Dec 25, 2017


Yesterday was great. I’ve never felt so much positivity and happiness in what I feel such a long time. I miss my family and extended family. I needed that. 

Dec 23, 2017


I’m always curious and wondering how my friends are and what they are up to. Like I really miss them every day.

But then I got too caught up with my own problems to even ask. Yesterday was okay. I mean I only stayed at home.

See. My life is dull. Ever since working. Or 2016. Like there’s no life. Like it’s pathetic. Yet I know there are always things to be grateful for. 

Dec 20, 2017


Not saying that I don’t do any work and taici my work to junior but then if I do the execution then they won’t have things to do. 

And it seems as though they want some work to do or else they’d die out of boredom. And also it seems that it’s no stress much for them. 

All I need to improve are soft skills and subordinate management. 

Dec 19, 2017


Sunday was horrible for one part because I was caught red handed playing Mobile Legends at the dining table with husband. Lol!!! Dah la my parents in laws pantang orang main games but whatever. 

Then yesterday I worked from home starting from lunch hour which happened the same today. But instead of at home, I went to client’s place. 

Seriously if you’re at home, it’s hard for you to do your work. The same like it’s hard for you to study at home. 

And the best thing about today is TAP TAP FKING REBORN 2 !!!!1!17!!!


Dec 16, 2017


Wow I never thought about it since... idk when. The reason I like to blog was to hold onto the memories and yet I fail to remember that. I shall do it again starting today. And maybe do throwbacks since the last entry!

Well today I played tennis with husband and family for only 30 minutes. My heart couldn’t handle it lol My stamina is so bad. Staying with my in-laws today. Nothing special. 

Sep 2, 2017


I want to ask so many things. I want to know how you've been. I want to tell so many things. But I can't. I mustn't. And I need to stop...


I wish the people I love will never have to endure this pain. I hope they're strong enough to fight the love they first hoped for. I hope they are strong enough not to love another. Because choosing, and letting go, are the hardest part in life. 

Aug 27, 2017


Semoga dengan niat anda menjamu tetamu makan, mendapat ganjaran oleh Nya.
"Sedekah yang baik ialah dengan memberi makan kepada orang."
Dan bagi tetamu pula,
"Ziarah menziarahi amalan mulia dan memenuhi jemputan itu perlu."
Cantikkan Islam disusun.Dua-dua pihak diberi ganjaran.

#463 The Cupid Effect

His light eyes sparkles as he said, 'Hi, you must be Ceri,' and grinned. His whole face relaxed into that grin and I fell instantly in like with him. I was a relatively simple creature like that. You were nice to me, I liked you.
He must have been muscle and bone, rather than skin and bone as he looked.
They didn't simply finish each other's sentences, they knew what the other one was thinking; they actually voiced each other's train of thought. That's not normal. That's not 'living with a boyfriend for two years'; that's not 'seeing no one special'. That's, 'I'm involved with the person I'm sitting next to'.
I always quite liked the idea of being an academic. That was why I'd applied for a PhD all those years ago. I wanted to carry on learning while helping with the teaching process. I liked lecturing, enjoyed the power it gave me. You stand up there, in front of people, you tell them what you know, they interject with their theories and together you helped to build a new theory, a new understanding.
Students had changed. 'They don't have a thirst for learning like they did when you were a student,' she said. 'They're more interested in what they need to know for the exams than in expanding their minds.' I suppose that was part of why I wanted to do this as well. I wanted to see if I could help turn back the tide. Stop students being simply fixated on the exams. When I was a student, we - rather sadly some might say - used to look forward to certain lectures when we could debate stuff. There was so much to think and talk about we'd often overrun. Or we'd stop at the end, go get coffees, come back and debate some more. I wanted that with my students. I wanted them to be so into my lectures they didn't mind if they overran.
I needed company. Someone to fret at. I didn't know Jake and Ed well enough to unravel in front of them. It didn't work down the phone, so that ruled out most of my London friends. The only person it could be was Jess. She was my surrogate boyfriend in such situations.
Elephants stampeded across my stomach as I walked around before the lecture started...
Total peace descended upon me. At the very core of my soul, a celestial being touched me and I felt peace. I was peace. Pure peace. Suddenly I was flooded with power and joy and happiness. All I'd yearned for when I'd accepted this job. I was complete. Whole. This was it. I was there, on the brink of it. On the brink of a life orgasm. I'd only ever felt this sense of pureness when I'd orgasmed. Right in the middle of an orgasm, you are nothing pure emotion. Nothing else exists except that one moment of sheer, unadulterated bliss; when your body and mind give themselves up to immaculate pleasure. That's what I'd been chasing when I gave up on my life in London. For that moment, sat on the desk, I felt it. How life was meant to be. How life could be if I carried on with this.
On the other hand, nothing happened. Ever. I sometimes got the feeling that he was thinking about kissing me, thinking about taking our relationship to the next level, particularly when we were lying on my bed watching something he'd taped, but it was all just think with him. He never did anything. I did consider kissing him, of course, but I was never sure how it'd be received. You see, if there was one thing I'd learnt about men, it was that if they liked you enough, nothing, except possibly an act of God - and even then it was a close-run thing - would stop them making a move. So, why did Drew never just lean down and cover my lips with his, even when his arms were holding me close to his chest? Because he didn't like me enough.

I'll never forget the sudden horror that rushed through me when I heard Drew's words. It'd hit me, right then, that we weren't eventually going to end up together. That maybe, if I'd told him earlier how I felt, things would've turned out different.

My brain kept dredging up examples of his caddishness any time 'but I love him' thought of rearing its pathetic head..... He'd get me all whipped up, let me believe that some way along the line we'd be together. It wasn't his fault, though, I'd been led on by all those movies and books which propagated waiting it out. Which told you that if you just hung in there long enough, he'll realise that you're the one for him and give up going out with supermodel-types who'll smash up his car windscreen because he didn't call.
Suddenly, I realised he'd been a bastard to me but because I thought I loved him. I hadn't wanted to see it. And this falling for The One was the final act of treachery as far as I was concerned. It was all right for him to go meet his perfect woman, all right for him to fall in love, all right, even, for him to realise he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. But why the bloody hell was I the first person he called up about it? Because he had no respect for me or the feelings he'd nurtured in me.
When you're so infatuated with someone, like I was with Drew, it's very difficult to see them for what they really are. But once I'd made that desert crossing, Drew stopped being the man who could do no wrong. He also stopped being the man who would one day wake up and find he loved me, because it was not going to happen. Once I could see him clearly, he became a good friend. A proper friend with no undercurrent of 'What if?' He became a friend because, well, I can forgive my friends most things, but I couldn't forgive the man I was supposed to love for not even liking me enough to make a pass at me.
If he'd loved me, even a little, he wouldn't have emotionally teased me.

'What if?' was no way to live a life.

It was the way people looked at each other in unguarded moments. The way they didn't look at each other in guarded moments. Despite what people pretended, despite what people said to my face, they couldn't stop those tell-tale signs showing through.
This was a proper library, even though it was in a college. People actually came here to work and they expected silence with it. When I was a student, the library was an extension of the common room. Here, these merchants of no fun wanted to study.
I love conditioning my hair. Knowing that with every stroke I was making it shiny and soft. I got a real sense of joy from squidging it into my hair and running my fingers down from the roots to the tips, feeling my hair soften under hand.
The fact your life can change in the blink of an eye; the misunderstanding of a phrase; the kissing of someone you shouldn't. The pain of wanting something you simply can't have.
Wanting something so much that you make yourself and everyone around you miserable because you can't have it. It was madness quite neatly. It was a shite film, but I remember one of the main characters saying something like, 'Why do people love those who are not in love with them? Is that not madness? Does a man go to the airport to pick up his brother when he has no brother?' It was madness, but we all still did it. Even when I could see the hopelessness, when I knew there was no chance whatsoever of getting what I wanted, I craved things, made myself sick over things. Even when I knew, no matter what I did, I couldn't have that thing.
I didn't disturb him, didn't want to add to any anxiety he might have with anxieties of my own.
Visualising the result you wanted from a situation, seeing it in your head helped it to come true.
Just like I didn't particularly like girly girls; girly girls didn't particularly like ungirly girls. Which was cool. As long as we both stuck to our respective areas of expertise - her: hair, make up, boys, me: science fiction, psychology and using my brain.
The route to Jess's forgiveness was, like mine, through her stomach.
She gave Ed a loving look, the kind of sweet look that diabetics would need an insulin overdose to get under control.
You're very popular with students. Although, that's not always a good thing. You're there to assist their learning, not befriend or entertain them. Students need someone to look up to, to respect, they can't do that if they think of you as nothing more than a buddy.
It's like everything is good underneath even if it's bad on the surface. There are lots of good vibrations.
I suddenly knew what it felt like to not be able to wear skirts or shorts. How much self-disgust went into bathing every day and seeing your skin marked like that. The non-physical pain of knowing that if you went out without tights everyone would stare at you in horror and fascination. No one would skip over your legs, see it and accept it. There'd be pity or disgust, never indifference. This was part of Gwen's problem. She never felt normal. She couldn't be.

Aug 14, 2017


maybe i don't deserve any friends or relationships. from the beginning of my life. all i do is hurting people. 

so you realise all you have is your family. no matter how you think your friends are your family, it's just difficult. 

you're just useless and hopeless. 

Aug 13, 2017


It's my loss. But you can't admit it would be your loss too. Coz you're too damn good. I'm upset. 

Aug 8, 2017


"Journaling makes you reflect, realize and truly internalize what you’re thinking about."



We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough

It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this.
We got a love that is homeless
We got a love that is hopeless

I don't wanna hide us away
Tell the world about the love we're making
I'm living for that day


Hey I never felt this way
Can't get enough
So stay with me
It's not like we got big plans...
Let's drive around town, holding hands

And you need to know
You're the only one, alright, alright
And you need to know
That you keep me up all night, all night.

Oh my heart hurts so good
I love you, babe
So bad. So bad.

Mad cool in all my clothes
Mad warm when you get me
Slow dance these summer nights
Our disco ball's my kitchen light

And you need to know
That nobody can take your place, your place
And you need to know
That I'm hella obsessed with your face, you face

Oh my heart hurts so good
I love you, babe
So bad. So bad.

Aug 7, 2017


I miss my friends. I want to tell them everything. But I know what they will say; the things that I do not want to hear. 

I want to meet them, and forget my problems, and be happy. But the last hang out was a disaster. I was silent, more than usual. I was not happy. My thoughts were bubbling inside, but I couldn't spill them out. In the end I regretted hanging out. Orang nak jumpa, nak cakap banyak banyak, happy or sad. But then I was so quiet. Tak best.

At first I was surprised seeing photos of last night but then it hit me, it was our schoolmate's wedding. The one that he did not approve in going, when it was due to RSVP. But when the time came, we did nothing on that day. He had something to do, but I didn't. I could have gone there and have some fun time with my friends. But then I missed it. It just makes things worse.

Multiple times that I wish to hang out with them. But then I know it would just be another hambar hang out with me.



In 10 years even so, if my heart still loves this man, what will happen? I don’t know. Religiously, logically, I have to move on. I know I hate myself for the decision I have made. But it’s a saddening thought that I have to live for the rest of my life, without the person I really love and care

Aug 6, 2017


Lol I guess I'm gonna be virgin forever. I don't wanna have kids. I don't wanna give birth. It hurts. And idgad.

Aug 5, 2017


'Letters to Juliet'

Something like, if each partner don't mind being away, do what they like, separately, that's not good, the feeling of it's okay not being together.

Idk if it's good or bad, but I don't wanna do things with him. Let him live his life with his friends.

I'm just, sigh


Am I trying to destroy this? Am I trying to save it? Why am I saving it?

A marriage won't be saved if only one side makes an effort. It takes two to tango.

Why am I like this sigh

Aug 2, 2017


Feelings changed. Months before it became sah. I wish to part. But they say, 'Careful what you wish for.'

Refer post #448

Aug 1, 2017


Never settle when your heart says you feel less than you did yesterday.

"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday."


Relationships. Never rush into things.

But then, if you really think you wanna be with that person, chase him/her. Don't wait. Chase until you tie the knot. That there's no room for someone else to take his/her breathe away like how you do.

If you think you have fallen out of love on a person, leave. If you have fallen for someone else, leave the current one. Take your time. Think. Give your heart some time. Don't break your heart because of your own stupid decision.

My heart.

Jul 26, 2017


Mom: Cuba bagitahu. Bagitahu je. Tak payah simpan.
Me: Dari sebelum tunang dulu, Erin tak nak kahwin.
Mom: Sebelum tunang? Kenapa kamu tak bagitahu dulu? Kalau dulu, boleh je tak payah kahwin.

Right then it hit me to the very core that agreeing to marry was the stupidest decision in my entire life. 

I'm suffering. And my husband is in the same condition. You might see that I don't give a damn. But inside I'm broken. It also affects me and my life and my work. That's why I always have no mood to work even though it is the place where I can escape my personal life. 

I guarantee you that this has no third person in the picture. It's just me. I do not want to get married yet. Not because I'm not ready. Because I don't love husband as I used to. I do not care for him as I used to. 

It is crazy to force myself to love him. Before I got married, I was afraid that I would get revenge on him. I tried to console myself, remember Him to istighfar and calm down. Think straight. Pray to Him. 

But then, I was defeated. My fear became reality. I get mad at husband because of the decision I have made myself. 

Again, if this still goes on, I would be pasrah. Redha, it might come later. Lowkey I still want this to go on. Because my husband is the so perfect you could not find another person as unique and good as him. That's the thing, I don't want him to get hurt. It is not fair for him. He loves me but I neglect him. It's hard to do good deeds. I know I have sinned since the day it became sah. But then it is so hard for me to force myself to love him. How do people do all these things without love? I have, in my mind, multiply killed him and my parents. And then killed myself. I could go crazy. Idk.

Nevertheless at the same time, since my parents knocked some sense into me, I am doing my best to be a better wife. But dear husband, my heart is lost.


I don't hate marriage. I only hated weddings.

But then. Forcing myself to rekindle the sparks. This is sick. How long can I force myself :(

*mentally killing myself thousands of times*

Jul 17, 2017


Things I've achieved:
- no high heels; wore boots instead
- no heavy makeup 
- no inai
- no princess crown; flower crown instead
- no meleret dress
- usable dulang hantaran i.e takyah susah nak bawak balik dulang dulang, tak mahal pun the bekas hantaran
- no potong cake
- Ha punya baju melayu and suit below 300 in total
- Ha bagi hantaran reused stuff lol bagus save duit dia
- no official salam & du'a after nikah (kelakar sebab entah, at least ada la doa from Ha; tapi takde cam ok je)
- great photos
- great photobooth 

But I'm not sure I want to post anything

Jul 12, 2017


My BDO colleagues/friends are soooo kind. Dari mana diorang tahu aku kahwin pun, Idk. Maybe facebook and words of mouth la kot kan but still, diorang nak datang to congratulate me lagiii

Gosh I feel so evil

Tapi sebenarnya memang nak invite! but limited kan :( dah almost terlebih invitation pulak tuu.

Anyway, yang from BDO, Nabil je. Itu pun cam tak kira sangat sebab dia from UiTM gak. So from BDO cam takde :/

Rasa cam nak invite BDO peeps untuk yang Ganu punya. I know cam jahat je, sebab jauh kan. Tapi that’s not the point. Aku memang nak ajakk. Tu pun kalau Ha bagi.

Jun 24, 2017



As I'm writing this down, I want to warn you that this post might be quite cheesy. Well this is really unnecessary but I don't care I write what I want to write. I've been restricting myself from being all affectionate and PDA-ish on the internet pls excuse this one. There's no special occasion for this post actually but I just wanted to write what I feel for this specific person.

When people ask me how I tolerate with his behavior, I think people should be asking how he tolerates with mine. Hahaha. Well it goes both ways. Yes, at times he can be annoying but that's just his way of being funny and making himself happy. Sometimes I think I'm too uptight for not getting his jokes.

Trust. Often relationships fail because of trust issues. Along the way obviously there's bumpy rides but through it all, we've finally reached that point where we both trust each other enough to let one another live our lives to the fullest. No envy, jealousy, or any feeling of the sort.

Honesty plays an important role too. Ifor the past 4 years, we've been nothing but completely honest with each other and it feels great! Not having to have secrets ot hide anything from one another. I truly respect my man for being honest with me.

Long distance relationship sure is hard but with the right person, it has its cons but its really not a big deal. Distance do makes the heart grow fonder ;) It makes me feel like I want to live everyday to the fullest, knowing that I'll be seeing him soon.

Can't thank God enough for making our paths cross❤️


You started it, Erin. Now let him live happily.

May 22, 2017


I didn't reply her. Saja. This made my day. Hati berbunga. I didn't know a message like this from your friend could mean so much. 

I can't lie that there are times I terasa, there are times I know I make her terasa. A friendship is as such. And idk I just got past those small silly stuff (yes small, eventhough at the time anything happened, it seemed huge). We deal with it. Friends in need is a friend indeed.

I love you too, my friend.

May 13, 2017



When your best friend recalls the sweet things you've thought about your friendship ❤️


- Bro, datang tak?
- Datang. Nak ayam dada. I repeat dada.
- 😂Okay bro





-Jap aku kena kemas bilik dulu kot
-Bersepahnya. Sama je sepah macam kehidupan kau

Pasar jual earphones:
Do you want Beats?
Or you can just have my heartbeat

Chatted and passed by recycle bins:
- Do you wanna throw away your dignity?
- Which type?
- Plastic


Kenapa belikan anak umur kurang 3 tahun, mainan intended for ages 3+???? Kenapaaaaa

Kenapa bagi diorang main mainan yang dah sedia ada, yang sebenarnya untuk ages 3+ kenapaaaa

Membazir ah cepat rosak. Sedih I have to witness everything


Haritu beli air kat chatime, confused nak cakap English ke Malay??

Like I really think workers should be able to speak/understand local language(s)?

Unless you are in some professional ass company


So I saw this small thing on the floor that looks literally like the poop emoji. But I think it was hershey's kisses chocolate

But it could also be a perfectly molded poop


"A real sunny and hyper especially bila dah jumpa geng."

I wanted to question this. But after a fruitful thought, I second this impression of me 💩


You know what's great hanging out with your friends? They unconsciously blurt out awesome punchlines or pickup lines

and you're there to publish it #reporteratitsbest


*Roadtrippin jalan dalam*
-Weh landak mati. Asal elok je dia mati camtu macam tengah tidur
-Tu mati dengan iman

*Next sighting landak mati*
-Eh ada lagi???
-Mende landak, tu sabut kelapa sawit la ya tohan



*Penunggang motor India lalu*
*Dia pin pin*
-Eh awak nampak tak dia??
-Nampak. Sekarang siang ma, bukan malam


I got interviewed verbally for a survey from Digi. English terabur cam apa lol #smh

Well, face to face interview

Wasn't nervous. Indeed was very keen to help out. Like, I tried answering, then they rephrased for me. Like thank god you understood


Do you understand the feeling of not wanting to wear glasses coz you're just tired af


When my in laws are so talkative and chatty and friendly and teasy I went into culture shock. Like niggas please preserve some of my bubbles


When you want to shorten notifications as noti but then it sounds like naughty (malay accent) and awkward, *abort mission*


When you best friend texts you good morning and you're like.... nigga r u ok


Me: Kau buat pe harini? Mereput ke
Adli: Yes, currently mereput *bagi gambar baring pandang tingkap*
*pastu masing masing senyap mereput; tanya sebab nak ajak lepak tapi mereput wins 😂*


Have you ever felt so awesome that you just woke up and your hair is on fleek, like damn nigga, u look gud


On Thursday 11 May 2017, around 4pm I thought I have tonnes of work. But then time tu macam mati kutu rasa cam takde kerja #moodbalik

Serious cari kerja yang berlambak tu tapi tak jumpa. Then when I thought of going home, it was raining cats and dogs ahsjdkflhas


Excuse me while I spam my tweets here coz I want to find my awesomeness. Twitter is so limited lol


Read this thread! About grab.


But really, why wouldn't backseat passengers buckle up? How hard could it be

Even for a 2 km journey, I'd still buckle up at the front seat passenger

Mostly because the driver is my dad lol


Memang intended to sound like someone, hoestazah, rupanya sound like Ustaz Fazilah Kamsah haha


Sengal punya adli 


I wonder, how a brother dislikes his little sister. I mean I think I really behaved with my siblings.

But then when I think of it, sometimes I'm just too lazy to be an adult, I depend on them. For example tolong belikan makanan.

Ejad even told me ala beli je kat kedai yada yada yada - implying that seriously you can't do simple things in life? Lol yea

But knowing I'm an adult and making money, I reconciled with myself that I didn't exactly depend on them, like, if they can buy, alang alang belikan. Something like that


So dad went into the kitchen gaya dah habis makan nak basuh pinggan. But when I entered, ada nasi segenggam atas pinggan anak buah. I was like, 'Siapa nak makan tu?' Sebab nampak gaya Marissa macam tak nak makan.

'Ayah nak makan.'

'Hah? Okayy.. nak makan sekali lah.'

Sebab memang rasa nak tambah. Cuma entah, rasa malas camne tah. Pastu ayah nak makan lagi, iols pun join je la. Lagipun harini mak masak sedap (or Kak Yana masak, idk).

Moral of the story:
1. Tak best makan sorang sorang ya. The more the merrier (but I'm an introvert, so this the more the merrier is like just sometimes)
2. We can conclude that I'm clingy with my parents lol


True how kids can brighten up your day when you got home. She lifts up spirits. But as I observe her... why am I giving in lol not for you kid

"vroom vroom pin pin"

May 4, 2017


Lol rasa bodoh sebab aku suruh junior tolong request stationery. That's it. Takde instructions hahaha mana tak blur nye budak tuuu

Apr 28, 2017


Getting older each day at 1:32pm

Apr 26, 2017


What’s happening to my frikin appetite. THREE WEEKS UGH

Apr 25, 2017


Some things are just better be kept private. Like your prayers for other people's safety

Apr 24, 2017


I never like celebrations. For now especially on bachelorette party. I wish I didn't come. I very much appreciate the thought and effort though.

I also wish I hadn't sent out invitation too soon.

Apr 17, 2017


So I have known this a few years ago. It struck me hard when I was feeling left out with my UiTM girls. I mean I chose to be that way but I wish I could have known them better. Like you have this girl crush yakno. And you think it'd be so awesome to get to know them. 

It's the same feeling I feel for the boys too. 

I'm trying to justify this because it's legit. Cause tbh I have squish guy friends.

Ha knows it.

Apr 16, 2017


I realise, Ha never suggested me to wear certain clothes, for example, trendy clothes. He accepts my fashion sense. While I try so hard for him to try on the clothes that I think is so cool and would look good on him. He tried, for only one shirt. And maybe one pair of pants. Shoes, I never got to pursue him. The bottom line, he wouldn't pursue me to wear something. And I should accept that too, yes?

Apr 15, 2017


Is there any term for 'the interest you have into watching how things work' or the fact that 'you like to watch tutorials even though you will not use the product'

'Cos the feeling is something else. Like you're very curious to know. And watch over and over again and never fail to be amazed. Yet still won't use the product. Lol

Apr 14, 2017


You know about people saying banyak masalah datang masa dah tunang. Like there is a third person, or the family suddenly doesn't like the future-in-law and monetory problems and what nots. Rarely I heard people talking about the wedding preparation that makes the problem after engagement. 

Like, one person is busy, and time's running out. You want to tie the knot, but you have your own career to establish. Parents are giving so much pressure. And I should not pass that to my fiance. He has enough things going on.

I should be the one who manages here. Hm

Ps wow it's my first time calling him my fiance *blush*

Apr 12, 2017


I should reply to my own posts when I feel like I have a different perspective on my original post. Like the me then would not necessarily be the me now. Get it? Lol


This hatred feeling towards this certain person is amplified by her twitcon. Ah yes I'm judging way hard *laughs maniacally*. I don't know the story of the other girl she was bashing on, but the way she responded to that is so worst and she even cussed. The other girl didn't even cuss and replied nicely to defend herself. Oh my god wow. You are the typical Malay Muslim who says, 'Kau ingat kau ustazah nak tegur camtu (etc etc etc).' Grrr tak tahu malu ke omg T_T Dah la you show your face to public yaknooooooww. Sisturrrr I hope you realise how silly your actions are.

I kind of understand the anger that you have since your family is bashed. But you need to learn to control your anger. Like, not showing your anger to public. Let it out somewhere else first. Then you'll see how stupid you will look if people see it.

I kind of always do that, here. Letting it out on this blog. And it is still kind of censored. Coz writing makes you sane. Or rather letting things out makes you sane.

Apr 10, 2017


My eldest brother is so ignorant about this house. You have been living in this house for most of you frikin life why are you not giving a shit on what mom thinks of the rules and condition of the house???

You throw away your daughter's dirty napkins in every frikin bathroom. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE WITS TO THROW AWAY IN JUST ON FRIKIN BIN AND NOT MAKE EVERY BATHROOM FRIKIN SMELLY. 

When we are in your house, you give rules, especially to mom. She understands. So why can't you!???


Every time I see things shatter (especially antique stuff), sofas with scribble marks from that kid, I GET SO ANGRY. 


You must think I don't have the right to say all this coz I never had a kid nor I am married.

Well, I asked mom everything about the above matters. Time has changed but it should not change you to be ignorant about your kid?!?!?!?!?! Using time has changed as an excuse?!?!?!?!! 

I still don't know if you really help our parents financially!!!!!! 

I'm sorry but I currently don't like your kid. I still hope she becomes a better person when she grows older.  I'm willing to take a risk that she wouldn't like me either when she's old.

As far as I know, my other brothers are more concerned about this. Ugh I hate your ignorance. 

Apr 9, 2017


1. I don't like voices like: Shawn Mendez, Aiman Tino. Please find the similarity in their voices
2. I don't like song genre from Aiman Tino


I'm so happy to see my UiTM friends getting together and hang out even though I lost that chance years ago. 

I have said this many times but years ago I have made a choice to not be attached to anyone new. Despite this, things can still turn around. But I won't make that move. Not because of ego. Because I know I will still be the same person who made that choice. 

So every time I see them happy, I'll always cringe. But knowing I wouldn't want my life any other way.


Orang comment/gaduh/hujah/persoalkan pasal agama ni aku takut betul nak masuk campur. Makin baca makin pening. Nanti sesat pulak

Apr 7, 2017


I respect people's views on makeups on a special day, because beauty is subjective. But I know that how I view their makeup is different. I mean, you are already extraordinary. You don't have to be normal. You don't have to follow the trend. You don't have to follow what people usually do for something. You don't have to follow the mainstream.

Hipster means something like, "following the latest trends and fashions, especially those regarded as being outside the cultural mainstream." So when a fashion is trendy and you can already see it every where and easy to have it, it is already not being outside the cultural mainstream.

I can't say I'm going for hipster stuff. 'Cause I am not that creative. I'm just...

I hope I wouldn't look like somebody else on a very special day. I want to look how I look when I applied my own 'makeup' (which is always not complete 'cause I don't have foundation and stuff). But I want that look and no other.

Apr 1, 2017


I hate conforming to trends and especially adat. It seems as though we are slaves to these. What is most important is your heart, no matter what people say

Lol this seems contradicted but yea something like this

Mar 27, 2017

#395 Walimatul Urus

Allahu. Disebabkan takut apa orang kata, banyak benda sanggup kau belanja untuk tutup mulut diorang. Fun fact? They will still talk nevertheless.

In this wedding planning, there are many things that I don't want to do but is forced to. 

But for now I want to talk about the groom's dress and accessories.

I actually do not have the perfect idea of my own dress. But I know I will not wear high heels like stilettos. I know they look so pretty and to-die for. But it's a big no to me. I am definitely going to wear a pair of black high heels boots where I will feel comfortable walking in. 

So when my sister-in-law asked me, 'Have you thought of what shoes to wear?' (As if I did not think about it ie lepas tangan). I have thought about it so long time ago the first time I saw a bride on a wedding ceremony. Which is, I don't know, at so young of an age? I do not care if it would not fit the colour of my dress. That it will ruin the theme. To hell with it. It would not. Do not say no one will look at my shoes. People judge. Every single damn time. I even got that 'What?' from my best friend and I don't blame her but that's how people are.

My cousin and I talked about the theme colour. I said I don't care what colour my family wants to wear. As long as it is mutually agreed, that it would be at least matching, then I'm good. So she said that does not seem so me because she thought I'm that aesthetic kind of person. Like, 'Wouldn't it kinda ruin the picture? Even though you don't care, they will still be in the picture?'

Girl, yes, I am aesthetic, I express myself so. But I could not seem to execute that. I could not make that happen, because I could care less. What is best important is how good the bride and groom look like together. 

This leads to the subject of my dress. I had to spend so much on this dress???? What??? I do not care if it is a once in a lifetime thing... but to have spent so much. Anyway, against my stupid not wanting to spend, I hope it's worth it. I still haven't receive my dress! I used a dress from Arab that my cousin bought, as an example for Baba Nyonya to make my dress. Let's pray that it looks good. 

By the way, while we were looking for the perfect embroidery for my dress, akak saleswoman tu sibuk kata ni cantik, dik. Untuk wedding kita kenala spend banyak sikit. Nanti orang lain yang lagi stand out dari adik, tapi tu wedding adik.

Akak, seriously, I do not care if other people outshine me. Wear whatever you want. Outshine me. I do not care. As long as I know I look pretty with myself the way I want to, and not the way people expect me to be.

Talking about "What is best important is how good the bride and groom look like together", about the photos. I do not even want my photos to be published. Like, maybe a simple photo of me and my husband, not on the wedding day, just saying that we're married. And yea I'm talking about Instagram. And insyaaAllah, our wedding photographer, they are very professional that they would ask us if they could post anything on their social media. (Umm, maybe this is from all photographers, idk)

Because you know, I like the wedding photos. Girls are pretty. The theme and all are goals. I am not lying that I want a wedding like that. More specifically like Twilight. But I gotta be real. I can't picture myself in that spot. And I do not want to show people my wedding in beautiful photos. I am saying about my account. I will let my future husband and the photographer do that part. Lol who knows in future I will change my mind. 

More about wedding photos, I have mentioned before in my blog (I can't remember which post), that I dislike intimate wedding photos especially close ups. If you are advised to not be intimate in public, what more in photos that people can scrutinise every single detail of your spouse?????????????? 

In these photos, the look he gives you, of where his hands are placed on you, of how you could see the bride's body shape. If I could think this way, there could be other people who think alike. I do not want people to stare at the photos like I do. It's a shame. If for the Muslim without hijab, it is worst... a portrait photo showing how much the husband loves her, and you could see her neck and people can imagine the unimaginable. 

My post is so full of negative vibes lol whatever 

Since it is now 12AM, the timing for game events, my ideas are out. I might continue this later.


Mar 9, 2017


This is frikin true. Except maybe the very easygoing and love to joke around part. Hmmm but I am easygoing and love to joke around. With the right people and mood :D So this is wholly true :D

Mar 8, 2017


I think the way I give instructions to people is not clear 'cos they always don't do exactly what I told them T_T

Feb 26, 2017

#392 hate

I dislike someone to the point I want to hate them. But then as I live on, I realise I wouldn't benefit from hating, but more destruction to my life...

Feb 13, 2017


That one time when it was traffic congestion on Federal Highway, a redbull car was at the lane next to mine, and the passenger showed me the redbull drink, indicating it's for free. So I rolled down my windows and took it. Idk there was just a rush of adrenaline xD

Feb 10, 2017


Wow I am really pissed off with my junior sometimes.
Kalau bercakap, asyik nak gaduh je, said Mom to me and Dad.
It's true tho, we always fight just because of nothing. It's the way we talk to each other and really hurt each other's feelings.
I sometimes implant that attitude to my juniors. Okay most of the time. 'Cause I'm so impatient and I think my ego makes me want to win most of the time.

I mean I asked him to just email me, coz I fear that the file I choose to save would not be the updated one, and would lose one of the file. So it's safer to just email me and I can have a look.

I know the ways of the software actually. I can save my file at the same time have his version of file. But I was just so mad that I acted like I didn't know how. I texted, 'How?'

That's it. Coz I'm so done. Lol I know being immature. But whatever 'cause... I always try to be nice. I must be.

Jan 28, 2017


Ramai sangat orang. Aku pun takut sesat. Tapi takpe, kalau sesat tu sesat ke hati awak 😳

I always have my own pickup line to my own thoughts 😂

Jan 15, 2017


You know when your friend ask you to not be so anti-social?
I’m not anti-social. I’m selectively social. And I’m just not the person who goes out on weekend without a motivation. Yeah, bummer.
Because here at home I do socialize. See. I’m selectively social. You just can’t see it from social network. I refuse to let people easily know about my doings and who I am with. Shrugs.

#387 Expensive stuff to cover aurah

Expensive things to cover your aurah.... sure you're not the market. But in view of aurah, just for the sake of that, it's pretty downgrading the religion. Yes when it comes to jihad, you don't care the price. But expensive things to own, for yourself.... kind of contradict to jihad of putting your money for the better of Islaam (menginfakkan harta ke jalan Allah).

#386 You know you are pretty

I don't like to show to people how pretty I am or how prettier or prettiest myself could be. It takes away the mystery and specialness to be shown to only special people.

"You are pretty, do you know that?" Ha asked.
"Um.. Yeah.. I do."
"Well good, 'cause I'm going to tell you that for the rest of our lives together."

Ha said I'm pretty. I kind of know that.

Seriously, when you are pretty, you yourself would know. Please don't lie to yourself.

Of course there are times you look frikin bad. But still, you know you are pretty.


Idolising someone who's too famous is boring unless it's Chris Evans xD


Last night I had a dream dancing to a song, at a mall, on a stage where anyone can go 'perform', just for fun. I regret not remembering what song it was, but thankfully I could remember who I danced with. It was CHRIS FRIKIN EVANS. CHRIS EVANS. Not Captain America Chris Evans. But Chris Evans with all beard.

I didn't wear hijab of course. We were like from sports event, then straight wanted to try to dance. It was me and my siblings at first. Then when a new song played, I suddenly got so hyped that I started dance first and when I turn around, it was CHRIS EVANS T_T

We danced happily until the end of the song and after we finished, I hugged him so tight but only from his left side, with my right arm hugging his waist. He was wearing this usual grey shirt and it fitted him. Hahahah



You know there's always a character in a movie which is portrayed to be in 20s-30s, old enough to work, but then they just sit around at home unkempt unshaven & always with pajamas. Eat. Sleep. Watch TV. Play games. Like they have no goals in life.

Definitely me


I find it silly to have different courses for different 'level' of guests for events. No matter they're family or the most IP in the world... If you wanna give a person a certain course, you give to all. But that's an indirect political stuff in human interaction. Sad.


Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Social anxiety is fueled by ego, it’s fueled by that terrifying sense of ourselves as the center of everything. It’s huge burden to be the core of the world. It’s no wonder we freeze with terror at the thought of doing anything at all, of standing out, of creating ripples that might be felt.
The thought that there are other worlds out there just as fragile and large as ours can make the terror and dread even worse. What if we bump into someone else’s world and it shatters our own? What if we shatter someone else’s? What if they don’t even notice or acknowledge that we bumped into them? It’s best to just stay as invisible as possible, to say just enough to not stand out. That’s teenager Greg’s trick in Me and Earl and the Dying Girl. He has discovered that easy fix of blending in without disappearing, to just get by, to cover up uncomfortableness with humor, and never really admit that you love anyone or anything. Caring is vulnerable state to be in, and as his friend Earl points out, maybe Greg never really had a role model to show him there was another way. This type of living is aggressive in its mildness. It’s cutting everyone else off at the start.
I personally like this perspective from Source 1. It really tells about Greg and what I've been wanting to know about him that I couldn't catch throughout the film, or my lack of ability to assess his nature.

First off, such a freaking good movie. I hardly ever get seriously emotional during movies but I actually teared up a little during the end. The scene where they're watching the movie on the hospital bed with Brian Eno's music over it... damn. 

7 Differences between Me and Earl and the Dying Girl and Fault in Our Stars.
From this article, I have to admit that I like MEATDG more than TFIOS :)

Jan 1, 2017


Lets see if I'm gonna fall into those... makeups.. I mean I don't want them but MUA's have a way of persuading you that it's very difficult to object not because they're right but because you don't want to hurt people's feelings 

I want my own face
My own eyes
My own eyebrows
My own eyelashes

Yes you can definitely get this if they just understand