Dear how I miss you

I miss how you could read me like a book.

Was I too selfish? How did we become to just... friends? We were so close. We did everything together. We helped each other out. We told things. We tried not to have guilty or anger kept inside. We were crazy together. We get crazy together. What went wrong?

Everyday I see you, everyday in the room. And yet we're still so far away from each other. Like strangers.

And what I hate most is the fact that I couldn't get myself to joke around with only you. I'm good with others but when it comes to you, my soul, myself, shuts down, build up a wall, so that you couldn't get to me.

I hate the fact that I do that every time you're near. I don't know what this feeling is. From how I see it, I have become the fake friend who doesn't stay. Was I using you all this time? Is that how you really feel? Am I treating you like a once close friend of mine in school?

Or am I just the person who just couldn't get it together when we're not in the same class and such?

Of all that matter, I think you're almost perfect, that I have this huge envious feeling of you. You are as perfect as Atul is. I wonder, if I ever still be in the same school with Atul... I wonder if I could survive? Because I know, before I left, even till now, I have that envious feeling of her. I know I should not. But I couldn't help it. Atul knows this tho. I try to persuade myself to not feel that way, but I do. I think, if I ever still be the same school with Atul, our friendship would be on the line. I think we would be like how I am with you now.

It sucks, that I don't see how important you are in my life.
It sucks that I don't appreciate you being a part of my life.

Why do I push you away?
It has been months, and I still could not get the answer.
And dear, I really do miss you.