhamdulillah that even writing this, Allah has shown me, moved my heart to realise and recognise of this so I am aware and scared to disobey Him. Allahu.

#54

I was feeling empty. I told that straight up to Ha. I don't know. I just miss being in the zone, feeling His barakah, that feeling. That feeling is sooo hard to obtain :( So I asked to solat jemaah with him. It's one of the effort that I can do to obtain that and masyaaAllah, I did, even if it so small. I barely felt it tbh. Like my head and heart were not there. But that's what it's all about. To gain that hidayah, that sweetness of Islam and His Love, you need to make an effort. It doesn't come just like that, I guess. 

I can't blame anyone. I seldom read the Quran. I guess I never read after Ramadhan :( Even if I say this now on blog, I don't know when I will start again.

But, let's pray that whenever we think about Quran, we try to reach out to it, and read even for one ayah. Amin. 

Also, to topup the effort, I finally joined weekly class on AA Plus, but just to listen to it. Usually I will join, but go AWOL. But now, I'm here for the reflections, and I got some, alhamdulillah. Of course, I feel lazy to listen to everything. So I persuaded my heart to let's try and stay for a while, and listen to some.

Alhamdulillah, I learned something from this class today, even if it's just a bit.

#53

Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I received an email notification from my favourite streamer :') saying a parcel is scheduled to be shipped soon. 

I don't know why, but I just genuinely smiled and almost cried. Because... I had a rough day. Despite we've won the next round, I hated myself during towards the end of our stream (which was before our tournament).

So this notification really made my day even if it's at the eleventh hour (11:55pm). The email was at 9pm though, I just checked it just now. 

Small things like this really make someone's day. Alhamdulaillah. Jzkk ga*ba ^^

Eventhough I don't show it, I'm a fangirl of her haha

#52

Dude I feel so overwhelmed going back to reading gossips. So tired :( I hate it. I hate the feeling of anger and heavy disappointment. 

What more that I hated myself for comparing myself with other streamers, because of who used to always be there, already gone, but not on them. 

So I'm irrelevant. As long as I don't do more, I'm irrelevant.

Talking about the gossips, I'm sad that people are that way. Sigh. I'll just close that chapter again and ignore everything.

I was already overwhelmed with EL and Cap, now these fellas, Apple & C. I'm just gonna stop. It ain't good for my mental health. 

#51

For the first time in my 28 years of life, I think, this is the first time that I actually felt this way, and acknowledging it, and realise about it. 

I was overwhelmed about stuff and there were so many things to do. I just wanted to cry and sleep. 

I realised that I wanted to run away from my problems. To shut everything down first then only come back to it. Where actually there are ways to solve the problems. I've been feeling like this so many times before but I don't acknowledge it well. I even come across soooo many quotes online about running away from your problems, but I don't acknowledge that I've always been there. So now, I finally see it. Subhanallah.

When I cried, I wanted to let it out by posting it here. But also then I voiced it out to Ha, "Bye, I want to cry and sleep." And he replied, "WHY?!".

So instead of just keeping it to myself or jotting it down here, I took my time, sat beside him, and slowly tell all the problems running in my head.

Your favourite soul will never judge and always understands, through His guidance.

Sometimes we think we already know the answers, but we don't. There are always small things that we overlooked. And alhamdulillah for the conversation. 

For my own note: This' about cookies and Quickie sesh.

#50

I feel useless. I’m sorry my dear lovely caring husband. You’re not at fault. I’m just a problem to solve. Trying to be positive in everything that’s happening. 

#49

 I just thought about pet peeves and reminded me of Mad.

Some of our pet peeves are similar.

For now I could think of:

- Really bad unalligned teeth
- Bad grammar, like even the simplest example, 'you depends on someone'. Dude, no D':

So yup haha

#48

 Oh Allah, please keep me steadfast in thanking You for everything that has happened in my life. 

Everything that people praised me for, is because of You. MasyaaAllah.

I can't sit still right now because of the praises and notifications coming in. There will be challenges in the future, or people who don't like you in secret. So just pray for the best. Remember Allah. 

I'm about to write thank you letter for supporters now. Just a short wish to be sent on WhatsApp.

Also, yesterday's AA email on 17th June 2021, Aida said,

Whenever I need to "offload" certain emotions that are overwhelming me, I'll either write it out or talk it out with Allah SWT on the prayer mat through a Dua. As we go on with our day to day, we will pick up or develop certain feelings that we can't quite explain what it is, and I think sharing it with Allah SWT really helps process it all.

So MasyaaAllah. it's the same. We journalise our du'a. 

Update. 

Tbh I’m so overwhelmed by the comments coming in rn. It’ll die down eventually. Just like any other photos I’ve been posting. But... I need to chill and learn to chill. 

Sigh 😔 

#47

Bila call ayah masa sedar, ayah cakap sempurnakan kerja disana kerana Allah. Hidup ini satu perjuangan.

— Ebit Lew

I loooove his dad's advices. I never (or forgotten about) Dad's advices. Because I seldom call him. I miss Ayah. Why am I not calling Ayah -.-

#46

I’ve come to a conclusion on how people would feel in general when they see me playing ML. 

I can safely say that it’d be the same as how I’d feel when I am beside Ha when he’s playing games while I’m doing something else. When he gets mad or frustrated or just negative feelings over the game, I’d feel the negative vibes. In a way he’s emitting negative vibes.

That’s where it’s bad for viewers. If I show that how Ha did to my surrounding, then my stream wouldn’t be as fun. 

So what I need to do? Be happy. 

#45

Dude. If I’m not happy then how do I entertain people. I mean it’s achievable but inside I just don’t feel good. I want to feel at least peace before I try to stream. 

Please Erin, never go out there not putting the best smile you can give. Think of the people out there. Think of Allah SWT. 

I felt low today. I felt lower when I see others are improving in their own way but I know it would be the way that I would not follow. 

I’m not good at words as a “motivator” but I try to convey it the best way that I can, taking into consideration of different perspectives. 

I was angry at Ha because he’s happy while I couldn’t be happy when I’m with him. But then I pujuk myself, alhamdulillah that he’s happy, that I should be happy that he’s happy. So you’ll just need to find your own solace. And it’s okay. 

It was indeed a misunderstanding. And I’m glad I pujuk myself before I got angrier. 

Anger and patience are my problems now. Ya Allah please grant me patience and realisation that you love those who are sabr.

#44

Subhanallah. AA's email today got me feel soooo masyaaAllah.

One, it's about AA suggesting us to journal our week, or just telling Allah SWT about it. And yes, last night, I did just that! Journaling with the intention to tell Allah. Because I kinda dislike to just say it without writing it down. Writing things down make things seem clearer to myself insyaaAllah.

Second, it's about a du'a for people who make dua's in secret for you. Like masyaaAllah :') I've been struggling thinking what can I do for people who secretly do something for me. Like who else knows and who else can reward them? Allah. May Allah reward them in abundance. Amin. 

#43

 So many things to reflect today.

I was distracted with work, I should have stopped and reflected instead. Sorry, dear Erin.

One of it was the most recent, that I got to attend tadarus today, but I didn't recite, just went for the reflection xD Sorry though I really honestly love reflection at this point because Astaghfirullahalzim, I couldn't make myself to read the Quran today. So yeah. I was listening to the reflection while I was browsing Facebook anyway. May Allah still reward me for my efforts ><

But yea I got to learn there are a few girls who are working as external and internal auditors, and also now an ex. And being an ex, having more time for yourself, i.e. joining AA Plus alhamdulillah.

Earlier, I didn't listen to a reflection that was going on, but suddenly Aida was giving like a quiz and I like to interact and bacot so she was asking from 1 to 10, what is your patience level. I answered 3. Beacuse Allahu, I've been impatient since Ramadhan. Allahu Akbar. Can't deny that it must be something that I want in this dunya that I couldn't get... Always pray for patience, for sabr.

The next one is when my favourite streamer, ga*ba said thank you to me, saying, "Terima kasih Erinnn. Mesti Erin tak tahu apa Erin buat kan tapi terima kasihh." Something like that and she left me in wonder. Like, subhanallah, whatever that I have helped... alhamdulillah, it's from Allah. 

Then another streamer, idk who he is but he was on my explore or maybe shared by a friend so it appeared on my timeline, that, he was happy when I stopped by. Dude, I like to make people happy and smileeeeee <3 The joy in them makes me feel happy too alhamdulillah masyaaAllah.

Then today's ranking session during live stream alhamdulillah it was good. I learnt while I stream and that's good. Met Mal*i (Ziq) in same team, then Tom*n and Ach*ai as opponent. And the fact that how Ach*ai kinda underestimated me being in low rank, lower than MG 600 points xD because he's 1k points while T is 700ish. Like dude, can't I be high ranking? Haha. Also he was like, popol ni tak kacau, yang kacaunya Beatr*ix. Like dude, I jaga my carry baik punya, buka-buka map, stun, amek orang belakang, poke, so that my Beatr only died once. See, people don't look at tank's sacrifice. Haha

Oh and then after the game with Mal*i, he stopped by me stream and said "Hi Estes" :3 So another friend checked!

I'm so overwhelmed by everything alhamdulillah.

I got takoyaki today. I got to finish tomyam today. I got a streamer's merch!

Also, thanks to my beloved VIPs that they respond positively on the lanyard designs. 

Okay time to hit the sack.

And I don't know from where, but my mind goes back to my parents. I pray you both are in the pink, always <3

#42

I actually have another concern today. 

I think that people see me as a low knowledge person. Like, I don't have input on many things. If I do, I don't show it, I don't post it, on my photo captions, or on my IG stories. 

Like dude, you see me here, talking about everything and yet what I say on my business IG or FB is only that. 

Sometimes I talk about things during live stream, but I don't fully discuss it, only talk about it on the surface. 

Because, what actually do we want to achieve?

Spreading good.
Tak borak kosong.
Tak sampaikan benda tak pasti.

In the end, I couldn't speak entirely freely. I do speak freely, and I know how to. Like, I will say it's my opinion and also I would know that it's logic and not cause any racism or whatever negative things. 

#41

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

So watching how Kim RS*'s CCV has risen up got me in the feels to be honest. Coz they won the season, there's a mic check where he was the funniest, he's playing some surah or qaseedah as background music (good for him, he seems to be prone to that since he always share posts about the deen), and lately for a few months or days he has constantly streamd after Subuh like what I have done.

His views skyrocketed. Rezeki dia. Rezeki awal pagi lepas subuh. Tapi rasanya dia dah live sebelum subuh lagi.

Also, if not about all those struggles and work mentioned above, it's his rezq. 

Seeing this, if even I was announced as one of them as a content creator, I won't put my hopes too high.

This thing was lingering in my mind last night. Like I couldn't sleep because of it. 

It's already hard to meet the watch minutes required. So to get that partnership for the next year? I pray so. If that's the best for us, ya Allah, ya Muhaimin. To be honest I only started doing things for myself just this year. No more depending on our friend or even the significant other. Only depend on Allah, but seek for help and advice.

At the end of the day, it's you who need to go through it. 

So what I'm telling myself is, you need to chill, do your best. Don't neglect your responsibility for W*VS. 

I know I have a whole lot potential that I haven't shown or nurture or hone to get that popularity. A good kind of popularity. Just to spread good. In the end I just wanna help people. 

It felt so bad in August 2020, but May 2021 is the worst. We might go worst than this but only Allah knows best. Again, I just need to move forward and give my best to serve the community. Like Adli said, this is good for the community.

And like speakpureislam said, we need to talk to ourselves out of something or into something. 

That's what I always do. To convince yourself not to do or do.

May Allah guide us on the right path.

#40

Right. I guess I'm no different than an evil person. I'm not kind. I'm not a good person. I have no empathy. I'm sorry. I'm always a burden.

It's always me who cause conflicts and destructions. I wish I'm gone so I don't hurt the people I love. 

Yes, I can't. Life must go on, and there is hereafter. 

I just really hate it when it happens. I just don't know what to do in this world. 

I'm irrelevant. How dare a friend says, you wish me raya, hence you're not irrelevant. Dude, that just means I'm irrelevant.

I'm glad people are starting to unlike me. I hope more people do. Until there's no one left. 

And I'm sorry if those who support me, read this. Because I just feel irrelevant. 

#39

 I wanted to share on my profile about these two posts.

Kosmo on E*SI Tournament for Ladies

MyGame*On on WR Tournament

but then I thought... what's the purpose and intention? I really wanna renew my intention on that, to inspire, but I'm afraid that it will eat me up inside, that it can take over me. So I let it pass, but save it as PDF for my memoir. Haha

Also I'm here because I wanna talk about something. About the conflict between Isr and Pales.tine. I know the basis but I just wanna know why they insist and still argue. 

It's like how I was searching for the answer about why Allah SWT even bother to create us all? I wasn't asking the purpose why we live, but why, The Most Greatest, want to create us? Yup. There's a story behind it, and alhamdulillah I accept it.

I mean, sorry for being curious, like pondering and reflecting ^^" 

So I pray that Allah increase us in knowledge.

#38

You see how I’m so worried everyday about being out there? I look at numbers and when it doesn’t hit a certain level, I’d be somehow down and affected by it. But then I really pray that I don’t and really trying hard not to care.

Maybe it’s the wish. Maybe it’s the quality of the photo. Maybe it’s just me already being irrelevant.

Whatever it is, dear Erin, syukr. Alhamdulillah. It’s a test in this dunya.

Focus on obtaining His redha and blessings.

#37

To have this realisation about hereafter and jihad, like really see it, almost to complete realisation, is a blessing. Like masyaaAllah. I've gained so many during Ramadhan when I thought I'm just the same person before.

Like what I saw a post on IG explore, what I can do in my control, is being a good person, a good Muslim, a good servant of Allah, and make lots of dua for our brothers and sisters. That is our jihad here, if going there physically is out of our control. And Allah sees our deeds even as big as zarah, a particle. 

And what I have, the things I see, ponder and reflect, most people don't see it, especially during this end of time (akhir zaman). I mean, there are a lot more that I don't know, but Allah grant me this realisation and I'm always sharing it with my husband. 

I am a sinner. I sin. But I have the realisation. So it scares me. But still you need to have faith in Allah.

The approach to the people in this era is just, be good to people, show goodness and kindness, pray that there are no ill thoughts and that we do this for the sake of Allah.

I've been feeling this way since I had to read the translations of Quran because I was in menstruation. I never did. Although I only read the surface, and not dive into deep on the bigger meaning of the stories in the Quran, I still get what basically it is trying to say. So I hope I am always reminded, always turning to Quran, as Quran is a reminder to us. I pray it's not just during Ramadhan, but until the end of dunya.

So it also scares me for my brothers and sisters, but I try, the least I can do, is just do good.

Actually, I am here, because I feel empty. Like I have nothing else to do, like I'm also scared for tomorrow to work, because streaming, putting myself out there is just something else. If it was Ramadhan, I'll be trying to read the Quran and its translations. I did some, but some stories are just too heavy that I have to stop ^^"

The other reason I'm here is because people are busy beraya. Video-calling each other (because of covid) or physically visiting each other. So here we don't have anything else to do. Because everyone has their own thing. Don't tell me do activities with your husband. Dude, we do everything together. 24/7. I NEED PEOPLE.

I feel guilty to reach out more to my girls because I don't feel I deserve their little time. So a wish would suffice I guess. 

You know what, since I'm here, let's talk about the blessings of today. 

Subhanallah. SO MANY. Although it only lasted from Subuh to 12pm, still, alhamdulillah.

- I woke up for Subuh! 
- Dua rakaat before Subuh
- I was able to do this because of my eagerness to really, really Solat Raya because from what I can remember, I only did twice in my lifetime. One was in Melbourne, two was in Perak. And I can't even remember the sweetness of those, or if I have ever felt that sweetness, if I have ever felt to appreciate Aidil Fitri.
- I learnt about Sunnah on Aidil Fitri, which alhamdulillah we have done most of it. It's sunnah to wish each other <3 <3 Subhanallah, how I have neglected that because I thought it's just another day~
- Another sunnah, eat before solat raya!
- Another, wearing new clothing.
- To be able to video call my in-laws
- WhatsApp video call with my parents <3 How they looked so happy that we did :') :'( <3
- Husband cooked mihun xD
- Sister in-law sent us laksa dan nasi goreng sedap!!!
- Makan nasi goreng for dinner and also teh tarik! Bless everyone who cooks for people from their heart <3

Welp. Alhamdulillah

#36

بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Honestly I've been so down with the numbers and statistics in this live streaming world on Facebook. The hint of being in stunted growth was there since July 2020. It's the worst today. But still alhamdulillah not back to how it was before December 2019. I should be more thankful.

Because now, people know us. But people refuse to watch us. I'm there on the right time, but not the right month. Mornings in Ramadhan. And maybe I'm not as semangat as I used to be in previous two or three months. Where is the loud Erin that people know? I mean, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm still that loud person but statistics tell otherwise.

Look at G. He's consistent. But subhanallah, I couldn't do some of what he does. It's against my faith and beliefs. Some things like teka-teki or giveaways, that can be taken into account again. 

And I don't know how A'an just said the right words at the right time without her knowing the context. Allah really knows. I didn't even pray to have someone to say something to me. I just felt so low. And Sara Nat*lia came into picture, that made me ask An about her instead of other persons. Which has lead to her just saying what she thinks, because of the things that I just casually wanted to share with her. 

It's because I have been feeling impatient lately. I do not blame menstruation. Nope. This feeling this time, is just so immense I could not handle it. I cried when I started reading the Quran today. Allahu, alhamdulillah for my husband who always prays me well, so that I'm granted sabr. 

And a friend who wishes the same for me. 

And maybe, this impatience radiates through my stream, the negativity in me, radiates, even it seems like people see good, but I don't feel so. I just want goodness for people.

And that's another thing.

Being an entertainer in live streaming. In Ramadhan. It seems as though at night, 12am+ is the best time (which is also a good time outside Ramadhan). But knowing that it's Ramadhan. Allahu. What more good you could do but to turn to Allah? 

Side note:

All the things I write here in blogs or in anywhere in private, I do it with a niat to tell Him. So that I can see the written words of my concerns in this world and my self being. It's not about complaining about life, telling the whole world. No, it's like journaling your thoughts, just like how some AA Champs do it. If by any chance anyone is benefited from these, then alhamdulillah. I hope these only bring you good and reflect.

So despite from me being impatient, the timing for me to live stream in Ramadhan is just not right. I don't like to disturb the night where you get closer to Allah, to do more ibadah, instead of watching me playing games or talking of some sort other than remembrance of Allah. I just want people to be reminded of Allah. 

Being in menstruation this year in Ramadhan is a blessing because I have never read translations of the Quran so focused. Like now alhamdulillah Allah has moved me to do so, when He knows that I could not bear doing tadarus with people. But still praying that my hard heart to be open to it. That's why I just make myself present without even hearing them because there is barakah even when you are present in an event like that. That's what Adli said, that's what Aida said.

So yeah. I pray we'll meet lailatul qadar. Amin.

#35

Dude I think my short conversations with mom have so many gems. But chats before marriage were all deleted :(

I mean, why I feel so sad? Because Mom is like multi-role and multi-talented person. Like, she's like a doctor, she knows why you get stomach ache, because of certain food.

And advises and gems like these are so sweet and helpful.

How do I live without mom T_T

#34

The other day I was thinking about wedding makeups for the bride. Because last Monday 12th April maybe, was a nikah day for our famous manager and player, and his famous girlfriend.

So the photos were published and damn, personally, to me, she didn't look good. She looks so much better with her own makeup. Like... all wedding makeups are like that?? WHY???? Why wedding makeups are so similar and not pretty? xD 

If someone were to say I looked so pretty when it was my wedding in Ganu, you're lying, I don't care. I won't believe you. I hated that makeup haha. 

#33

Whenever I successfully refrained myself from releasing my anger, I feel so thankful and relieved. Like alhamdulillah Allah SWT has granted me sabr, has granted His servant a reminder to self to istighfar, has granter His servant to remember Him. 

I have a history and kinda come from my family, of having anger management issue. Not something big, but big enough to affect our own little lives. 

It's my dad. Not to aibkan dia. But masyaaAllah Dad has changed since he started getting closer to Allah. I can also see that through my brother whom he was also seemed distant, but now is so gentle, just looking at how he talks and treats his kids now. Allahu. Bless him.

I told my colleague of how I was so unsatisfied with our Auditor because it took them a month to get back to me just to tell there is a difference in the opening balance. In which if I was in his shoes, I'd complete it in just a day. A DAY. 

But then I asked him first of his workings and details and such. I decided to not bombard him with angry words but instead solve the problem first. And alhamdulillah, I got to prove him the difference and the adjustments I have made to tally to audited balance, just because I ask him for his workings (prior to further discussions).

And that's why, I feel so thankful and relieved that I did not get angry at him. 

I  know sometimes you gotta say it, the mistakes of others, but... my dear self Erin, sorry but I just couldn't. I know my colleague would be kind of frustrated that I'm this way but I'm sorry, girl, I'm trying xD

But really, it's a good feeling to know that I have decided to refrain from saying something. Because kerana mulut badan binasa, and terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya.

#33

 Dude as usual I was bored so I scrolled IG then FB for some good stuff and positive vibes.

Then there's a streamer, using her profile, sharing gender centric stuff or is it stereotype? Yeah that one. Like... girl, no. I don't like it. Well actually some topic about stereotype I agree, looking at many perspectives. But those two shared posts... nah. Enough is enough. I unfollowed her xD

One was about, that it's lucky for women who have soft voices because people are at ease with them. Jadinya, suara perempuan yang halus ni untung, senang nak hidup. And her caption? She has harsh voice that people think when talking to them, she wants to quarrel. 

Dude, you can have a big voice but be soft spoken. Like, how else a MAN can be soft spoken? It's how you talk. But then, it's not wrong if your nature doesn't talk softly. You just can't change it. I know your caption and other comments are saying those, but that doesn't mean that you are against your own voice, maybe you accept it. But on the surface, you kind of are portraying to other women to feel bad about your voice. When it's actually completely normal to have big husky deep voices. 

Allahu. Kalau nak kata siapa lagi untung, untuk personal opinion yang berat sebelah, untung lagi jadi perempuan yang suara besar sebab tidak mudah untuk mendatangkan fitnah, mudah untuk mengawal cara cakap. Tegas dan besar suara. 

This is the thing that I wish to tell people but afraid so, because, well, it's kinda controversial. Also, it needs to be told in a way that it's not one sided, because who knows, girls with soft voices struggle too.

Side note:

Dude I'm so thankful of my appearances. I'm skinny, my butt is not big, my boobs are small, my voice is big (as what people say). Alhamdulillah Allah has made it easy for me to jaga aurat, termasuk aurat suara. And to girls out there who have the opposite, it's a test for you. And Allahu, it's not all ease in my life, Allah always has tests for us in this life. It's easy for me on these aurat thing, but it's hard for me on other aspects in my life.

Two was about women taking a long time when they're shopping, because they are calculating the surplus or deficit in buying 1kg or 500g. Something like that. 

Like... seriously, you wanna stereotype women in this? It's not only women though? Men do this too. Maybe people with knowledge or wisdom would do it. See, it's people who are meticulous. Not women. People need to stop stereotyping, man.

Sorry, I'm so anti and against with these kind of statements. 

#32

Every time I see other people being praised of their good deeds, I feel envy. But astaghfirullah al azim. 

It always reminds me of the IG post that came across in my explore page. Like MasyaaAllah for the explore page. MasyaaAllah how it appeared, how I terbuka hati lembut hati untuk bukak post tu and stay and read and listen. Bless the people who shared good things.

The post is about Nabi Sulaiman AS, and how he's good and knowledgeable with power.

The conclusion of the story is, ask for forgiveness from Allah, and ask from Him, if it's good for me, for my religion Islam, please grant me more of it, so I can do good deeds for me and also for other people. 

 

The Ustaz also said that, you need to know your weakness. If your weakness is fame or money or power, that with all those, you'd become bad, greedy or whatever negative, then don't ask for it. Ask for Allah to jauhkan dari semua ni and give something better, even though we do not know what to ask from Allah. Just ask to jauhkan diri kita dari lalai, riak dan takabbur.

Allahu Akbar.

If people were praising me in that group, idk how bad my 'bangga' is. It's hard to keep my heart sincere, to pujuk. It's hard enough now, it's gonna get worse if it really happens.

So I told my husband, that maybe, I'm just this mediocre (in a good way) and average person out there because Allah knows that being more than this, would make me forget Him. 

Allahu Akbar.

Whatever it is, I pray that Allah sends me good companions, good things to our way, and prevent us from anything that make us deviate from Allah SWT. 

#31

Dude. I just finished talking with mom on the phone. I absolutely looooooove conversations that include our connection and relations with Allah SWT. Like reaaaaallyy love it. I'd call it deep conversations. Like if you wanna talk about something, I can't help but relate to Him. Maybe because that's just it, Islam is our way of life. You just can't escape Allah. 

I'm so touched if the person I'm talking to doesn't make fun of me or like want to end it too quickly when I start talking about Allah SWT. But I also understand if they do, so I'm okay with both.

Also, I like to have deep thoughts conversation like that one time with my ex-colleague, I don't know if I regret starting that conversation, or starting to share my thoughts on that topic. The topic is deep thought like is the world actually flat? Yeah, these kind of topics hahah.

I guess I'm that weirdo in a group xD

#30

Oh how lovely it is that other people pray for you because you make them happy. Like alhamdulillah for the privilege to make people happy, to make people feel good. Even if they don't pray for us, but making them feel even a bit happy, suffice <3

#29

 How shallow he is that all he can think of when replying is, 'Ya ya pape je lah, jangan beban sangat.' How shallow his thinking that he doesn't think of every perspective of everyone. Like, you don't know EMPATHY. It's sad for him, but I still pray every one of us in this world is given the light to see that, to feel empathy on other people's situation. 

His comments are not critically building, but just shows how shallow and close-minded he is. 

And the fact that he replied that way, as if he doesn't know what else to write. Oh, don't tell me ~I don't read have time to reply to your comment~ when obviously you just made time to read and type xD 

To me, that's what I do. That's what I spend my time for. To address things to people, to tell people my perspective on what I do and what I belief. You can't tell me 'takde keje ke'. That's my job. 

Gosh. This comment hits me the same as how shallow online sellers are when I had to deal with one ^^" Gonna be a quite long while for me to get over it. But I'm trying <3

#28

Scrolled Facebook and saw two things.. but then I should be grateful. That's their rezeki, and Allah knows best. 

The podcast. Maybe Allah knows I'm not ready yet, even if I wish to have it as a first experience. Maybe it would not result in a good outcome. Maybe something bad will happen.

Women in Gaming month by agency. Maybe Allah wants to protect me from having to wear the clothes, because I would have no choice.

So if you obtain something, alhamdulillah. If someone else gets the opportunity but not you, alhamdulillah. Be happy and make du'a for them, Erin.

I know the second I saw these two updates, I would feel two ways. 

1. Why not me?
2. But alhamdulillah

I know I already pujuk myself to just be grateful, but I had to tell someone, I had to tell Ha, so that he's the outsider of my own thoughts to tell me, it's okay, be grateful.

Alhamdulillah.

#27

 So there are a few things I wanna talk about... 

-purdah sharing by ustaz

-jarang whatsapp

-aurat

-judging

-mysterious at its best

Idk which topic to talk first. But that just reminds me... tomorrow at 9pm I have a podcast I need to attend. Oh man.

Oh I just asked the PIC, they are still in discussion for the price... like... if it's too hard to take me, then you don't need to ^^" Malas nak cakap camni kat Uncle, sebab it seems negative, and Ha wouldn't agree to say that to Uncle. Ha wouldn't even say something like, because there is something in you that they want you to be in the podcast. But then Ha didn't say that -.- I know I want to hear what I want to hear but then yeah hahah never mind. 

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Tadi tengah gaduh dengan orang dekat PM page, asyik minta nombor WhatsApp, disuruh jadi Supporter tapi tak jadi Supporters, lepas tu tanya lagi nak nombor, like, haha macam macam ragam ya manusia ni.

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About jarang whatsapp, only less empathetic people ask about that. So questions like this, ignore je, tak perlu reply. Sama macam soalan yang kat atas tu haha. Not saying you're not important, but I have my priorities. And if people could not be empathic about that, then you need to learn how to.

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The topic judging is related to purdah sharing by Usatz. I've had a conversation with Ha about this, kinda long and I have no mood to type it all again here haha so next time insyaaAllah.

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Being mysterious at its best. THIS. I hate social media, how people easily know about you. How easy people can have access to information about you. Your height, age, weight, the place you live, your favourite things, food, drinks, fears, childhood stories. Oversharing.

But that's what people wanna know about.

When the thing is, our beloved mothers, we don't know about their appearances, masyaaAllah, of dunya things, favourite food and whatnots. But only their traits and exemplary characteristics. 

Which this related to purdah sharing by Ustaz. 

I just love being a nobody, a mysterious person, a secretive person, but at the same time, spreading good, insyaaAllah. May Allah use me of good in this dunya <3

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So about aurat. I worry so much about my friends, the streamers who opt to wear a certain way that you could see aurat is not covered properly. It is even recorded. The dosa jariah yang ada tu.. Allahu Akbar. I can only pray for them.

That's why I don't post other people's photos on all of my platforms. Fair to everyone so that no one terasa. And better that I jaga diorang daripada post.

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Updated 20 March 2021, 6:29pm

So makeup is tabarruj. Purdah is to elak fitnah. 

You wanna makeup for yourself, to feel confident, or you just simply love it. 

You wanna feel pretty? Wanna get some compliments? So that can boost your confidence? Idk

Yes it's tabarruj. But then again, when I relate it to not judging, you can't judge. 

Nak tegur pun, in this modern days... idk, rasa macam all the people out there already know ^^"

So in the end you just can't judge but du'a untuk diorang.

And really, never ever hate the sinner, but hate the sin.

Hablum minallah, hablum minannas. Allahu Akbar. 

Bayangkan sebab sorang je kita sakitkan hati, benda kecil, benda besar, dia tuntut kat akhirat.

Tak nak. Allahu :(

But anyway, I've worn  heavy makeup (heavy which means I need to wear foundation and such) on 8th July 2017. and 31st July 2017, then only on around 20th Dec 2020. Couldn't escape it if I enter this industry huh :/

#26

I posted a story on my FB profile. A quote and advice from AAPlus. 

I kinda hesitate because of the du'a. It's a good message but... my heart feels at the wrong place. But I posted it anyway. And the whole day I felt uneasy. 

 

Because I afraid by posting this, there would be riak or whatever or judging from my own self. 

But alhamdulillah, it was private. No one saw the story ^^"

I'll just pray in secret and just spread this verbally.

#25

 So I just saw a post on IG explore, a baby touching his parent's. Out of context. It just looks cute. But just watching that video, it reminds me of how attached I am to my mom and husband.

When I was a kid, I was scared to sleep alone, so I sleep in a bedroom with my parents, beside my mom, but on the floor and mattress. My mom sometimes has her hand hanging over so I would grab her hand while I'm sleeping. I guess my mom noticed this whenever I did that, because I remember she always responded to it :')

And now when I'm grown up and married, it's the feeling of needing to feel my husband beside me. Just a touch, not much, because the body temperature irks me xD

It's normal but I don't know how many people out of this whole world feel this way.

AND YES, I treat my blog like twitter or IG stories. Many posts a day if I have the mood to xD

#24

I have handled online sellers before. Also some online customers from Carousell and me seeling second hand stuff.

Then during working in an audit firm, I have handled queries from clients relating to... finance audit stuff.

But I never thought handling inquiries in this industry (photography and videography of wedding) is kinda more difficult xD 

Maybe because I am no expert in that field and that I'm just answering inquiries and am not actually the photographer or videographer that I wouldn't exactly know the situations that people are asking about.

So with just a little tiny bit experience in this field, I'm trying xD

Some people really get on my nerves like, CAN YOU READ?!?!?!?!?! HOW IGNORANT ARE YOU?!? THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN FRIKIN WEDDING DUDE

Ok.

But other than what's written, there are always things that are not there, so it leads to further inquiries which needs your experience in that. That's what I lack of. Sometimes this, get on my nerves, BUT if I were in their shoes, I would ask further things too. So yeah, I understand their position.

#23

 Monday, 15th March 2021, 1 Syaaban, 1442 AH.

Allahu. Dah Syaaban eh? Lagi sebulan eh? Haritu niat nak ganti puasa. It's only 10am now. I'm having a slight headache from what I don't know. But I'll just go with it. InsyaaAllah semuanya okay.

And I high key am thankful that our house upstairs are doing drilling because I kinda have not much spirit to go on life anytime soon today. Maybe a bit of late afternoon. Just to get that 3 hours insyaaAllah. Coz I missed the opportunity in the morning. So yeah.

#22

 3:53pm

Last night I asked my husband, and he so ever calmly answered me. Alhamdulillah for a person like this who married a person as impatient as me xD

I asked about how we couldn't send out cookies to our international supporters. He said that it's okay, it's beyond our control, because to get the certificates and all, it takes a real company ^^" So we'll try to give them back by sending other kind of gifts, like our merch, t-shirts. 

4:41pm

Also I wanna talk about Isra'  Mi'raj. Every year I listen to the seerah but I still forget the WHOLE story of it. I can only remember bits of it.

One of the beautiful things that my husband reminded me of is, how we are so blessed to directly talk to Allah in our Solah, during tahiyyatul awal and akhir. That du'a that we recite is what The Prophet SAW has spoke of when he met Allah SWT in the highest level of Jannah. Allahu. We are so privileged, and our beloved never forget about us. So that's why this peristiwa is sooo precious.

And yesterday's AA Closer email talked about this again, that I just read it today, like Allahu, thanks for the reminder <3

And we even learnt more about wudhu' during tazkirah from Abnaa Ul Jawi yesterday afternoon, because it relates to Solah. How we can make du'as during ablution of every part of the body for wudhu. 

Alhamdulillah <3

#21

Oh man. Something hit me. If they are married, it's either they continue to play the games, or seldom playing. I need to prepare for that ^^" Gonna miss them

#friendsforkeeps

#20

I guess I'm kind of different in stream and in the WhatsApp group. I might be funnier in stream rather than in WA. Like really, I'm that deep person who doesn't know much about jokes, sarcasm and such. 

Like, I like to talk about deep stuff ya know. So that's why I couldn't chat much coz eventually I'll go there. But if you message me privately, then I'm comfortable to talk about deep stuff. 

Coz I really can't blend in with their conversations xD 

#19

“Not streaming cause no one would watch me stream anyway.”

Advise from a pro, “Don’t be too humble, like gameplay noob di sini.”

“What do you guys want from me? Do you hate me so much? Do you not want me to not exist?”

Girl... even your pinned comment says takmo sedih2. Kalau sedih, jangan ditunjuk. Kalau sedih, simpan. What people want from you is to put that mask on and be “happy”. Faking being happy in front of people could already make other people happy. 

Omg I just realise that... imagine how you want to not make your mom sad???? Smile, be happy in front of her!!!!

masyaAllah 

Something to ponder ;~;

#18

 Dude... we had a talk. We realise, that, it's his nature that he's the way he is. All so mighty and anger.

He's always apologetic afterwards, and I always need to be understanding. 

We've come to that terms insyaaAllah. 

May Allah reward us for our love and patience for each other.

Lahaula walakuata illabillah aliyil azeem.

#17

6:08pm

Okay so I was scrolling Facebook, wanted to take a nap whenever I feel sleepy. But then there was a post that irks me...

But before that, I was reminded, that I should be thankful... like always always always be thankful, dear Erin. Every time I feel bad when I was streaming, because of my mood at that time, because of the views, because of my performance, because of how un-engaging I am because of how un-engaging Ha was, I forgot to be grateful.

Because... alhamdulillah, we got so many stars donation today. Like... Erin, alhamdulillah. Syukur. Other people have it worst. PLEASE DON'T BE HASAD DENGKI!!!!!!!! Oh Allah protect me from hasad dengki :(

So now let's go to the post that irks me.

I don't know if you can read the text oh the photo. But I just kinda hate, really, like hate how some people put it this kind of way, that if you can stream at night and also gift me something like this, then a wifey wouldn't mind that you stream at night. 

Maybe I'm biased because the ring is something that you wear and other people can see. Because to think again, I might would have wanted something from my husband if I were in her shoes, i.e. having kids and husband streaming at night.

But... I'm just so done with material stuff. I don't want a big house, a big wardrobe, loads of clothes, big expensive cars, sports cars, rings, like the things people can see. But if bigger house or car that would help the economy of my family (because too many members or work purpose then okay). 

This reminded me of my ustaz during kursus kahwin, that he spends his money for his wife buying K-drama stuff. Things that people can't see.

I just can't blame the person above coz every person's interest is different.

But then maybe I just dislike showing expensive things to the public, or make it visible, you know what I mean? You are not showing, you are just simply wearing it, but you going out, can be seen by public, hence it doesn't feel good. 

To make it fair, I still loooove rings but only those silver or silver gold rings AND if the design is like for example, a FOX, an animal sort of kind, and not like those like in the photo haha.

But... I think what I'm saying here, for myself, is the fact that, you need to be gifted material things in order for you to bless your own spouse. I mean I know, it's not wrong to have these things, tapi berpada-pada, dan tengok apa niat. 

Welp, I could be very wrong.

Wallahua'lam.

#16

 Feb 16, 2021

As views and follower count increased, I began to shrink. I felt incredibly small and I struggled a lot and spoke constantly with Him. "Ya Allah, keep my heart sincere. Allow me to be firm in my intentions and don't let me be swayed or distracted by things that don't please You. Keep using me for good, keep sending me good companions and good teachers, and keep me firm on Your Path!"

 

#15

 Feb 20, 2021

You know what keeps me sane and somewhat calm, my online usrah AAPlus, and the Quran recitations and Selawat Syifa' that I let play on computer on loud speaker. 

Coz no matter how I try to block negative thoughts, I couldn't do it by myself. I need assistance like those I mentioned earlier. 

So alhamdulillah for the people that exist around me, real-life or online, directly or indirectly reminding me of Allah and good things <3

#14

 Feb 20, 2021

AA said in one post of how she misses Masjids so much and that just reminds me of especially during University time when I would go around with friends and visited various kinds of Musolla and Masjids.

I loved how I was able to visit suraus and masjid. It's a lovely feeling although some suraus or masjids are not women-friendly but that's the test that we need to go through just for the sake of Allah.

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity. 

I pray may we are able to visit the Houses of Allah. 

Amin.

#13

 Feb 28, 2021

May Allah always guide us to people, places, and opportunities where there is nothing but goodness and lightness, Amin.

 — AAPlus

#12

When I was writing the previous post, I was also thinking about how bad it was for Aisyah, isteri kepada Firaun. Like really bad. But because of Allah, she respected him and took that negativity to be the test from Allah in this dunya. Allahu akbar. How strong she was. 

Instead, I remember I told myself to correct myself first before correcting my spouse. Alhamdulillah that Allah send me these petunjuks :’)

#11

Patut la hati selalu tak tenang. Patut la asyik kena buat benda untuk tenangkan diri. Patut la dia pun nak kena maki.

Sebab diri sendiri pun mempalekan hotak orang, membabikan orang. 

Sebab orang paling rapat yang buat macam tu kat kita ek.

Dalam game pun sama je. Nak marah orang dalam game? Sama je terasa kat luar game. 

I'm all bad. Kau tengok bini orang membabikan laki dia? Memang dalam hati aku pun macam tu. Tapi aku tak keluarkan je.

Ye, istighfar, alhamdulillah. 

Memang syukur. Mungkin tunggu nak meletup je kot? Kau dah pernah meletup kan? Mungkin bila aku meletup, aku mati terus jugak. Lagi bagus kan?

#10

You know what keeps me sane and somewhat calm, is my husband, AAPlus, and the Quran recitations and Selawat Syifa' that I let play on computer on loud speaker. 

Coz no matter how I try to block negative thoughts, I couldn't do it by myself. I need assistance like those I mentioned earlier. 

So alhamdulillah for the people that exist around me, real-life or online, directly or indirectly reminding me of Allah and good things <3

#9

 I don't like spoilers or snippets of movies so when he wants to watch that on YouTube, I'm like

Me: tak payah la tengok, belum tengok lagi movie ni

Ha: Tengok je la, bukannya ada masa nak tengok full movie dia pun

Me: *thinks of all the unwatched downloaded movies that have been there for 10 years xD* Hm ok

#8 Mosques

 Just had the time to read AAPlus' Thursday letter dated February 18th, 2021.

And what affected me most is the talk about Masjids. How she misses Masjids so much.

It reminds me of during University time when I would go around with friends or especially Ha (my boyfriend then) and visited various kinds of Musolla (surau) and Masjids (mosques). 

I remember saying it somewhere that I loved how I was able to visit suraus and masjid. I think I tweeted about this. It's a lovely feeling although some suraus or masjids are not women-friendly but that's the test that we need to go through just for the sake of Allah.

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity. I pray may that opportunity come again. Amin.

#7

I rewatched a video, because I was curious about Norreen's live stream. I kinda forgot her name xD So I searched Huzair youtube, then looked through his videos then bam, found this video again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX0IYVy3CuA

I didn't have anything to do, so I spent time to rewatch this video. I skipped some part and I remember that he mentioned if you wanna know more, watch her video. So it was on suggested list on the right, so I watched it too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBuOpmCLjFE

I love these kind of conversations like between you and your friend. Like everytime I meet my homie Mad or Atul or Adli or A'an, it will always relate to Allah SWT. And I hope they don't feel like "menyampah" sebab aku suka borak pasal benda tu haha. Faham kaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn?

And I'm so grateful that I have them in my life that I could talk about it. Like, Allah kurniakan, datangkan insan-insan seperti diorang ni, dalam hidup aku, jenis yang suka jugak, tak kisah jugak kalau aku borak kaitkan dengan islam dan Allah. 

 It's just truly a blessing. 

And masyaaAllah. Sebenarnya, Allah hadirkan jugak, supporters macam kawan-kawan aku ni. Dalam group WhatsApp pun ok je kena 'dakwah' ringan-ringan. Takde la nak terus kena tarbiyyah. Tapi saling mengingati. Tu je. Alhamdulillah.

Like, dude, I don't mind talking about deep stuff with you. I'm so on for it.

#6

So I have this silly feeling I've been feeling since ever, and it has increased multifold when I entered streaming entertainment industry. Like astaghfirullahalazim..

I saw one post on my explore tab on IG. It shows, the person is sad, "when someone you never really liked stops flirting with you." Like, how toxic is that, that you do that to yourself?

This thing is actually normal because as the comments said:

• people like to feel liked
• we lowkey like it but when someone stop flirting we feel like noone likes me anymore
• yeah, why are we women like this?
• some times it's just nice to know someone's interested
• RIP the attention!
• Omg I thought I was the only one that feels like a bitch when I get upset about someone that used to like me stops.

So yeah, why are we like this? I feel sorry to myself, but I need to embrace it, also embrace the fact that it's natural. And try to look past it. Because this craving is really toxic and bad for my soul. So masyaaAllah, always always always go back to Allah because people like you because Allah has moved them and also He hid your flaws, your aib. And with that, use it, use the goodness, to show the goodness of Islam.