#43

I’ve watched people’s live stream on TT. Lately more to chatting rather than games. And I find myself comparing still. 

I thought I would just compare if it’s an ML live but no. I also compare myself if the person is doing chatting live. 

I realise I don’t know how to make small talks, how to make myself interesting, that I’m not an interesting person to talk to. 

Only one person that I know who would listen to me babble even when I’m not funny—my husband. Not just because I’m his wife but as a person. 

Well you know what? Other than my mom and my close friends if we got the chance to have that time together 🤍

So I’m worried that I’m not interesting to people, that I don’t know what to talk about, that my tone is monotonous, or that I don’t speak clearly. That every time I live, I try to make people like me, try to entertain people, by not being myself?

I’ve been through this pep talk with myself, that just be yourself. But suddenly I’m overwhelmed by the comparison I made on myself. I couldn’t handle to fight it for now and that’s why I’m here. 

The world is temporary, just obey Allah. It’s so easy yet we make it so difficult to live in it. Sigh. 

#42

Suicidal thoughts are so easy to come by. I am useless in this house. I am unable to bear a child. I ignore my family. I ignore my extended family. I’m not doing good with the company I’m working with. I’m not handling the ‘fame’ well. I abandon my friends. 

Actually for everything above, it’s because I am unable to be a good wife. 

* * *

The writing was paused for a while. 

But now I have a lil bit of time to write. I remember a video on TT saying you can count all the bad things happened or happening in your life but Wallahi you cannot begin to count all the blessings Allah has given you because it is countless.