#50

The pathetic thing is, I'm all evil inside, the worst you see in a spouse, that's what I feel, but I don't show it, because Allahu, Allah hates that. All I can do is just istighfar, cry, and tell Him. Coz no one would understand. 

#49

Everybody wants something from someone, from what they invest in. I guess?

I just don't know how to be fair to my supporters while I'm struggling with myself.

Everything looks fine on the surface. I could NOT, ever, show that I'm struggling, or something is just not right with me.

But I know, alhamdulillah for everything that I have, everyone that is still with me, especially my husband. And mom who always think of me, I'm sure of that. I just don't know how to physically give back to them except making du'as for them. 

I guess I'm just exhausted thinking about achieving this KPIs, and at the same time doing it with sincerity. It's definitely a struggle. The most that I'm struggling with is my appetite. I want to be healthy to do better. It's so easy for me to plan out things, to say to myself that I should this and that, but it's a struggle. 

It's almost 7 months coming, and I haven't given back anything to my supporters...

I can't do the things people expect me to do. I'm not being berlagak, it's just not achievable. Are there pro players actually playing with supporters? No. Am I a pro player? No I'm not, I know that. Are there pro player who wants to play with me during stream? No. And I know you know why.

You can't please everyone. 

Bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days xD really. 

It's useless to cry in front of my husband. He knows my struggle, but it would be the same thing. Coz every change starts with me. Only I can help myself.

I'll take a good example, Ginn. He really produces videos that are beneficial to his viewers. That's why people support him, and stay with him.

While I do nothing. I know we've actually done many things, but in the eyes of people, we haven't done a thing, really.

People are gonna find my faults and flaws and leave me. I don't and could never show I'm sad or say things that erupt negative vibes like I'm not too good or whatever. 

What they will see are excuses. They would think I'm making a big deal out of it that those are just small matters. Also I don't want to take people for granted.

Aku tak mengharapkan duit stars, atau supporters, atau lain-lain. Aku tak boleh cakap camni kat orang. Tapi memang, kalau ada tu, alhamdulillah. Semuanya datang dari Allah. Sesetengah orang je faham. Jadi benda camni, tak dapat nak bagitahu. Lagi-lagi pasal 'supporters', memang rasanya ada orang akan terasa, macam dia tu tak penting. Allahu, pentingnya dia, dah buat saya gembira, buat seorang insan yang lain gembira. Itu juga apa yang Allah suka.

Just like I said above, bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days. Me and husband always joke about how if we wanna go to the pharmacy, we would definitely just look for this Abang Bob, because he gives out such positive vibes. And today, it was an Akak. A new staff I guess, but more senior than him in terms of pangkat or knowledge as I see it. 

So... conclusion of this, I don't know. Haha. I hope you have a good day, my dear.

#48

Writing less here doesn't mean I reflect less. It's just that I have other places that I meditate. On Telegram, whatsapp, to my husband actually. Haha so yea. 

 

Anyway this post is about... seeing friends needing, yearning for a significant other. 

 

At first, seeing D having those feelings, so apparently showing it on his social media, seems so cringy. Because like, they would always, always look up to quotes like kalau jodoh tak ke mana, quotes about jodoh basically. But then they still voice out the yearning to have that significant other. 

 

But then when I saw my girlfriend saying it, it's really a serious feeling, despite you trying to be closer to Allah. It's human nature. And maybe I feel cringe because I have forgotten how it's like to yearn to get married to my husband. Because now, I feel like, yea, alhamdulillah we're married. I might have forgotten what it felt like to wait for him, that's why I feel cringe.

 

Hence here, I pray that Allah grant them soleh/solehah spouses at the perfect time that He has planned. 

 

In the meantime, through hardship or happiness or struggle, even a long or short period of time, let us embrace the moment and learn from it. 

#47

Iman and Aida talk about first loves, so I wanna share mine.

So here my relationship of me and Ha have so many things in common, with Aida and Kareem.

Thinking back, when I was in MRSM, I was my best. I felt good. I was in sports, I was the best student, etc etc.

Then I changed, I went introvert but at the the same time, I KNEW, I just ~KNEW I could do so much more to help other people. But I didn't.

And even answering to Ha's question, what do you want when we got married? My answer was just to marry, have kids, that's all.

There was no vision in that. When actually I could do more.

So, coming to this sharing by Iman and Aida, masyaaAllah. They talk about how a future husband should be able to allow you to grow, not just being in our bubble and comfort zone.

So marrying Ha, has allowed me to grow. Allah has allowed me to marry Ha, He pinjamkan Ha to me, for me to GROW. For me to do better things in this life that which I actually have wished for, for the longest time.

Even though it's nothing much, or maybe I couldn't see what impact I have made on people, I have actually did something, because of Allah. Allah, has allowed these things to happen.

Also, how I married my husband, the story before getting married, is so similar.
Aida's version was this:

Min 27:00
A: There was a sharing from a friend,
Love appears in 90 places in Quran
But does not define what love means
But speaks about the consequences of Love
Is COMMITTING.

If you truly love, then commit. If you don't commit, then your claim of love is not real.

A: it's either you marry me, or we're not talking.

So Aida posted this on Kareem's FB wall.
Aida was serious, like if you won't commit, we are not together.

So back then in Nov 2012, I PM-ed Ha in Facebook, that, 'kalau takde niat nak kahwin, jangan teruskan hubungan ni.' Or something like that.

We went on with the relationship anyway. And like A and K's before marriage relationship, my relationship with Ha was a disaster before marriage. Almost 5 years of 'dating', we got to know each other, but so many heartbreaks and sins.

Like Aida mentioned, A and K tried long distance relationship and it was bad.

But alhamdulillah we are united.

Like they said, they are always days when I feel like I HATE Ha but masyaaAllah, when you calm down yourself and think of Allah, everything dawns on you that this is the best for me, insyaaAllah.

Moreoever, they talk about how husband and wife encourage each other to grow, remind each other etc.

Continuing Min 27:00

A: Both A and K do not have things in common, but Kareem is like Khadijah to A.
K is so supportive for A's growth masyaaAllah.

That's how me and Ha are. Subhanallah :') It's more of Ha actually HAHAH.

And remember that my vision of marriage was like close to none? Ha believed in me, that I can do great things.

Excerp of text:

Min 18:50

A replied to K, "That was weird for me to hear coz for the longest time I was told that I'm just ordinary girl who's gonna do ordinary things."

I have always thought, I don't wanna be out there, so I'm just gonna be that accountant and that's it, although like I said, deep down in my core I knew I could do more. But HA, he sees that I can be more, and do more, do great things. Inspire people. Not just being that ordinary Malaysian girl, yakno?

K said to A, "You are a special person with a special voice, and you're gonna do great things in this world."

I don't know if K meant literally about the voice, but really, this applies to me. Ha didn't say the same thing, but he implies as it. Alhamdulillah I do have that special voice, and Ha believes that I'm special. I mean, honestly, every person is special in their own way. And with this, Ha believes that I can do great things in this world, even if it's not how AA does it. Every person is special in their own way, remember?

Then I told A:

I: The fact that you have somebody with you, day in and day out, just feeding you all this positive energy, like HE is doing service to the world just by encouraging you.

A: For every girl I help, it's all because of you.

Like masyaaAllah. Yes, Ha is ALWAYS giving me positive energy, to be positive, encouraging me everyday. And to be honest, all this happens because of Ha. Like fer reals. Allah has planned it out so well.

We do have things in common, but we also have so many things not in common. So yeah, alhamdulillah.

#46

Being good and pretty and kind ain’t suffice. You needa be charismatic. Dayyum. Where can I get that