#63

10:16pm

Should I try to write something or play games eh... haha

1st January 2021, 3:06pm

I played WR until 2AM last night. With only one victory like what the heck. I feel so down man. Like, what good do I do in this life???????????????????????

Maybe I should have focused on thinking what to write for my first post on IG.

Writing captions is so hard. So I'm gonna start with pouring my heart out here.

And... funny thing is, I don't even know what to write as reflection here. Lately I don't have reflections. All I know is how bad I am in everything. 

As I see my group is so active with supporters chatting with each other, I'm happy for them that they found each other. Coz I can't do much. I can't say much. I'm not an inspiration, I don't help them, I don't give them advices, I don't teach them anything. I just exist. I'm the cold person whom when I enter the room, everything feels gloomy, the vibe is so dull and no one knows what to say. Yes, you are who you think you are. All these negative thoughts instilled in my mind maybe have made me who I am. Who I feel I am.

And tbh, the above paragraph is not something that people want to read. 

I read a journey post from Fr*zo. He mentioned me, but at the end the post, I was not a big impact to his life. I'm a nobody. I only gave two sentences to make him feel appreciated and that was it. See, I don't affect people.

But Allahu, I should be thankful. I should see that, even that tiny effort, simple words of motivation, could make him feel even the slightest appreciated, is already a blessing. You should know that Allah sees, Allah knows. Even one person who is affected positively from you, even though the slightest, is a blessing, Erin.

I'm still struggling in talking and being witty on and off the screen because I'm just really bad at processing words. I don't know if I'll ever get there. But I'll try. 

I'm so ashamed when I read AA's love letter to her email Supporters whom she calls as 'Guardians'. She's so positive with the people that supported her. While I, question people why do people want to support me, my cause? What do they want more from me? I don't deserve them?

But AA, she is so positive, so thankful. Husband always tell me the same thing, I always tell myself the same thing, but the weak in me always tell negative things. Fighting your own demons is so mentally exhausting. That's why the happiness I see in the group keeps me going. Because it balance out my exhaustion with positive things and energy from them.

Which make me so guilty to them, because what could I offer? I do not engage much with them, but I'm happy that they interact with each other, alhamdulillah.

So I just don't know where this is going. All I wanted is a caption for my post *sobs*

Let's start with what I want to achieve.

- gain weight and maintain. Why? To have a healthy lifestyle, not feeling lethargic, to be able to serve more to the community, especially in this streaming industry.

- wake up in time for fajr!

- stream daily at 6:30AM

Other goals are actually pretty hard, like:

- to be able to speak fluently on and off screen, in English and Malay

- To visit family more

It's 5:47PM and I still can't get any caption in mind ARGH

6:41PM HAHAHAHHAHA ALMOST GIVING UP

#62

Even your partner gets tired of you 😂 

of your everyday 

“unnecessary sadness” 

“unnecessary sulking” 

“unnecessary feel of unworthiness”.

He’ll say don’t be like this

You need to be strong

I believe in you

I’m tired of pujuk-ing you

I’m out of motivation words already 

Kenapa macam ni

Tak suka la

You need to be the leader

You need to be the best out there

As a wife, I fail in many ways even when I want to do things to obtain His blessings. 

#61

I have my own opinions. But people don’t know. I’m still a human. I’d like some people that I like, to know. But then I’m taught to keep it to myself. So I’m silent. Through and through. 

#60

I’ve lost that tranquility on my daily life. Something is just not right. It’s so torturous to live this way :( 

#59

I want to mengadu to my fam but I feel like they’ll see me as budak suka complain like kid, stop whining or something like that

I just don’t know what to do anymore :(

#58

When you’re too used to isolate yourself from the world, that you don’t talk to people, no casual conversation, even with your closed ones, it affects how you try to deliver your work 

You just don’t know what to say lol le sighhh

#57

 Shout out to everyone out there who is struggling, who feels like nothing you do makes a difference to yourself or the people around you.

Coz I'm here, I feel you.

I know behind each and everyone of your smiles, there lies behind something that bothers you, you just had to push it off in order to face the world, to kinda move on.

And spiritually speaking, Allah knows. Allah has put you in this situation so you can go through it, so you can grow out of it. InsyaaAllah.

Let's do our best to obtain His blessings.

#56

Outtakes from AA Podcast

 

I was wasting my frustration about, does this have a point, of what we do?
Shouldn't we do more like humanitarian work or the human rights issues like joining a charity ngo stuff?

aren't we really too like spoiled to be focusing on art and literature and articles and those kind of things?

she (my friend) said you know you can't always be putting out fires because there are always new fires will be starting somewhere else. you have to work on something more lasting, work on something that help you as well, and that would be another kind of help to others. and that just helped me immensely because she was right.

There are more and more things happening every single day but we just need to focus on the things that WE can do best, and how we can contribute to this history that is happening right now and how we can help those who are somehow coming to our work or somehow going to benefit from our work.

#55

 Oh lord I feel so..... untalented and outdated. Yes, people are more to talking now rather than playing games. And I'm just feeling so bad mood right now lagi lagi bila air takde kat sini >:( jaklfdalksd;jflkasjdfk;

#54

 We were talking about moods and kempunan and yearnings. One time I had mood for this botol kaca soybean Vsoy and Ha bought a whole carton of it because before that, almost everyday that I ask to buy that drink HAHA

Another time I was in mood of a whole pack of Super Ring! I think there were around 30 packs?

Then another time I wanted 'Love Letters' biscuit that we bought 4kg tin of it at NSK HAHAH

My addiction to Nescafe has always been there so we actually received like 8 cartons of Nescafe tins sponsored via FB like... Oh My Lord xD memang takkan habis....

Yesterday I was thinking about the work 'drinking', like why do you associate such a beautiful word to being drunk, or drinking alcohol. Like, "Don't drink and drive" or "Are you drinking?". It became a negative word I'm so upset. "Drunk" is okay. But the base word drink? Hm

We got in the car together for after a loooong time and I just got my caffeine with me (Nescafe). So I danced to 24k Carats and Ice Ice Baby all the hiphop songs hahah been a long time since I got to dance in the car.

Alhamdulillah for today <3

#53

Tbh I always feel down on a daily basis. But when I wake up, I read texts from the group, from KARRA fam, they always lift each other up, while acknowledging each other's struggle. 

I thought I'm the one who's trying hard to make people happy and be positive, but it's actually them who help me get through the day <3 Alhamdulillah thank you Allah for sending me these people