#75

Dude. Today a viewer and supporter asked about me being praised. Like masyaaAllah. I know I have a good answer or debate on that. But I couldn't answer it well that really really comes from my heart. Okay not come from my heart, I mean the serious answer like what I'm about to write right now.

"Erin tak suka pujian ke? Like cakap awak cantik comey dan sebagai nya?"

I like praises. And it's human nature to like good things and praises. And of course this is also true:

Mungkin Allah temukan saya ke awak untuk puji awak untuk buat awak lebih semangat, kita tak tahu orang tu down yesterday ke apa ke thats why puji orang supaya bersemangat dan more confident with what they have 

Like *check*. It's true, brother. Praises are not wrong. Allahu, if something makes a person feel better, then that's good! But why I'm afraid of praises, is that I'm afraid of myself. I know, I well know that Allah SWT is above everything. But I'm always afraid of myself, of my heart, of the evil in me. That sifat riak is damn real, walaupun sebesar zahrah. It always creeps me in the littlest noises in my head and the cure for it is to istighfar. 

Talking again about praises and boosting people's confidence, bringing them up when they feel down, that's absolutely true. Yes I've witnessed that some people need it because they are not confident with themselves when actually they look good. 

But me, it's hard to handle praises. Takut diri terlampau bangga, melupakan siapa yang Esa. And I'm so awkward at receiving praises about my looks. Like, what should I say, yakno? I'm not the kind of person who response like, "Aww gorlll you're prettier!" "Thank you cantikkk" "No, you're prettier!" "Biasa2 je". Like masyaaAllah. "Biasa2 je" pun macam dah deny and reject people's praises and Allah's creation (you). So that's why I just say masyaaAllah. What more do I need to say? Every time people praise, like I get it sooo many times I just afraid that it's a too repetitive response that it'd become awkward. But I just don't know what more I can say xD 

But really, I don't despise it, like, I won't tell people, stop praising me, I hate you, stop. No, I accept it, and praise back to Allah. And thank the people who praise for being so kind.

Also, posting stuff on social media? You can't run from praises. 'Cause posts are like invitation of praises, yaknow? Even when you just wanna post something and with a mindful caption. People say what they wanna say, so it's up to us on how to react to praises. 

One of the things that AA talked about, in two emails, is about being kind, show appreciation to your loves ones, give thanks and give credit. 

So alhamdulillah. 

Tbh, not to boast, but I know I have good looks. That's why praises on my looks don't affect me. Because I'm afraid I will be berlagak. Like look at me, bask in my glory. Like, no. Haha. 

So the kind of praises that moves me are those praises on my character. Like, I am so not peramah in real life and it's hard to be that in front of camera. Or maybe praises on other than my looks. My laugh, my voice. Both of these mostly affect me if you praise me on that. Like really, it's an honour. Like masyaaAllah alhamdulillah Allah has made me this way. So what do I do with it?

Like, you won't look young forever. Eventually when you reach a certain age for example 60s, you'd still look like 30s, not the 19s. You get what I mean? Youth is not forever. So use what you have right now the right way, for the sake of Allah. So if you are the type that does not age well, you'd be grateful that you have served well for the community or your family, and even yourself (which is the most important). 

I feel like sharing this tomorrow on stream after Subuh, insyaaAllah :D

#73

Ha doesn't read anymore coz he wants me to be and practice to be more expressive verbally like lol ok whatever. Imma just continue writing and journaling because like I said, since I was a kid, writing makes me feel better like it's a therapy. It's like a love letter to Allah too. 

Anyway I wanna talk about how negatively moved I am when someone make a TT content about me, defeating a "top global". Malas nak cakap banyak sini buat masa sekarang sebab dah borak dengan Ha. 

So but then, thinking again about it, I should not be looking at praises too. Like, treat those two just the same, triumph and disaster. 

And Ha also said, on the bright side, I am that worthy to be made a content on TT, that someone is so proud to defeat me. Lagi lagi perempuan xD

And tengok video tu, dapat banyak views sebab mention my name, and yes Allah has moved it but yeah. The name came from Him too. So yup.

#72

"dc dah berhabuk"

I've known that but when someone said it out loud, it hurts my feels so Imma delete that for me. 

Sigh I hate it 

#71

We have achieved everything that we wish for in this dunya, the worldly matters, that we have felt that we're already in a perfect condition, to the extent that... we just feel lost :( Allahu.

I mean, of course, I know. I even mention "dunya". Yes, we still lack of akhirah. With the time we have, the luxury of time. We should be doing more to seek His pleasure. 

How hard it is to take that one baby step.

I know I already took that one baby step. But I'm just at a stagnant stage now.

But then. I just wanna say... all these negative feelings I feel, is because I feel lost because of we're in a perfect condition. (Despite not having a kid yet).

Well, that's that.

#70

This. And another thing that has been running through my mind is about... community. 

I've known it from the start. But it gave a huge impact and pang of realisation when I saw how people are so into Discord to build a community and share things.

Like... I knew from the start, that I couldn't build a community, like other streamers, like AA too. What I strive to do when I first signed up, or even when I have wished so long ago since school, is to just be.

Be the best that I can be, a good example to people. Without me needing to say much... because I lack that, truth to be said. InsyaaAllah just by showing that, it affects people in a positive way. I'm not good with motivation words, words of wisdom, words of advise. I'm just... me.

If you wanna hang on discord, I wouldn't want to, because I wouldn't be comfortable with you. You are outside of my bubble. 

Unless, as usual, if there's a person whom I so comfortable with being there, and I just join in, and stay there without saying a thing. I'm that person. 

If I'm not yet comfortable with you, I only talk when there the two of us. But if I'm already comfy with you, I'd talk to you even when there are many people in the room. 

Sorry, but I like comfort zone. And subhanallah. If you're a comfort zone even when the first time we hang, you get that aura. 

I just need to convince myself that numbers don't matter. You post things not to impress people, but to have good in yourself. (example, IG stats)

I also need to convince myself that it's okay that I couldn't get a community, especially on discord. Because... that's just you. Things around you reflect of who you are. And that's what you wish anyway. But if some people are together because of Him, through me, then masyaaAllah.

#69

Yes, an introvert can thrive in anything. Doesn't mean you need to change to be an extrovert. 

Yes, maybe even though in a way that you still maintain your modesty, that you could still be out there and be more well-known and well-liked. 

But Allahu, I have been doing this for more than 2 years and... I have not improved so much on that part. Also, prior to this, 3 years of working in corporate world did not help.

So, what I'm saying here, that alhamdulillah, even though I could not be out there to be in big events like the allstar funmatch, alhamdulillah still.

We tend to forget the blessings and opportunities that we already had. Manusia mudah lupa. Bila dah dapat, tak bersyukur sepenuhnya, maka rasa sedikit tamak dan nak lagi lebih dari itu. Mula lah rasa kecewa. Mula lah rasa I'm not good enough. 

The blessings that I'm talking about here is that, we actually had the chance to experience to be in such show even though it was a bad experience. 

Just in one year, from zero, from a nobody, not even a pro-player, not even an instafamous, to become a somebody out there. And to take into account that me, being an introvert, difficult to mingle around, has become somebody out there. Even when I don't say much, even when I don't share much, even when I don't motivate or inspire much. Because Allahu, that's what I think I can do best, to show good manners even though I'm not peramah. 

Coz dude, I'm not good with small talks and a crowd, even with my real friends. But I'm always chatty when it's just the two of us. I mean like, if you're judging, it's just only you who's judging. There's no third person. So yea. Thank you for anyone who bear with my awkwardness xD

And to be fair, they have been around out there longer than I do. They are active out there. People already know them, so it's fair that they have more reach and engagement. While I have only been here for more than 2 years. 

So.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.