Nov 26, 2012

Push you away

What am I I pushing you away? If I ever seem to push you away... maybe, I'm just afraid of losing. I don't want to lose anyone again. Especially you. It hurts.


I still remember... how I snapped at her. In Tokyo. Like literally snapped, blew over the top. Just because she  didn't get the picture right. I sensed her anger. I felt guilty. I apologized straight away. I mean, who else in the world did I have back then? Especially in Tokyo? It was only her. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't stand the coldness even for 5 minutes.

And the best feeling is she forgave me. And we were back as usual, telling me not to do it again. I promise I wouldn't snap at her out of the blue. InsyaaAllah, I still won't.

I should have done the same with you. I knew that I snapped. I could feel it. I should have just said sorry straight away. Why didn't I see it? Oh dear... you never know how sorry I am, hurting you.


Life before the likes of you having Twitter was so much more interesting. Yes I dislike seeing your fondness. Because I couldn't be a part of it. I never was. I never did. Reading the tweets even in this virtual world, it hurts. But I've always been amazed and happy for you of how happy all of you can be. I understand the happiness, because I couldn't help but smile, when seeing your happiness.

Nov 25, 2012

Side of your face

You know the pictures of handsome celebrities? Which in particular CLOSE UP pictures of the side of their face? That they still look so beautiful even when you see the side of their face?

Amazingly, that’s how I could see it on you. You are just so beautiful. I think I'm blinded by your beauty.


Knowing you're going to read this and rape the refresh button... I can't help but being stuck with what I have to write. But still, I've nothing to write so far.

Stay tuned.

Love, really?

Even the exchange of saying 'I love you' between girlfriends is not always real.

Nov 24, 2012

No do overs

Perhaps this is the end of every close friendship I made after MRSM. I realize I don't deserve to be close to anyone, when I'll only hurt people. I was always the cause of the ending of my friendship with others.

It's better if I just stay away from being too close to someone. I don't deserve close friends. They're better off with someone else, whom are more true than me.

I guess, relating to my previous posts, starting over is never an option with them. I should stay away.

And another post, walls up.
That I should not be close to anybody here,
and that I should not let people in.
I should be careful to whom I share with.
I should be careful to whom I open my heart to.
You just can't afford to hurt someone or get hurt again.
You just can't.

Run away

I couldn't stand it. I hated seeing you and your happiness. I used to laugh with you, not see you laughing with others. You're just so happy, you couldn't see the pain behind this smile. I'm still hurt. Just seeing you could destroy me. How painful it is that you just left it unsaid and pretend like nothing happened.

It's better if I just get away until the exam comes..


I realize, I'm becoming more dependent on him. Depend on him to understand me how I wish he'd do. I shouldn't be this way. I'm still so young I need to learn how to be independent.

Don't let people have the easy way on you, especially him. Sometimes he needs to figure things out himself.

Nov 22, 2012

Not again

What happened between me and her, I don't want it to be happening between us, you and me. Please.


Some relationships really need a push, huh?


I know it'll take longer than how I think it would. Longer time for us to be like old times. But seeing you changed for the better, I don't know already how you see your life back then when it was with me and the boys.

If your perspective on that life has changed, then I think it's impossible to get back to how we were. Ah yes, nothing's impossible. But that's how I just see it.

Just know, dear, that I'm glad everything beautiful and sorrow that happened, it was with you :)

Nov 17, 2012

No one

Tak perlu kot jaga hati aku. Aku bukannya sesiapa pun kan.

Nov 16, 2012

Platonic love

Definitely platonic. Things you'd do for the most beloved person. Yup.


Cos people love to see me smile.
Especially you (:

Nov 15, 2012

In the meantime..

While we were getting distant from each other, I had my boys. Or our boys. Because of them, I felt like I had no problems in the world. Yes, guys are like that. They don't see problems as a big deal.

I became close to the person I thought I'd never be. I wanted to tell you, but at the time, it was cold between us. I only had him, and the boys.

The fact that I always hang out with them, I lived the way they do; I forgot my sorrows. I forgot the people who are more important to me (not the boys' fault). Which is you, and my girls.

Nevertheless, with that being said, maybe our being-distant has a reason behind it. There's hikmah in everything that happened. For what I see, for myself, it's the chance to see if he really cares.

Whatever it is, always see things in a positive way.


Try feeling how it is when people refuse your offer.
Try feeling how it is when you got ditched.
Try feeling how it is when you're being ignored.


Alhamdulillah. All I had to do is apologize and tell how sorry I am. I don't expect that it'll go straight away back to the climax of how our friendship was back then. I know this kind of thing have this healing process.

It'd be like how we used to be when we first tried to get to know each other better. Start fresh? I don't mind.  As long as this friendship still goes on. And perhaps better than what it is before.

Nov 14, 2012


When we're far apart. It's hard to meet. But good gracious, it's a modern world now. We have various social networks to contact each other. It's hard to explain things. But still, at least I could relief some agony just by telling and you listening/reading.

Yes, you should tell Allah. He's the first person you should go to. But human nature, we need comforts from other people. It's human nature.

In fact, those who listen, may be the persons who He sends to you, to help you.

I'm so glad to have you always be there, be it online or offline, to listen to my problems. Thanks dear friends.

Two months

Two months since the fight. And you still hate me. I did say I'm sorry. Why don't you see through every sincerity of friendship I'm offering to you?

Nov 13, 2012


Sometimes I wonder how the heck I'm close with the people I am with now? It has always been me, when we have a conversation. I hardly pay attention to what people say. How could people love me? When I'm just too selfish?


In the end.. they are the ones who stayed. And I'm the fake friend who doesn't.

When I asked you, "When a friend suddenly keeps quiet, would you go and ask her directly? Like, what happened to her? Did I do something wrong? Would you ask that way?"

That, was actually for some other friend. That feeling to you wasn't that strong. But now, it has gone worst. I hate this.

So you answered, "Well it depends. Maybe she has changed? That she is not how she used to be with you before?"

How deep is that? Indirectly, I think you were referring to me too. And I think you felt as if what I asked you, was for you. I didn't realize I was doing that, till now.

I couldn't ask a thing about this. I couldn't live by my principle: "When something felt wrong, just ask straight away." I couldn't. Because I'm afraid, I'm a coward. Just like how I used to be back then with my previous room-mates. Why am I this way?

I miss you :(


So many things to say. But I'll just keep it.
For now, have a great birthday c:

Never a cheesy pick up line

I don't let him make a pick up line on me. And I never want to try to do it to him. Because in the end, I'll feel so disgusted with this mushymushy stuff that it became too much.

I'm afraid that in the end, I'll tell him off, like how I used to previously. Then I'll regret. I don't want to lose anyone. Not again. Once is enough. I hope this would turn to something better.

But time and again, if he really means it, I might take it positively. Lol.

Nov 12, 2012

Don't do what you don't want people do to you

Ditched. I pity my friend because if I've left, it'd be like I ditch her. Instead, I stayed.
But in the end, I'm left alone. Sad. Yes, I am.
But to think back, I can bear with going alone. It's not like I never went home alone. Going to this certain class uses the same route anyway. So why not.

Just be strong. It's okay, dear. It's okay.

Nov 11, 2012

Put aside the hatred

Dear, when you feel like you hate someone of your own religion, remember, that she is your saudara se-Islam. Forgive her/him for what they do. Look at them with the perspective of love.

Yes there are people who are of annoyance, but when you think back, what have they done to you? What wrong did they do? Mostly nothing. It’s just one of the littlest things that annoy you. It doesn't top off your friendship with them.

Dear dear, value your friendship. Put aside this hatred, this loathe. Please don’t let it get to you.

Nov 9, 2012

Walls up

I've decided. I don't want to be close to anybody here. I don't want to let people in. Nobody. It would just hurt too much.

All the world hating you

I know they're mad. I know they're angry. I know, that they are holding it in, sabar dengan kerenah ni. Tapi sebenarnya api kemarahan sangat membuak-buak.

But. I've devoted to myself that I don't want to go outstations. And you know that. You know.

Two person

I've let down two person. Two of my close friends. And it's a big disappointment. Starting from now, I know that we will never be cool to each other again. I'm sorry for being selfish... why am I this way?!?!?!