Twins of Faith 2012: Blissfully married & Happily divorced

By an American lecturer Omer Suleiman.

**This is what I learnt and got the chance to jot down. It may not be in  sequence. Do correct me if I'm wrong. All the bad is from me, and all the good comes from Him. 

Lailahaillallah keeps us going.

Choosing a person based on deen and the character that you like. A quote says, "Tongue its a spoonful of heart." Good tongue possibly has a good heart. But a bad tongue has a bad heart. This must taken into consideration too. But don't choose a hypocrite. Like, saying, "Islam will make its way later after married," is not a good thing. It usually could destroy your marriage. This is about how you interact during marriage. Deen helps you get through marriage. It holds the marriage together and for to seek blessing. It's about learning each other's character, the internal beauty (khuluk).

• Parents should help and be involved in finding the spouse for children. Like, give advice, but not force them.
• Before marriage, ask about serious things in an appropriate situation, i.e there's a mahram near you to watch you. Discuss about serious matters and the conditions you want when you're married. If you want your spouse to change for the better i.e stop from doing a bad habit, you need to tolerate with that by offering him a favour of your own. For example, wearing hijab.
• But don't ask about past tense, their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, their previous relationships. Leave the past behind.
• A wife can tell the husband don't marry another woman, but this must be told early, when in discussion.
• Attraction is important, to most people. Though attraction is not all. The attraction of your spouse, it guards your gaze. It'll just create distraction.
• People should read on their responsibilities in a marriage, not their rights in a marriage. It is not about claiming your rights in a marriage, it's more to your responsibilities in a marriage.

Once you've discussed with each other on what you want in a marriage, then comes the Istikharah, for guidance. Pray to Allah to make it easy for you if it's good. And to make it hard for you if it's bad.

In marriage: 

• Ensure your family is compatible with your spouse and does not make your spouse's life miserable. Be separate from in-laws; have separate houses. Give your spouse (wife) privacy as much as you can. Create space between your family and your spouse. But reconcile with both parties that seeing them cold with each other is making your life miserable. Perhaps they could learn to like each other for you.
• Don't take sides between your family or your spouse. Do not belittle your spouse.
• Identify each other's space, the boiling point. Take time to distant from each other when in a severe argument or about to have one. Remove yourself from striking. Do not talk it out at that time, when you're fully emotionally charged. Stop the argument, recite Istighfar, and make wudhu'. Reconcile with each other, but not fighting.
• If once violence started, don't think it's gonna get better. It is not going to get better. Stay away from violence. Don't let your kids being exposed to it.
• This all relates to al-Mujahidah, which is, based on what Imam Raghib Asfahani wrote, 'the concentration of all your efforts to face the enemy', the shaaitan.
• Wife must obey the husband, but only unconditionally(?). Men are to make decisions, but also decisions that held with accountability, to deen.

After divorce, you should cut all the communications with your ex-spouse. Unless for necessary things for instance, regarding kids.

That is all. Thanks. Salam.