Shit happens

I dont actually like you

Seriously

And then you said you were just joking. Wth? You even said seriously. Or am I wrong here. But the way I read it, the serious part of that you don't actually like me. I actually don't mind that, but the fact that you said you were just joking. WHAT THE HELL?

What actually the change you want in me? What is it in me that does not satisfy you? What actually the guys have been saying? If not in front of me, but to you? Coz what I know, I never terasa by anything they said. To hell what they say. I know what I'm feeling. I know what I'm thinking. I know myself. I know the truth. Let them be entertained with what they tease me. Let them make me as a toy to play with. Sounds cheap don't I? Maybe you should tell me what they have been saying. Be frank.

Why do you always resist to tell me what they said? Maybe I'm too easy for them too. Maybe I'm too easy for you too. And that comes the boring part.

What do you want me to change???? Why???? If you're saying I should change how I am with people, and not follow my moodiness all the time, then sure. I agree with you. If you say I should learn how to cook, yes, I agree. I should. Learn more on our Deen? Yes. I should. Cooking, Deen, how to behave with anyone... these kind of things that a wife or a mother should have. I should have those. Even if its not you, I still needed to have those. But if the change in how I react to those guys? Why care? I don't terasa AT ALL.

It's like you want me to change who I am. It's like I'm not perfect for you. It's like you don't accept me the way I am. It's like all this while you are just loving the IDEA of me. The me that you built yourself in your head. Maybe how I react to them is a shame to you, that means I am a shame to you.

I could go on telling what I think, because you are not being frank. I could assume so many things, until you just say it out. Maybe I'm too cheap, too easy for you. That I bore you.

I'm not arguing, because you are right. I am never good at arguing anyway. I always lose. I am the stupid one when it comes to arguing. My facts are foolish and childish. I've always lost. With every single person I encounter.

Maybe I'm just not what you want. Maybe you got the wrong person. But this is how am with people. I am boring. I don't tell jokes. I can't do jokes. My friends don't see me as the friend to have fun with. Coz I'm flat. I'm serious. Hambar. It's only sometimes that I can be a joker and fun person. Well I do know how to have fun. But I can't help being boring. Maybe you don't want a boring person in your life. So many other girls that could make you happy, make you smile, make you laugh, constantly. But it seems that it's not me. 

You want me to remind you why me?? Coz you're getting bored don't you? You wonder why do you even like me at the first place. You are afraid you'll forget why. And of course when you ask me that, you've already forgotten why. But I can't tell you why. It's something you only yourself know. That's why you hoped that the feelings stay. Coz it's fading, right? Coz you feel that it's fading.

You never liked me don't you? You seem to be forced to like me. Or maybe you aren't. It seems like you regret liking me.

You don't need to feel sorry for my being of boring. I'm the one who's boring here. But I'm sorry. By that I meant I'm sorry for you that you feel bored because of me. Too bad. I can't entertain.

You make me feel I'm unworthy of you. You always want me to change. Constantly saying you want me to change tho not drastically. But the fact that it's a constant reminder, you want me to change so bad. It's frustrating. Tho I know you know that I'm trying my best.

All I know is that you want me to change how I deal with work together with people. Fine. But what is deal about last night? Why do you want me to change? Why can't you accept? Accept just the way I am? Stay with who I am? What if you never knew these things about me?

Maybe we meet each other at the wrong time. Maybe the future me is already so good. That I don't need to constantly listen to your 'change for the better' lecture. I AM naive. Call me that. It's not soft. It's not kind hearted. It's naive. I might be younger than you, less experienced than you. You might have gone through more shit than I do. Coz I admit I AM naive.

And now you're acting like nothing has happened. I hate you so much. I'm so angry. So mad at you. Why can't you just accept?