#33

 Dude as usual I was bored so I scrolled IG then FB for some good stuff and positive vibes.

Then there's a streamer, using her profile, sharing gender centric stuff or is it stereotype? Yeah that one. Like... girl, no. I don't like it. Well actually some topic about stereotype I agree, looking at many perspectives. But those two shared posts... nah. Enough is enough. I unfollowed her xD

One was about, that it's lucky for women who have soft voices because people are at ease with them. Jadinya, suara perempuan yang halus ni untung, senang nak hidup. And her caption? She has harsh voice that people think when talking to them, she wants to quarrel. 

Dude, you can have a big voice but be soft spoken. Like, how else a MAN can be soft spoken? It's how you talk. But then, it's not wrong if your nature doesn't talk softly. You just can't change it. I know your caption and other comments are saying those, but that doesn't mean that you are against your own voice, maybe you accept it. But on the surface, you kind of are portraying to other women to feel bad about your voice. When it's actually completely normal to have big husky deep voices. 

Allahu. Kalau nak kata siapa lagi untung, untuk personal opinion yang berat sebelah, untung lagi jadi perempuan yang suara besar sebab tidak mudah untuk mendatangkan fitnah, mudah untuk mengawal cara cakap. Tegas dan besar suara. 

This is the thing that I wish to tell people but afraid so, because, well, it's kinda controversial. Also, it needs to be told in a way that it's not one sided, because who knows, girls with soft voices struggle too.

Side note:

Dude I'm so thankful of my appearances. I'm skinny, my butt is not big, my boobs are small, my voice is big (as what people say). Alhamdulillah Allah has made it easy for me to jaga aurat, termasuk aurat suara. And to girls out there who have the opposite, it's a test for you. And Allahu, it's not all ease in my life, Allah always has tests for us in this life. It's easy for me on these aurat thing, but it's hard for me on other aspects in my life.

Two was about women taking a long time when they're shopping, because they are calculating the surplus or deficit in buying 1kg or 500g. Something like that. 

Like... seriously, you wanna stereotype women in this? It's not only women though? Men do this too. Maybe people with knowledge or wisdom would do it. See, it's people who are meticulous. Not women. People need to stop stereotyping, man.

Sorry, I'm so anti and against with these kind of statements. 

#32

Every time I see other people being praised of their good deeds, I feel envy. But astaghfirullah al azim. 

It always reminds me of the IG post that came across in my explore page. Like MasyaaAllah for the explore page. MasyaaAllah how it appeared, how I terbuka hati lembut hati untuk bukak post tu and stay and read and listen. Bless the people who shared good things.

The post is about Nabi Sulaiman AS, and how he's good and knowledgeable with power.

The conclusion of the story is, ask for forgiveness from Allah, and ask from Him, if it's good for me, for my religion Islam, please grant me more of it, so I can do good deeds for me and also for other people. 

 

The Ustaz also said that, you need to know your weakness. If your weakness is fame or money or power, that with all those, you'd become bad, greedy or whatever negative, then don't ask for it. Ask for Allah to jauhkan dari semua ni and give something better, even though we do not know what to ask from Allah. Just ask to jauhkan diri kita dari lalai, riak dan takabbur.

Allahu Akbar.

If people were praising me in that group, idk how bad my 'bangga' is. It's hard to keep my heart sincere, to pujuk. It's hard enough now, it's gonna get worse if it really happens.

So I told my husband, that maybe, I'm just this mediocre (in a good way) and average person out there because Allah knows that being more than this, would make me forget Him. 

Allahu Akbar.

Whatever it is, I pray that Allah sends me good companions, good things to our way, and prevent us from anything that make us deviate from Allah SWT. 

#31

Dude. I just finished talking with mom on the phone. I absolutely looooooove conversations that include our connection and relations with Allah SWT. Like reaaaaallyy love it. I'd call it deep conversations. Like if you wanna talk about something, I can't help but relate to Him. Maybe because that's just it, Islam is our way of life. You just can't escape Allah. 

I'm so touched if the person I'm talking to doesn't make fun of me or like want to end it too quickly when I start talking about Allah SWT. But I also understand if they do, so I'm okay with both.

Also, I like to have deep thoughts conversation like that one time with my ex-colleague, I don't know if I regret starting that conversation, or starting to share my thoughts on that topic. The topic is deep thought like is the world actually flat? Yeah, these kind of topics hahah.

I guess I'm that weirdo in a group xD

#30

Oh how lovely it is that other people pray for you because you make them happy. Like alhamdulillah for the privilege to make people happy, to make people feel good. Even if they don't pray for us, but making them feel even a bit happy, suffice <3

#29

 How shallow he is that all he can think of when replying is, 'Ya ya pape je lah, jangan beban sangat.' How shallow his thinking that he doesn't think of every perspective of everyone. Like, you don't know EMPATHY. It's sad for him, but I still pray every one of us in this world is given the light to see that, to feel empathy on other people's situation. 

His comments are not critically building, but just shows how shallow and close-minded he is. 

And the fact that he replied that way, as if he doesn't know what else to write. Oh, don't tell me ~I don't read have time to reply to your comment~ when obviously you just made time to read and type xD 

To me, that's what I do. That's what I spend my time for. To address things to people, to tell people my perspective on what I do and what I belief. You can't tell me 'takde keje ke'. That's my job. 

Gosh. This comment hits me the same as how shallow online sellers are when I had to deal with one ^^" Gonna be a quite long while for me to get over it. But I'm trying <3

#28

Scrolled Facebook and saw two things.. but then I should be grateful. That's their rezeki, and Allah knows best. 

The podcast. Maybe Allah knows I'm not ready yet, even if I wish to have it as a first experience. Maybe it would not result in a good outcome. Maybe something bad will happen.

Women in Gaming month by agency. Maybe Allah wants to protect me from having to wear the clothes, because I would have no choice.

So if you obtain something, alhamdulillah. If someone else gets the opportunity but not you, alhamdulillah. Be happy and make du'a for them, Erin.

I know the second I saw these two updates, I would feel two ways. 

1. Why not me?
2. But alhamdulillah

I know I already pujuk myself to just be grateful, but I had to tell someone, I had to tell Ha, so that he's the outsider of my own thoughts to tell me, it's okay, be grateful.

Alhamdulillah.

#27

 So there are a few things I wanna talk about... 

-purdah sharing by ustaz

-jarang whatsapp

-aurat

-judging

-mysterious at its best

Idk which topic to talk first. But that just reminds me... tomorrow at 9pm I have a podcast I need to attend. Oh man.

Oh I just asked the PIC, they are still in discussion for the price... like... if it's too hard to take me, then you don't need to ^^" Malas nak cakap camni kat Uncle, sebab it seems negative, and Ha wouldn't agree to say that to Uncle. Ha wouldn't even say something like, because there is something in you that they want you to be in the podcast. But then Ha didn't say that -.- I know I want to hear what I want to hear but then yeah hahah never mind. 

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Tadi tengah gaduh dengan orang dekat PM page, asyik minta nombor WhatsApp, disuruh jadi Supporter tapi tak jadi Supporters, lepas tu tanya lagi nak nombor, like, haha macam macam ragam ya manusia ni.

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About jarang whatsapp, only less empathetic people ask about that. So questions like this, ignore je, tak perlu reply. Sama macam soalan yang kat atas tu haha. Not saying you're not important, but I have my priorities. And if people could not be empathic about that, then you need to learn how to.

----------

The topic judging is related to purdah sharing by Usatz. I've had a conversation with Ha about this, kinda long and I have no mood to type it all again here haha so next time insyaaAllah.

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Being mysterious at its best. THIS. I hate social media, how people easily know about you. How easy people can have access to information about you. Your height, age, weight, the place you live, your favourite things, food, drinks, fears, childhood stories. Oversharing.

But that's what people wanna know about.

When the thing is, our beloved mothers, we don't know about their appearances, masyaaAllah, of dunya things, favourite food and whatnots. But only their traits and exemplary characteristics. 

Which this related to purdah sharing by Ustaz. 

I just love being a nobody, a mysterious person, a secretive person, but at the same time, spreading good, insyaaAllah. May Allah use me of good in this dunya <3

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So about aurat. I worry so much about my friends, the streamers who opt to wear a certain way that you could see aurat is not covered properly. It is even recorded. The dosa jariah yang ada tu.. Allahu Akbar. I can only pray for them.

That's why I don't post other people's photos on all of my platforms. Fair to everyone so that no one terasa. And better that I jaga diorang daripada post.

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Updated 20 March 2021, 6:29pm

So makeup is tabarruj. Purdah is to elak fitnah. 

You wanna makeup for yourself, to feel confident, or you just simply love it. 

You wanna feel pretty? Wanna get some compliments? So that can boost your confidence? Idk

Yes it's tabarruj. But then again, when I relate it to not judging, you can't judge. 

Nak tegur pun, in this modern days... idk, rasa macam all the people out there already know ^^"

So in the end you just can't judge but du'a untuk diorang.

And really, never ever hate the sinner, but hate the sin.

Hablum minallah, hablum minannas. Allahu Akbar. 

Bayangkan sebab sorang je kita sakitkan hati, benda kecil, benda besar, dia tuntut kat akhirat.

Tak nak. Allahu :(

But anyway, I've worn  heavy makeup (heavy which means I need to wear foundation and such) on 8th July 2017. and 31st July 2017, then only on around 20th Dec 2020. Couldn't escape it if I enter this industry huh :/

#26

I posted a story on my FB profile. A quote and advice from AAPlus. 

I kinda hesitate because of the du'a. It's a good message but... my heart feels at the wrong place. But I posted it anyway. And the whole day I felt uneasy. 

 

Because I afraid by posting this, there would be riak or whatever or judging from my own self. 

But alhamdulillah, it was private. No one saw the story ^^"

I'll just pray in secret and just spread this verbally.

#25

 So I just saw a post on IG explore, a baby touching his parent's. Out of context. It just looks cute. But just watching that video, it reminds me of how attached I am to my mom and husband.

When I was a kid, I was scared to sleep alone, so I sleep in a bedroom with my parents, beside my mom, but on the floor and mattress. My mom sometimes has her hand hanging over so I would grab her hand while I'm sleeping. I guess my mom noticed this whenever I did that, because I remember she always responded to it :')

And now when I'm grown up and married, it's the feeling of needing to feel my husband beside me. Just a touch, not much, because the body temperature irks me xD

It's normal but I don't know how many people out of this whole world feel this way.

AND YES, I treat my blog like twitter or IG stories. Many posts a day if I have the mood to xD

#24

I have handled online sellers before. Also some online customers from Carousell and me seeling second hand stuff.

Then during working in an audit firm, I have handled queries from clients relating to... finance audit stuff.

But I never thought handling inquiries in this industry (photography and videography of wedding) is kinda more difficult xD 

Maybe because I am no expert in that field and that I'm just answering inquiries and am not actually the photographer or videographer that I wouldn't exactly know the situations that people are asking about.

So with just a little tiny bit experience in this field, I'm trying xD

Some people really get on my nerves like, CAN YOU READ?!?!?!?!?! HOW IGNORANT ARE YOU?!? THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN FRIKIN WEDDING DUDE

Ok.

But other than what's written, there are always things that are not there, so it leads to further inquiries which needs your experience in that. That's what I lack of. Sometimes this, get on my nerves, BUT if I were in their shoes, I would ask further things too. So yeah, I understand their position.

#23

 Monday, 15th March 2021, 1 Syaaban, 1442 AH.

Allahu. Dah Syaaban eh? Lagi sebulan eh? Haritu niat nak ganti puasa. It's only 10am now. I'm having a slight headache from what I don't know. But I'll just go with it. InsyaaAllah semuanya okay.

And I high key am thankful that our house upstairs are doing drilling because I kinda have not much spirit to go on life anytime soon today. Maybe a bit of late afternoon. Just to get that 3 hours insyaaAllah. Coz I missed the opportunity in the morning. So yeah.

#22

 3:53pm

Last night I asked my husband, and he so ever calmly answered me. Alhamdulillah for a person like this who married a person as impatient as me xD

I asked about how we couldn't send out cookies to our international supporters. He said that it's okay, it's beyond our control, because to get the certificates and all, it takes a real company ^^" So we'll try to give them back by sending other kind of gifts, like our merch, t-shirts. 

4:41pm

Also I wanna talk about Isra'  Mi'raj. Every year I listen to the seerah but I still forget the WHOLE story of it. I can only remember bits of it.

One of the beautiful things that my husband reminded me of is, how we are so blessed to directly talk to Allah in our Solah, during tahiyyatul awal and akhir. That du'a that we recite is what The Prophet SAW has spoke of when he met Allah SWT in the highest level of Jannah. Allahu. We are so privileged, and our beloved never forget about us. So that's why this peristiwa is sooo precious.

And yesterday's AA Closer email talked about this again, that I just read it today, like Allahu, thanks for the reminder <3

And we even learnt more about wudhu' during tazkirah from Abnaa Ul Jawi yesterday afternoon, because it relates to Solah. How we can make du'as during ablution of every part of the body for wudhu. 

Alhamdulillah <3

#21

Oh man. Something hit me. If they are married, it's either they continue to play the games, or seldom playing. I need to prepare for that ^^" Gonna miss them

#friendsforkeeps

#20

I guess I'm kind of different in stream and in the WhatsApp group. I might be funnier in stream rather than in WA. Like really, I'm that deep person who doesn't know much about jokes, sarcasm and such. 

Like, I like to talk about deep stuff ya know. So that's why I couldn't chat much coz eventually I'll go there. But if you message me privately, then I'm comfortable to talk about deep stuff. 

Coz I really can't blend in with their conversations xD 

#19

“Not streaming cause no one would watch me stream anyway.”

Advise from a pro, “Don’t be too humble, like gameplay noob di sini.”

“What do you guys want from me? Do you hate me so much? Do you not want me to not exist?”

Girl... even your pinned comment says takmo sedih2. Kalau sedih, jangan ditunjuk. Kalau sedih, simpan. What people want from you is to put that mask on and be “happy”. Faking being happy in front of people could already make other people happy. 

Omg I just realise that... imagine how you want to not make your mom sad???? Smile, be happy in front of her!!!!

masyaAllah 

Something to ponder ;~;

#18

 Dude... we had a talk. We realise, that, it's his nature that he's the way he is. All so mighty and anger.

He's always apologetic afterwards, and I always need to be understanding. 

We've come to that terms insyaaAllah. 

May Allah reward us for our love and patience for each other.

Lahaula walakuata illabillah aliyil azeem.

#17

6:08pm

Okay so I was scrolling Facebook, wanted to take a nap whenever I feel sleepy. But then there was a post that irks me...

But before that, I was reminded, that I should be thankful... like always always always be thankful, dear Erin. Every time I feel bad when I was streaming, because of my mood at that time, because of the views, because of my performance, because of how un-engaging I am because of how un-engaging Ha was, I forgot to be grateful.

Because... alhamdulillah, we got so many stars donation today. Like... Erin, alhamdulillah. Syukur. Other people have it worst. PLEASE DON'T BE HASAD DENGKI!!!!!!!! Oh Allah protect me from hasad dengki :(

So now let's go to the post that irks me.

I don't know if you can read the text oh the photo. But I just kinda hate, really, like hate how some people put it this kind of way, that if you can stream at night and also gift me something like this, then a wifey wouldn't mind that you stream at night. 

Maybe I'm biased because the ring is something that you wear and other people can see. Because to think again, I might would have wanted something from my husband if I were in her shoes, i.e. having kids and husband streaming at night.

But... I'm just so done with material stuff. I don't want a big house, a big wardrobe, loads of clothes, big expensive cars, sports cars, rings, like the things people can see. But if bigger house or car that would help the economy of my family (because too many members or work purpose then okay). 

This reminded me of my ustaz during kursus kahwin, that he spends his money for his wife buying K-drama stuff. Things that people can't see.

I just can't blame the person above coz every person's interest is different.

But then maybe I just dislike showing expensive things to the public, or make it visible, you know what I mean? You are not showing, you are just simply wearing it, but you going out, can be seen by public, hence it doesn't feel good. 

To make it fair, I still loooove rings but only those silver or silver gold rings AND if the design is like for example, a FOX, an animal sort of kind, and not like those like in the photo haha.

But... I think what I'm saying here, for myself, is the fact that, you need to be gifted material things in order for you to bless your own spouse. I mean I know, it's not wrong to have these things, tapi berpada-pada, dan tengok apa niat. 

Welp, I could be very wrong.

Wallahua'lam.

#16

 Feb 16, 2021

As views and follower count increased, I began to shrink. I felt incredibly small and I struggled a lot and spoke constantly with Him. "Ya Allah, keep my heart sincere. Allow me to be firm in my intentions and don't let me be swayed or distracted by things that don't please You. Keep using me for good, keep sending me good companions and good teachers, and keep me firm on Your Path!"

 

#15

 Feb 20, 2021

You know what keeps me sane and somewhat calm, my online usrah AAPlus, and the Quran recitations and Selawat Syifa' that I let play on computer on loud speaker. 

Coz no matter how I try to block negative thoughts, I couldn't do it by myself. I need assistance like those I mentioned earlier. 

So alhamdulillah for the people that exist around me, real-life or online, directly or indirectly reminding me of Allah and good things <3

#14

 Feb 20, 2021

AA said in one post of how she misses Masjids so much and that just reminds me of especially during University time when I would go around with friends and visited various kinds of Musolla and Masjids.

I loved how I was able to visit suraus and masjid. It's a lovely feeling although some suraus or masjids are not women-friendly but that's the test that we need to go through just for the sake of Allah.

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity. 

I pray may we are able to visit the Houses of Allah. 

Amin.

#13

 Feb 28, 2021

May Allah always guide us to people, places, and opportunities where there is nothing but goodness and lightness, Amin.

 — AAPlus