#63

10:16pm

Should I try to write something or play games eh... haha

1st January 2021, 3:06pm

I played WR until 2AM last night. With only one victory like what the heck. I feel so down man. Like, what good do I do in this life???????????????????????

Maybe I should have focused on thinking what to write for my first post on IG.

Writing captions is so hard. So I'm gonna start with pouring my heart out here.

And... funny thing is, I don't even know what to write as reflection here. Lately I don't have reflections. All I know is how bad I am in everything. 

As I see my group is so active with supporters chatting with each other, I'm happy for them that they found each other. Coz I can't do much. I can't say much. I'm not an inspiration, I don't help them, I don't give them advices, I don't teach them anything. I just exist. I'm the cold person whom when I enter the room, everything feels gloomy, the vibe is so dull and no one knows what to say. Yes, you are who you think you are. All these negative thoughts instilled in my mind maybe have made me who I am. Who I feel I am.

And tbh, the above paragraph is not something that people want to read. 

I read a journey post from Fr*zo. He mentioned me, but at the end the post, I was not a big impact to his life. I'm a nobody. I only gave two sentences to make him feel appreciated and that was it. See, I don't affect people.

But Allahu, I should be thankful. I should see that, even that tiny effort, simple words of motivation, could make him feel even the slightest appreciated, is already a blessing. You should know that Allah sees, Allah knows. Even one person who is affected positively from you, even though the slightest, is a blessing, Erin.

I'm still struggling in talking and being witty on and off the screen because I'm just really bad at processing words. I don't know if I'll ever get there. But I'll try. 

I'm so ashamed when I read AA's love letter to her email Supporters whom she calls as 'Guardians'. She's so positive with the people that supported her. While I, question people why do people want to support me, my cause? What do they want more from me? I don't deserve them?

But AA, she is so positive, so thankful. Husband always tell me the same thing, I always tell myself the same thing, but the weak in me always tell negative things. Fighting your own demons is so mentally exhausting. That's why the happiness I see in the group keeps me going. Because it balance out my exhaustion with positive things and energy from them.

Which make me so guilty to them, because what could I offer? I do not engage much with them, but I'm happy that they interact with each other, alhamdulillah.

So I just don't know where this is going. All I wanted is a caption for my post *sobs*

Let's start with what I want to achieve.

- gain weight and maintain. Why? To have a healthy lifestyle, not feeling lethargic, to be able to serve more to the community, especially in this streaming industry.

- wake up in time for fajr!

- stream daily at 6:30AM

Other goals are actually pretty hard, like:

- to be able to speak fluently on and off screen, in English and Malay

- To visit family more

It's 5:47PM and I still can't get any caption in mind ARGH

6:41PM HAHAHAHHAHA ALMOST GIVING UP

#62

Even your partner gets tired of you 😂 

of your everyday 

“unnecessary sadness” 

“unnecessary sulking” 

“unnecessary feel of unworthiness”.

He’ll say don’t be like this

You need to be strong

I believe in you

I’m tired of pujuk-ing you

I’m out of motivation words already 

Kenapa macam ni

Tak suka la

You need to be the leader

You need to be the best out there

As a wife, I fail in many ways even when I want to do things to obtain His blessings. 

#61

I have my own opinions. But people don’t know. I’m still a human. I’d like some people that I like, to know. But then I’m taught to keep it to myself. So I’m silent. Through and through. 

#60

I’ve lost that tranquility on my daily life. Something is just not right. It’s so torturous to live this way :( 

#59

I want to mengadu to my fam but I feel like they’ll see me as budak suka complain like kid, stop whining or something like that

I just don’t know what to do anymore :(

#58

When you’re too used to isolate yourself from the world, that you don’t talk to people, no casual conversation, even with your closed ones, it affects how you try to deliver your work 

You just don’t know what to say lol le sighhh

#57

 Shout out to everyone out there who is struggling, who feels like nothing you do makes a difference to yourself or the people around you.

Coz I'm here, I feel you.

I know behind each and everyone of your smiles, there lies behind something that bothers you, you just had to push it off in order to face the world, to kinda move on.

And spiritually speaking, Allah knows. Allah has put you in this situation so you can go through it, so you can grow out of it. InsyaaAllah.

Let's do our best to obtain His blessings.

#56

Outtakes from AA Podcast

 

I was wasting my frustration about, does this have a point, of what we do?
Shouldn't we do more like humanitarian work or the human rights issues like joining a charity ngo stuff?

aren't we really too like spoiled to be focusing on art and literature and articles and those kind of things?

she (my friend) said you know you can't always be putting out fires because there are always new fires will be starting somewhere else. you have to work on something more lasting, work on something that help you as well, and that would be another kind of help to others. and that just helped me immensely because she was right.

There are more and more things happening every single day but we just need to focus on the things that WE can do best, and how we can contribute to this history that is happening right now and how we can help those who are somehow coming to our work or somehow going to benefit from our work.

#55

 Oh lord I feel so..... untalented and outdated. Yes, people are more to talking now rather than playing games. And I'm just feeling so bad mood right now lagi lagi bila air takde kat sini >:( jaklfdalksd;jflkasjdfk;

#54

 We were talking about moods and kempunan and yearnings. One time I had mood for this botol kaca soybean Vsoy and Ha bought a whole carton of it because before that, almost everyday that I ask to buy that drink HAHA

Another time I was in mood of a whole pack of Super Ring! I think there were around 30 packs?

Then another time I wanted 'Love Letters' biscuit that we bought 4kg tin of it at NSK HAHAH

My addiction to Nescafe has always been there so we actually received like 8 cartons of Nescafe tins sponsored via FB like... Oh My Lord xD memang takkan habis....

Yesterday I was thinking about the work 'drinking', like why do you associate such a beautiful word to being drunk, or drinking alcohol. Like, "Don't drink and drive" or "Are you drinking?". It became a negative word I'm so upset. "Drunk" is okay. But the base word drink? Hm

We got in the car together for after a loooong time and I just got my caffeine with me (Nescafe). So I danced to 24k Carats and Ice Ice Baby all the hiphop songs hahah been a long time since I got to dance in the car.

Alhamdulillah for today <3

#53

Tbh I always feel down on a daily basis. But when I wake up, I read texts from the group, from KARRA fam, they always lift each other up, while acknowledging each other's struggle. 

I thought I'm the one who's trying hard to make people happy and be positive, but it's actually them who help me get through the day <3 Alhamdulillah thank you Allah for sending me these people

#52

It has been so long since I made reflections... I don't actually have anything right now. I'm in the middle of a class-usrah to be exact. 

I don't know man, I feel empty right now. Been a few weeks, like, why am I not moved by any religious stuff?!

Also I'm kinda angry at myself for not putting into practice on what I have learnt about Solah. Like I'm still rushing into it. Sigh

Also, I'm embarrassed by what Adib has said to me publicly :( Sorry I made you uncomfortable... I just wanted to gift and to give, without asking for anything in return, really.

I just pray tomorrow will be better, and that I perform better, insyaaAllah <3

#51

12:29PM

I don't know how many times that I have to reassure myself to always be thankful, always be motivated and semangat. It's tiring to fight myself. It's tiring to fight back the weak version of me.

All I want to do is just vanish, because it seems like I don't give any positive impact to a community, even my mom and dad. This statement seems selfish, but I just so rarely keep in touch with my family, hence does my existence matter?

I might have lost myself in the pursue of good performance on statistics. I was high spirited, especially at night, as Ane*q said it. But what happened now? I can't use Rina as an excuse. Heck, I feel like I want her to disappear, so that I become one. Because she is me and I am her. 

I think I have mistaken myself with her. All my light has gone to her and that's why people want her more than they want me. Why care what people think of you, when you can become yourself, the Rina in you?

I hate how I always wanted to ask my supporters, but Ha said, there's no need. But lately, he wants me to ask them. Like, really? I hate how he changes in his principle. I have always. always wanted to ask them, especially those who I have been PM-ing coz I feel closer to them. But Ha didn't let me.

I feel like having this deep conversation with them, not only would benefit me, but also to them. Because I feel so lost right now. 

*few minutes later*

Just realised I couldn't solat and dah masuk waktu, so I was forcing myself catching up with AA's love letters. That's good though, food for my soul.

3:23PM

Finished lunch with husband and some reflections. Well, Rina is actually me with husband so I can't actually show that character in front of people, but as a different persona, which is... Rina herself haha

It's true though that I can actually be some of Rina, because that's basically me. I'm actually crazy and crack and happy-go-lucky I just overlooked myself yakno.

Actually I miss being crazy during live stream. These 2-3 months, I've been kinda reserved...

Whenever I start to feel I'm unworthy, I always force myself to say Alhamdulillah. Grateful that I have things to do. Grateful that my time is not idle. Grateful that this way, I can serve. Grateful that I can be out there. Grateful that I actually have EVERYTHING I NEED to live, because that's all I want, the things I need, not the things I want. 

With the "wealth" that I have, I want to give back to the community, to my family, to make people happy, to make especially my parents happy, because Allah loves it. This is one the sharing from Neelofa. 

Grateful that Allah gives me this 'hardship' because He is purifying me, testing me, for me to be better. Even though it does not seem as hardship to other people, but inside, mentally, you are struggling, so appreciate and don't put away that feeling, because you need to go through it.

Grateful that He gives this hardship, to also test you, do you rely on Him? You do your best, you do your part, then surrender everything to Allah, not to human.

But really though, how do I know if I have surrendered everything to Allah after I've done something? Hm

Anyway, I couldn't rest last night, because I think too much, worry too much. I depended on Ha to ease me, to give me ease of words, but he did not. So I just listened to random Quran recitations and persuade myself to ignore your husband and rely on Allah. Alhamdulillah I had a good sleep and did not feel bad when I woke up. I did not feel lazy when I wanted to wake up. Alhamdulillah.

Really though, yes they are the people who Allah lent you for your comfort, but you just can't depend on them.

I'm just blabbering as usual, hence there's no conclusion to this. It's what's been on my mind. So adios.

#50

The pathetic thing is, I'm all evil inside, the worst you see in a spouse, that's what I feel, but I don't show it, because Allahu, Allah hates that. All I can do is just istighfar, cry, and tell Him. Coz no one would understand. 

#49

Everybody wants something from someone, from what they invest in. I guess?

I just don't know how to be fair to my supporters while I'm struggling with myself.

Everything looks fine on the surface. I could NOT, ever, show that I'm struggling, or something is just not right with me.

But I know, alhamdulillah for everything that I have, everyone that is still with me, especially my husband. And mom who always think of me, I'm sure of that. I just don't know how to physically give back to them except making du'as for them. 

I guess I'm just exhausted thinking about achieving this KPIs, and at the same time doing it with sincerity. It's definitely a struggle. The most that I'm struggling with is my appetite. I want to be healthy to do better. It's so easy for me to plan out things, to say to myself that I should this and that, but it's a struggle. 

It's almost 7 months coming, and I haven't given back anything to my supporters...

I can't do the things people expect me to do. I'm not being berlagak, it's just not achievable. Are there pro players actually playing with supporters? No. Am I a pro player? No I'm not, I know that. Are there pro player who wants to play with me during stream? No. And I know you know why.

You can't please everyone. 

Bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days xD really. 

It's useless to cry in front of my husband. He knows my struggle, but it would be the same thing. Coz every change starts with me. Only I can help myself.

I'll take a good example, Ginn. He really produces videos that are beneficial to his viewers. That's why people support him, and stay with him.

While I do nothing. I know we've actually done many things, but in the eyes of people, we haven't done a thing, really.

People are gonna find my faults and flaws and leave me. I don't and could never show I'm sad or say things that erupt negative vibes like I'm not too good or whatever. 

What they will see are excuses. They would think I'm making a big deal out of it that those are just small matters. Also I don't want to take people for granted.

Aku tak mengharapkan duit stars, atau supporters, atau lain-lain. Aku tak boleh cakap camni kat orang. Tapi memang, kalau ada tu, alhamdulillah. Semuanya datang dari Allah. Sesetengah orang je faham. Jadi benda camni, tak dapat nak bagitahu. Lagi-lagi pasal 'supporters', memang rasanya ada orang akan terasa, macam dia tu tak penting. Allahu, pentingnya dia, dah buat saya gembira, buat seorang insan yang lain gembira. Itu juga apa yang Allah suka.

Just like I said above, bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days. Me and husband always joke about how if we wanna go to the pharmacy, we would definitely just look for this Abang Bob, because he gives out such positive vibes. And today, it was an Akak. A new staff I guess, but more senior than him in terms of pangkat or knowledge as I see it. 

So... conclusion of this, I don't know. Haha. I hope you have a good day, my dear.

#48

Writing less here doesn't mean I reflect less. It's just that I have other places that I meditate. On Telegram, whatsapp, to my husband actually. Haha so yea. 

 

Anyway this post is about... seeing friends needing, yearning for a significant other. 

 

At first, seeing D having those feelings, so apparently showing it on his social media, seems so cringy. Because like, they would always, always look up to quotes like kalau jodoh tak ke mana, quotes about jodoh basically. But then they still voice out the yearning to have that significant other. 

 

But then when I saw my girlfriend saying it, it's really a serious feeling, despite you trying to be closer to Allah. It's human nature. And maybe I feel cringe because I have forgotten how it's like to yearn to get married to my husband. Because now, I feel like, yea, alhamdulillah we're married. I might have forgotten what it felt like to wait for him, that's why I feel cringe.

 

Hence here, I pray that Allah grant them soleh/solehah spouses at the perfect time that He has planned. 

 

In the meantime, through hardship or happiness or struggle, even a long or short period of time, let us embrace the moment and learn from it. 

#47

Iman and Aida talk about first loves, so I wanna share mine.

So here my relationship of me and Ha have so many things in common, with Aida and Kareem.

Thinking back, when I was in MRSM, I was my best. I felt good. I was in sports, I was the best student, etc etc.

Then I changed, I went introvert but at the the same time, I KNEW, I just ~KNEW I could do so much more to help other people. But I didn't.

And even answering to Ha's question, what do you want when we got married? My answer was just to marry, have kids, that's all.

There was no vision in that. When actually I could do more.

So, coming to this sharing by Iman and Aida, masyaaAllah. They talk about how a future husband should be able to allow you to grow, not just being in our bubble and comfort zone.

So marrying Ha, has allowed me to grow. Allah has allowed me to marry Ha, He pinjamkan Ha to me, for me to GROW. For me to do better things in this life that which I actually have wished for, for the longest time.

Even though it's nothing much, or maybe I couldn't see what impact I have made on people, I have actually did something, because of Allah. Allah, has allowed these things to happen.

Also, how I married my husband, the story before getting married, is so similar.
Aida's version was this:

Min 27:00
A: There was a sharing from a friend,
Love appears in 90 places in Quran
But does not define what love means
But speaks about the consequences of Love
Is COMMITTING.

If you truly love, then commit. If you don't commit, then your claim of love is not real.

A: it's either you marry me, or we're not talking.

So Aida posted this on Kareem's FB wall.
Aida was serious, like if you won't commit, we are not together.

So back then in Nov 2012, I PM-ed Ha in Facebook, that, 'kalau takde niat nak kahwin, jangan teruskan hubungan ni.' Or something like that.

We went on with the relationship anyway. And like A and K's before marriage relationship, my relationship with Ha was a disaster before marriage. Almost 5 years of 'dating', we got to know each other, but so many heartbreaks and sins.

Like Aida mentioned, A and K tried long distance relationship and it was bad.

But alhamdulillah we are united.

Like they said, they are always days when I feel like I HATE Ha but masyaaAllah, when you calm down yourself and think of Allah, everything dawns on you that this is the best for me, insyaaAllah.

Moreoever, they talk about how husband and wife encourage each other to grow, remind each other etc.

Continuing Min 27:00

A: Both A and K do not have things in common, but Kareem is like Khadijah to A.
K is so supportive for A's growth masyaaAllah.

That's how me and Ha are. Subhanallah :') It's more of Ha actually HAHAH.

And remember that my vision of marriage was like close to none? Ha believed in me, that I can do great things.

Excerp of text:

Min 18:50

A replied to K, "That was weird for me to hear coz for the longest time I was told that I'm just ordinary girl who's gonna do ordinary things."

I have always thought, I don't wanna be out there, so I'm just gonna be that accountant and that's it, although like I said, deep down in my core I knew I could do more. But HA, he sees that I can be more, and do more, do great things. Inspire people. Not just being that ordinary Malaysian girl, yakno?

K said to A, "You are a special person with a special voice, and you're gonna do great things in this world."

I don't know if K meant literally about the voice, but really, this applies to me. Ha didn't say the same thing, but he implies as it. Alhamdulillah I do have that special voice, and Ha believes that I'm special. I mean, honestly, every person is special in their own way. And with this, Ha believes that I can do great things in this world, even if it's not how AA does it. Every person is special in their own way, remember?

Then I told A:

I: The fact that you have somebody with you, day in and day out, just feeding you all this positive energy, like HE is doing service to the world just by encouraging you.

A: For every girl I help, it's all because of you.

Like masyaaAllah. Yes, Ha is ALWAYS giving me positive energy, to be positive, encouraging me everyday. And to be honest, all this happens because of Ha. Like fer reals. Allah has planned it out so well.

We do have things in common, but we also have so many things not in common. So yeah, alhamdulillah.

#46

Being good and pretty and kind ain’t suffice. You needa be charismatic. Dayyum. Where can I get that 

#45

A few things crossed my mind.

One thing when I was about to think of the title number, I thought, I only had 44 posts in 9 months. How detached I am with journaling my feelings here.

Then before that, I saw Mad's latest post. I haven't read it but I can't wait, I'm excited. No matter what kind of story, hers will always be heartfelt.

And actually, I forgot the other things, the main reason I wanted to write this new post today...

Ok I remember now. I just looked back at my phone, on what made me want to straight away go here and write something.

It was the calamity among my siblings, that has been lifted up. Alhamdulillah. Which it is included in the blessings that I have this year. That my two siblings are now in peace with each other. Alhamdulillah.

I thought it was gonna be forever, or a veeeery long time. I couldn't do much but du'a. And alhamdulillah.

Actually, I think it was since laster year... or the previous year... I can't remember. But then again, I'll include that in the list of blessings I have this year, 2020.

This blessing is related to the time that goes so fast this year and how less I do reflections on blogger. So many things have happened.

I am forever grateful that my husband is with me all through.

Alhamdulillah.

#44

 It started with me just voicing out that I have a class on Allah's name, At-Tawwab, The Most Forgiving.

Which could easily relates to Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim. Rahmat Allah. Sejauh mana. Kepada semua manusia, baik Islam atau kafir. 

And suddenly it led to the answer I have been looking for for so long... subhannalah. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah. 

To why are we even created? Not what's the purpose of us in this life, but it's why even want to create us humans?

My husband shared what he has learnt from Dr Zakir Naik on YouTube. 

About roh in luh mahfuz. Etc etc. I don't wanna go into detail on that, unless I have found the source. But may Allah reward my husband for this sharing. I cried. MasyaaAllah. 

All this while, all I know is to just do good and I will be rewarded. I did not feel the sweetness of it all. The real sweetness.

Maybe I only felt that really deep connection only at the moment I cried, and while I am writing now. But I hope I will feel it again, and continuously seek for it. Because Allahu, it is such a good feeling. 

In this dunya, it's not always rainbows and butterflies, like Jannah. In Jannah, we only feel good things. But not dunya. So I do expect that that sweetness I felt when Ha was sharing the story, would not last. It is a constant and insyaaAllah istiqomah thing to seek for.

So alhamdulillah for the feeling that I have felt even for a minute. 

May we be istiqomah in our journey to seek His blessings.

#43

 

Subhanallah. My intention was never to take anyone from anyone. All I ever intent, the ultimate intention is to obtain His blessings.  

My intention, our intention, is to inspire people, through showing good and do good, be good and kind. If anyone is ever inspired by that, then alhamdulillah.

It's like how a teacher teaches his students, and then the students use the knowledge to apply in his daily life, to improve his life, that benefits him. 

To be fair, would you feel the same way if I were other celebrity? No, right? :) Because it is impossible.

And masyaaAllah sister, you cannot force people to accept someone. "If you are still single awak boleh terima dia." Girl, how can it be that easy when you yourself feel affected and hard to let him go.

I want to say something about this because I feel affected. I feel affected because it's not what I want things to happen. I want people especially women to feel confident in themselves and do good be kind to people, always. Even when people do bad things to you. MasyaaAllah, Allah will reward you for that. 

On a side note, I'm trying to be an inspiration, not just with how I bring myself and the clothes I wear, but also charismatically, how I talk and such, like Aida Azlin. I'm still trying to hone that skill insyaaAllah for the better. Because I do think I can. Allah has gifted us sets of skills and it's up to us on what we're gonna do about it.

Despite everything, what you see, I may look perfect but subhanallah, I am not. Kita nampak hebat dan baik sebab Allah tutup aib kita. Kalau Allah buka aib kita.. percayalah, sahabat baik, keluarga kita dan pasangan kita pon lari tinggalkan kita. 

Put that aside, this is not the first time I received this kind of message. There was even a married woman who DM-ed me to stop getting to her husband. Like... subhanallah. To be fair, what I see from my side, I never had a content that was 'menggatal'.

And take Nabil Raja Lawak for example. He was always mengusik Neelofa. But he's married. It's all about content creation. Be it a man or a woman.

For everyone who feels insecure seeing their partner falling or having a crush on a person you see ONLINE, we need to be confident in ourselves, despite our imperfection. What you are feeling is insecurity. Doesn't mean I look good, talk good, that I have a good heart, because only Allah knows, and no one is perfect. Always rely on Him. And I always pray good for everyone, for the ummah, insyaaAllah.

Again I say, I'm not perfect as you see. We are destined to know each other for a reason. Alhamdulillah.

Update

17 September 2020, 12:09pm

I'm not saying bad stuff here but... turns out she's also sharing a guy's live stream with captions like, "xxxx hensem" or "xxxx cute". Like, girl... and then you mengadu like this to the page. Maybe you need to have a reflection, muhasabah diri. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but that's what I see, as a stranger to your situation. And then what more, you want to be insecure. Subhnallah *pening gw*

#42

Whenever I don't know what more to do in my life, I'm always reminded for the people who exist in my life, for their du'as. Their du's even when they don't know whatever troubles I'm facing. I also pray the same for them. 

For their support. For their support of time and money. Subhanallah. I'm actually thinking of our supporters, who Allah has gerakkan hati diorang untuk spend that money to support us. Supporting us so that we can move forward, continue our journey to get His blessings, masyaaAllah.

Also to anyone who has invested their time to support us.

Despite that, thanks to my family. They don't directly support me, because they were not the first persons whom I tell about my work to. But still, when they knew, even when we still have not got any money out of it, Mom still supported me. Mom was so happy too, seeing I kinda did modelling, even when I did it for one or two instance haha. 

Really. Alhamdulillah. Don't forget to mention Him. Whatever your situation is. Innallaha ma'na.

#41

I wish I can end my life

It’s just a feet away

To jump

Maybe you don’t even need to jump 

The knife would suffice

#40

 The other day in office I finally got to see a new post uploaded by my friend. It's true what AJ said, people look fine on the surface, but trust me, we are all messed up inside. 

So I told about her during my live stream on last Tuesday. I didn't know it hit me bad. Sebak. Haha. Coz I understand what she's feeling and that I've been there, and also it's kinda what I do feel on day-to-day basis but I just put it away.

See, alhamdulillah that I can put it away, distract myself. But for some people, it's hard. And I just said, it all goes back to Allah. Remember Him, and He will remember us. That's what He has promised. That's what she has done.

Allah is so close to us, we just need to remember Him. 

It's an everyday struggle. Heck, it might be every one or two hours struggle. We need to always remind ourselves. 

So, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

#39

Rasa suka itu memang fitrah, kerana menyedari perasaan seumpama itu suatu fitrah maka seseorang insan itu tidak perlu terlalu memberatkannya. Ada rasa namun tidaklah disusuli usaha (sebab belum bersedia).Malah dibiarkan rasa itu singgah dan berlalu seperti itu sahaja, tidak melekat di jiwa. Hati pun lega! ^^

- source 

#38

 
Serious rasa nak uninstall. Hahah. Dah tak reti nak main pape hero dah. Malas nak cakap camni kat Ha sebab nanti dia cakap malas la nak cakap ngan awak, suka hati awak lah. Dah cakap banyak kali. Then there's that face again. That attitude again.

See? No one will help you unless you help yourself. No one will mend your own heart except yourself. No one, even the person you think you're closest with will help you, when you feel helpless. When you feel like you want to give up and everything, no one will say, don't stop, you can do this. They will just let you be until you get your shit together, on your own. That's the everyday struggle that you need to go through. You just don't have anyone except yourself and to tell Him and just feel it on your own. In the end, it's yourself yang kena pujuk diri.

#37

----------------------

August 5, 2020, 10:37am

Allahuakbar. 

I wasn't doing zikr or whatever. I just called Dad, then Be'es then texted Ha. I wanted to call towing but then subhanallah, there was a guy who noticed the flat tyre. I was hesitant but then, it's better that the tyre is changed and I drive the car myself to nearby bengkel. 

So I got out of the car and asked them for help. Three guys thank youuuuuuuuu so much may Allah reward you for your kindness. Jazakallahu khairan katheera. 

I'm so not good in paying people for their good deeds so I couldn't think of giving money just a really huge thank you and a huge smile which was hidden behind the mask. And du'a from me insyaaAllah. May Allah reward them. Allah knows who, Allah knows best.

I am not sure of what to take on from this incident. But alhamdulillah Allah has eased my affair regarding the car. I don't have to wait for towing car, and I got to office early. 

I have planned to arrive earlier but maybe no one was around in the office, so the incident happened. And Allah wants the guys to do good. Allah wants me to seek him. Allah wants me to pray for them. Subhanallah. 

Alhamdulillah I did not get into an accident coz really, it could be A HUGGGEEE accident because I was frikin speeding with a tayar bocor and the car on my left saw my car. He must have been freakin out. I was speeding plus there was like a round about u-turn. It felt weird when after the bumper kat exit Kg Puah tu. Bunyi pelik. I think I noticed the weird sound when I entered the 'highway'. But I insisted on potong kereta yang lagi power hahahaha. Teruk naw. Unke must be angry if he knows this.

To add to the story, I woke up early today at 4:30am to stream early. I was like, I felt something was missing out. Solat. Rasa cam nak solat. I was like... solat taubat is too long. It can be shortened tapi cam rasa tak best coz it would be rushed. So solat tahajjud je lah. I do not know the specific things but I just niat solat tahajjud 2 rakaat kerana Allah Ta'ala. Then before stream, I renewed my intentions for my work. And my work here as an accountant. Because after listening to AA's woman up podcast titled Striving Not Surviving, it's so refreshing and makes me bersemangat to do things. Including this office work ^^

And I ada doa dalam hati, Ya Allah, please guide me everyday in me making decisions on day to day basis. Terdetik dalam hati. Sebab itu la doa yang disarankan dalam AA Plus so alhamdulillah it has benefited me insyaaAllah will continue to do so.

#36

See. It’s easy to say you wanna vanish. But it’s not that easy to be gone. You still need to live. 

Maybe I’m just not that empathetic when it comes to dealing with humans. My words are not kind, my tones are harsh, my body language mocks people even when my head says be empathetic. 

My EQ seems not that high although my teacher said that it is. 

I always try not to spark any fight but his sensitive heart is always touched. I feel so dejected every day if that were to happen. Especially when I had to go to work. 

Then I remembered about AA lesson about how Rasulullah SAW address and handle issues because of his high EQ. When we want to deal and address issues, you need to look at the timing and that each party is safe and peace at heart, is in good condition, good health. It’s not good to just “let’s settle it right here right now”. So idk, I pray we are okay. I pray—

May Allah mend our broken hearts. 

May Allah soften our hearts. 

#35

I was doing my work. Lost track of time and date.

But as I chill out and ready to write a journal, typed out the date, it looks so familiar and it warms my heart. 

Sanah helwah Mad

May you always be under Allah’s protection.

May Allah always keep you safe, well, happy, blessed.

❤️🌸

#34

Lol I was wondering what was my post #33 about. About suicide xD I guess that episode has passed... Coz no I do not want to kill myself. Should I take it down or leave it, just for keeps? Lol

Anyway. I wanted to talk about, women uploading selfies, particularly those with hijab.

Idk man. How you don't put yourself in other people's shoes, open yourself, be more empathic, understanding people.... just upsets me so much.

Seriously though, you can't blame men/public for using photos against you. Please... use logic haha geram je lah. It's 2020, yes. But Syaiton don't look at time. They are always there to lure people out of the right path. Please girls. Sigh.

Like, girl. I knew what Amad meant since I was young. Your pretty face, and only just your pretty face or even EYES (for niqabis) can help men to fantasies MORE than just that. They just need your face even though they have not seen your body.

Be aware of the consequences of your own actions. ALL the possibilities. Like girl, gambar awak ni kan, lawa tau. Bibir pun merah pink gebu. Like, really, your photo is for people to tenung and say, she's pretty. Kulit dalam gambar tu pun flawless je. Ok? Yes, your intention when you wanna upload your selfies must have been pure. But you REAAAALLY CANNOT blame men for using it against you. Again, be aware of the consequences of your own actions.

We cannot control what people think and do, okay? Just be careful and don't blame people. I'm not saying that it's okay for people to do that. But you need to step into reality that these things happen outside of our control. Sama je lah semua yang defend dia ni kat replies zzzz geram hahahah

I might also have my photos on tumblr that people use against me, even though bertutup litup, but I know the consequences, and I always pray that kita dijauhkan dari perkara tu.

We can educate people but it's up to them to lower their gaze or to control their thoughts or not.

There's this reply that says, this is real, not girls who want to blackmail you, this is cyberbullying. Well girl, nak cari satu satu yang buat benda ni? Sampai ke sudah tak dapat cari. In the end, police can just advise, bewaspadalah.