#623

My close guy friend (not so close) had a baby! I just noticed. It's silly that I make it feel so weird to ask him about it. But I understand why. Haha. And I think it will never fade, but it's okay. I know my boundaries. The past is the past. I hope my dear husband understands. In the end, it always has been my husband.

#622

I sent an email to AA Plus lol Coz I feel so blessed

Salam

I just wanna share my experience in local place, Malaysia. My experience whenever people look at me strange (or maybe I'm just perasan that they look at me strange). So I would always think positive and just smile and them, be kind to them if I had to ask for something. It feels good alhamdulillah.

About being role model, masyaaAllah. I have recently shown myself to the world (I do mobile phone game live streaming). With the niat that you stated above, "Not for our ego, or for fame or for pride, but for Allah." and "Because when we are busy striving to be the best version of ourselves, the people around us, will, In Sha Allah, start to catch on to this positive energy and aura."

I was so down for almost a week, about putting myself out there, and masyaaAllah your love letter came in the right time. To be honest, I've kinda skipped so many of your AA Plus letters and TLL. Today Allah gerakkan hati to read this love letter, and the fact that I was attracted to the title of the letter.

Also, if you remember, I just wanted to befriend good people, improve myself, to be better etc. I didn't feel it right away during the class. But masyaaAllah, I think something fruitful happened.

I think, I felt love, unconditionally for someone I have never met before. With this particular girl I met during an event for the mobile game. MasyaaAllah I don't know why I feel that way. If this is how it feels to love someone you never met before, how huge and grand is the unconditional that you could feel for The Prophet S.A.W? x3
Anyway I still don't go back to the classes I have attended here, but still good things happened indirectly because of them ^^

Much love,
Erin

Oh wait. Ha asked my how those lines affected me... I forgot to write that in the letter. So

Why I feel so moved by these two lines, I was in dilemma. That if I show myself to public, men especially would take advantage of me (what more that the community consists of more men than women). Also the fact that people always give me praises, that I was afraid I would lose myself into the fame or pride and also ego. But inside I know, I always istighfar, and remind myself that everything is for Allah. My husband always remind me that too, because honestly, we as human, naturally need the reminder spoken out loud to us, from a human being ^^"

So with this niat and awareness, I kept and keep on going with what I have, try to be better, with the hopes that people would catch the positive energy and aura, just like the second line. And the fact that I just want to spread the beauty of Islam. That even though we play games or streaming, we can still be true to ourselves and our deen especially.

Now I'm gonna send another chain letter haha

#621

Mom would never have expected that her oldest and youngest child are problematic even when they get older.

#620

I pray you are safe wherever you are, my dear husband. May Allah protect you. I love you. 

#619

Yeah maybe I could jump off the parking lot now
Or maybe the nearest is the knife in the kitchen
Maybe just stand on the rail track
Or just run into a speeding car
Or drown myself

Nah. Maybe that knife is the best

Or some poison and pills

Yea maybe

#618

Have you ever felt love, unconditionally for someone you never met before?

I feel like I have. With this girl. MasyaaAllah I don't know why I feel that way.

If this is how it feels to love someone you never met before, how huge and grand is the unconditional that you could feel for The Prophet S.A.W? x3

#617

My post numbering has gone too high. Frikin 600s hahaha maybe I’ll start back at #1 for new year.

Anyway I wanted to share this on IG or FB story. But then. I thought. No one else care hahah.

I just wanna say I’m kinda still adapting to this relationship and still pray that it’s till jannah. I appreciate the randomness even though I know I’m not always there for them. Maybe that’s the kind of relationship when you’re with me? Lol idk

Suddenly I miss Atul haha

Xoxo

#616

I realise I cannot please EVERYone. So I only need to focus on beloved and important people.

Other than my beloved ones, I SOOOOO dislike people who sulks. Like, I don't have time for you bruh xD

Hm anyway. Got a text from them. Turns out they're okay with me. So I was just being feeling too guilty for no reason lol adfhaksldjf

#615

Refrain yourself. Be the bigger person.

#614

I wanna continue something we talked about the other day. This is related to entry #613.

One of the reason Ha wanted me to start live streaming is to find back myself. I was lost. I shut down. I caved in. I pushed out people. Even my family. And Ha might be also affected by this. But he was still there with me :')

What kind of Erin that I have lost? Happy-go-lucky, crazy, spontaneous, s'porting, joyful. And all the positive vibes. I did not realise that I was actually liked by my friends, not just guys. Because I have that vibe, my own positive vibe. Alhamdulillah. But I didn't realise that.

That's what Atul was talking about. "We want back the old Erin! In fact, a better Erin!" I miss her too. I know that "people are who they are because of what happened in the past". Sometimes you change over time, that you couldn't be the old you. But the thing is, that vibe is my core. And anything positive is always good, no?

*to be continued* nak g makan

1:46pm
Alhamdulillah done lunch kat kedai makan baru kat bawah ni. Dayang Sarawak apa tah hahaha

 ***

Anyway.  Yes, I lost myself. But alhamdulillah I'm so much more happier now. I feel alive again. I am very sorry to my husband that I was not this alive when I was with him along the years. HE'S DEFINITELY A KEEPER. He stayed throughout my downfall :'(

I make new friends now. Even if it's online friends, that we never met in real life, I still feel that they're important. Like they're good people. I like my husband's circle of online friends too. The MRG squad. But because we started off with me being so silent, so I am a bit awkward with them even when I have improved a bit now. But I still like to hang out with them virtually haha.

Idk man. But everything happens for a reason. Allah has planned things so beautifully. People have crossed with your path for a reason. People come and go for a reason. To teach us something, good or bad, even though it is virtually.

Every person has their own personality, even online, even if it's a masked character. Every person teach me something different.

It feels more like home when I started knowing Chu. And other girls. Maybe I have been yearning, like I always have, for love from girlfriends. Yakno? That ukhuwah.

So Ha told me, that I have the vibe, that people like me, that people are attracted to. Even Chu said that it's hard to find someone like me. Like sekepala dengan dia, gila gila, humble, fun, etc. I almost cried when she told me that, in front of me and Ha x3 Because, alhamdulillah, I found her. I found myself.

Now we just need to maneuver back our life in the right path :)

#613

For today, I've set some goals. One of it is to think about my life, career, along with my husband.

I'm working here, getting underpaid. Wait, no. I'm not underpaid. The position and the pay they give is suits one another. But it doesn't suit my qualification. Which I can actually do more than just this.

Yesterday husband and I had a conversation on this. I told him I felt guilty because I don't do anything in office, that they are paying me for me doing nothing. Like it's an added cost to them.

But then that's not true. They don't care much because they're just paying me to do complete set of accounts, which only takes me one (1) day per week to complete it. And the other two days, I'm being idle. So they're just paying me for the time I have spent in office. Which actually my time costs so much more! Time is valuable and that's not the price I could accept for myself. They're not to be blamed. It's that, I have the opportunity to do something else with that time, which is more valuable, even if it's not in terms of money, but plainly just something valuable and brings meaning to my daily life as a whole.

Aboh has so many times told me about 6 months being in this company, then go to another company, or just do freelance accounting. But I didn't. Just like how Ha did not realise about life decisions when Aboh advised him.

So now we are thinking of pursuing again our ACCA membership. But I don't want to leave my new circle of friends :( What happens if I quit the game and streaming?

Worst come to worst, I quit the squad. But still stream at night/subuh. And the streaming is unpaid, but just a hobby, although in hopes to be paid... I would break Chu's heart :( So bad... hm. 

Then we're just working out ass off as Auditor/Accountant. I would also quit from being Accountant for this current company. Or maybe just help them, with very minimal that I don't mind. If they wanna ask me things, I don't mind. InsyaaAllah. I'm so attached to this company, I think. That I would want to help them :/

Nevertheless, I still want to play with this squad. And Ha gives me one year. To achieve something. Goals. Goals are what I lack of. I don't set goals. And now having the realisation, I need to.

What do I want to achieve from this squad? Getting paid for streaming. Not much for being a professional gamer. But what if along the way, I become good. Somehow we got some money for being gamers. High pay for being a streamer. What if? Do I still continue pursuing account based career? Coz honestly, that's the career that I'm best at. Just that I don't have the soft skills. 

So, I quit this company, go to Audit company. I still go along with the squad, for one year. I still stream at night.

See how it goes after one year. If both the latter are not fruitful, I might need to quit it. And continue to pursue accounting career :/

And I want to have kids ^^" Something I don't know how I was able to even type that and think that. Haha

Oh Allah

#612

A friend (Sun) posted about bermanja dengan kawan. I thought, if you have a spouse, why would you need to bermanja ngan kawan?  On a second thought, it might actually be something needed, like how you would bermanja with your own mom. And all the teasing make you miss your friend. So maybe it's that. 

#611 facebook

First of all. Sigh.

Haha.

It has been years, since I started work in 2015 that I didn't want to invest so much on Facebook, that I even deactivated my account! I can still reactivate but refuse to.

So then since I started playing games that needed FB accounts to bind, I had to create some. I have multiple accounts. But this one main account now, is used as my main page-related account. 

And gosh since then I've been so invested in Facebook :') I feel like I have talked about this... it's like dejavu.

Ok. I just checked. I did kinda talk about this in my previous post.

Anyhow, I still need to snooze some.

#610 Love Reaction

Giving 'love' reaction seems like a big thing in Facebook that I just seem to comprehend. Still it's funny because on Instagram, the 'like' is symbolised as a love icon, you see?

So it's funny to see how people react differently when I give love reactions. I react 'love' on almost ALL posts or comments okay. I mean, seriously I don't see the seriousness in the reactions between a thumbs up and love.

As I said in my previous post, I have so much love to give. And the way I see it, spread love. (Y)

I still don't like to be caught up with Facebook posts and dramas lol I need to snooze most people on my friend list, like how I did on my personal and business IG.