Early registration

Around 3pm, I got a call from MARA and they told me the good news - I got the scholarship! Alhamdulillah. But actually, the coward part of me is scared to go. She even thought of chickening out from this.

What I actually afraid of?

• I despise the fact that I have to attend the class early, earlier than my friends, while they are having such leisure time at home.
• I'm scared to live in a new enviroment. Geez, that sounds like a total spoiled brat. You're turning 18 in two months, Erin! Grow up! So I had a vision that shows me I am crying when my parents are going to leave me. What an embarrassment. I just don't like to start over. New friends, new roommates, new subjects, etc.
• Competitions and struggling for success. I never liked it. I even thought, just drop it all, the educations, and get myself a husband. Do the chores, look out for the kids, just stay at home waiting for your hubby to come home. And I would tell my kids, 'Oh, mummy met your dad whom I love so much and wanted to live near him, so I decided to stop. Love can be so powerful, honey.'
  
• To wake up early in the morning, going to classes. Geez.
• Having no friends. I think I'm the kind of person who goes about alone, not socializing with people. A person like me is hard to have a friend. Friends like in my previous schools, would I ever meet persons like them? Of course not, erin. People are different. It's just somehow difficult for me to blend in. Perhaps I don't need to be. Just be myself!
  

The mom part, I know its consequences. It's also challenging. Perhaps way challenging than further my studies. If I turn it down, I would lose the once in a lifetime oppurtunity of MARA's scholarship. I would be blacklisted from getting it, even for SPM. So, if I get shuck results for SPM, my future? Poof. Gone. SPM results has been crawling in me after every single paper. Every day was agony.

What do I want, actually? I always wonder on that. Do I really want to be around accounting thingy? Because, going to this university sure leads me to that area.

Is there any other things in my mind that I want to be? None. Except being a mom *cough*. Okay. Seriously, I really don't like other subjects other than around accountancy. (That's the mannered way to say I HATE THEM).

If only accountancy that runs vividly in my mind, why doubt? Oh, the struggles. You just want to give up everything, and be a mom. What? That's so chicken, man!

The thing is, I have never loved other subjects in a way that I love accountancy. Yet, when sitting for the account paper, I thought, Am I kidding myself? I can't even do this!

Maybe all of this put down to.... homesick. Being the last daughter of my parents, the homesick is stronger. I could imagine myself crying there. Wth.

On a greener side, I would get bachelor's degree (I think) in just short time. That's just amazing. When I am about to end my bachelor's degree , my friends are still with it. When I end bachelor's degree early, I could marry early! Okay, what's up with me and marriage? Am I so desperate? Or do I just want to end my studies? No way. I want to be pregnant and at the same time studying. MATHS. Then my kids will be genius. HAHA. Whatever, that's beyond me.

Geez, my pessimism is vastly longer than my optimism.