#1

Bismillah. I came here, to write. I’ve been writing on my telegram diary. But I guess when I’ve come to my senses, this blog came to mind.

I literally forgot I’ve talked about Al here in 2024, and in DECEMBER. Update? It’s not going so well. 

But that’s not what I want to tell you… it’s about my life and my parents.

17th July 2025, 5:58am, it happened.

Honestly, for now, for me to earn more money as in side hustle, it’s from live streaming. But then as per usual, when I lost someone or something, I just don’t have the heart to live every day or as often… sejak ayah sakit memang dah jarang live. Just like I told mom, “Hati rasa tak senang”.

FYP aku lalu tentang ibu atau bapa sakit tapi anak kerja apa?

Tentang ibu atau bapa sakit cancer dan telah pergi…

Adakah aku malas? 

I refuse to believe so. Because I am working for WUSVUS and constantly updating my ML. Like maybe 24/7 work on ML. I know I’m getting older, like what about my gaming skills, yakno? That’s why I need to stay relevant to the game, so that I can constantly have new people to join me and support me, and I can get help from them, and I don’t mind.

If that’s how it is, then be it. I am content of my life here in kampung. It is my dream since I was in school to live in kampung even at young age. Teman mak kat kampung, jaga cinta hati ayah. Cuba kalau aku tak kahwin dulu? Aku kerja audit, dapat ke aku duduk kampung? Pastu mak atau ayah takde, diorang duduk sorang-sorang ke? Tak dapat peluang macam ni. 

Aku selalu pandang rendah kat diri sendiri, tapi mak selalu positif. Aku pun patut bersyukur..

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

#2

Bismillah. I’ve been praying for someone. And I’ve been praying for him for almost a year. 

But now after we’ve come an agreement, I hope the nikmat nikah nanti tak hilang. I pray Allah jaga aku dan dia for each other… when we are always astray. 

I don’t want the same thing to happen again. Will I lose my feelings I feel for him?

Oh Allah. Guide us to the right path. Protect us from our own nafs. 

#1

Being single should be a flex. I mean, why do you want to be proud that you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend whom are not halal to you? How can you be so proud to have a haram relationship? 

Because it’s the norm nowadays yes? Being single is “weird” yes?

All the good halal things are seen as weird. 

And all the haram things are seen as normal. 

And all I want is to have a spouse to live and work together for Jannah. 

Oh Allah. 

#11

Video tunjuk perempuan makan aiskrim. Memang takde nampak dia sengaja nak buat in a negative way. Tapi walau manusia, wanita itu fitnah. Awak budak kecik pun orang boleh fikir macam macam. Seeloknya tak perlu tunjuk video makan atau kunyah atau nak jilat aiskrim. 

Orang bekap dia, “dia makan aiskrim je kan?” “Tu pun salah ke”

Tak salah. Tapi elakkan lah fitnah :)

#10

I hate it when I scroll socmed then I saw an interesting post of a relationship that I’d love to have then I dwell on how I crave for it then I hate that it doesn’t happen to me

Like SIS WAKE UP CLOSE THE APP CLICK NOT INTERESTED. 

YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY BEAUTIFUL.

Like fr. Internet somehow destroy people because we know too much too easy. I see that a long time ago.

#9

Last was April 11th??? Now it’s July 5th????????

Allah. A lot has happened actually. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. But I’m not gonna talk about that for now. I wanna talk about… doors. 

So mom and dad were talking about PINTU mana satu nak diambil dari rumah maluri while the rumah is renovated.

Rumah tu nak overhaul so instead of buang pintu tu, they take it la so that they can use it for this new house in Tarun. 

It got me thinking about THE SIMS. So I was like, "Satu pintu berapa RM?" It turns out that it's around RM350 for one good door 🥵 MAHAL OK.

It's definitely a good decision to salvage things from the old house like fr.

#8

There was a point in my life where I realised, takde istilah soalan “bodoh”. Because during my time in BDO, I asked a really silly question, a simple question regarding our task. I was like taken aback, paused for a second, when my friend realised how I reacted to my own question, she told me, “Girl, it’s okay, I do that at times too, maybe too frequent and it’s okay.”

Coz you are a Professional Degree Holder, and you ask a question who a Form 5 (17 years old) could answer. Of course it looks silly. 

So when I entered the live streaming world, during the early times, I was frustrated with stupid questions. But then I muhasabah diri. No, they don’t ask silly questions. Sometimes they are just really curious, they just don’t know things. But if I feel like the question is stupid AND felt so off and wrong, I would just answer nicely that I hope don’t offend people. 

So I respect and agree wholly on Abu’s statements. 

Whilst there was a video on fyp TikTok that said something like she’s upset that so many women don’t know so many things about menstruation in Islam. Like she looks down upon people who don’t know stuff. Whatever her intention is, her statement is so wrong to me. 

So I pray that whatever q I get from people, I read it in calmness and answer with haya. 

#7

I hate people

I hate life

I wish

I wish

To be gone 

#6

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZS8V5Bsec/

If you’re still alive, there’s still something that awaits you, nikmah from Allah. This really helps for people who just want to end it all. Many kinds of nikmah including to repent, to do more ibadah. Allah is allowing you more time to do good deeds. It shows that Allah is Ar Rahman Ar Rahim that He gives you the opportunity to do things & mend things. To seek, to reflect upon, to think, to muhasabah. When you feel like you just want to vanish, your awareness of His Love will always make you feel alive again insyaaAllah 

#5

I’m in so much peace not knowing or seeing people’s lives on the screen i.e. social media. Including my family. If I’d like, I’ll ask them what they’re up to and how they’re doing. 

I chose to be this way. And in turn, I shouldn’t mind if people don’t care. Or maybe I’m oblivious of how they show that they care. 

They say don’t talk down on yourself. 

But I think I don’t deserve anyone. And people, to be close to me. 

I am incapable. I don’t trust myself. 

I feed on people’s praise do I now?

I don’t know. 

#4

I worry about petty things because I’ve nothing to do. All I do is mindlessly scrolling TikTok, IG, FB. I hate it. Sigh

I’m not even in the mood to watch something or read AA’s emails. 

Stupid frikin mistake you done there erin. Geez. . 

#3

What if I had that extra 9000 diamonds? Worth RM800? 

Maybe I would have boasted about it to people. When all I’ve prayed for to Allah is jauhkanlah diriku dari sifat riak, ujub, dan takabbur. 

You can’t lie to yourself that you feel lil bit proud because you earn more than others, in that particular week and a few past weeks. 

Istighfar. There’s always a reason, hikmah of why you forgot to send those reports. 

Knowing this still, I’m mad at myself for being careless. I posted the video, but I didn’t check to report???? I even counted the days to its end of reporting time to see how many views it could go. But I failed to submit the report. 

I need to be more mindful too. Sigh. 

Sorry but 9000 is a LOT. I’m so bummed. Eeeeeeee. 

Also I should stop feeling sorry and regret!!!!! Menyesal dengan takdir yang telah ditentukan. 

Accept, learn, and move on Erin!!!! 

#2

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF. 

STOP VISITING THEM TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE UP TO. YOU KNOW YOURSELF BETTER. SO IF THEY CROSSED YOUR MIND OR THEIR NAMES POPPED ON YOUR FYP JUST PRAY AND MOVE ON. NO STALKING. PERIODT. 

#1

Only 52 posts in 2022? And it’s already February 9th that I just think of writing? Huh. 

I realised, no wonder I don’t contact anyone. Even my close friends. I don’t chat with anyone but myself. Because in the end I’ll just drown them with my negativity. 

#52

I like to think the worst of what people can be, and I know the worst that people can think about women/men, even when they are fully covered #shrugs people who play victim need to rethink their defences. 

#51

I will ALWAYS wonder if she thinks of me. I mean I know she has family and kids. But you know… as a distant sibling, I still crave that sisterly love 

#50

Yes, train yourself to be happy for people when they post happy things. But it’s so toxic for me. I’ll just mute everyone for the better of my own mental health & train myself, battle in silence ❤️‍🩹

#49

A comment on struggles of lgbtq+. It said something like nak anak, tapi takut tak adil dekat pasangan sebab takde nafsu dekat dia. And that’s why Allah SWT comes into the picture. 

You may marry that person, you have children with that person, but you don’t love them, you don’t have lust for them, you still struggle with your perasaan songsang. But it’s the acceptance by your spouse and your own, that even if you don’t love him/her, you love Allah, you do it because of your love for Allah and that’s what makes you move forward even if it hurts yourself because you can’t experience “real love”. Real love is the love for Allah, to obtain his Redha and Blessings. Knowing you struggle to fight the feelings, knowing that Allah is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim, that He sees and knows your every struggle. I mean I’ve seen and heard about this story. And it’s beautiful, when you put Allah first. 

It’s easy to say and talk about it. But it’s hard to implement it to my own. Le sigh. 

#48

Personally for me for my situation, suicidal thoughts are normal. It’s not a sign of depression. I would say to myself that alasan je tu nak kata diri sendiri depressed. I guess so. I never been to a therapy but I don’t think I’m depressed. I go about life as usual. Whenever suicidal thoughts cross my mind, I still think of Allah, my sins, wanting to do repentance, the fact that I haven’t actually do the repentance. 

It’s easy to say and talk about it. But it’s hard to implement it to my own. Le sigh. 

#47

Dude I miss mom. It’s rare to see her smile with teeth showing in photos. And when she does, it’s just so beautiful. She must be really content ♥️ but here I am feeling hopeless ❤️‍🩹