#49

Everybody wants something from someone, from what they invest in. I guess?

I just don't know how to be fair to my supporters while I'm struggling with myself.

Everything looks fine on the surface. I could NOT, ever, show that I'm struggling, or something is just not right with me.

But I know, alhamdulillah for everything that I have, everyone that is still with me, especially my husband. And mom who always think of me, I'm sure of that. I just don't know how to physically give back to them except making du'as for them. 

I guess I'm just exhausted thinking about achieving this KPIs, and at the same time doing it with sincerity. It's definitely a struggle. The most that I'm struggling with is my appetite. I want to be healthy to do better. It's so easy for me to plan out things, to say to myself that I should this and that, but it's a struggle. 

It's almost 7 months coming, and I haven't given back anything to my supporters...

I can't do the things people expect me to do. I'm not being berlagak, it's just not achievable. Are there pro players actually playing with supporters? No. Am I a pro player? No I'm not, I know that. Are there pro player who wants to play with me during stream? No. And I know you know why.

You can't please everyone. 

Bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days xD really. 

It's useless to cry in front of my husband. He knows my struggle, but it would be the same thing. Coz every change starts with me. Only I can help myself.

I'll take a good example, Ginn. He really produces videos that are beneficial to his viewers. That's why people support him, and stay with him.

While I do nothing. I know we've actually done many things, but in the eyes of people, we haven't done a thing, really.

People are gonna find my faults and flaws and leave me. I don't and could never show I'm sad or say things that erupt negative vibes like I'm not too good or whatever. 

What they will see are excuses. They would think I'm making a big deal out of it that those are just small matters. Also I don't want to take people for granted.

Aku tak mengharapkan duit stars, atau supporters, atau lain-lain. Aku tak boleh cakap camni kat orang. Tapi memang, kalau ada tu, alhamdulillah. Semuanya datang dari Allah. Sesetengah orang je faham. Jadi benda camni, tak dapat nak bagitahu. Lagi-lagi pasal 'supporters', memang rasanya ada orang akan terasa, macam dia tu tak penting. Allahu, pentingnya dia, dah buat saya gembira, buat seorang insan yang lain gembira. Itu juga apa yang Allah suka.

Just like I said above, bless those people in the pharmacy for making people feel good on rainy days. Me and husband always joke about how if we wanna go to the pharmacy, we would definitely just look for this Abang Bob, because he gives out such positive vibes. And today, it was an Akak. A new staff I guess, but more senior than him in terms of pangkat or knowledge as I see it. 

So... conclusion of this, I don't know. Haha. I hope you have a good day, my dear.