#19

You know what's sad? That when I just wanna talk, have a conversation about my well being, he doesn't wanna actually listen. Me before going back to work. The only time that I have to talk to him, he doesn't wanna engage in it. And then when I'm doing some work on the computer, he'll come to me saying he misses me. What about the times when I want to talk to you? The times when I went to office when I want to chat with you? You did not try to really engage in those.

Tak nak baca post awak, nak dengar awak cakap, luahka kat Ha.

That's what you said. But then I couldn't talk to you. I even told you the points to engage in the conversation that I want to have. I told you to ask me, how did I get my lips to be itchy again. But then you still did not engage. You still ask different things, terus shoot ke doctor. 

When I think about it again, it's like you're dismissing my health problems without wanting to listen to further explanation. And to think about it again, even doctors ask in details if possible, what are the causes, what's the story behind it.

And then when I give you the disappointed look after the things I try to engage, you gave me back the cold look. 

Karma. Kifarah. You get what you give. Maybe that's how I've been treating Ha for the past 5 years, hence that's how he's behaving now.

All I can do is move on with my life, daripada sakit lagi hati ni. Setiap hari sakit. Ada atau takde stream? Pun sakit jugak. 

True how only He can mend everything.

#18

Dude lemme tell you something... or many things.

I don't have plans for today. Saturday. Weekend. Except for waiting for my praying garments to arrive in the afternoon. 2 and 4 hours left.

Also, waiting for a sponsor to give details so that I can proceed to produce some videos for them. Ya Allah, please please please have them send to me today because I wanna have time to make them.

I'm not good at doing reviews, but I'll do my best. Not just because I want the money, but it's experience, and for myself. For my betterment, really. 

So since I don't have anything to do, I was planning to just sit down in front of the PC, and write something. NOT mindlessly scrolling on IG or FB to stumble upon anything so that I continue endless scrolling. No, please no.

So yeah, here I am.

I know I feel kinda empty not having to live stream. Like I don't have anything to do, ya'kno. That's what I wrote earlier. But then I know I don't wanna live stream, I know I'd dread to live stream. Because I don't have the obligation to do so. And live streaming is actually an after party. 

I kinda have some things happening since I started live stream only once a week. So an after party of live stream would be great. Just not a 'Hanging Out' live stream... not yet. 

I don't know if I'm still good at ML anyway.

What I do know is that I miss live streaming in the morning and reciting du'a for people. I don't know how that makes me feel good. Is making du'as like food to your soul? Subhanallah. 

Maybe because missing it, that I can wake up every morning for Subuh and not sleep afterwards. Because right now? I didn't get enough sleep. I just don't know what makes me want to stay awake. 

Is it to embrace the moment, cherish the time, spend it well? I don't know.

I don't like to see live streams of other streamers. Just like how I don't like to see updates of the people I follow on IG, especially those who are not related by blood. Because I think I'd start to compare. And I guess comparing means you're not being grateful. Whenever I decide to click on my friends' or other streamers' updates, I tell myself beforehand, to stay positive and pray for them, that it's their rezq. It's a constant battle to betterment myself. It's an exercise that I need to do. And that's okay.

So it's an exercise? Life is about process. I was thinking, while I clean the kitchen, that I wish everyone knows how to clean so that I do not have to clean it EVERYDAY. Like every time I see it so dirty, I feel SO angry and sigh heavily. 

But Allahu, that's the beauty of these people existing in your life. So you can go through this process every single day. Testing your patience, testing your sincerity, testing your perseverance, and many other things. So that when you face other music, you have it altogether, or maybe you don't, but it would feel similar, and it is engrained in you that you respond in a certain way, because you have been there even though in a different situation. 

What I'm saying here is that every time I have to clean the kitchen after someone make a mess, I do zikr. Or actually istighfar. I think I prefer istighfar over everything even selawat. Kinda bad but that's what I feel. Because I feel so angry like why do people don't know how to clean up?!?!?!?!??! asjdhfjaksldhfjkalsd and all the angry feels. So that's why I prefer istighfar. You know, I'd like to think, even if you don't actually selawat in your mind, but you do think about Rasulullah SAW and Allah SWT, that this also counts. Because as everytime I do istighfar, all the good things running through my mind. Subhanallah. 

And you know, Allah is the one who moves your heart, your mind to think and feel about things. Especially the good things. (I really don't know about negative things because isn't yang buruk itu datang dari diri sendiri, yang baik itu datang dari Allah? Wallahu'alam). 

What I'm saying here about this is that, there are so many things Allah have blessed me to do move my heart to do good. Also I was reading again AA Love Letters about this. And more so, that for example, you thought about reading the Quran, just thinking about it, but still feel lazy? You fight against that laziness, and go for it. And more good things will fall through, Allah will bring more goodness to it. Subhanallah. 

Sorry I got distracted. I was scrolling FB and a post caught my attention. It's something about children learn by modelling. True indeed. And that reminds me of another post on previous day I found it, that it says something like a wife follows what her husband does. Just like kids. It's true, so true. If you don't follow even the littlest things your husband does, then, subhanallah you're a strong woman. 

Because, dude, I... can't help but follow this bad trait, which is cussing. I guess. It doesn't feel good cussing. I mean, yes, it does. But tranquility beats it, yakno? Meaning here, it'd be better if I just istighfar instead of cuss. But maybe also, that this requires both parties to improve each other. It takes two to tango. 

I have so many things to say, huh? But it's all not one topic. All jumbled up. This is how my thought process during live stream if I wanna share things during the live in the morning. Can you tell what kind of person I am? xD

It's 10:57AM now. 

I realise that I was tired doing live especially because I talk too much. It drains me out. I don't know if it's the introvert thing, but really, it was just one day on Wednesday, and I'm done for the week. Alhamdulillah KOL don't have any more task xD I miss to do live, but still I'm glad I don't have to. Once a week is good. It's like episode or drama series. Once a week. Wow! That's a good idea. 

Because you know, after all this thought process writing, I don't feel tired. Yes I'm sleepy, but not tired. Because actually talking versus writing are so different.

I thought of just do a hanging out live stream with supporters but then it'd be just the same with talking. I'd still feel tired even though talking to only supporters. 

The dream of not having to play ML everyday for 120 hours finally came true. But what do I do now?  

I'm sorry I can't be good in ML anymore. I'm so dependent on Ha's gameplay now. Sigh. I'm sorry.

#17

I follow this FB page:

Introvert Problems

And well there are so many posts regarding pretending to be all bubbly and happy in front of people, and then the image afterwards.

Like, it's true. And I dreaded it when I was in University when I was in APAcS, a student body council, or something like that. I told Teha that. Like, you need to pretend but actually inside you just 'f- off people' or 'i hate everyone'. 

But then as I enter this industry, I realise, it's not about us, about yourself. It's about what you can serve the community. How your existence make an impact on others. And to know that Allah SWT rewards you for that. 

For being kind, for being sincere. 

It's like serotonin. If you make others happy, naturally, you will feel good. Because it's engrained in our system, in our being, our soul. 

Because we are made of Love, by our Rabb who is Ever-Loving, the source of Love.

One, you naturally feel good about it. Two, you know Allah rewards you for it.

Subhanallah. 

#15

Okay so malam nisfu sya'ban... encouraged to do zikr and istighfar and make lots and lots of du'as. 

I, did not know what to ask. So after reading AA's email, she talked about journaling her days, i.e. reflecting upon yourself. 

Yup I do journal here. But only sometimes. Not everyday. You know by the frequency of my posts here. 

So here I am, trying to journalise my days and thoughts for the past, idk how long. Like really really muhasabah diri. Because through this, I know what to ask from Him.

Of course He already know what we want even unconsciously. But the act of really asking from Him is vital. Word it out even in your head. 

I always pray that I have that deep love for my husband, for the sake of Allah. That's my everyday hope since ever. May it be instill in my heart for You. I know love is commitment, I read it from my supporter's post. But how far can I commit without the deep feeling?

Next, I guess I just want to be more patient. I can't change my significant other but to just let him grow in his own pace. It's true, how you want him to be better than you, teach you, and stuff. But he's just being him. You know he lacks that, so you improve yourself first. And the thing is, maybe he's better than you because sincerity and matter of hearts, only Allah knows. 

That leads to me being dreamy about the beauty of tahajjud. I always read about spouses performing tahajjud. Praying to Allah SWT to give guidance to the wife or the husband. Because He is the owner of hearts. Always, always turn to him. 

Semoga diberi hidup yg berkah, di jaga dari pandangan buruk orang lain dan segala fitnah.

#14

I realise, I always don't know how to praise someone with really bombastic words, because I think I don't want those praises on me as well.

For example I read a content on IG about beauty with brains, a phrase or quote that society has put and implant on us. 

Like... there shouldn't even be a stereotype anything including BEAUTY and BRAINS, even if it is a positive quote. Like, 'good vibes only'. Nah. 

People should let people be. Le sigh

#13

New post coz I wanna see the timestamp, how my feelings change so quickly.

Ha always say, it's okay, she has a different characteristic while you are a whole different person.

I never actually really put my effort into editing my VODs, because I might feel cringe on myself from the beginning, since before I feel like I have become hambar. 

Like before this, people commenting saya main santai, relax. Now I'm not. I'm so serious and focused. Because Ha taught me so.

I have stopped being an entertainer. Which actually along the way, Ha also taught me how to be an entertainer. But since idk when... he made me serious and focused :( 

He doesn't care anymore. 

Or maybe that's the real me. Passive, serious, focused, reserved. But at the same time I still feel bubbly when I stream, I still feel happy, but not while playing games because it's too serious. 

So yup. I've no talent in that sense. Even in life, I fail. 

What even people see me as idol? 

I owe people so much. I can't bear it. 

Is the burden of streaming really lifted? Even after I ended the contract?

Sigh

#12

 Again I let myself see things that can make me look down on myself... 

Looking at people's feed doesn't inspire me. I make comparisons and it's bad for my mental health. Yes it's good to pray for them. Turn your jealousy to du'as. But I just can't handle it right now.

After realising I was drowning in the thoughts of comparison, I brought my thoughts to, Erin, what that happened today that you can be happy about?

"My new clothes."

And I think again in a split second.

"In fact, not just material things in the world. But to be you and do you."

And so I feel thankful, closed the app and just reporting 'Not interested' to those kind of feed. 

I'm just an introvert who just shares whatever without giving tips and selling stuff I guess.

And still my supporters, my subscribers who subscribe each month are one of the pillars of my strength. So I need to stop thinking bad about myself because they don't. It really seems like they don't.

Why do I tell myself I need to stop? Because even your loved ones can be annoyed and f-ed up when you always downgrade yourself. 

Welp.