#448

Mom: Cuba bagitahu. Bagitahu je. Tak payah simpan.

Me: Dari sebelum tunang dulu, Erin tak nak kahwin.

Mom: Sebelum tunang? Kenapa kamu tak bagitahu dulu? Kalau dulu, boleh je tak payah kahwin.

Right then it hit me to the very core that agreeing to marry was the stupidest decision in my entire life. 

I'm suffering. And my husband is in the same condition. You might see that I don't give a damn. But inside I'm broken. It also affects me and my life and my work. That's why I always have no mood to work even though it is the place where I can escape my personal life. 

I guarantee you that this has no third person in the picture. It's just me. I do not want to get married yet. Not because I'm not ready. Because I don't love husband as I used to. I do not care for him as I used to. 

It is crazy to force myself to love him. Before I got married, I was afraid that I would get revenge on him. I tried to console myself, remember Him to istighfar and calm down. Think straight. Pray to Him. 

But then, I was defeated. My fear became reality. I get mad at husband because of the decision I have made myself. 

Again, if this still goes on, I would be pasrah. Redha, it might come later. Lowkey I still want this to go on. Because my husband is the so perfect you could not find another person as unique and good as him. That's the thing, I don't want him to get hurt. It is not fair for him. He loves me but I neglect him. It's hard to do good deeds. I know I have sinned since the day it became sah. But then it is so hard for me to force myself to love him. How do people do all these things without love? I have, in my mind, multiply killed him and my parents. And then killed myself. I could go crazy. Idk.

Nevertheless at the same time, since my parents knocked some sense into me, I am doing my best to be a better wife. But dear husband, my heart is lost.