#371

I always wonder why I'm not fond with showing who my special one is. Sebab aku malu kalau tak jadi?

Now I know why. Because at the very first days of getting to know each other, he already told me to stop hoping. Posting means giving hope. 

When I tried forgetting my feelings for Ja'i, I told myself, you will stop hoping for Ja'i when you found other guy. You did found another guy to give your love. But it took a few years. And tbh it is still there. The feeling. And it hurts. The pain, the suffering of forgetting.

So now, you're asking yourself to do that to Ha? Are you kidding me? Ha is the perfect guy for you (when you minus his family and where he lives). You've known each other too well... too long...

You always wonder how it would be to be with someone else... to be with someone who looks better. But they never fit into your personality. No one can replace Ha. Ha is very special. All the daydreaming with other guys, you only give them Ha's personality.

And you can't even stand imagining Ha with someone else. You can't even imagine yourself with someone else while being the real you.

So what is going to happen now? Should you go and impress your future in laws? Or should Ha make more effort? Who's to blame here? Is it that we do have jodoh but the timing is not now?

Tbh deep down I'm okay if we don't get married yet. 25 is the limit. But also deep down I want to be free while I wait. I don't want to be tied to him. I always make myself available. Opening my heart to just anyone whom I find attractive, inside or out.

I don't know how to say no to other people who ask me about him. See, it's complicated but not. I want to marry him but I'm tired of waiting so I prefer not to be be his girlfriend or labelled as one.

I'm just not going to let the world know.